Step Son smoking cigarettes, What's your thoughts ?

[Blue08]

We are on chantix as of right now. our last day of smoking is Sunday. I get just talking to him, his father did do that and well he is still sneaking it. ( so, what do nothing else?)

I understand addiction, and I get that his mind is altered, but I think his ways of being able to smoke, hanging out with friends or and other means of getting them need to VERY HARD to come by while he may be going through withdraws for a few months or however long it takes.

We are here for him but it's kinda hard to be totally their when he is lying about it and he doesn't want to stop.

 

My dad smoked and he is/was a drunk, I "tried drugs" when I was 18 and I was hanging around the group of friends. When my dad found out he came and pulled the spark plugs on my vehicle and made me stay 2hrs away at his lake house, closed the lease on the apartment and when I came back to gather my belongings him and my other family members moved my stuff out in a day. He told me "you are never going to do that **** again." I never did, I had no counseling, no Dr appointments, nothing, and those "friends" who have been in and out of treatments and using different medications are still struggling 10yrs later.

 

I just see him going down the wrong path in more ways that one, I don't have a teenager my oldest is almost 12 so his is the first for us in "testing the adult waters." I think I am just so frustrated that I feel like his father has done so little in setting boundaries and a structured environment for him, and it may be to late.

I would at least have in-depth conversations with him before and even during these milestones.

 

I talk to my sons' now about drugs, sex,colleges and just life. I try to explain things in a simple honest way that's appropriate for their age. I think it builds maturity and it open the doors that we can be honest from both sides of the conversation.

 

Maybe I'm wrong, I don't know, but when I see him making wrong choices that I he may regret I have strong urge to correct it, and it simply is not my place. I think his dad could talk to him more about the things he regrets, like school, sports, smoking, etc. Show him colleges that would enhance his talent, get a gym membership for them both. His Dad has a great influence on him and has a great opportunity to lead him down the right path.

[UpwardForward]

Positive things like a gym membership, nutrition education through diet, would be a good step. i.e. replacement.

 

Very difficult to try to teach someone rights and wrongs through things we have already done.

 

I have enough difficulty trying to teach mine through example on a few issues.

 

My mother used to think she was the exception. Then she would say - she didn't want us to make the same mistakes she had. It just doesn't work that way.

 

Also, You can't make his father do or say what he isn't inclined to.

[ASG]

Both my parent smoke and I started smoking when I was 14/15.

 

Nothing my parent could have possibly said would have had any effect on my smoking, because they were smokers as well.

 

Luckily, they didn't make a big deal of it and I was openly smoking in front of them at 15/16.

 

I don't think there is anything you can DO to stop your step son smoking. It needs to be HIS decision. And the more you restrict him in terms of going out or whatever, the more he'll try to rebel. He's a teenager. That's what teens do.

[LuckyLady13]

Blue, I understand your admiration for how your dad took control of the situation with you and I think for you, this showed how much he cared. Your dad sounds like mine in that he could take control of a situation swiftly and confidently.

 

But, as you know, this isn't your son, he's your step-son so there's only so much you can say and do. You're not quite in the situation your dad was in with you years ago.

 

If your husband isn't a take charge type of guy like your dad, you are going to have to live with that. He's just not your dad and what you saw as an admirable quality in your dad may never exist in your husband. It can exist in you, though.

 

Your hands are practically tied but not completely. There is a lot you can say and you have more influence in this situation than you realize.

 

A lot of the old ways of doing things that our parents and grandparents did was purely from a lack of education standpoint. They didn't know a better way. They did whatever they could think of. We have a lot more knowledge these days and more options open to us.

 

It seems most people agree that punishment isn't the way to go here. He's going to resent you and/or your husband and that's not going to benefit anyone. I'm glad you can go to a place like LS to get some input from people. Our parents didn't have that.

 

There's nothing wrong with you sitting down and talking with this kid about what he's doing and telling him everything you know about it. All the downsides. And I don't mean like those commercials on TV these days designed to scare people. If you're coming from an honest place in your heart, I think he'll pay attention.