Mr. Lucky Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 As I type this my cell is ringing, my wife, and i can guess what it is. My daughter Just got invited to a HC dance in a couple of weeks, wants to go. Wife is calling with reasons not to go ( homework, college apps.) and wants me on board with this when daughter comes home from school. Why on earth would your wife think a single event like a dance would hinder homework or college applications? Hopefully you'll stand up for your daughter... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 My wife would not be destitute, and she is intelligent/ and can hold a job. With her life she has chosen to do less and less as time has gone on, both in personal interest/ activities, and responsibilities. She is the mirror image of her Mom... Always can find a reason not to do something. As I type this my cell is ringing, my wife, and i can guess what it is. My daughter Just got invited to a HC dance in a couple of weeks, wants to go. Wife is calling with reasons not to go ( homework, college apps.) and wants me on board with this when daughter comes home from school. To answer last question, Thought of leaving kids is stressful. My youngest and I review her day eveyday when I come home ( she is 14) and always excited. I keep thinking " sleep on it, and see what you think tomorrow". Then tomorrow comes, and I repeat the process.This is because she's been ALLOWED to do it; no consequences. IMO, separating is probably the best thing you can do FOR your wife, because it will force her to stop this little comfort zone she's created. And if it were my life, I'd suggest to my daughter that she consider coming to live with you, or at least stay over there half the time; she's old enough to choose. Get an apartment close to the house so it's convenient. By the time she graduates, if your wife hasn't changed any, she never will. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 As I type this my cell is ringing, my wife, and i can guess what it is. My daughter Just got invited to a HC dance in a couple of weeks, wants to go. Wife is calling with reasons not to go ( homework, college apps.) and wants me on board with this when daughter comes home from school.fyi, my H was a lot like your wife. Just wanted DD to stay home, and he came up with a million excuses. We finally dragged him to therapy where the therapist told him 'She's 17, a junior in high school, and she NEEDS to be spending time with her friends, at the mall, without you chaperoning.' Just because she's your daughter's mother doesn't make her right. I stood up for my daughter and fixed things. You need to, too. Are you afraid of standing up to her? Be honest. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ShouldGo Posted October 8, 2015 Author Share Posted October 8, 2015 She'll go to dance, I'll make sure. The point is everything needs to be a discussion, even the little things. Link to post Share on other sites
WantToJustBe Posted October 15, 2015 Share Posted October 15, 2015 I feel for you and empathize with your situation as I have struggled for a long time with the same decision. It has been 17-18 months since I left the home to an apartment so will say that over time I am seeing more clearly. While I still have a great deal of insecurities about my path, I do feel better about it when I look at it thru the lens that folks above describe - am I better with her or without her? I think you, too, will find the best path. Good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ShouldGo Posted October 22, 2015 Author Share Posted October 22, 2015 I read how others say "visualize where you will be a year from now"... But I see myself in an empty apartment not being able to talk with my youngest (14) at the end of eveyday about how her day was. It seems fairly miserable, stressful and with major sleep disruption/anxiety. I am going to Chicago for rare business trip today, and have to decide if I want a certain apartment when I get back (yr., bit of a commit) I am leaning against, My fear is being away from kids, and then everyday when the sun starts to go down, I'll get tight about sleeping, and wake up suddenly in the middle of the night thinking " I am not suppose to be here, I should be at home". I had this with work a while back for a bit, Racing heart etc..., it is the absolute worst. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 I know it's a scary thing, but if it helps to hear it, I've seen MANY divorced parents come back and report in and say that now that the new routine is set up, they can do what THEY need to get done on their 'non-kid' days and the days they DO have the kids are better than they ever were. The separation makes everyone appreciate what they have. Link to post Share on other sites
SpokenFor Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 Hey, you are in a really tough situation and I get that you feel trapped. I can only suggest that you have two important conversations. The first conversation, which has been suggested here, is to tell your wife that you love her and want to be in a happy marriage with her, but that means the two of you need to connect, to do things together, to be in the same bedroom and make love, etc. Whatever it is you feel you really need to be happy. My guess is you feel like you've had that conversation and she has said No. It sounds like she is basically telling you her life would be better with your money but without you irritating her and being around but not under her control. I'd still give it one more good try. The second, and probably more important conversation, would be with your daughter. I imagine she sees how bad it is for you, and that the conversation won't be a surprise. You just need to tell her that the absolute best part of your day is hearing about her day and that you will always want that. Tell her you love her and want her to be happy, and that you will be a happier person and a better father for the separation. Trust your judgment -- the future will bring change no matter what. Your daughter will escape her control, you will escape her control, and she will have to decide whether being alone and in control is what she really wants. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ShouldGo Posted October 22, 2015 Author Share Posted October 22, 2015 (edited) Thanks Turnera, any in particular you recommend I read? Good advice SpokenFor. I read some where a spouse is begging the other to come back... That would be tough. Mine asked me what a check was for, and I told her $35 for a renatalapplication, she didn't ask questions/miss a beat ( she has known I've looking, but this next step did not phase her at all) Edited October 22, 2015 by ShouldGo Link to post Share on other sites
Author ShouldGo Posted October 26, 2015 Author Share Posted October 26, 2015 Signed lease 2 hours ago Link to post Share on other sites
Majormisstep Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 Scary step signing that lease Should, but it will be ok. When my stbxh asked me to leave my home (messed up, HE should have left), I was terrified. Thought I'd be alone with my cats. My older son, who at that time was 18, said he would never step foot in my new house. Thirty days after I moved out, my son with his girlfriend in tow, moved in full time and I was over the moon. Since then, I am so heavily involved with kids sports and my own hobbies that I actually look forward to the quiet nights with nothing going on except a good football game on TV. You may be surprised at how your new life unfolds. It truly is what you make it. Talk openly with your kids. They will want their dad to be happy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 Signed lease 2 hours ago When is the move out date? Is your intention just to move out but keep everything else the same? (i.e. remain legally married) Link to post Share on other sites
Author ShouldGo Posted October 28, 2015 Author Share Posted October 28, 2015 (edited) Plan to start mediation after first of yr., wife is calm, no objections. Signing lease brought relief, and slept fine that night. But last night, no sleep, woke up anxious more than once (take a little zzquill). Is that normal, is it up and down for a while? I work out a lot/ am in good shape, but feel drained/ weak. Thanks. Edited October 28, 2015 by ShouldGo Link to post Share on other sites
Majormisstep Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 Completely normal. You're going to roller coaster for a while but that subsides once you start new routines. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 Plan to start mediation after first of yr., wife is calm, no objections. Signing lease brought relief, and slept fine that night. But last night, no sleep, woke up anxious more than once (take a little zzquill). Is that normal, is it up and down for a while? I work out a lot/ am in good shape, but feel drained/ weak. Thanks. But when is the move out date? Link to post Share on other sites
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