Didn't go NC but feeling a lot better

[samantha303]

AHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

:lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao:

 

So, if the other man "loved you", why you aren't together by now? HMMMM???

 

Female cheaters are all the same...

 

 

Feeling loved and having someone who loves you are different.

And yes, I could've been with the other guy cos i think he's genuinely nice to me. I chose not to because I know he's not the type of guy I would want to have a life with. I was so sick of my ex's both emotionally and physically abusive behaviour I am still dealing with depression everyday. I am in no way proud of cheating but cheating made me realise how toxic my relationship was to me. People always cheat for a reason, never a legitimate reason tho.

[Shock148]

I really hate cheaters. There is never a good reason for it. Wanna cheat? Break up with your partner before you do anything with anyone else. Since you feel so bad about it, hopefully if you were to have a new relationship and if you not feeling loved ever were to happen to you again (hopefully not) you don't do this. I personally lose a lot of respect for the person who cheated on me no matter the reason.

[Lilac Love]

My ex-boyfriend is dishonest and habitually disrespectful. His dishonesty, disrespect and mercurial temperament were the sources of conflict in our short-lived relationship. Did I cheat on him? Absolutely not. I simply told him I deserve better and refuse to be his doormat. I ended the relationship. Never compromise your dignity for a man.

[samantha303]

I really hate cheaters. There is never a good reason for it. Wanna cheat? Break up with your partner before you do anything with anyone else. Since you feel so bad about it, hopefully if you were to have a new relationship and if you not feeling loved ever were to happen to you again (hopefully not) you don't do this. I personally lose a lot of respect for the person who cheated on me no matter the reason.

 

That's also why I want to break up and have a closure. I believe he still loves me but it's impossible for me to be accepted back into his life. And I still have scars from his past abusive behaviour. If anything gets physical again, i dont think anyone will help me. The first time it happened (before i cheated), nobody on his side thinks he did anything wrong.

[Lilac Love]

That's also why I want to break up and have a closure. I believe he still loves me but it's impossible for me to be accepted back into his life. And I still have scars from his past abusive behaviour. If anything gets physical again, i dont think anyone will help me. The first time it happened (before i cheated), nobody on his side thinks he did anything wrong.

 

Love and abuse cannot coexist peacefully. Love is not toxic, nor is it supposed to hurt. Actions speak louder than words.

[samantha303]

My ex-boyfriend is dishonest and habitually disrespectful. His dishonesty, disrespect and mercurial temperament were the sources of conflict in our short-lived relationship. Did I cheat on him? Absolutely not. I simply told him I deserve better and refuse to be his doormat. I ended the relationship. Never compromise your dignity for a man.

 

I thought about leaving him but i couldn't. I think being an abusee takes a lot of confidence from me. At the time when someone was so nice to me, I just jumped right in. Anyway, it's all over now

[Lilac Love]

I thought about leaving him but i couldn't. I think being an abusee takes a lot of confidence from me. At the time when someone was so nice to me, I just jumped right in. Anyway, it's all over now

 

You need to stay away from him and focus on your self-improvement. Life is too precious to waste it on toxic relationships.

[Simon Phoenix]

I mean, you need No Contact in this worst way. Everything about this, including your current "need" to mindlessly stay in contact, suggests extreme dysfunction. Right now you're the person who says they want to lose weight and is trying to go to the gym a lot, but ends up grabbing a triple-cheeseburger after their workout. You're half-assing this and, to use the losing weight analogy, are still really overweight. Sure, you might feel better temporarily, but your current approach guarantees that any improvements will be temporary and fleeting.

 

Stop f--king around, stop making excuses, be an adult and do it. Stop chasing some fictional "closure" like a teenager, put on your big girl pants and get this done. You can do it, you just have to have the self-control and want-to to do it.

 

Stop backsliding because it's "hard". Of course it's hard -- almost everything worth doing is hard.

[Lilac Love]

I mean, you need No Contact in this worst way. Everything about this, including your current "need" to mindlessly stay in contact, suggests extreme dysfunction. Right now you're the person who says they want to lose weight and is trying to go to the gym a lot, but ends up grabbing a triple-cheeseburger after their workout. You're half-assing this and, to use the losing weight analogy, are still really overweight. Sure, you might feel better temporarily, but your current approach guarantees that any improvements will be temporary and fleeting.

 

Stop f--king around, stop making excuses, be an adult and do it. Stop chasing some fictional "closure" like a teenager, put on your big girl pants and get this done. You can do it, you just have to have the self-control and want-to to do it.

 

Stop backsliding because it's "hard". Of course it's hard -- almost everything worth doing is hard.

 

Well said!

[Christos]

Feeling loved and having someone who loves you are different.

And yes, I could've been with the other guy cos i think he's genuinely nice to me. I chose not to because I know he's not the type of guy I would want to have a life with. I was so sick of my ex's both emotionally and physically abusive behaviour I am still dealing with depression everyday. I am in no way proud of cheating but cheating made me realise how toxic my relationship was to me. People always cheat for a reason, never a legitimate reason tho.

 

Ok, provide us with some examples of his "abuse".

 

My ex said the same thing. That i was an abuser. That i blackened her life and heart. That i made her miserable. She said that in public. She ridiculed me to all people in her environment, on fb, etc.

 

Funny thing, ALL her Exs where "abusers" as well. For some reason, my ex only meets "abusers" and makes 6 and 7 year relationships with them...

 

She probably cheated on me, at least emotionally, and said to me in email that this helped her see that our relationship wasn't working. Just like you are saying...

 

Now, since i am not a lunatic, i am not on drugs, and i take pride in my self-awareness, i know that all these things are CRAP. For a little, i began questioning myself, thinking if she was saying the truth. I even began fearing i am crazy myself. But as the pain went away, and i began putting things together and making sense out of them, i saw that she manipulated me, turned me from victim to "abuser", and switched the focus from her betrayals to a vague "sense" of "abuse". She is still saying i had been abusing her, but will never elaborate on that. Will never explain. When i provide counter-arguments, she stonewalls.

 

That is why, i don't believe you. Actually, i don't believe any cheater, period. Cheaters are people who feel alright about having sex with another person while betraying the person they are supposed to love. They sure as hell won't hesitate to lie anonymously on a public forum...

 

So, tell us, how did he abuse you?

[Lilac Love]

I am in no way proud of cheating but cheating made me realise how toxic my relationship was to me. People always cheat for a reason, never a legitimate reason tho.

 

So, how did cheating lead to the realization? There is clearly an underlying issue and it has to do with your perception of yourself.

 

I made a thread about my experience. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/550860-why-my-ex-boyfriend-still-emotionally-invested-me

 

I wish you healing and peace.

Edited October 2, 2015 by Lilac Love

[samantha303]

Ok, provide us with some examples of his "abuse".

 

My ex said the same thing. That i was an abuser. That i blackened her life and heart. That i made her miserable. She said that in public. She ridiculed me to all people in her environment, on fb, etc.

 

Funny thing, ALL her Exs where "abusers" as well. For some reason, my ex only meets "abusers" and makes 6 and 7 year relationships with them...

 

She probably cheated on me, at least emotionally, and said to me in email that this helped her see that our relationship wasn't working. Just like you are saying...

 

Now, since i am not a lunatic, i am not on drugs, and i take pride in my self-awareness, i know that all these things are CRAP. For a little, i began questioning myself, thinking if she was saying the truth. I even began fearing i am crazy myself. But as the pain went away, and i began putting things together and making sense out of them, i saw that she manipulated me, turned me from victim to "abuser", and switched the focus from her betrayals to a vague "sense" of "abuse". She is still saying i had been abusing her, but will never elaborate on that. Will never explain. When i provide counter-arguments, she stonewalls.

 

That is why, i don't believe you. Actually, i don't believe any cheater, period. Cheaters are people who feel alright about having sex with another person while betraying the person they are supposed to love. They sure as hell won't hesitate to lie anonymously on a public forum...

 

So, tell us, how did he abuse you?

 

 

If you check my previous posts, you'll know about the emotional abuse. On the physical side, he punched me on my stomach once over a small issue.

I don't go round telling people he abused me. Never. He told everyone i cheated which is something I'll have to live with cos I made a mistake.

 

I'm sorry you had such horrible experience. I didn't know that I was being abused until i went on forums to tell people my experience actually. And usually abusees don't go around 'accusing' abusers cos they are, you know, in a way being bullied.

Edited October 2, 2015 by samantha303

[samantha303]

Ok, provide us with some examples of his "abuse".

 

My ex said the same thing. That i was an abuser. That i blackened her life and heart. That i made her miserable. She said that in public. She ridiculed m.....

 

 

 

I only talked about his abusive behaviour to one of his best friends. When i was punched, I was so terrified and didnt know what to do. He seemed very remorseful over this so I talked to his best friend who wont be judgemental and hopefully will help him out.

Everyone on the internet asked me to leave but i just think i should give him a chance. Probably thats why he still wants me back even though i cheated.

[Shock148]

I only talked about his abusive behaviour to one of his best friends. When i was punched, I was so terrified and didnt know what to do. He seemed very remorseful over this so I talked to his best friend who wont be judgemental and hopefully will help him out.

Everyone on the internet asked me to leave but i just think i should give him a chance. Probably thats why he still wants me back even though i cheated.

Lol punched right in the face and you want to go back and give him another chance. It's like an episode of Maury "He punched me left me with a bloody lip, but I love him!"

 

Give him a second chance go ahead. You would be foolish to do so. Just leave any man who hits a women isn't a man but a b*tch. I swear I never understand females like this, which is probably why I am not attracted to females like this in general.

[samantha303]

Lol punched right in the face and you want to go back and give him another chance. It's like an episode of Maury "He punched me left me with a bloody lip, but I love him!"

 

Give him a second chance go ahead. You would be foolish to do so. Just leave any man who hits a women isn't a man but a b*tch. I swear I never understand females like this, which is probably why I am not attracted to females like this in general.

 

If you read cases like mine or worse cases, you'd know it's difficult for women to leave abusive partners. For us it's not a black and white answer, that's why it makes NC so much more difficult

[Shock148]

If you read cases like mine or worse cases, you'd know it's difficult for women to leave abusive partners. For us it's not a black and white answer, that's why it makes NC so much more difficult

 

Well then honestly I dont think anyone here can help you. You are content with not cutting him out of your life. What else needs to be said that has not? Good luck to you.

[Christos]

If you check my previous posts, you'll know about the emotional abuse. On the physical side, he punched me on my stomach once over a small issue.

I don't go round telling people he abused me. Never. He told everyone i cheated which is something I'll have to live with cos I made a mistake.

 

I'm sorry you had such horrible experience. I didn't know that I was being abused until i went on forums to tell people my experience actually. And usually abusees don't go around 'accusing' abusers cos they are, you know, in a way being bullied.

 

First, you can't expect me to read every post you made in the past. I don't expect you to write the whole story again for me, but summarize the abuse in a few sentences...

 

Anyway, i looked into your first thread. Some things remind me of my relationship with my ex. Actually, for many years, my ex complained about me "belittling" her and insulting her all the time. Thing is, i didn't.

 

For example, my ex was overweight. Sometimes, i said to her things like "my sweet chubby girl". Well, not exactly like that, it was in greek and somewhat "sweeter" than that, but you get the idea. I said things like this, as a mild compliment and as a way to show to her that i accepted her the way she were. I just felt like saying them. But she felt i was trying to insult her, to make her feel bad, to belittle her, to make her cry. And we had many many fights over such simple things.

 

And i didn't say it often. Out of 100 things, 99 were positive things to uplift her, to make her feel good. And 1 was "bad", like the above example. She forgot the 99 and focused on the one thing she didn't like, and said i didn't love her and i didn't care for her feelings...

 

I suppose things like this, are the reason i was an "abuser". But truly, i wasn't. If you can't make a joke, if you can't be honest, if you can't be yourself, with the person you love, then something is really wrong...

 

I have been studying about Bordeline Personality Disorder, and funny thing, my ex's personality matches most traits perfectly. I even saw a video of a hypothetical conversation with a bordeline, and there was an eerie resemblance with some conversations with my ex...

 

From what little i saw, i am sorry, but i am not seeing an "abuse". I don't know what others have told you, and i haven't read all of your posts, just your first post in your first thread. Just because he made some comments, doesn't mean he was emotionally abusive. Actually, you were the abusive party, you broke up with him in order to "punish" him for his supposed "transgressions". But he moved on and now you know the game is over... You should try some introspection yourself...

[samantha303]

First, you can't expect me to read every post you made in the past. I don't expect you to write the whole story again for me, but summarize the abuse in a few sentences...

 

Anyway, i looked into your first thread. Some things remind me of my relationship with my ex. Actually, for many years, my ex complained about me "belittling" her and insulting her all the time. Thing is, i didn't.

 

For example, my ex was overweight. Sometimes, i said to her things like "my sweet chubby girl". Well, not exactly like that, it was in greek and somewhat "sweeter" than that, but you get the idea. I said things like this, as a mild compliment and as a way to show to her that i accepted her the way she were. I just felt like saying them. But she felt i was trying to insult her, to make her feel bad, to belittle her, to make her cry. And we had many many fights over such simple things.

 

And i didn't say it often. Out of 100 things, 99 were positive things to uplift her, to make her feel good. And 1 was "bad", like the above example. She forgot the 99 and focused on the one thing she didn't like, and said i didn't love her and i didn't care for her feelings...

 

I suppose things like this, are the reason i was an "abuser". But truly, i wasn't. If you can't make a joke, if you can't be honest, if you can't be yourself, with the person you love, then something is really wrong...

 

I have been studying about Bordeline Personality Disorder, and funny thing, my ex's personality matches most traits perfectly. I even saw a video of a hypothetical conversation with a bordeline, and there was an eerie resemblance with some conversations with my ex...

 

From what little i saw, i am sorry, but i am not seeing an "abuse". I don't know what others have told you, and i haven't read all of your posts, just your first post in your first thread. Just because he made some comments, doesn't mean he was emotionally abusive. Actually, you were the abusive party, you broke up with him in order to "punish" him for his supposed "transgressions". But he moved on and now you know the game is over... You should try some introspection yourself...

 

 

I don't know you so I cant comment. And I dont want to type my entire story again.

And no it wasn't merely jokes. And abusers always use 'making jokes' as excuses of their abusive behaviour. Then they'd be like oh no i dont know what happened to me why did I punch you in your face? I can't believe it etc etc.

 

I make jokes all the time and I can tell what is a joke and what is an insult. 'Belittling someone' can turn into emotional abusive behaviour. He didn't 'make jokes' about anyone like he did to me. And constantly putting me down and making me feel worthless are classic examples of emotional abuse. If your gf accuses you of being abusive, you should reflect on yourself if you went beyond saying "my sweet chubby girl". Even a 10 yo can tell this is a joke. I think you are probably just denying your abusive behaviour. My ex claimed that he was just making jokes too. Can I say "you are a piece of s***", "why are you so dumb?" to someone and make fun of their ethinicity all the time and still claim that I'm merely joking? Especially that someone is who loves you the most?

 

And I think you are being very insensitive towards abusees so I think you shouldn;t comment on any threads like this on forums. A lot of abusees are a lot more vulnerable than I am.

 

And no he hasn't moved on so I can't move on.

[samantha303]

First, you can't expect me to read every post you made in the past. I don't expect you to write the whole story again for me, but summarize the abuse in a few sentences...

....

 

 

And by the way, I didn;t just use the term 'emotional abuse' randomly. I didn't jsut pick it up and claimed he was abusive. I was consulted by counselors and people who were under government protection because of demostic abuse.

[Simon Phoenix]

If you read cases like mine or worse cases, you'd know it's difficult for women to leave abusive partners. For us it's not a black and white answer, that's why it makes NC so much more difficult

 

But it can be. You just choose to make excuses for it not to be. Once again, I know it's hard, but things that are worth doing are hard. Your lack of boundaries will be your downfall. Instead of giving up, fight harder to construct them.