He called me "sister"

[Horton]

I guess I'm just not seeing how the continual "yep, you got what you deserved, cheater," lines are helping the OP (who came here hurting) at this point. Seems to me like an axe to grind instead of an attempt to help.

 

Or are imperfect people not allowed compassion?

 

I don't know if that's directed at me or not, but I don't think my post could be reduced to 'you got what you deserved.' I just think the OP should ask herself what she's actually upset about, if it's just the 'sister' comment then I think she's misinterpreting what he said as some kind of slight against her and there's no point in fighting with her kids father and risking dragging their child into a messy divorce over something relatively trivial IMO.

[oldshirt]

I guess I'm just not seeing how the continual "yep, you got what you deserved, cheater," lines are helping the OP (who came here hurting) at this point. Seems to me like an axe to grind instead of an attempt to help.

 

Or are imperfect people not allowed compassion?

 

I looked back through all the responses and no-one said that she had it coming or tried to disregard her pain.

 

The responses have been that "sister" is just a figure of speech that likely had no larger meaning behind it and people also reaffirmed that he has moved on and it is to be expected that there will be interactions with his new GF.

 

No-one said that her distress was imaginary or that she got her just comeuppance.

[autumnnight]

I imagine that deep down you know that you have no right to be angry at him for divorcing you since you were the one who committed adultery.

 

This kind of post is what I meant.

 

It's like those compliments: You look really good when you fix yourself up. It sort of sounds like a compliment, but it's also an insult.

 

I'll fully admit though, I may very well be projecting some, as I was privy to quite a few of those kinds of comments regarding other circumstances in other places on the web, so sometimes I get sensitive.

[Horton]

This kind of post is what I meant.

 

It's like those compliments: You look really good when you fix yourself up. It sort of sounds like a compliment, but it's also an insult.

 

I'll fully admit though, I may very well be projecting some, as I was privy to quite a few of those kinds of comments regarding other circumstances in other places on the web, so sometimes I get sensitive.

 

That was a part of my post and I stand by what I said. If she's actually angry about him divorcing her and not the 'sister' comment and she's lashing out at him for divorcing her then that's not coming from a place of reason. If you commit adultery there's a good chance your spouse is gonna divorce you at some point, it's the natural course of things. It's also not a good idea to lash out at him either as it can make their upcoming divorce a lot more messy for everybody, especially their child.

[sandylee1]

It's a matter of time till your son meets his GF. Depending on when the divorce is through, it might be a good idea to wait until then, but unless infidelity was cited as the reason for divorce, then you have to be seperated for 2 years to fully divorce in the UK. Your H may not be prepared to wait that long to introduce her to your son.

 

My personal view is that unless it's a serious relationship, there's no need to introduce her to your son yet. It seems it wasn't his intention to introduce her to your son as such, just that it coincided that way.

 

I think he was trying to calm you down and it can be annoying when you're upset and your told to calm down. One of my brothers says 'calm down girl' and pats my head, which can be infuriating, but if I react to that, I end up looking crazy. So I ignore it.

 

I think the use of the word sister has upset you, because that's a non sexual relationship and perhaps you see it as final.

 

I suspect if he said 'calm down (your name) ', you'd have still been mad, because it involved his new GF, but 'sister' puts you in a different box unfortunately.

 

Is that something you've heard from him before?

Is that his way of speaking?

I find 'sister' and 'brother' tend to be used more so by certain races/ethnicities.

[oldshirt]

This kind of post is what I meant.

 

It's like those compliments: You look really good when you fix yourself up. It sort of sounds like a compliment, but it's also an insult.

 

I'll fully admit though, I may very well be projecting some, as I was privy to quite a few of those kinds of comments regarding other circumstances in other places on the web, so sometimes I get sensitive.

 

When taken as the whole, I don't really think Horton' s post(s) are about her getting what she deserves.

 

I do disagree that she doesn't have a right to be angry or a right to be sad or hurt or feel betrayed. I think we are all entitled to feel how we feel.

 

I also do not believe that because someone cheats that that then gives anyone license to mistreat or abuse them.

 

But there are natural consequences to actions. When someone commits adultry, there are no guarentees and no statute of limitations. Mr RT stated being unable to get over her affair and unable to continue the marriage as his reason for divorcing. That may or may not be true and it may or may not be just.

 

But I haven't seen anything that indicated he was beating her over the head with it or mistreating her or abusing her in anyway. He was simply throwing in the towel.

 

I am sure she is hurt and angry and disgusted by the whole thing. She is entitled to her feelings. .

 

 

And as such there are going to be many things that will trigger those feelings over time. But I agree that her anger over the word "sister" is probably the result of anger and hurt over other things.

 

Next week her trigger word may be "vacuum" or "parking lot" or "banana split."

 

But it's all going to lead back that she is mad and upset that he's leaving her and splitting up her home and family.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Only if adultery is subjective.

 

Which it apparently is

 

I just meant the focus on his use of the word sister. It was meaningless, and to lend it any gravitas is a distraction from what it really going on.

[SummerDreams]

She was mad at the word "sister" because it confirms once more that her xH will never come back to her again and that makes her angry because she really thought she would be able to trap him into coming back sooner or later. How do I know? From the way she used to talk in her previous threads. She feels entitled to him and she has not totally believed and accepted that her xH will actually continue his life without her. I do feel sorry for her but it becomes difficult when I see how she doesn't realize her part of the responsibility and she used to think that she didn't deserve how he treats her.

[Popsicle]

Soon he'll learn not to tell you his business.

[oldshirt]

She was mad at the word "sister" because it confirms once more that her xH will never come back to her again and that makes her angry because she really thought she would be able to trap him into coming back sooner or later. How do I know? From the way she used to talk in her previous threads. She feels entitled to him and she has not totally believed and accepted that her xH will actually continue his life without her. I do feel sorry for her but it becomes difficult when I see how she doesn't realize her part of the responsibility and she used to think that she didn't deserve how he treats her.

 

I think the word "trap" is a little harsh.

 

This divorce did come out of the blue for her, so I think it is normal and natural for people to have a certain degree of disbelief and some fantasy that their spouse will turn around and not actually divorce them.

 

Yes she may have some denial and disbelief and she may be holding out hope he'll show up one day and say he made a mistake, but that is probably more common than not for people that think everything is ok one day and handed divorce papers the next.

 

The sister comment was just a trigger for her that set her off. They'll be many triggers in the upcoming weeks and months.

 

Then one day she'll see the light and realize he moved on and that it is time for her to do so also.

[SummerDreams]

I think the word "trap" is a little harsh.

 

This divorce did come out of the blue for her, so I think it is normal and natural for people to have a certain degree of disbelief and some fantasy that their spouse will turn around and not actually divorce them.

 

Yes she may have some denial and disbelief and she may be holding out hope he'll show up one day and say he made a mistake, but that is probably more common than not for people that think everything is ok one day and handed divorce papers the next.

 

The sister comment was just a trigger for her that set her off. They'll be many triggers in the upcoming weeks and months.

 

Then one day she'll see the light and realize he moved on and that it is time for her to do so also.

 

I agree with what you say about her being in shock but the way she handled it when she first found out ("did I deserve to be treated like this?" and her total behavior wanting to control him) makes me get the feeling she is not the devastated kind of woman who aknowledges her part of responsibility and tries to win back her husband, rather than the controlling kind of person who someone stole her priviledges and she can't accept it.

 

If she truly loved her husband she would want to see him happy even if he is not with her anymore. But ..... well, lets say she just doesn't.

[bubbaganoosh]

When my marriage ended with my wife which was a blessing, there was so much nastiness in the divorce that it took a while before I started dating again.

 

I waited until I had a clear head because I didn't want to bring my baggage with me when going out but a couple years later I met someone and it became serious.

 

I made sure that my weekends with my daughter were just that. Me and her and the other weekend was mine. The day came when my kid asked if I had a girlfriend since her mother was already dating and I said that I did and my daughter started playing 20 questions with me about her and I finally asked her if she would like to me my girlfriend and my kid said yeah, so the following weekend the three of us went out to dinner and they met. I never tried to force one on the other and it was a slow process although my ex wife wasn't happy that I was dating but for some reason she was allowed so when she started prying I told her flat out that we aren't married any longer and it wasn't open for discussion and left it that way.

[understand50]

We are gettung divorced. The process is still ongoing...

 

The next weekend H would spend at his parents. And our son spends the weekend with him. So its understood that my son will be spending the weekend at his grandparents. Good for him.

 

But then my H tells me that he will be bringing his new gf to meet his parents this weekend. That means my son will also be meeting his new gf. We started having a huge argument about why I did not feel was right to introduce our son to his gf.

 

And in the middle of the argument the m@therf%cker tells me "Calm down sister. Its not like I will be telling our son 'meet your new stepmother' "

 

I immediately call him on that and ask that I was his sister now? So our son must be his nephew? So was he asking for permission from his sister to let his nephew meet his new gf?

 

He said thats not what he meant. It just an expression that came out of his mouth. And in the end it was decided our son would stay the weekend with me.

 

Remorseful,

 

Saddly as your divorce goes on, there will be things that set you off. This is normal. You losing a part of your life you do not want to. I do not think your ex ment anything bad, but I see why it hurt.

 

You are going to have to be tough. Things like this, you are going to have to let them roll off your back. There is no helping it. In the end this will be better for both you and your son.

 

As always, wishing you and yours the best. Keep your head up, and things will get better.

[World's.Edge]

Three pages, one post from the original poster:).

[Got it]

Three pages' date=' one post from the original poster:).[/quote']

 

And lots of speculation, assumptions, condemnation, and instructions by other posters. We are a very vibrant and imaginative group!

[remorseful_tab]

I have been thinking about about it, I mean my son spending time at his grandparents. Even if that means he meet the new gf but the thing that is bothering me is my H's grandfather (my son's great grandfather) is very ill and possibly on his deathbed. This my be the last chance my son gets to see his great grandpa alive because he may pass away anyday

 

I too would have visited my inlaws if not for the new gf. The old man absolutely loved me and always said how proud he was to get me as his grand daughter-in-law. I love him too. He is so humorous and courteous. A pure old English relic of a time gone by.

 

Feeling sad that I disappointed him so much though he doesn't know I have been unfaithful to his grandson. Feeling sad that I wasn't there for him on his deathbed.

[SummerDreams]

Will you comment on the posts we made OP?

[autumnnight]

Will you comment on the posts we made OP?

 

If I was her, I wouldn't. I think the selfish, entitled schtick has been beaten to death already.

[DKT3]

If I was her, I wouldn't. I think the selfish, entitled schtick has been beaten to death already.

 

As is the investigating of her STBX's fidelity. Its really something that is pointless at this point, its like putting on the condom after sex the damage is done.

[poofitsgone]

I have been thinking about about it, I mean my son spending time at his grandparents. Even if that means he meet the new gf but the thing that is bothering me is my H's grandfather (my son's great grandfather) is very ill and possibly on his deathbed. This my be the last chance my son gets to see his great grandpa alive because he may pass away anyday

 

I too would have visited my inlaws if not for the new gf. The old man absolutely loved me and always said how proud he was to get me as his grand daughter-in-law. I love him too. He is so humorous and courteous. A pure old English relic of a time gone by.

 

Feeling sad that I disappointed him so much though he doesn't know I have been unfaithful to his grandson. Feeling sad that I wasn't there for him on his deathbed.

 

 

I can understand why its hard I would let your son go if there is still time. Or let his father take him(or you could take him)to see his great grandfather, even if its not stbxHs time to have our son. Hes going to meet the girlfriend sooner or later. In my mind, this is a good opportunity to put your childs happiness (getting to see his grandpa one last time) over the difficulties you and your husband are going through.

 

About disappointing Grandpa... I an only guess. I hope if he had the time to process it, he would be understanding. If he knew from the beginning about the affair, he would be disappointed, but if he saw you were putting in effort to make up for it...I would hope he would be forgiving...even if in the end it couldn't save the marriage.

 

I don't think anything is wrong with feeling sad about what we did in the past. But...Its important to use those feelings as fuels for what we can do in the future and not wallow in them.

[sonali22chauhan]

Dear, This is really very sad new but I must say. If you think about this matter & take it serious than it means lots to you & If you don't think anything about it than there is nothing to talk about this matter but I can understand how would you feeling after facing this bad moment.