road Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 Cannot edit: People fail to see that this XBW did not have an affair, did not want her marriage to end, never stopped wanting her husband. And, there have been other BS's as her. Though if this OW/AP/wife does pass on and if her XWH does not reconcile with bluedress then she should put down the torch for her XWH. If her XWH does come back she will need to have him to work on recovery from the affair during the 1st marriage to make her remarriage to XWH affair proof. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 Cannot edit: People fail to see that this XBW did not have an affair, did not want her marriage to end, never stopped wanting her husband. And, there have been other BS's as her. Though if this OW/AP/wife does pass on and if her XWH does not reconcile with bluedress then she should put down the torch for her XWH. If her XWH does come back she will need to have him to work on recovery from the affair during the 1st marriage to make her remarriage to XWH affair proof. I get the whole affair as pinnacle thing.....but this man's current wife is DYING. Whatever they did in the past, you have to be a special kind of twisted to ignore that. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Tullyseptember Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 What would be even sadder is if this man went back to Bluedress and repeated the whole cycle again. Bluedress if you are intent on only seeing what you want, why don't you tell your ex-husband what you have written here and see what he has to say. Either you are in for a big wake up call or you will get the same cheating spouse back. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 The right moment is when the current OW/AP/wife has passed and the day of the funeral has passed as well. ....And maybe a year or two after that..... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 Even though he had the affair with her, he's it the cheating type at all. It was just that one time with her because he said he loved her and she was special. I would take him back in a minute especially if she wasn't around. You have GOT to be kidding me. I think you need to take off those rose-colored glasses and see this lying opportunist for what he IS, not what your rose-colored glasses imagine him to be. He's a liar, a cheater, and a dirt bag who left his wife for his supposed 'soul mate.' I actually feel sorry for you that you're willing to swallow all your pride and all your self respect and offer yourself up to this low life who left you 6 years ago. You need serious therapy. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 I just don't think people understand what I'm trying to get at. It's not rocket science for God's sakes. We don't need PhD's to recognize desperation when we see it. And anyone who gets treated the way YOU were treated - then comes sniffing around 6 years later in the hopes of winning this 'prize' back - is desperate. And deluded. And completely devoid of any pride or self worth. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
m4p Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 Even though he had the affair with her, he's it the cheating type at all. It was just that one time with her because he said he loved her and she was special. I would take him back in a minute especially if she wasn't around. Bluedress, I sincerely hope that you're trolling us because we are now 6 pages in filled with "NOOOOOOOOO" and you're still all "La la la.. I can't hear you........I want him to know I am here on high alert standby, ready to replace his possibly dying wife ANYTIME". Also, I noticed you called him your husband instead of ex-husband. Don't mean to be blunt but has it occurred to you that they are now together 2 years longer than the marriage you had with your EX-husband? He wouldn't be taking time off work if he doesn't love and care for her. I would highly recommend you to go ahead and approach him with this awesome happily-ever-after sales pitch to him. It'll have guaranteed results of him being totally appalled and disgusted and maybe running for the hills too. (That's if he's as decent of a man that you say he is.) Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 well blue dress has been gone over 24 hours so you probably have your answer Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Mind of Shazam Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 He's not your problem. I don't see how "being there" for him helps you in any way. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 Y I actually feel sorry for you that you're willing to swallow all your pride and all your self respect and offer yourself up to this low life who left you 6 years ago. You need serious therapy. Key word being SIX. What have you been doing for six years, OP? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 ....And maybe a year or two after that..... At least. I have this really off-putting vision of the OP hanging around the funeral, the only one not dressed in black. BlueDress, maybe she'll really p*ss you off and survive... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlueDress Posted October 1, 2015 Author Share Posted October 1, 2015 You guys are making it sound like I'm trying to start something. I'm just saying that I want him to realize that I'm here for him and I want to be there for him. I'm Im not trying to have an affair. If it became that though I wouldn't stop it or really feel bad about it but that is entirely different than just going and starting one. He left 6 years ago and I did date. I have been. It isn't the same. We didn't have the perfect marriage but it worked. I know you guys think he's some lying, cheating dirtbag who isn't worth it or my time but you're wrong. He's a really great guy and this was so out of character for him. He never even looked at other women before she came along. Then they had an affair and he was just gone. I tried to fight it and he did stay to work it out for a bit but his heart wasn't in it. No matter what we did, he wasn't really focused on us. We got divorced and he gave me everything, he said he just wanted out and wanted things taken care of. He's a wonderful father with the kids and he's there for them every day. He doesn't even pay child support or alimony late by even a day. He gives us extra even. When he got a raise he just started giving us extra without having to go to court. He is not the affair guy. He even said that. He just said that it was love with her and all this other stuff about how they were meant to be. Typical affair stuff. I know it sounds crazy but he is worth the wait. He was good to me for most of our marriage and he is good to her too. He's really grown up even more over the years and he is a different person, for the even better. We get along well enough but it's all very sterile. Mostly stuff about the kids. I don't think saying to him I want to help him or tell her or her family that I can take care of him and the kids after she goes is such a huge deal. It can lay down the groundwork for more between me and him and I'm ok with that. If he wants to mourn her or whatever that's ok. It's not like I'm trying to have an affair by saying I know I wouldn't stop it if it happened or feel bad about it. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 I get the whole affair as pinnacle thing.....but this man's current wife is DYING. Whatever they did in the past, you have to be a special kind of twisted to ignore that. Your response to my post makes no sense. It is not applicable to what I wrote. Also insulting to infer that I am twisted. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 Your response to my post makes no sense. It is not applicable to what I wrote. Also insulting to infer that I am twisted. Sometimes I am not responding to the post directly before mine, which I know is confusing. I don't think you are twisted. I think referring to a dying woman in pejorative terms is ugly, but you didn't do that. Sorry for the confusion. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 "He can mourn her or whatever" Seriously? This woman would find absolutely no comfort knowing her kids may be in your care. Your approach to her illness is nothing less than despicable. This woman may be dying and you're plotting to take over her life. If he loves her as you say, he will see right through your offer and be disgusted. I can't believe this is real. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Horton Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 I don't think saying to him I want to help him or tell her or her family that I can take care of him and the kids after she goes is such a huge deal. It can lay down the groundwork for more between me and him and I'm ok with that. If he wants to mourn her or whatever that's ok. It's not like I'm trying to have an affair by saying I know I wouldn't stop it if it happened or feel bad about it. Well that's very benevolent of you. But seriously, he's not coming back. You may not realize it now but it's a good thing he won't be coming back cause you'll never be truly happy being his plan B. Plus you can't be certain whether this was an aberration or not, if he came back he could very well cheat on you again, heck for all you know he could be cheating on her too. My advice is to seek out a counselor and a (single)man to date in that order, good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 You guys are making it sound like I'm trying to start something. I'm just saying that I want him to realize that I'm here for him and I want to be there for him. I'm Im not trying to have an affair. If it became that though I wouldn't stop it or really feel bad about it but that is entirely different than just going and starting one. He left 6 years ago and I did date. I have been. It isn't the same. We didn't have the perfect marriage but it worked. I know you guys think he's some lying, cheating dirtbag who isn't worth it or my time but you're wrong. He's a really great guy and this was so out of character for him. He never even looked at other women before she came along. Then they had an affair and he was just gone. I tried to fight it and he did stay to work it out for a bit but his heart wasn't in it. No matter what we did, he wasn't really focused on us. We got divorced and he gave me everything, he said he just wanted out and wanted things taken care of. He's a wonderful father with the kids and he's there for them every day. He doesn't even pay child support or alimony late by even a day. He gives us extra even. When he got a raise he just started giving us extra without having to go to court. He is not the affair guy. He even said that. He just said that it was love with her and all this other stuff about how they were meant to be. Typical affair stuff. I know it sounds crazy but he is worth the wait. He was good to me for most of our marriage and he is good to her too. He's really grown up even more over the years and he is a different person, for the even better. We get along well enough but it's all very sterile. Mostly stuff about the kids. I don't think saying to him I want to help him or tell her or her family that I can take care of him and the kids after she goes is such a huge deal. It can lay down the groundwork for more between me and him and I'm ok with that. If he wants to mourn her or whatever that's ok. It's not like I'm trying to have an affair by saying I know I wouldn't stop it if it happened or feel bad about it. You know what is not typical affair stuff? The ws leaving and marrying OW. Has it occurred to you that he was telling the truth about them being 'meant to be'? Sometimes people meet the one and when they lose them they mourn forever and never date again. Sometimes they marry again and settle for mediocre. It sounds like he truly loves her. That makes me wonder if you are a little off center for even considering your weird plan. Therapy is in order. He is over you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
sweet_pea Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 Girl. I mean this as kindly as possible- get a grip. You gotta stop with the fantasies of this man. How do you know he's changed? How do you know he's not cheating still? Being an a-hole still? How do you know that if you, in some strange, unlikely way, were to get with him, that he wouldn't treat you worse? Honey, please get some help. You need to look at his ACTIONS, not what you want to believe. You need to look at REALITY. He hasn't contacted you for help. He hasn't reached out to you in need. He doesn't need your help. He doesn't want your help. Let. It. Go. Link to post Share on other sites
MrBojangles Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 I know you guys think he's some lying, cheating dirtbag who isn't worth it or my time but you're wrong. He's a really great guy and this was so out of character for him. He never even looked at other women before she came along. Then they had an affair and he was just gone. I tried to fight it and he did stay to work it out for a bit but his heart wasn't in it. No matter what we did, he wasn't really focused on us. Let's break down the above and look at it from another POV, possibly even your exH's POV. Could it be he wanted to get away from you so bad that he latched onto the this woman? From what you are telling us, he never once thought about reconciling with you, never. Makes me wonder how bad being married to you must have been, that he bailed-out so decisively? You must consider the possibility that he still feels the same way about you even now. Sounds like you are stuck in an alternate reality that is preventing you from seeing how inappropriate your fantasy has become. Please seek some professional therapy to help you move on with your life. Sitting by the phone for 6 years isn't healthy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 Blue Dress, I'm going to bring up a few things that should indicate you can't ever get him back: Then they had an affair and he was just gone. There was a reason he left you. he said he just wanted out There was a reason he wanted out and to be away from you. He is not the affair guy. All evidence to the contrary. We get along well enough but it's all very sterile. There is a reason it is sterile. He is trying to be cordial; i.e., there is nothing to build upon for a future. He only talks to you about your children. I don't think saying to him I want to help him or tell her or her family that I can take care of him and the kids after she goes is such a huge deal. But it IS a big deal. It can lay down the groundwork for more between me and him and I'm ok with that. There is not "me and him" for you. If he wants to mourn her or whatever that's ok. You can't even see how callous that sounds, can you? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlueDress Posted October 2, 2015 Author Share Posted October 2, 2015 I'm not planning on taking over her life even though she really took over mine. Its really an unfair comparison to make. He is a decent guy and he's been great to me , her, my family, the kids, everybody really. He's not cheating on her, there's just no way. I don't think he's change on me either. I've changed a lot too and he's not a guy with the wandering eye. I think we could have a real shot. I'm looking at his actions and how he treats me and her and he really just does the right thing. The affair was just a fluke. When I see him and what they're going through and it must bring her some peace to know if something happens I'll be there. She knows me and she'll know where the kids will go, who's on their lives. No changing schools and they'd still be close to her family. Who wants to die worried about their kids or their husband? I don't think I'm outside of the box for wanting to discuss this with him or her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlueDress Posted October 2, 2015 Author Share Posted October 2, 2015 Blue Dress, I'm going to bring up a few things that should indicate you can't ever get him back: There was a reason he left you. There was a reason he wanted out and to be away from you. All evidence to the contrary. There is a reason it is sterile. He is trying to be cordial; i.e., there is nothing to build upon for a future. He only talks to you about your children. But it IS a big deal. There is not "me and him" for you. You can't even see how callous that sounds, can you? He left because he said she was "the one" and he loved her but he only just married her 6 months ago. If it wasn't for insurance they still wouldn't be married. She's the love of his life but they won't get married makes no sense. Our marriage wasn't all fireworks and roses sure but it was still a good marriage. It was very even and calm. Reliable. He made being with her sound like this great love story and how can I compete with that? He did try to work it out before he left but he didn't try all that hard. He didn't see her or call her and after a few weeks he said he was miserable and he couldn't do it. So he left. There was no real one reason except that. We were fine. He said we just never connected in the way they did. I was different in the marriage but so was he. I have a major temper and I know I took him for granted a little. We only ever fought about money and my working. Everything else was just normal. I look at her and me and their relationship and ours and I see what was different. It's not like I'd wander in blindly to the same relationship we had. When I said mourn or whatever, I mean like mourn or settle affairs or whatever he has to do. I'd assume that there are things like packing her stuff and being with the kids that would have to happen. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 I'm not planning on taking over her life even though she really took over mine.No. She didn't take over your life. She, as a cheater, invited YOUR husband over to HER life. And YOUR HUSBAND willingly went. Are you EVER going to wake up from your fantasy life? I take it back. It's clear you are delusional. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 I have a major temper and I know I took him for granted a little. Gotta love that delusion. Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 He's a really great guy he not only cheated on you with an acquaintance but he left you for her- HELLO! He left because he said she was "the one" and he loved her but he only just married her 6 months ago. If it wasn't for insurance they still wouldn't be married. She's the love of his life but they won't get married makes no sense. Our marriage wasn't all fireworks and roses sure but it was still a good marriage. It was very even and calm. Reliable. He made being with her sound like this great love story and how can I compete with that? He did try to work it out before he left but he didn't try all that hard. He didn't see her or call her and after a few weeks he said he was miserable and he couldn't do it. So he left. There was no real one reason except that. We were fine. He said we just never connected in the way they did. and you're ok with all this... knowing that you weren't enough for him, but she was- that she was and always will be his "soulmate?" don't you think you deserve to be thought of in a the same way by someone? not settle for second best, is what i mean... because that's exactly what you're planning on doing. Link to post Share on other sites
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