Is he a commitment phobe/are these signs of commitment phobia?

[start8957]

I stopped reading when you said he does not get vulnerable. Relationships are about opening up, letting your guard down, and showing your vulnerability, in my opinion. If he can never do those things, he is not emotionally mature.

My ex never let his guard down. He never talked about things that bothered him in a relationship, never opened up to me. I was also his first long term relationship and he treated me amazingly in the beginning. Then he started to push me away when it became too much "work" and effort (which relationships require?) I understand men can have that problem, but an emotionally mature man will be able to sit down and be honest. Might be commitment phobia, might be immaturity, or he's just simply not ready to commit.

[Sunshine2016]

Good, that book will answer most of your questions with regard to attachment, also about yourself.

 

A. Yes, because it mostly works on a subconscience level. People get avoidant because they most of the time could not trust there caregivers to be there for them when they were very young. So they learned to not lean on others for comfort. But we as humans all crave a bond, even when we are avoidant attached. Its a paradox: they want it, but they do not feel comfortable having it. It also must be said that it is a spectrum, so many people can have it a bit or in certain situations. If you search on Google Books for what I linked to earlier you also will find about that particular point. It took me many months to find an answer to that question!

 

B. It was out of your control. You can try if he is open for reading about this and working on it in therapy. But most probable is that he will be annoyed with it. As avoidant people usually have a positive few of themselves they most of the time blame the other, it also is the easy way for them. Some people do take the hard road though. Severe dismissive-avoidance is almost not treatable though. But the writer of that book, did the work herself, but she already was a psychologist, so I think more open to it.

 

C. Perhaps if their avoidant traits are mild and their partners are willing to put up with it.

 

Thank you very much. Your posts (as well as comments from other posters) have helped me in so many ways. I'm still doing more research on this subject. It really beats sitting and obsessing about him. It's also helping me gain some closure.

 

I don't think he's interested in changing, he said something to that effect. He knows he has a problem ( self admitted ) but he's not motivated to change. I told him one time that I couldn't change him and he'd have to make the decision to do so himself and he nodded in agreement but never took the steps to do so.

[Sunshine2016]

I stopped reading when you said he does not get vulnerable. Relationships are about opening up, letting your guard down, and showing your vulnerability, in my opinion. If he can never do those things, he is not emotionally mature.

My ex never let his guard down. He never talked about things that bothered him in a relationship, never opened up to me. I was also his first long term relationship and he treated me amazingly in the beginning. Then he started to push me away when it became too much "work" and effort (which relationships require?) I understand men can have that problem, but an emotionally mature man will be able to sit down and be honest. Might be commitment phobia, might be immaturity, or he's just simply not ready to commit.

 

Hi Start, thanks for reading and commenting, much appreciated. I agree, vulnerability is an integral part of a relationship. Our stories sound very similar. He admitted himself (whilst drink) that he has failed to develop in terms of emotional growth and capacity but expressed no real desire to deal with it. Sad truth is he's comfortable the way he is and prefers his independent and autonomy to intimacy.