LoveMachine67 Posted September 27, 2015 Share Posted September 27, 2015 Just ashamed. I don't want to jack your thread, but I must say this. You are one of the best examples on this forum of how people can change for the better, once they've removed themselves from a bad situation. The advice you give here reflects how far you've progressed from the days when you were the OW. The fact that you are even asking yourself these questions now, further proves your growth as person. Many would not even take the time to reflect back as to how they ended up a situation similar to yours. So please don't beat yourself up too much over the past. You got to be the positive thoughtful person you are today, because of what you went through in the past. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted September 27, 2015 Share Posted September 27, 2015 Ok... I'm doing what you say. Now if just more people would follow your lead . . . . :laugh: Seriously, its a lovey day whatever the weather, it is something in your past that you are well free of, why he did, didn't, thought, didn't think, felt, didn't feel and any other gobbly guck that he did is no longer your concern. Just another opportunity to shake your head, mumble "what a moron" and go along your lovely way. Deep dive the areas you can get answers to and can control, your thoughts, feelings, actions. His are inconsequential at this point. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Southern Sun Posted September 27, 2015 Share Posted September 27, 2015 I find we can be very jealous and possessive of things we know in our heart we don't "have." He was married to his wife. He "had" her. You were never really his. It comes from a place of feeling unsettled and insecure...when you expect and fear loss. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted September 28, 2015 Share Posted September 28, 2015 First, I want to start by saying that he is an EXMM (read: we are no longer in contact). But, my memory was jogged about something that happened that I found so odd and maybe some light can be shed on it by you folks. I used to observe xMM's wife flirting like crazy with another man on FB. I mean it was overt and downright disrespectful to xMM, yet xMM would never comment or say anything (even when tagged). Yet her flirting continued on and on and xMM would never show any signs of being jealous or upset. He acted like he didn't care at all and wasn't phased (which I found odd). BUT, when it came to me, someone who was not his wife, meaning I didn't even belong to him, he acted so paranoid and jealous that I would be interested in another guy. I mean, any little sign or word I said that even hinted at it, he would point it out and question me. He suspicions were always up, and I would always deny it (which was true). He would seem relieved when I reassured him, and I was never interested in anyone else so it was true. It was the epitome of the behavior of a jealous person, and I understood it from that perspective, but what I did not understand is why he didn't seem to act the same way with his wife? Any ideas? I think maybe he felt less control of her and maybe gave up and decided to pretend like he never saw it, because she was seriously blatant in his face with it. It could be that since she is his wife, she is already married to him, and maybe he figured it meant nothing and she wasn't going anywhere....just like I assume although he was cheating away he's still married to her and wasn't going anywhere. You as the OW though weren't obligated with him so your flirting/other men being in your life were more of a threat as he knows being the OW isn't most OW's dream and it was very likely that should another man who was single who could offer it all came along you could tell him goodbye with no obligation to stay put with him in an A. I think that's most likely the reason. Wife is more of a sure thing. OW is more of a wild card. Wife has more incentive not to leave the marriage whereas OW has less incentive to stay put in the A so can go off with another men much more easily. At the end of the day I'm not in his head though but to me that seems like a high possibility. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted September 28, 2015 Share Posted September 28, 2015 I find we can be very jealous and possessive of things we know in our heart we don't "have." He was married to his wife. He "had" her. You were never really his. It comes from a place of feeling unsettled and insecure...when you expect and fear loss. This makes sense to me as well. I can also say that my affair relationship was the ONLY relationship where I experienced jealousy as well. No wonder, I didn't truly have him 100% and there was a lot of fear of loss and insecurity. Whereas with other boyfriends where it was not an affair, I never felt that way. I never felt threatened by other women or jealous. Most all of them were conventionally attractive guys who had a lot going for them that other women would like but I never at any point felt jealous or particularly possessive. I could easily point out good looking women to them, or tell them if I thought a woman was into them and all of that was from a place of security...it's not that I thought they couldn't cheat but they didn't give me any reason to believe they were looking to do that and I knew it was just me and them 100%. Whereas with the AP, I had several "mistress meltdowns" over jealousy, not just towards his SO but in terms of him interacting with other women too...I was always paranoid and it largely came from the insecurity and fear of loss in the situation where I already knew he was cheating on one person, I already knew he had another woman he was obligated to, and I also had a small voice saying maybe he's just a cheater who will cheat with anyone who appeals to him enough. All that to say I can see it on a MM's end as well where the OW is not the sure thing so there is more of that possessiveness, insecurity and fear of loss...my AP behaved this way with me too, but given his personality I think he would have also behaved that way with his SO. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted September 28, 2015 Share Posted September 28, 2015 His wife was a done deal. He didn't have to worry about her. You were an unknown entity. Possible? It is quite amazing how much trust we place in our spouses. Foolish in many cases. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Adoraxx Posted September 28, 2015 Share Posted September 28, 2015 I think he acted jealous about YOU and not about his wife because he knows he 'has' her because she is his wife officially and she is 'bound' to him. You on the other hand, weren't officially his so he might have been worried that another man would steal you away from him? Also, he probably always knew more about what his wife was up to (daily activities/ her schedule) than about you. He probably feels more in control about W... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Midwestmissy Posted September 28, 2015 Share Posted September 28, 2015 Not sure if it was already said, but he seems to truly trust his wife. I had unconditional trust in my spouse (regardless of other women showing interest) until he gave me reason not to. He sounds insecure and needy. Jealousy is not having a secure feeling about your relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Popsicle Posted September 28, 2015 Author Share Posted September 28, 2015 This thread has helped me so much. Thank you to everyone who's given their thoughts. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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