my married man left his wife

[MiChick43]

Well...I never thought my ex would cheat ever. I realized from that situation that you really never know someone 100%. And you are right, you never know what its like until you are in that situation. I know Ill never cheat with a MM again because I know what it feels like as the s/o being cheated on. Until you experience being the wife hurt you never really know how wrong it is. I was devastated when my ex boyfriend cheated and ran off. I then realized just how hurt the wife must have been when I cheated with her husband.

[tiredofbeingtheother]

[color=indigo][/color]

[font=courier new]hello, i am there. my mm left w in january and there divorce will be final in june. the only difference is that she caught us together so she knows. we are also looking at a house and his kids know. everyone has been hurt by this and it does take time. if he doesnt want her to know all you can do is wait until the divorce is final and then slowly get the kids used to you being with him. and if he really really loves his kids there opinion will matter and you better not rush him, or else risk losing him. it will be hard on the kids and up to the two of you to make it as easy as possible for them.[/font]

[EnigmaXOXO]

tiredofbeingtheother writes: my mm left w in january and there divorce will be final in june. the only difference is that she caught us together so she knows.

 

Did it have any effect on the separation/divorce process, itself? Did she stall for more time or money?

 

Also, how have his children taken to you (if they know)…or have you gotten to that point yet?

[aires_girl4380]

I am new here & posted my situation here a couple weeks ago- the OW here gave me some great insight & made me realize that being the OW & believing the MM while something hard to break away for was better done sooner than later. I talked w/ my MM & told him that this was a relationship that was no longer healthy for me & that I had to separate myself from him. What did he do.....move out- but like your situation I wasnt able to go there- well unless it was a planned outing. I soon found out that he had told his wife that he needed a break- nothing about a separation &/or divorce just a break....to sort out their problems & just look at the situation. I found this out Monday....today is my day # 4 with out any contact from MM

If MM is leaving his w & fam for you & your relationship is "forever" then why should the W & children know about you?

They should you are playing a major role in their life. I hope all works for you, but just check & double check everything he tells you.....really your relationship is based off a lie from the start right so why would MM stop now?

[overseas2004]

Yes it calls to mind a relationship that I had with a seperated man. They were living apart for seven years and he promised me that he was going to make that divorce final. Unbeknownst to me he invited her to our house in Europe while I was away to see my parents. When I returned a few days early to see him because I missed him, I found wifey there. Well guess what? He never asked for a divorce. Surprise surprise surprise....And I was left to sob and sob, when he finally admitted that he wasnt going to go through with it. Now he has some other girlfriend and his wife still lives apart from him. I am just glad that he is no longer a part of my mysery but sorry he is a part of someone elses. But not to bore you with my story. Here is some advice.

 

 

Sweetie the bottom line is that marriage is a difficult thing for a person to become disengaged from. Besides becoming accustomed to the person, when a man and a woman have children together they become family. And that bond as I am sure you are aware will never be broken. They are the mother and father of their common children. They purchased a house together. There is alot of memories there that arent that easy to leave. Sh*t I had trouble leaving my parents house when I went to college, I cant imagine what leaving my spouse and children would be like. Awfully lonely I bet. But,,, that does not excuse his lies. And lies they are... and here is why.

 

He is LYING about being afraid that she wont let him see the kids. That is against the law and impossible. The court will award a schedule for him when they go to divorce court and unless he was a dangerous man (e.g. abusive to his children), he will be able to get his kids up to 50 % of the time, depending on his ability to get along with his wife in this respect. The fact that he committed adultery does not wiegh in on whether a man gets to see his own children. IT does not reduce the time factor in any way. BUt adultery can affect another part of a divorce settlement in a fault state, which is the kind of state you live in from what you have wrote.

 

What is the more likely scenario here is that (judging from the fact that they have to live for one year apart) is that you live in a fault state. In otherwords, you can not get divorced in your state immediately unless there is adultery of desertion of one of the spouses until you have lived seperate and apart for a year. If he does get divorced because she can prove adultery, well then he will have to give up more of his finances to her in a fault settlement. He may actually lose quite a lot of money, and I bet he just didnt want to admit to you that money might be more important than you.

 

There is one thing I want to alert you to as well. If he is spending the night at her house, then the one year of seperation can not clock. IF she can prove through any witness (including the kids) that daddy spends the night there, then they are not really living seperate and apart and that one year time frame gets delayed until he stops spending the night there. And the court will try to preserve the marriage and not allow the divorce because you live in a fault state. In fact those living seperate and apart laws are designed to preserve marriages and give people a chance to reconcile.

 

How do I know this? Unfortunately at one time I litigated alot of cases like this in the great state of Maryland. And my dad when he tried to get a divorce from my mom, was haulted from proceeding cuz he spent too many nights over at our house. And yes, he ended up leaving the woman he was having an affair with and made up with my mom. This was about 1 1/2 years after he moved out that he moved back in and they were happy again. Moral of the story, dont waste your precious time and your precious life on something so uncertain.

 

So you better think and think hard. And as some other poster said turn on the BS detector on real high...

 

Good luck and keep us posted.

[tiredofbeingtheother]

She decided to divorce him after she caught us, because he said he was unhappy and not coming back. the kids are 11 and 13. they are mad at me because i have known them since they were 2 and 4, so they are hurt that i took daddy away. and she is taking her share of $$ from him, believe me, but i dont care because i have him and thats what i wanted.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Thanks Tired.

 

I was curious…not only for our original poster and the OW on this forum, but also for myself.

 

I know as difficult as it may be to choose between spouse and affair partner, I always wondered if it would be even more difficult to choose between children and affair partner. Particularly on those rare occasions when the transition has been made.

 

I often wondered how the parent who left the marriage would deal with the situation if their children refused to accept the new relationship. Particularly because of how they met, or when the other parent (perhaps out of resentment) might heavily influence the way the children feel towards their new step mother/father?

 

I can only imagine how much strain it might place on the new relationship…unless of course the wayward parent was okay with being estranged from their children.

 

I was just curioius to learn from someone who had actually gotten this far with their married partner whether or not they found the parent/child factor to be yet another point of contention when it came to moving forward with their own relationship?

[reservoirdog1]

I know that is the saying, but my guy is different. I don't think he will cheat on me

An even better saying:

 

"A man who marries his mistress leaves an opening for that position."

[tiredofbeingtheother]

he finds the seperation from the kids very hard. plus the wife talks badly about both of us which makes them hate me more. it is hard but we'll get through it.

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by Sara_g

He has kids, who he will see on weekends. He has his own house now, but I still can't sleep over or really come there much, or be around his kids.

 

I would like to marry him in the next couple years and want to know the best way to progress.

 

It's obvious that he didn't get divorced because of you. While you have big plans for the two of you, he seems to not even take your relationship seriously. There is no reason for which someone who is in love wouldn't want you to sleep over or really come there much. When the divorce is finalized he will probably make excuses related to the children to keep you at a certain distance. I hope things turn in your favor, but keep your eyes open and don't let him pull your leg. He is probably not doing it on purpose. Have you discussed your future so far? How often do you see each other now?

[scarlyjones]

Oy ve'..............................why would anyone want to put themselves in a position to be called "Homewrecker"? What makes you so darned sure he WONT cheat on you like he cheat on his wife? (by the way ,...I already know your cliche' answer to that ) Are you even thinking of the kids,....and how this is going to screw them up? Because it will. You know this is wrong and has been. Do YOUR parents know about this relationship, for instance? Or is this something you would never want family to know about? If so,....then thats proof you know this is wrong.

[aires_girl4380]

Originally posted by scarlyjones

Oy ve'..............................why would anyone want to put themselves in a position to be called "Homewrecker"? What makes you so darned sure he WONT cheat on you like he cheat on his wife? (by the way ,...I already know your cliche' answer to that ) Are you even thinking of the kids,....and how this is going to screw them up? Because it will. You know this is wrong and has been. Do YOUR parents know about this relationship, for instance? Or is this something you would never want family to know about? If so,....then thats proof you know this is wrong.

 

 

A little tough on her aren’t you…..isn’t the purpose in posting our individual stories here to get support?! We all have done things that we aren’t proud of & wish that we could take back- that’s life. I have realized that when your heart gets involved its hard to make the right logical decision.

I personally don’t believe that “once a cheater always a cheater”

People stray for multiple reasons. You cant live your life on what if’s & by judging someone on what they did in the past. There is too many factors.

As far as his children go it is NOT her responsibility to protect his children. As children they should not know anything about the situation. If they do the finger should be pointed at the mother &/or father not the OW or OM.

Everyone answers for what they do……What goes around comes around.

We don’t need extra people sitting back & condemning our actions.

Just a thought…….Why don’t we stop being so critical & start providing healthy advice that will help the other person find their strength & overcome their personal dilemma.