Is the Grass really Greener on the other side?

[RIPolaris]

No, because happiness comes from within, not from the grass. It comes from their heart. So when they get to the other side, the carry themselves and their issues with them. It is not better, it is not worse. "Changing the side of the grass" is just an illusion, a placebo. It won't have any effect.

 

You have also to understand, that a person who is capable of acting like this, is an emotionally damaged person. This person, most probably will never be happy in its entire life. They have to search for the problem themselves, and the whole "side switching" is so they distract themselves from their pain and the need to change themselves.

 

I agree with this completely. Not too long ago I was with a girl and there were red flags everything that she was emotionally damaged. She dumped her ex, we got together, started lying to me and cheating on me with her ex, dumped me and went back to her ex. She is 20 and she has already been with 5 guys; I know to some that's probably not a lot but I see it as a lot for a girl who just turned 20. People who jump from relationship to relationship will never find true happiness because like it's been stated before, they themselves are emotionally damaged. They think they'll find happiness with one person, when it doesn't seem to work, they simply move onto the next with the same mindset. I know you won't feel like it at the moment, but you should be glad that she's gone. There's no future with someone like her. You've dodged a bullet. Imagine if this had happened after you had gotten married and had kids.

[louxor]

Well said.. some women, not all, find it easier to bail out of a relationship than to fix it with you hand and hand.

 

I guess its much easier changing teams than fixing the problems.

 

Exactly. I believe the case with my ex is she chose this way because well she's gorgeous so she knew there would be plenty of men willing to scoop her up right away so why bother wasting time on me right?

 

This might be fun for the first while but boy does she have a big surprise coming to smack her in the back of the head. I know how good I treated her, I know how lucky she was to have me. I'm not saying I was perfect in any means, but after a lot of reflection I know she had it good with me, so as much as it hurts me to see her go, I really have no regrets given I gave her all she needed and she was too weak to muster up the guts to fight through the rough time when it came up.

 

Aim to get yourself to a similar state and you will be more than content with your current life.

Edited October 4, 2015 by louxor

[Christos]

 

I know I've ventured onto greener grass before. Many times.

 

 

So how much green is too green? Because it sounds to me that it became too green...

 

In any case, i disagree with the rest of your post. What you are describing is "i felt out of infatuation many times". And that's ok.

 

But no, the grass is NEVER greener. Not because we are perfect, but exactly because no one is perfect...

[Christos]

Exactly. I believe the case with my ex is she chose this way because well she's gorgeous so she knew there would be plenty of men willing to scoop her up right away so why bother wasting time on me right?

 

That's the problem right there. Most western men are submissive to women, and they don't even know it. We have created a female-centered society, a matriarchy, but instead of going full matriarchy (meaning, no marriage and the right for the man to go with as many women as he can without shaming among other things), women want the whole cake and eat it too.

 

Marriage and monogamous relationships, where a man becomes commited to a woman, imply that a woman surrenders her power to mate with other men during her most sexually desirable years, in exchange for the man taking care of her (and their children) during her ugly old years. That's all there is to it. It is a deal, a commitment.

 

If there is no commitment, and a woman is allowed to move on to something "better" without shame and reprecussions, then why the man has to commit?

 

I am thinking this, because during my 6 year relationship, i had been faithful to my ex. She wasn't the most good looking woman around, but i loved her. I had far too many women offer me sex, most of them more attractive than my ex. And i didn't, not because i wasn't turned on by those women, but because i was commited.

 

And yet, when the opportunity appeared, she took it. She cheated on me (at least emotionally but i am fairly sure sexually too) and dropped me like a bad habbit. And i am left in a painful state, thinking about WHY i was commited to a creature that would never do the same for me.

 

Funny thing, she was always very jealous and possesive, controlling and manipulating, and during our first time together she told me how much she hates cheating... LOL.

 

In any case, what i wanted to say, is that most western men justify this behaviour for various non-masculine reasons. They enable those gorgeous women to have their way, in the hopes that they will have a change to get in their pants too... It is disgusting.

Edited October 4, 2015 by Christos

[Itachi]

That's the problem right there. Most western men are submissive to women, and they don't even know it. We have created a female-centered society, a matriarchy, but instead of going full matriarchy (meaning, no marriage and the right for the man to go with as many women as he can without shaming among other things), women want the whole cake and eat it too.

 

Marriage and monogamous relationships, where a man becomes commited to a woman, imply that a woman surrenders her power to mate with other men during her most sexually desirable years, in exchange for the man taking care of her (and their children) during her ugly old years. That's all there is to it. It is a deal, a commitment.

 

If there is no commitment, and a woman is allowed to move on to something "better" without shame and reprecussions, then why the man has to commit?

 

I am thinking this, because during my 6 year relationship, i had been faithful to my ex. She wasn't the most good looking woman around, but i loved her. I had far too many women offer me sex, most of them more attractive than my ex. And i didn't, not because i wasn't turned on by those women, but because i was commited.

 

And yet, when the opportunity appeared, she took it. She cheated on me (at least emotionally but i am fairly sure sexually too) and dropped me like a bad habbit. And i am left in a painful state, thinking about WHY i was commited to a creature that would never do the same for me.

 

Funny thing, she was always very jealous and possesive, controlling and manipulating, and during our first time together she told me how much she hates cheating... LOL.

 

In any case, what i wanted to say, is that most western men justify this behaviour for various non-masculine reasons. They enable those gorgeous women to have their way, in the hopes that they will have a change to get in their pants too... It is disgusting.

 

you have a good point there!

 

Is it just me but when women cheat... society, in general, states she just fell out of love. like we downgrade it or something... for me, cheating is cheating.

 

and indeed there are many forms of cheating, like emotional, psychological and especially physical. for some reason, women, not all, are prone to this... hence, they check the other side of the fence if it is green.

 

just fyi.. i'm talking hypothetically and in broad terms.. it's open to interpretation and criticism.

[foolinlove79]

I think in some cases the grass is greener. But in other cases i think people have a distorted view of relationships and that they can actually involve work. That everything isnt perfect all the time. These people move on to other relationships thinking they will be problem free and ideal. Im sure they are at first but inevitably problems surface and they either work on them or move on again.

[Itachi]

I think in some cases the grass is greener. But in other cases i think people have a distorted view of relationships and that they can actually involve work. That everything isnt perfect all the time. These people move on to other relationships thinking they will be problem free and ideal. Im sure they are at first but inevitably problems surface and they either work on them or move on again.

 

I think that only applies if they if you came from a toxic and/or abusive relationship where you feel insignificant to your bf/gf.

 

It's almost like rebound relationships are the way to go when something is hard to fix like misunderstandings and miscommunications.

[guest569]

Sometimes, people just aren't happy and don't want to work at it. I have never dumped anyone, i always want to work things out but they just didn't want to be there anymore. Think about it, if they were madly in love with us and want us, they would stay and work it out unless its something huge and unforgivable

[Meli22]

It all depends on the situation and the person IMO. I've heard of people leaving relationships for someone else, and their new relationship going the distance. Then obviously there are people who leave and their new relationship doesn't work out, and then they realise they let a good one go.

 

I also agree that those who become dissatisfied in relationships for no particular reason, and there was no abuse/cheating/ongoing issues etc, that they simply lost interest or got bored. it's likely that they're either chasing something that doesn't exist (that ideal, hot relationship like off the movies), or they're unhappy with themselves and it's a deeper issue. That I feel is kind of what happened in my last relationship. I could see how bad our routine and rut was but he never wanted to do anything because he was always too tired after work. And on weekends he liked to kick back and relax. So our lives became centred around watching TV all day. That is so not me, I never usually watch TV and id much rather be out doing stuff or even just walking. I would try and tell him this but he always shot my ideas down. Anyways, the spark went for him eventually. We couldn't really have sex anymore because he still lived at home and his parents were always in. Again I suggested car rides, weekends away, to no avail.. He could never be bothered. Once that spark had gone, he lost even more motivation to try and make things work. I know it was because of that awful routine and rut we were in. We stopped talking and we (well he) stopped trying. He would never admit that was the problem despite me telling him constantly. To this day I know he will tell people we fell apart just because.

 

But in the grand scheme of things relationships take work and not everyone understands that. A lot of people have the mindset of "it shouldn't be hard, it should come natural" but it's near impossible to keep that "loved up" feeling if you spend so much time together just sat in front of a TV and not even talking. The novelty wears off everything in life after a while; I got a new car. I was in love with it for the first few months. Then it just became a car. But now I have it valeted often and take care of it so that it looks new again and I fall in love with it all over again! not everyone has that way of thinking though and it's a shame because these people may not ever be satisfied. My ex basically told me that this would happen in every relationship with him after the first couple of years.

[contel3]

I do believe the grass can be greener. It really depends on a lot of different things, mainly the reason of the break up, the maturity of the people involved and what you consider to be greener grass.

 

 

Each individual has a different idea of their perfect partner. As the saying goes "one mans trash is another mans treasure". So if you leave your partner to find someone who matches your criteria better, of course the grass will be greener. Is this necessarily a good thing?

Lets take the example of an abusive relationship. Partner X is sick of hearing partner Y complain. X decides to leave for Z who doesnt mind being treated like a doormat. In this case, the grass really turned out to be greener for X. It doesnt mean that the new relationship is "better" than the last one. Just that it is better for X. We all have different standards.

 

 

Now, regarding the reason of the break up. It is perfectly fine to break up because of major incompabilities or because your partner is not what you are looking for. If you break up because of "boredom" you are setting yourself up for disaster. How mature you are at the time of the break up also determines how probable it is that the grass will be greener. If you know what you want and have your issues sorted out- chances are pretty good. If you take all your issues from your last relationship with you-- chances are pretty bad.

[Itachi]

Sometimes, people just aren't happy and don't want to work at it. I have never dumped anyone, i always want to work things out but they just didn't want to be there anymore. Think about it, if they were madly in love with us and want us, they would stay and work it out unless its something huge and unforgivable

 

Well...my ex gf said before she was madly in love in me. I guess not then.

 

She would rather jump ship and go to the other guy than talk to me and fix our issues. I'm the guy that would sit down with you and talk about issues we have.

 

I also try my best to fix my issues too.

 

Yet, some women, not all, just the easy way out and the "new toy" they see.

[Itachi]

It all depends on the situation and the person IMO. I've heard of people leaving relationships for someone else, and their new relationship going the distance. Then obviously there are people who leave and their new relationship doesn't work out, and then they realise they let a good one go.

 

I also agree that those who become dissatisfied in relationships for no particular reason, and there was no abuse/cheating/ongoing issues etc, that they simply lost interest or got bored. it's likely that they're either chasing something that doesn't exist (that ideal, hot relationship like off the movies), or they're unhappy with themselves and it's a deeper issue. That I feel is kind of what happened in my last relationship. I could see how bad our routine and rut was but he never wanted to do anything because he was always too tired after work. And on weekends he liked to kick back and relax. So our lives became centred around watching TV all day. That is so not me, I never usually watch TV and id much rather be out doing stuff or even just walking. I would try and tell him this but he always shot my ideas down. Anyways, the spark went for him eventually. We couldn't really have sex anymore because he still lived at home and his parents were always in. Again I suggested car rides, weekends away, to no avail.. He could never be bothered. Once that spark had gone, he lost even more motivation to try and make things work. I know it was because of that awful routine and rut we were in. We stopped talking and we (well he) stopped trying. He would never admit that was the problem despite me telling him constantly. To this day I know he will tell people we fell apart just because.

 

But in the grand scheme of things relationships take work and not everyone understands that. A lot of people have the mindset of "it shouldn't be hard, it should come natural" but it's near impossible to keep that "loved up" feeling if you spend so much time together just sat in front of a TV and not even talking. The novelty wears off everything in life after a while; I got a new car. I was in love with it for the first few months. Then it just became a car. But now I have it valeted often and take care of it so that it looks new again and I fall in love with it all over again! not everyone has that way of thinking though and it's a shame because these people may not ever be satisfied. My ex basically told me that this would happen in every relationship with him after the first couple of years.

 

You have a good point.. It takes two people to make a relationship work!

 

Both of you need to constantly work on it and find common ground.

 

I thought my ex and I was working on it and when issues arise, she was doing the blaming game more than forgiving me.

 

Most of our arguments were small and mostly about small misunderstandings yet she makes a big deal about it... I apologize to her and man up but she would drag the issue one. I don't understand her.

 

If she offends me, I either forgive her quickly or It wasn't a big issue to me in the first place.

 

It does indeed take two to make a relationship work!

[Itachi]

I do believe the grass can be greener. It really depends on a lot of different things, mainly the reason of the break up, the maturity of the people involved and what you consider to be greener grass.

 

 

Each individual has a different idea of their perfect partner. As the saying goes "one mans trash is another mans treasure". So if you leave your partner to find someone who matches your criteria better, of course the grass will be greener. Is this necessarily a good thing?

Lets take the example of an abusive relationship. Partner X is sick of hearing partner Y complain. X decides to leave for Z who doesnt mind being treated like a doormat. In this case, the grass really turned out to be greener for X. It doesnt mean that the new relationship is "better" than the last one. Just that it is better for X. We all have different standards.

 

 

Now, regarding the reason of the break up. It is perfectly fine to break up because of major incompabilities or because your partner is not what you are looking for. If you break up because of "boredom" you are setting yourself up for disaster. How mature you are at the time of the break up also determines how probable it is that the grass will be greener. If you know what you want and have your issues sorted out- chances are pretty good. If you take all your issues from your last relationship with you-- chances are pretty bad.

 

For me, if you're reasons for breaking up with your significant other is because you got bored, you miss the excitement and chase and/or you want something new... these are all shallow and superficial reasons to leave a relationship. It just shows how weak your feelings for loving that person.

 

Yes, feelings comes and goes, but if you truly love and care for that person in your life. You would talk with that person and work the issues in your life. You communicate and find common ground with them.

 

If not, then you probably don't really know what you want in a relationship. Might as well, not commit to a relationship and find an activity partner!!

 

If it was an abusive/toxic relationship, by all means, get out of it and go to greener grass.

 

If it wasn't, just shows how immature and shallow you are.

[mightycpa]

So how much green is too green? Because it sounds to me that it became too green...

 

In any case, i disagree with the rest of your post. What you are describing is "i felt out of infatuation many times". And that's ok.

 

But no, the grass is NEVER greener. Not because we are perfect, but exactly because no one is perfect...

How can "too green" exist? That's like saying "this fits me too perfectly."

 

Maybe this will make more sense to you: Your relationship is some color of brown to green. Maybe it is very green compared to others, or compared to your history. But all that matters is how you view it, and how your partner views it. The real question is whether it is green enough. If not, it might as well be all brown.

 

What GIGS really is saying is that "what I had with (insert name here) was good, but it wasn't enough for me. I'm optimistic that there is more out there for me, and I owe it to myself to go find it."

 

It is a very subjective question. You may be very contented with your relationship. You might think it is the greatest thing since sliced and buttered toast. But if your partner thinks that, well, it's nice and I have no complaints, but something is missing, something is just not right, then there's no fixing that. There's no "work on" a quality or "work on" something that you simply can't provide.

 

It might have to do with infatuation, but it could be so many other things. What if you're loving and kind and considerate and a spendthrift? What if you're all those good things, and frugal too, but you lack spontaneity? Or any of a million other qualities? You simply cannot blame somebody just because they chose to give up on you because of (insert reason here). That is that person's decision, and their's alone. The reasons don't have to make sense to you, or pass whatever validation test you might give those reasons. In the end, the way you react is your responsibility, not theirs. To ask someone to sacrifice themselves so that you can avoid heartache is the height of selfishness. The choice of who you'll give your heart to is the very essence of freedom.

 

In addition, there are levels of commitment. You might be going out, or exclusive, or engaged or even married. Each of those statuses confers a higher level of commitment. But given that the word "divorce" exists, you have to be in extreme denial not to understand that the reality is that your steady girlfriend can leave you because it rained today, and that doesn't mean anything is wrong with that person. And if you really think there is, then the only way you can reconcile it is: bullet dodged.

 

It's not a matter of where you are on a spectrum, good or bad. It is a matter of matching, of mutual fitness. A lot of it is subjective and cannot be measured, and there's only one way to find out if it is there for both of you. You have to get into a relationship, and see if this satisfies the needs of both people. If it only satisfies one, then that is the person who is going to be in a world of hurt sooner or later. Sometimes, you just know it isn't right, even if the other person doesn't.

 

So I get that you're probably angry and disappointed that somebody gave you your pink slip when you thought it couldn't get any better, and you think that you deserved more effort from them because of your efforts to make things good and because of the emotional bond between you. Apparently, they didn't share that opinion, and I'd bet that the emotional bond began to run only in one direction. And that is what makes you wrong. They owed you nothing. Your reward for being there is the time already given to you.

 

People don't owe you their lives; in fact, I'd say that this is something you cannot give away, regardless of the promises you make. The best you'll ever get is somebody decides to share time with you. If you want it to last a long time, you've got to make that worthwhile and you also have to take some risk. Your ability to make wise choices becomes paramount in this respect.

[Meli22]

How can "too green" exist? That's like saying "this fits me too perfectly."

 

Maybe this will make more sense to you: Your relationship is some color of brown to green. Maybe it is very green compared to others, or compared to your history. But all that matters is how you view it, and how your partner views it. The real question is whether it is green enough. If not, it might as well be all brown.

 

What GIGS really is saying is that "what I had with (insert name here) was good, but it wasn't enough for me. I'm optimistic that there is more out there for me, and I owe it to myself to go find it."

 

It is a very subjective question. You may be very contented with your relationship. You might think it is the greatest thing since sliced and buttered toast. But if your partner thinks that, well, it's nice and I have no complaints, but something is missing, something is just not right, then there's no fixing that. There's no "work on" a quality or "work on" something that you simply can't provide.

 

It might have to do with infatuation, but it could be so many other things. What if you're loving and kind and considerate and a spendthrift? What if you're all those good things, and frugal too, but you lack spontaneity? Or any of a million other qualities? You simply cannot blame somebody just because they chose to give up on you because of (insert reason here). That is that person's decision, and their's alone. The reasons don't have to make sense to you, or pass whatever validation test you might give those reasons. In the end, the way you react is your responsibility, not theirs. To ask someone to sacrifice themselves so that you can avoid heartache is the height of selfishness. The choice of who you'll give your heart to is the very essence of freedom.

 

In addition, there are levels of commitment. You might be going out, or exclusive, or engaged or even married. Each of those statuses confers a higher level of commitment. But given that the word "divorce" exists, you have to be in extreme denial not to understand that the reality is that your steady girlfriend can leave you because it rained today, and that doesn't mean anything is wrong with that person. And if you really think there is, then the only way you can reconcile it is: bullet dodged.

 

It's not a matter of where you are on a spectrum, good or bad. It is a matter of matching, of mutual fitness. A lot of it is subjective and cannot be measured, and there's only one way to find out if it is there for both of you. You have to get into a relationship, and see if this satisfies the needs of both people. If it only satisfies one, then that is the person who is going to be in a world of hurt sooner or later. Sometimes, you just know it isn't right, even if the other person doesn't.

 

So I get that you're probably angry and disappointed that somebody gave you your pink slip when you thought it couldn't get any better, and you think that you deserved more effort from them because of your efforts to make things good and because of the emotional bond between you. Apparently, they didn't share that opinion, and I'd bet that the emotional bond began to run only in one direction. And that is what makes you wrong. They owed you nothing. Your reward for being there is the time already given to you.

 

People don't owe you their lives; in fact, I'd say that this is something you cannot give away, regardless of the promises you make. The best you'll ever get is somebody decides to share time with you. If you want it to last a long time, you've got to make that worthwhile and you also have to take some risk. Your ability to make wise choices becomes paramount in this respect.

 

That's a very good point. Nobody should have to just settle and sacrifice something that is important to them, just to keep the other person from being heartbroken.

 

I think sometimes though people get caught up on feelings. My ex felt something was missing with us after 18 months together and no matter how much we (I) spoke about it, he always just said he wasn't sure anymore. Whenever I tried to speak about it he would say I was making it worse. He treated me very unfairly and stopped putting any effort in at all despite saying he wanted things to work. The only thing I can think of was that we spent most of our time watching TV and not communicating because he was always too tired after work to do anything, and on weekends he just wanted to lie in bed. So obviously our spark went.. And he had the nerve to blame me. He wanted me back after the break up because everything had hit him and he'd realised but that didn't work out.

 

I think in circumstances like that, where something is missing but the person won't or can't communicate what, it's unfair. We all know what we want from relationships and it's unrealistic to expect the honeymoon phase to last forever. If you know something is wrong or missing then you know what it is, period. If you don't then it's either boredom or you want to seek "greener" pastures. God my whole relationship frustrates me just thinking about it