Depressed boyfriend ended our relationship... (Updated)

[singme2sleep]

I guess I'm still in the "shock phase" because reality is still settling in. I can't believe this happened, I never thought he would walk away. Two months ago he was proclaiming to me that I was the love of his life and he wasn't ever going anywhere. My heart is shattered. He was my lover and my bestfriend. I don't know how to move on from that.

[singme2sleep]

My ex is 4 years younger than me, I'm 28 and he's 24. He always proclaimed from the start of our relationship that he had so much maturity. But I can't help but wonder if he was older would he have left me? Especially for the same reason.

 

Thoughts?!

[Blanco]

First, you don't need to keep making new threads about your relationship. That's why the mods keep consolidating your new threads into your original thread.

 

Secondly, maybe age was a factor, maybe not. Plenty of mature people end relationships.

[singme2sleep]

But is a 35 year old guy going to break up with a great woman who loves him, because life is hard?

[LostOnes05]

I've learned that it's not worth wondering why people do things. Generally speaking they probably don't even know why. Then you have people who will swear one thing about themselves and what they want, then do the complete opposite. No point wasting your time trying to figure out why.

[ScienceGal]

My ex is 10 years older than me (he's 43) and he left. He has very little relationship experience. I believe it's more about that than age.

[mightycpa]

One of the real puzzles of this world is that you can make predictions based on group behavior, but you cannot explain predictable individual behaviors based on the actions of the group. The group predictions are much more reliable than individual predictions.

 

That's why we can say that young people will probably leave their SO, but we can't say that he left you because he was young. We can predict that there was no way that Science Gal's SO would leave a woman 10 years his junior.. and yet, he did. There are so many other factors involved, there is no telling why your ex left. Being young, even he probably doesn't know for certain, or at least, not completely.

 

You really need to focus on your own part in it. Maybe you were perfect, but probably not. Maybe you are as good a partner as you can be, but probably not. All you can do is reflect on your own actions, and think of ways that you might have been better. But remember that even if you had been perfect, it doesn't mean he would have stayed.

 

There's no way to know, so why worry too much about it.

[metaversus]

Thank you so much for sharing this. It made me cry.

 

I am so curious as to what you did. Many times a person can only see the action as how you have harmed them and not understand or have compassion for the meaning why.

 

I did something, but it had nothing to do with infidelity or etc. It was never anything like that. I was completely and utterly faithful, loyal to her. I never once even flirted with anyone else or looked at another female because I don't do those things. I'm a genuine good man and I've always have been. It amazes me though, the one thing I did wrong, apparently I don't get forgiven. Yet, I always forgave her. Many people would say she's crazy for leaving me and that they'd understand the reason as to why I did what I did. Those people would also recognize that one thing doesn't detract from everything else and the depth of my goodness.

[metaversus]

The word never is the what is most difficult to come to terms with. I will never be with him again. I will never share memories with him again. We will never be in each others lives ever again. It's much like a death, but difficult in a different way, because you are aware that person is out there living their life while you are missing them.

 

If I kill all hope of him ever coming back, it's prob the smarter route to take but at the same time it's depressing beyond words.

[singme2sleep]

Since misery loves company...who else is suffering as much as I am??

[K2z]

Describe your bad day a bit more.

[Samuel_22]

Since misery loves company...who else is suffering as much as I am??

We have all suffered, and we have all paid our shares, I know how you feel right now, and when I think of my initial days and weeks of BU... well, pain, pain and even more pain. No one knows me here, well you wouldn't recognize me, if you one day you saw me walking on the street, so I am not ashamed of saying this, I used to weep, hit myself, insult myself, hate myself...I never forget what I went through... I never forget that...Do men weep? they do.

Now that I am typing this, it is reminiscent of what I went through, it even gives more power to move on. To know she did not deserve me, she did not deserve even a single tear from my eyes.

Remember passage of time brings with itself a miracle.

Stay strong girl...stay strong... The sun will shine again before you even know it...

[singme2sleep]

Describe your bad day a bit more.

 

I'm fighting the urge to call him and blurt out how much I love him and want him back. I'm fighting the urge to drive to his house and cry at his feet. I won't do these things because I know it's not gonna help but that's my current inner battle.

 

I spoke to him yesterday in texts, and when he stopped replying I felt deeper sadness than I already felt.

 

I've been through breakups before, in fact my last boyfriend before him cheated on me and that was tough to get over. But this time it's way different, he was the love of my life. I don't completely understand why he left and a part of me never will. I'm drowning on dry land.

[Samuel_22]

I'm fighting the urge to call him and blurt out how much I love him and want him back. I'm fighting the urge to drive to his house and cry at his feet. I won't do these things because I know it's not gonna help but that's my current inner battle.

 

I spoke to him yesterday in texts, and when he stopped replying I felt deeper sadness than I already felt.

 

I've been through breakups before, in fact my last boyfriend before him cheated on me and that was tough to get over. But this time it's way different, he was the love of my life. I don't completely understand why he left and a part of me never will. I'm drowning on dry land.

I am really really sorry for what you are going through... It is so so hard, you remind me of me, you seem to be emotional and sensitive like me... Going to his house and begging him to come back, or telling him how much you love him, won't help at all...

The thing is that he already knows how much you love him, believe me he does, so there is not a single thing you can do to change his mind. Don't make these deadly mistakes, because once you recover, that will leave you with a bad taste in your mouth, you have to walk away with pride.

Start NC... you have not even started NC... That will only prolong your healing process... Don't do that with yourself please...

[Xidion]

I'm fighting the urge to call him and blurt out how much I love him and want him back. I'm fighting the urge to drive to his house and cry at his feet. I won't do these things because I know it's not gonna help but that's my current inner battle.

 

I spoke to him yesterday in texts, and when he stopped replying I felt deeper sadness than I already felt.

 

I've been through breakups before, in fact my last boyfriend before him cheated on me and that was tough to get over. But this time it's way different, he was the love of my life. I don't completely understand why he left and a part of me never will. I'm drowning on dry land.

 

 

Don't torture yourself by saying things like "He was the love of my life". I've had a couple of those.. they turned out to be toxic people. I'm hurting right now as well. But what we all need is someone who wants US. Someone who will stand beside us through thick and thin... not abandon us. It's normal to put them on a pedestal after they end things... Try not to, though. You will be okay.. just how like you were eventually okay with your last ex. These people have given us the chance to find the one who will NEVER hurt us.

[Blanco]

I'm fighting the urge to call him and blurt out how much I love him and want him back. I'm fighting the urge to drive to his house and cry at his feet. I won't do these things because I know it's not gonna help but that's my current inner battle.

 

I spoke to him yesterday in texts, and when he stopped replying I felt deeper sadness than I already felt.

 

I've been through breakups before, in fact my last boyfriend before him cheated on me and that was tough to get over. But this time it's way different, he was the love of my life. I don't completely understand why he left and a part of me never will. I'm drowning on dry land.

 

You were only with him for five months. There's no way to actually know that someone is the "love of your life" in that short amount of time. Five months in, most people are still in the honeymoon phase and haven't shown all of themselves to their partner. I read some of your old posts and it seems like you have a habit of falling HARD and fast for the guys you are with. Naturally that makes a breakup way harder to handle.

 

And you're torturing yourself by staying in touch with him. You know this.

[singme2sleep]

I went out tonight with a friend, we had some drinks and I'm feeling more stable now. Tomorrow is another day I guess. The world won't stop spinning because of my pain so I'll just keep trying. Thanks everyone for the input.

[singme2sleep]

So today I guess I got the cold dose slap of reality that I needed from my ex. I texted him and this is what transpired...

 

Me: I want to send you back your fireman award

Him: throw it out

Me: no it's important to you

Him: I don't care, I wanna be left alone

Me: I know you feel like you have nobody you an rely, but I'm not going to give up on you. You deserve to be happy.

Him: you don't get it, it's over. Leave me alone. Move on, I'll be blocking your number.

 

All hope has been killed. I'm gutted.

 

That's all folks.

[William]

Due to a report on multiple threads on a similar topic, moderation merged three threads and invite members to continue the discussion here. There may be some duplication of content and this post will bump the thread up for further input. Thanks!

[singme2sleep]

I truly hope that was the depression talking. He was so cruel and that man I fell in love with never would have talked to me that way.

[lana-banana]

You were together for five months. I'm not trying to dismiss your feelings, but five months is not enough time to really know anyone, so you shouldn't overanalyze his actions or state of mind. I agree with the poster who suggested he was just unhappy with the relationship and used depression as an excuse.

 

Take heart. Someone who truly loves you won't let you go, no matter how much they're hurting. Focus on healing your own wounds for now.

[Blanco]

I don't think he was being cruel. He was being blunt so he could leave nothing open for interpretation. It sounds like maybe he tried to spare your feelings in the beginning by using his depression as an excuse to leave. Now that you've continued to press the issue, it sounds as though he's had to remove the gloves and tell you straight up to stop contacting him.

[BC1980]

I truly hope that was the depression talking. He was so cruel and that man I fell in love with never would have talked to me that way.

 

To be fair, you pushed the issue when he said to throw the item out. If he had wanted it in the first place, he would have contacted you. You used the excuse of mailing an item back as a feeler to see what his response would be. I know it hurts, and it's difficult to understand. But NC is there for a reason. To shield you from having to go through this pain again. There's no reason to set yourself up for this kind of pain. I'm not saying his response was the nicest way to handle things, but is there a nice way to ask someone to leave you alone? The reality is that when you break up, both parties need to cut ties. Don't make someone have to spell that out for you because it's terribly hurtful.

[Blanco]

I've been reading a lot of your old posts, so I have some observations:

 

- You really need to let go of this idea of "The One." First, it's not true, and secondly, this romanticizes the person into being a holy grail. You were posting a lot during a breakup two years ago, and you mentioned at least a few times that you thought that guy was also "The One." You see a pattern emerging?

 

- Judging by your posts from earlier this year, it sounds like you had very little time between this relationship and the one before it. Why did that relationship end? What was your role in it? Did you correct those issues? I'm going to guess probably not, because with such a limited window of time between relationships, how could you? Which leads me to my next point.

 

- You are repeating the same mistakes in each relationship. The only difference is that you're swapping out the guy; the behavior remains the same. It takes two to tango, and I don't think you see your role in these breakups. Maybe it's because your role doesn't seem to be mean behavior or breaking trust. Your issue is that you sound overbearing in your relationship.

 

You posted in February about a guy you had been seeing for a few months needing space because you had been clingy in the beginning. It sounds like that relationship was basically over, but you didn't fix this behavior, because less than two months later, you created a new thread about the new boyfriend (now your most recent ex) about: How he felt smothered by your constant texting!

 

Overall: You sound like a very sweet girl, who very much wants to be someone's rock; their biggest fan; their partner through all that life has to offer. But you want these things so badly that you transfer all of these things to whoever you're dating, and you do it quickly. Instead of taking things slowly and getting to REALLY know the person you're dating, you're allowing infatuation and these desires described above to take over and basically tell you that this guy is THE ONE.

 

Of course a breakup is going to be crushing if you convince yourself that this is the guy you are destined to marry, even though logic says you cannot possibly know this guy well enough to make such decisions in such a short period of time. From what I gather, you two shared a nice four-month honeymoon phase, where naturally, everything was awesome. Then he started to pull back during that final month until he finally ended it.

 

It's good that you want to give your all to someone, but I think your biggest detraction is that you are not discriminating enough about doing so. The truth is, if you don't start examining and correcting some of this behavior, you'll just continue to repeat the same mistakes and yield similar results.

 

I know you mean well when it comes to acting this way, but the reality is, most people find it to be too much, even if they're really into you. If their interest is only mild, then being the recipient of such attention can be downright suffocating, which is what I think is happening in your relationships.

 

You need to take a step back and ask yourself why you base so much of your self-worth on being in a relationship. I think if you can get to the root of that problem and then work to fix that, you'll find yourself to be in a much better place emotionally. Then, and only then, will a romantic relationship be an enhancement to your happy life rather the reason you're happy.

[Cora]

I've been reading a lot of your old posts, so I have some observations:

 

- You really need to let go of this idea of "The One." First, it's not true, and secondly, this romanticizes the person into being a holy grail. You were posting a lot during a breakup two years ago, and you mentioned at least a few times that you thought that guy was also "The One." You see a pattern emerging?

 

- Judging by your posts from earlier this year, it sounds like you had very little time between this relationship and the one before it. Why did that relationship end? What was your role in it? Did you correct those issues? I'm going to guess probably not, because with such a limited window of time between relationships, how could you? Which leads me to my next point.

 

- You are repeating the same mistakes in each relationship. The only difference is that you're swapping out the guy; the behavior remains the same. It takes two to tango, and I don't think you see your role in these breakups. Maybe it's because your role doesn't seem to be mean behavior or breaking trust. Your issue is that you sound overbearing in your relationship.

 

You posted in February about a guy you had been seeing for a few months needing space because you had been clingy in the beginning. It sounds like that relationship was basically over, but you didn't fix this behavior, because less than two months later, you created a new thread about the new boyfriend (now your most recent ex) about: How he felt smothered by your constant texting!

 

Overall: You sound like a very sweet girl, who very much wants to be someone's rock; their biggest fan; their partner through all that life has to offer. But you want these things so badly that you transfer all of these things to whoever you're dating, and you do it quickly. Instead of taking things slowly and getting to REALLY know the person you're dating, you're allowing infatuation and these desires described above to take over and basically tell you that this guy is THE ONE.

 

Of course a breakup is going to be crushing if you convince yourself that this is the guy you are destined to marry, even though logic says you cannot possibly know this guy well enough to make such decisions in such a short period of time. From what I gather, you two shared a nice four-month honeymoon phase, where naturally, everything was awesome. Then he started to pull back during that final month until he finally ended it.

 

It's good that you want to give your all to someone, but I think your biggest detraction is that you are not discriminating enough about doing so. The truth is, if you don't start examining and correcting some of this behavior, you'll just continue to repeat the same mistakes and yield similar results.

 

I know you mean well when it comes to acting this way, but the reality is, most people find it to be too much, even if they're really into you. If their interest is only mild, then being the recipient of such attention can be downright suffocating, which is what I think is happening in your relationships.

 

You need to take a step back and ask yourself why you base so much of your self-worth on being in a relationship. I think if you can get to the root of that problem and then work to fix that, you'll find yourself to be in a much better place emotionally. Then, and only then, will a romantic relationship be an enhancement to your happy life rather the reason you're happy.

 

Wow, that is good stuff! Advice in which I could definitely use in my life as well.