Living together

[introverted1]

The apartment is a rental property. I am going to add my name on the lease, which is for 6 months, if the things work out well, we'll rent/buy another place next year, if not... part ways when the lease is over.

 

Gaeta beat me to the punch here. Be very careful with this step. Once you are on the lease, you are each liable for the full payment. The landlord doesn't care how or if the expense is shared, only that s/he gets the full rent.

[losangelena]

Wait, wait, wait, back up a little bit.

 

Your BF is religious? I think this is the first I'm hearing of this. Based on what you've said of his past, this surprises me a bit (not that people can't turn around, but, ya know).

 

How religious is he? And what kind? It sounds to me like he's doing mental gymnastics: not so religious that he refrains from premarital sex, but religious enough that it makes him uncomfortable to tell his friends he's moving in with his GF? How is that going to play out?

 

As an ex-religious person myself, I can understand these dichotomies, but it was starting to date and having sex that first caused me to question my beliefs.

 

Just wondering.

[Gaeta]

Ohhh... I've done the 2 lease thing with another man before and it gives me chills... I still feel angry at myself with how much money this ex conned me.

You should have learn from this. I also bet you trusted that ex as well when you moved in with him.

 

So I'm probably acting very naive... But I trust my BF will not do that... Again, worse case scenario - his lease is for 6 months only.

Yes you are acting naive. Don't.

 

I don't have a good support network here, well...close to none. I also have a cat, complicating the renting scenarios. My mom is on another continent. So if it doesn't work out, it will be difficult at best to leave quickly. This almost makes me second guessing the decision... trying to be confident it will work out still.

 

I don't feel you are looking out for yourself.

 

Now I am learning you are a foreigner in that country with no family or network to fall back on in case of crisis. You are not in a position to <trust> someone you've known for 7 months only AND who has known financial issues.

 

What is the rush in moving in with him?

 

Do you really know the extent of his debts?

[No_Go]

He is Christian. Going to church every Sunday and all the related. He barely dated by 35 because of that reason, I'm his first gf of over 3-4 months. I don't know what made him switch in terms of premarital sex. I know he was very uncomfortable with that... although we slept together very early on, which is obviously contradictory... I have no idea how the living together will play out, he's very contradictory about it too - HE is sharing it around, yet he's uncomfortable with it. What do you think about it as a former religious person?

 

Wait, wait, wait, back up a little bit.

 

Your BF is religious? I think this is the first I'm hearing of this. Based on what you've said of his past, this surprises me a bit (not that people can't turn around, but, ya know).

 

How religious is he? And what kind? It sounds to me like he's doing mental gymnastics: not so religious that he refrains from premarital sex, but religious enough that it makes him uncomfortable to tell his friends he's moving in with his GF? How is that going to play out?

 

As an ex-religious person myself, I can understand these dichotomies, but it was starting to date and having sex that first caused me to question my beliefs.

 

Just wondering.

[No_Go]

If he's not lying to me, his debts are not extortionate, less than 10K I think. I don't know if it is appropriate to ask for details if not engaged.

 

Another issue: even the people that I live with now I just met on CL. So my current living arrangement is not so great either (and not to go into details, but one of my roommates is in a very volatile financial situation too, making me to consider moving out...). I have a Green card, so at least in immigration sense I'm stable. However, I'm going to be switching jobs in the very near future (end of contract), so my financial future is not that secure as well - therefore renting alone is a little precarious as well. Oh, and I'm in probably one of the most expensive cities in the US as well.

 

Basically, any of the 3 options - renting alone, sharing with my current roommates or with my BF I see as potential financial risk... The question is where the minimum lies. Life is hard

 

You should have learn from this. I also bet you trusted that ex as well when you moved in with him.

 

Yes you are acting naive. Don't.

 

 

 

I don't feel you are looking out for yourself.

 

Now I am learning you are a foreigner in that country with no family or network to fall back on in case of crisis. You are not in a position to <trust> someone you've known for 7 months only AND who has known financial issues.

 

What is the rush in moving in with him?

 

Do you really know the extent of his debts?

[MovingOnIsHard]

Three main reasons why you should not move in with this guy:

 

1. You already know that he is shady with his finances. When you are moving in with someone, romantic partner or roommate, it is important that all parties understand that they all have to put all their weight together in paying for shared expenses.

 

This is why it is important to know the person well and that takes time. Ideally, you should live separately and observe how that person is running their current living situation. If they cant manage themselves well on their own or if you find that there are incompatibilities, it wont change when u move in. Dont let yourself be a crutch to someone else.

 

2. You are in a foreign country with no friends/family to support you when things go wrong (and based on this guy's profile, it seems very likely). You are taking a huge risk in moving in with this guy you've only met for less than a year! You need to weigh the risks amd benefits here -- are the benefits worth the risk?

 

3. You are already having doubts moving in with this guy, hence why you started this thread. A lot of posters have also voiced their concerns.

 

At 7 months you are still in the dating phase, where you are getting to know someone eg. Habits, values... Keep dating him, observe his habits, and reflect if he is someone you can share a home with.

[Redhead14]

If he's not lying to me, his debts are not extortionate, less than 10K I think. I don't know if it is appropriate to ask for details if not engaged.

 

Another issue: even the people that I live with now I just met on CL. So my current living arrangement is not so great either (and not to go into details, but one of my roommates is in a very volatile financial situation too, making me to consider moving out...). I have a Green card, so at least in immigration sense I'm stable. However, I'm going to be switching jobs in the very near future (end of contract), so my financial future is not that secure as well - therefore renting alone is a little precarious as well. Oh, and I'm in probably one of the most expensive cities in the US as well.

 

Basically, any of the 3 options - renting alone, sharing with my current roommates or with my BF I see as potential financial risk... The question is where the minimum lies. Life is hard

 

 

I would continue to rent alone until it is clear that your boyfriend is being financially responsible. Keep the lease in your name if he moves in with you. If he is not keeping up with his share of expenses, you have your answer. Tell him you two can live together for six months and at the end of that time, you two will re-evaluate the situation to decide whether to move forward.

[losangelena]

He is Christian. Going to church every Sunday and all the related. He barely dated by 35 because of that reason, I'm his first gf of over 3-4 months. I don't know what made him switch in terms of premarital sex. I know he was very uncomfortable with that... although we slept together very early on, which is obviously contradictory... I have no idea how the living together will play out, he's very contradictory about it too - HE is sharing it around, yet he's uncomfortable with it. What do you think about it as a former religious person?

 

 

Having gone through this myself, I would say that it's really hard to have a foot in both worlds. I got all kinds of opinions about dating non-Christian guys and how that wasn't a good thing. I really distanced myself because of it, since I felt so judged.

 

If he can find a way to be at peace with it in his mind, then great. My roommate is somehow able to, when I cannot. For me, I thought, "well, if chastity/purity is supposedly so important to me, how is it that I could sleep with a near stranger on a second date and furthermore feel no guilt over it?" It really made me start questioning these so-called convictions to the point where I am now. I can't say this is his experience—everyone is different. Have y'all talked about it? Is he able to articulate it?

 

Being in your position, I would feel a bit strange, maybe, wondering if one day he's going to wake up and get all his conviction back and date someone with the same beliefs. Or I'd feel weird if he was uncomfortable introducing me to church friends or explaining who I was.

[No_Go]

I realized I made a thread for this when we started dating: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/521101-he-s-religios-i-m-agnostic-deal-breaker

 

He described very similar concerns to yours, indirectly, are his religious friends going to judge my non-religious friends and vice versa.

 

For me, so far, it hasn't been a problem, because I enjoy exploring faith with him. He knows that for me is almost a "scientific" endeavor, but on the other side, he also knows I respect the Christian values as a whole, and make a lot of effort to integrate in this part of his life.

 

His friends from church are my friends too now... It hasn't been an issue and I was honest with them: I've been born in a Christian family, never practiced, but fascinated with exploring Christianity.

 

I don't know how he deals with so called "convictions". HE insisted for sex early on... And now he suggested moving in... So these were self-inflicted from him I'm wondering if this will backfire one day... But have no idea how to approach it in a conversation without sounding offensive.

 

P.S. In his parents/friends places we stay in separate rooms - that made me think that he's uncomfortable with the sexuality aspect... Although he said it is of respect to them and tried to sneak in nevertheless Else i think he's comfortable with his sexuality, although mainly talking about the connection aspect of it... So I don't know, maybe deep inside he believes he's doing a sin and trying to justify himself... It will be strange if it backfires now, after so many months.

 

Having gone through this myself, I would say that it's really hard to have a foot in both worlds. I got all kinds of opinions about dating non-Christian guys and how that wasn't a good thing. I really distanced myself because of it, since I felt so judged.

 

If he can find a way to be at peace with it in his mind, then great. My roommate is somehow able to, when I cannot. For me, I thought, "well, if chastity/purity is supposedly so important to me, how is it that I could sleep with a near stranger on a second date and furthermore feel no guilt over it?" It really made me start questioning these so-called convictions to the point where I am now. I can't say this is his experience—everyone is different. Have y'all talked about it? Is he able to articulate it?

 

Being in your position, I would feel a bit strange, maybe, wondering if one day he's going to wake up and get all his conviction back and date someone with the same beliefs. Or I'd feel weird if he was uncomfortable introducing me to church friends or explaining who I was.

[No_Go]

I'm resurrecting the tread because after one month of living together, some of my fears has faded, others emerged.

 

My fear with the money matters so far subsided. We're cutting the rent in half, I offered to do the same with bills (they're on his name), he's doing the groceries too (surprisingly he's reluctant when I offered to contribute). I still see him as an irresponsible spender though: not opportunistic spender for sure, and no problems on monthly basis, but he has no long term plan (e.g. when he saves some, he enrolled in gym classes, buys electronics etc ... Nearing 40 with student debts omg). Since we're not married I do not comment but it kind of bothers me.

 

Else he's sweet, cooks me dinner nightly, organizes dates etc. I don't know how to react sometimes though ... Although I like this caring gestures, I feel smothered sometimes - he doesn't leave me space in the evenings (I also work much later than him, we both leave very early... I'm not sure if I'm making excuses but seems like he wants to plan the limited time left)

 

Now my biggest issue: I still haven't introduced him to my family, I feel so scared by the idea that I'm losing sleep over it. I'm thinking what if my mom flies over unexpectedly and sees my new "roommate"... I wonder shall I tell him that I still haven't told my overseas family about him, so we can make a plan how to do it... But I think he'd be insulted. It has been 9 months... Besides my strained family relationship, the fact that I never introduced a man to them, I also had career issues (made a major career switch) after I met him, I'm so scared my family will put my "failure" on him, although it is not the case (funnily my new job is better paid just less "prestigious", which diappointed many people in my circles...)