Author NewLeaf512 Posted October 3, 2015 Author Posted October 3, 2015 Did he actually say that to you? ...I highly doubt it.... Just seems odd and something I have experienced in my own life...Other women who want to determine or think they know whats "best" for a man... Its probably very likely that all of the women "right in front of his nose" are women he wouldn't want and already knows he can have them.. Just a thought... TFY He said "I'd like a beautiful, sexy, girl ideally between 25 and 30, who lets me be passionate and sexual, is independent, & doesn't only want me for my money" exact words said to me last night.
Author NewLeaf512 Posted October 3, 2015 Author Posted October 3, 2015 According to you, both men (regardless of the details of their individual "case studies") are picking 'unsuitable' women for their proclaimed desires: to find a relationship. If Case Study #1 isn't having sex with these 'unsuitable' women, then he's getting something else out of his choices to ensure he doesn't really find The One. Confirmation that all women ARE beasts, just like his ex was/is? Knowing that you're right and finding (creating?) confirmation of one's foregone conclusions can be comforting in its own right, yanno? I think this is actually the answer! Brilliant insight.
thefooloftheyear Posted October 3, 2015 Posted October 3, 2015 He said "I'd like a beautiful, sexy, girl ideally between 25 and 30, who lets me be passionate and sexual, is independent, & doesn't only want me for my money" exact words said to me last night. That's light years from.... "there are young 28 year old super models with packets of money who want a somewhat attractive 52 year old man who is away about 50% of the time and when he is around give him all the sex he wants." Quite honestly, that's entirely attainable for a higher tier 52 year old guy......You don't even have to be Mr Wonderful, either.... TFY
Author NewLeaf512 Posted October 3, 2015 Author Posted October 3, 2015 That's light years from.... "there are young 28 year old super models with packets of money who want a somewhat attractive 52 year old man who is away about 50% of the time and when he is around give him all the sex he wants." Quite honestly, that's entirely attainable for a higher tier 52 year old guy......You don't even have to be Mr Wonderful, either.... TFY If that's the case, he must be looking in the wrong places. Where would a man find such women (Also adding don't have/want children) which I forgot on his list of requirements
smackie9 Posted October 3, 2015 Posted October 3, 2015 He wanted exWife to come with him every 2 weeks, she didn't work. I think casual dating might be the answer. ( I don't think having your H travel is a reason for an A, especially with 2 kids in boarding school, you don't have to work and you drive a Maserati) That IS why because she had nothing to do with her time. You can only go shopping so many times or redecorate the house before that gets old.
Author NewLeaf512 Posted October 3, 2015 Author Posted October 3, 2015 That IS why because she had nothing to do with her time. You can only go shopping so many times or redecorate the house before that gets old. So why not travel with him, get a job or a hobby? And as he is at 2 years, are you staying on your conclusion of only date casually? mRLDii seems to think the same I think I concur
Dutchman1 Posted October 3, 2015 Posted October 3, 2015 Is it important that one is even more successful than the other? Does that give any more guaranty for finding a suitable life companion? Baggage: When a.ex still has a part of your brain and heart in hostage, your definitely not ready to date, and you'd be stepping in a unhealthy situation with your eyes open. Dutchman 1 2
Author NewLeaf512 Posted October 3, 2015 Author Posted October 3, 2015 Is it important that one is even more successful than the other? Does that give any more guaranty for finding a suitable life companion? Baggage: When a.ex still has a part of your brain and heart in hostage, your definitely not ready to date, and you'd be stepping in a unhealthy situation with your eyes open. Dutchman 1 It's not for me, as above in my OP I'm not interested in dating either of these 2 and may never date again. As I was attempting to obsfugate, let me be transparent: one is a friend and the other is my cousin.
smackie9 Posted October 3, 2015 Posted October 3, 2015 So why not travel with him, get a job or a hobby? And as he is at 2 years, are you staying on your conclusion of only date casually? mRLDii seems to think the same I think I concur It's obvious she wanted someone who was there for her emotionally/romantically. So what if she went with him, he was still preoccupied with work/career. You can be with someone and still be lonely. He didn't give her the attention she craved, then one day another man did. He wined and dined her, told her how desirable she was, held her hand, looked lovingly in her eyes.....it made her feel alive again...it woke up feelings she long forgotten about. 1
Woggle Posted October 3, 2015 Posted October 3, 2015 They will date when they are ready. Divorced men either go two ways. They desperately want another woman to care for them or the last thing they want is another woman in their lives. It sounds like your friends are in the latter category. 3
Author NewLeaf512 Posted October 3, 2015 Author Posted October 3, 2015 They will date when they are ready. Divorced men either go two ways. They desperately want another woman to care for them or the last thing they want is another woman in their lives. It sounds like your friends are in the latter category. Well these 2 say they want wives.
thefooloftheyear Posted October 3, 2015 Posted October 3, 2015 Well these 2 say they want wives. But this time, its gonna be all about them.... TFY 1
Woggle Posted October 3, 2015 Posted October 3, 2015 But this time, its gonna be all about them.... TFY Very true. My father outright said once that if he ever remarries one day he is picking a submissive stepford wife this time around. I wish he would just look for an equal and healthy relationship but he was married to my mother so I understand. 1
Stage5Clinger Posted October 3, 2015 Posted October 3, 2015 I think yes, baggage may play a role in their self-esteem, but you're acting like they have the gamut of women in the world to choose from. This is not the case. They have to pick from available (single) women in their area where mutual attraction exists. It's a short list sometimes. 1
Author NewLeaf512 Posted October 3, 2015 Author Posted October 3, 2015 I think yes, baggage may play a role in their self-esteem, but you're acting like they have the gamut of women in the world to choose from. This is not the case. They have to pick from available (single) women in their area where mutual attraction exists. It's a short list sometimes. And you have hit my point exactly. If you know that and I know that, Why this completely unrealistic view of what's possible and the obsessive hunt for the Golden Fleece? 1
autumnnight Posted October 3, 2015 Posted October 3, 2015 Why do they keep doing this? Because (as you, yourself said): "they" have not fully gotten over nor fully processed their part in their failed relationships, so they're not really ready for a new one. "They" are deliberately picking 'unsuitable' women as a built-in safeguard to ensure they don't really have a relationship yet, but it will look like they really are ready and wanting one. I'm sure in psycho-babble it's got a more clever name than "Self-Protecting, Self-Serving, Self-Fulfilling-Prophecy to Ensure Self-Protection". This is very insightful. I think it can go for both genders. A person is divorced took the ultimate risk (marrying someone for life) and got burned (cheating, terrible spouse, abuse, sexual starvation, etc). They are hurting. In order to move forward successfully, several things have to happen: 1. They have to own their part. And saying "I picked the wrong man/woman" is not owning your part. NO ONE is a perfect spouse, and while abuse, including cheating, is never justified, we ALL need to look at ourselves when a relationship fails. Not to justify our partner's bad behavior. But to improve ourselves. A person who still blames other people (even bad people) for all the pain in their lives is not going to make a good partner 2. They have to have made peace with their hurt/anger/disappointment in their ex spouse. They don't have to like him/her. They don't have to respect him/her. They can even void speaking to them ever again. But they HAVE to get past all the angry emotion. 3. They have to realize the new person they meet is NOT their spouse. Everyone has hurts. You simply don't punish a future partner for a past partner's failings. Period. If you need to, you aren't ready to date. I was in a sex-starved marriage. A man doesn't need to "prove" to me he likes intimacy before I will believe he isn't bad. Punishing the next partner for the previous partner's failings is dysfunctional When someone has met the above and they have an actual, realistic view of themselves, then they are usually ready to make a potentially good partner. 3
mrldii Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 Exactly, autumn. Even taking the best example of "It's not MY fault" - the spouse who has an affair - there's still some part that we, ourselves, played in it. And, no, I'm NOT talking about if only we'd had sex more often, if only we'd made more money, etc. The marriage broke up after the affair because of BOTH parties. If the deceived spouse would have ignored/forgiven the affair, the marriage would still be. Not that it should be ignored/forgiven, but there's a LOT of stuff to process, make peace with, and learn from in OUR part in it. What were the warning signs? What is it in that person I chose that *allowed* them to be the type to ignore our wedding vows? Is cheating the only thing I won't accept in a relationship? What are my boundaries? Is there anything I can do to make MY deal-breakers clearer to another person? Simply writing it off as "my spouse was wrong for cheating on me" isn't processing the life lesson that the failed marriage should be teaching so we'll learn from it and 'do better' next time. Theprocessing work is even more important when the "who's fault is it?" lines are even more blurred: "We couldn't communicate", "our sex life dried up", "we never did things together as a couple anymore", etc. We all know what the other person did wrong...but what did we do wrong to contribute to the circumstances that led to its demise? Until someone knows those answers, they have no business getting into another relationship. Many people unconsciously know this, so rather than doing the hard work of introspection, choose instead to find 'incompatible' people with whom it never seems to work out. Self-protection. 1
autumnnight Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 Even excluding the affair, which there is no ecxcuse for, EVERY real marriage has issues that both controibuted to. A woman has a temper. A man is distant. A woman doesn't keep the house neat. A man rolls his eyes at her feelings. THESE are all relationship skills that need to be improved. I can handle a man who says, "I'm not owning one bit of her cheating. That's one her." I cannot handle a man who says, "I was awesome and she was a whore. Apparently I had a bad picker." The former is an understanding of cheating. The latter is just...delusion and anger. 2
Author NewLeaf512 Posted October 4, 2015 Author Posted October 4, 2015 Even excluding the affair, which there is no ecxcuse for, EVERY real marriage has issues that both controibuted to. A woman has a temper. A man is distant. A woman doesn't keep the house neat. A man rolls his eyes at her feelings. THESE are all relationship skills that need to be improved. I can handle a man who says, "I'm not owning one bit of her cheating. That's one her." I cannot handle a man who says, "I was awesome and she was a whore. Apparently I had a bad picker." The former is an understanding of cheating. The latter is just...delusion and anger. I agree with you AN. I think both of these 2 know they had not kept up the relationship as they could have x 1
Popsicle Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 They will date when they are ready. Divorced men either go two ways. They desperately want another woman to care for them or the last thing they want is another woman in their lives. It sounds like your friends are in the latter category. Yes, this. Some want to get remarried again. The rest just want to go buck wild for a while to get something out of their system and/or prove something to themselves, and then settle into being a serial monogamist for the rest of their life. Your friends are probably the later type. 1
SolG Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 NL, I'm so glad you have a project. Or two by the sounds of it! I recently had drinks with someone who sounds a bit like your case 1. He paid a busker to sing to me,, French bubbles.... and then conversation ad nauseum about his wealth and his money grabbbing xW. Add to that so much 'complaining' about only being able to find vacuous and boring young beauties to date.... I was very much, 'Oh dear, look at the time!'. I would very much advocate honesty. Say up front I'm angry, I'm confused.... lets just have fun and see where this goes. There is no shame in being divorced and a bit lost. Just say tnat as opposed to coming across as bitter and entitled. 1
Author NewLeaf512 Posted October 4, 2015 Author Posted October 4, 2015 NL, I'm so glad you have a project. Or two by the sounds of it! I recently had drinks with someone who sounds a bit like your case 1. He paid a busker to sing to me,, French bubbles.... and then conversation ad nauseum about his wealth and his money grabbbing xW. Add to that so much 'complaining' about only being able to find vacuous and boring young beauties to date.... I was very much, 'Oh dear, look at the time!'. I would very much advocate honesty. Say up front I'm angry, I'm confused.... lets just have fun and see where this goes. There is no shame in being divorced and a bit lost. Just say tnat as opposed to coming across as bitter and entitled. Hi SolG. I'm not dating either of them. One is a friend from uni and the other is my cousin. X
BluEyeL Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 You shouldn't worry about them, they do what they want to do. When they're ready to find someone for real, they will. Right now, they have absurd standards that ensure they don't find anyone because they really are not ready. They will te-calibrate as the time passes and if they get too lonely. I know someone similar, who was on the wealthier side and divorced his wife of 24 years (not for an affair though, they just grew too far apart and he wanted another life) and he did date someone almost 20 years younger for over a year. good girl, but not much education or career. However, surprise, the young hottie dumped him. Then, he recalibrated and went with someone only 6-8 years younger and they seem to be happy. My guy really wanted a relationship. If your guys really want a relationship and/or a wife, experience will make them adjust. If they don't it just means they are not ready. All men want hot and young, but someone half your age is simply not a good idea for several reasons. Let them learn that on their own. 1
Author NewLeaf512 Posted October 4, 2015 Author Posted October 4, 2015 You shouldn't worry about them, they do what they want to do. When they're ready to find someone for real, they will. Right now, they have absurd standards that ensure they don't find anyone because they really are not ready. They will te-calibrate as the time passes and if they get too lonely. I know someone similar, who was on the wealthier side and divorced his wife of 24 years (not for an affair though, they just grew too far apart and he wanted another life) and he did date someone almost 20 years younger for over a year. good girl, but not much education or career. However, surprise, the young hottie dumped him. Then, he recalibrated and went with someone only 6-8 years younger and they seem to be happy. My guy really wanted a relationship. If your guys really want a relationship and/or a wife, experience will make them adjust. If they don't it just means they are not ready. All men want hot and young, but someone half your age is simply not a good idea for several reasons. Let them learn that on their own. Next time I have them as for help I'll tell them to do it themselves 1
RedRobin Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 (edited) Hi smackie thanks for your post. I agree about the emotional residue.What in your experience is the time frame on that? As to meddling, both my friends ask me to fix them up, take them to parties, etc. I'm certainly not butting in uninvited. If their dating life is as you've described, I would avoid fixing them up, taking them to parties, etc. I wouldn't want my reputation wrapped up with a womanizing, entitled older man. Anyway, how do you know it was the wife who cheated? In my entire life, I have only met one woman who was cheating on her H, and I dumped her as a friend. Nearly all of the 'successful' men I worked with who divorced did so because he essentially abandoned his wife, was a workaholic, and always had the rep of snagging some on the side with this co worker or that before finally getting caught. A couple of them tried getting with me, lol. So when they ended up divorced, guess who wasn't giving them the time of day? Why would some younger woman want to hook up with that? I dunno. If your friends want someone much younger and think their money should talk, perhaps they should find a SB instead of expecting you to pimp for them. You might also want to inform them that lots of good women who they might want for a relationship at some point in their lives would not look kindly on their need for a second adolescence, as it were. I have always looked on those guys with a great deal of suspicion... First, for whatever story they had about their divorce, and second, for their choices afterward. I am not one to take on a guy who has run the field who ''finally decides to settle down'. He's a bad risk if you ask me. Unstable with poor judgement....and no, not all men want hot and young. Not the stable ones with good judgement anyway. The loose cannons with delusions of grandeur maybe... Long story short... This is not an attractive track record your friend and cousin are building. Only the women interested in their money will overlook it. Lots of women won't. I know I wouldn't and haven't. Edited October 4, 2015 by RedRobin 1
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