Ladies, would you tell a guy he isn't good in bed?

[Toodaloo]

OP - men have egos and in order for them to perform the way I like I know I have to keep that ego in place.

 

Instead of saying I would perhaps buy some books, watch porn with them so I can tell them what I like or perhaps gently put ideas in their heads.

 

My advice is to hit the books. Go on Amazon and search for Violet Blue? (I think) and the Ultimate guide to cunnilingus, once you do that other options will come up.

 

The rule I have about sex books is to focus on the ones that are informative and have less pictures!!! The ones with lots of pictures tend to be a bit rubbish.

 

For what its worth though. The first time with anyone new is always a bit rubbish in comparison to someone that you are in a caring a loving relationship with. Those big O's take time, knowledge and care to achieve.

 

One of the best lovers I have ever had was a bit rubbish to start. Equally one of the worst was also bit of a duff at the start!

 

So hit the books and learn all you can about how and where to touch, kiss etc.

[Lois_Griffin]

I don't need a "bond" such that I'd feel compelled to be a man's sex coach if he's bad in bed prior to sleeping with him, sorry. I am not going to show and take the time to teach a grown man with plenty of experience with women how to not be a selfish, jackrabbit lover. If we're incompatible, we're incompatible. That type of compatibility needs to either exist, or it doesn't. It's not something I'm willing to waste time trying to cultivate, and here it was obvious it wouldn't be developed and after that experience I had no desire to. It was gross and a complete turn-off.

 

And I'm the farthest thing from cold; even that guy would agree, he thanked me for my honesty, as he had no idea what he'd been doing wrong.

 

I told him. Every other woman just never saw/talked to him again.

I agree.

 

If the fool is over 30 and still performing like a 17 year old horny boy, then he's not worth training.

[cif]

 

 

Basically she told me she was comparing me to her ex who she was not over yet,

 

The issue with her might not have anything to do with you.

 

But a little advice, before jumping into bed with someone spend at least a week talking about sex.. Sexting, dirty talk, listening to what the other person says they find hot. It removes some of the first time awkwardness. Also, there is nothing wrong with talking during sex, many even find it a turn on. I've been in relationship for a while and still tell SO what i want, and of course so does he.

 

Most importantly if you are no longer feeling it with someone don't continue, it only causes resentment.

[Toodaloo]

I agree.

 

If the fool is over 30 and still performing like a 17 year old horny boy, then he's not worth training.

 

The best lover I had that started out rubbish was 49 when I started training him ... And oh my it was well worth the training!

 

You have to pick and choose the men you invest in. If your not going to invest emotionally kick him to the kerb. If you are, then invest in training him up in the bedroom.

[todreaminblue]

The best lover I had that started out rubbish was 49 when I started training him ... And oh my it was well worth the training!

 

You have to pick and choose the men you invest in. If your not going to invest emotionally kick him to the kerb. If you are, then invest in training him up in the bedroom.

 

 

thats the word...investment......it is an investment to spend time with a guy and invest in a satisfying love life.....together...thoughtful advice toodaloo...deb

[lino]

Don't expect too many honest answers here.

[road]

That woman was unnecessarily harsh. Her right to dump the a man. Though she could of sucked it up long enough to throw out 1 or 2 tips then find a was to quickly and tactfully to end the session.

 

 

Women talk about sisterhood. To do as the above she would of been helping out the next woman that gets that man.

[Els]

 

I don't think I would be the kind of person to come out and tell anyone they're bad at anything especially sex. If I liked the guy enough but felt he could use a bit of finesse in the bedroom I'd be more inclined to show him what I want and need rather than insult him. If things did not improve I'd just end things based on incompatibility. I just don't see the point in being cruel about it.

 

Right. There's a HUGE difference between communicating what you like and what works for you (which I think everyone should do - humans aren't mind readers!), and just straight out saying, "You suck."

[Els]

I have to say, this says more about you.

 

Evidently, there was no bond formed even before you had sex.

 

BECAUSE, had you cared, you would have shown and taken the time. Age doesn't matter.

 

I haven't been with a a lot of women, so don't have a lot of experience with what different ones like.

 

It doesn't mean I don't want to learn and please the woman.

 

You seem pretty cold yourself. I have to say. Uncaring is the word. That alone is a big turnoff for a guy.

 

I think you're projecting your own issues onto RoseVille. People break up for incompatibility reasons all the time, and no one would fault YOU for breaking up with a woman you're incompatible with. She just told him they were incompatible until he kept pressing her, she did not straight out insult the guy nor did she compare him to an ex, FFS.

 

No one is entitled to have a new dating partner stay and work through everything with them. There is a reason dating exists instead of just picking two random people and sticking them with each other for the rest of their lives.

[MoreAmore]

Ladies answer it please. I never had anyone say that to me, except this last one.

 

Whats that say if they tell you they think you aren't that good (and admit comparing you without you even asking).

 

Lets get this one going….

 

Not very likely.

 

I wouldn't want to hurt his feelings.

 

Maybe if I got to the point of considering forever, to work on it, but I can't imagine staying with someone who is that bad. If it was just okay I would silently hope it would get better and try suggestions in bed. I would still tell him he was good. I would not fawn over how good he is- which at this point I've proven to myself I can't help but doing post coitally if he is exceptionally good.

 

I wouldn't lie if asked directly.

[MoreAmore]

That said, I did date a guy who told me his last girlfriend told him when she broke up with him that he was rubbish in bed. I pretended he was good because he was so clearly hurt by that and I really liked him.

 

In retrospect, he is one of hthe only two guys I have ever liked who I do not respect and like as a person now, and too bad I didn't tell him so he could work on that and have something to offer a partner.

 

I am not sure sex skills will change too much after you've already been sexually active over 20 years though. That's part of my reasoning.

[Toodaloo]

thats the word...investment......it is an investment to spend time with a guy and invest in a satisfying love life.....together...thoughtful advice toodaloo...deb

 

Thing is Deb is that he was equally as invested in me at the time. Therefore it made it worth the effort and oh my word... Even now I get a pulse between my legs thinking about that one even though I now I never speak to him and have no desire for him!!!

 

If the other person isn't going to invest in you as well there really is no point at all. Doesn't matter if its sex, finances, actions etc all those things that make up a relationship... if both parties do not invest in each other it is just not going to work well.

 

The other chap who was awful... I tried really hard with him. It was that bad that one day I started reading my book during sex and he didn't notice. I figured it was time to call it a day then... If Colin Dexter is more entertaining than being "pumped at"... well it just says it all doesn't it! I figured there was no point in trying any longer. So yes that was the moment when he was "dumped" in my eyes...

[Guyouthere]

I think you're projecting your own issues onto RoseVille. People break up for incompatibility reasons all the time, and no one would fault YOU for breaking up with a woman you're incompatible with. She just told him they were incompatible until he kept pressing her, she did not straight out insult the guy nor did she compare him to an ex, FFS.

 

No one is entitled to have a new dating partner stay and work through everything with them. There is a reason dating exists instead of just picking two random people and sticking them with each other for the rest of their lives.

 

You have it wrong.

She did compare me to her ex when I asked her why she felt that. She flat out told me so. She was cold about it, also said what she had was a "mental block" when it came to sex.

 

She didn't say we were incompatible, but rather I didn't know how to do it according to her standard. She did try to show me, and it worked, but I simply needed more time to get over that initial blow.

 

Well she gave me her own mental block, because that right there jujst took a part of me away, at least for a bit.

I felt that is why it don't work as well the second time around, which was a few days later.

[Els]

You have it wrong.

She did compare me to her ex when I asked her why she felt that. She flat out told me so. She was cold about it, also said what she had was a "mental block" when it came to sex.

 

She didn't say we were incompatible, but rather I didn't know how to do it according to her standard. She did try to show me, and it worked, but I simply needed more time to get over that initial blow.

 

Well she gave me her own mental block, because that right there jujst took a part of me away, at least for a bit.

I felt that is why it don't work as well the second time around, which was a few days later.

 

.... Wow, you're still projecting. I'm saying that RoseVille (the poster whom you attacked!) did not do any of that. Neither of us were or are talking about your ex!

[PrettyEmily77]

Ladies answer it please. I never had anyone say that to me, except this last one.

 

Whats that say if they tell you they think you aren't that good (and admit comparing you without you even asking).

 

Lets get this one going….

 

It probs just says they're a little callous, TBH.

 

Never been in this situation myself bc I'm already heavily invested emotionally before taking things further, and that can happen slowly or quickly, whatever feels right for both of us; that said, I really have no issue telling a guy exactly what I want from him. The BF seems very happy with that and has never taken it the wrong way.

 

If the guy wasn't that good (happens, not everyone is born a stud + it really doesn't have to be mind blowing all the time) but there's potential + other things just gel / it's not just about sex, there's no reason not to give it more time and gentle guidance.

 

If it's a lost cause (also happens, you can't be sexually compatible with everyone) and it really is just about sex, say your good byes and wish her luck finding a more suitable partner.

 

Whatever the reasons, she's clearly not for you so not point in mulling it over.

[Guyouthere]

So this one for the guys…..

 

Would you lose interest in the girl if she started off telling you that you didn't live up to her "expectations"?

 

How would you handle her, and would it permanently affect how you felt about her in the future, or at least for a while until things progressed further?

[Gaeta]

She is sexually, emotionally, socially, relationship immature.

 

That is why you should aim at women your age or AT LEAST 40 and up.

 

Guy: she is 24 for goodness sake what did you expect? She is barely out of her diapers and you expect her to reason like mature woman?

 

NO mature woman will compare her new lover to her EX while in bed or out of bed for that matter.

[Guyouthere]

She is sexually, emotionally, socially, relationship immature.

 

That is why you should aim at women your age or AT LEAST 40 and up.

 

Guy: she is 24 for goodness sake what did you expect? She is barely out of her diapers and you expect her to reason like mature woman?

 

NO mature woman will compare her new lover to her EX while in bed or out of bed for that matter.

 

What she got me hooked on was her "maturity", or appearance of such. She boasted of maturity, often saying she felt older in a young body.

 

I think any guy would be able to tell you, that such a thing is most attractive, and it is, IF it is real.

 

She has the smarts, and is intelligent, but then it is obvious she lacks in other areas.

 

So I began to question her, and now when I see the entire picture, it is evident that she isn't mature in all ways

[Maggie4]

Basically you're upset because you felt she disrespected you.

 

Of course I'm not saying anytime a woman is communicating her needs, she's disrespecting the guy. The way a woman chooses to do this talk, depends on her intention: to improve intimate relations? Or to use intimacy to belittle you? Let's not make this a general question about whether women should tell men this.

 

You were on the receiving end of a particular talk from a particular woman. You know her intention, by tone of voice, by body language, whether or not she's on your side. From your description, I gather she doesn't think you're a keeper.

[Guyouthere]

Basically you're upset because you felt she disrespected you.

 

Of course I'm not saying anytime a woman is communicating her needs, she's disrespecting the guy. The way a woman chooses to do this talk, depends on her intention: to improve intimate relations? Or to use intimacy to belittle you? Let's not make this a general question about whether women should tell men this.

 

You were on the receiving end of a particular talk from a particular woman. You know her intention, by tone of voice, by body language, whether or not she's on your side. From your description, I gather she doesn't think you're a keeper.

 

I would differ in opinion.

 

She did try, said I had "potential", but my feeling is that once something like this is done, it can have a permanent effect on all future encounters, or at least I currently feel that. Maybe it is just the hurt of the idea she didn't consider my feelings. Im just not used to this.

[regine_phalange]

No, that's very insensitive and needless to say. The fact that I don't like the sex with someone doesn't mean other women didn't or won't.

[Maggie4]

I would differ in opinion.

 

She did try, said I had "potential", but my feeling is that once something like this is done, it can have a permanent effect on all future encounters, or at least I currently feel that. Maybe it is just the hurt of the idea she didn't consider my feelings. Im just not used to this.

 

Only you know the truth because I only know what you told us. I'm just saying you would know better than all of us put together, because you have first hand information, and your feelings are your own.

[Gaeta]

 

She did try, said I had "potential",

 

I would never ever again give a minute of my time of brain time to someone that told me I have <potential>. The nerve!!!!

[Guyouthere]

I would never ever again give a minute of my time of brain time to someone that told me I have <potential>. The nerve!!!!

 

True, she really said that.

 

Im quite bothered by that.

 

And that was after I went 4000 miles to see her, to be there for her, as I was all along prior to that.

 

You can see where my feelings originate from now.

[RoseVille]

I would differ in opinion.

 

She did try, said I had "potential", but my feeling is that once something like this is done, it can have a permanent effect on all future encounters, or at least I currently feel that. Maybe it is just the hurt of the idea she didn't consider my feelings. Im just not used to this.

 

She tried, she said you had potential. So, she was communicating her needs to you and trying to help improve things.

 

You THINK she didn't consider your feelings, because your feelings were indeed hurt. Because in your opinion, if she'd considered your feelings, she'd have kept her mouth shut.