From Unwitting OW to Open Relationship to Disaster

[eye of the storm]

Yodel, you are doing fine. I back tracked so many times...lol its really embarrassing how many times I slid. (this was with my now ExH but the feelings are the same) Like picking a scab. I just wouldn't let it heal. My friends would put their hand over the wound to stop the picking, and I would wait till they left...then pick pick pick.

 

Then I would beat myself up for doing it.

 

Forgiving myself was the first step. It was also the hardest step. Second hardest was letting go, of the shame, the embarrassment, the "I can't believe I was so stupid". Letting go is important because it doesn't matter how many balloons you tie to your waist, if you have your arms wrapped around a bolder you will not fly.

 

Not going to beat you up for slipping. Pot meet kettle and all that. But I am going to tell you to get back on track.

 

Healing from anything takes time. You are doing just fine.

[Dylon]

Yodel, I read your story and I'm sadden by it. I'm at the other end of the spectrum and the NC girl was on your end. I want to offer a different perspective than what I've seen all over the web. First, a brief.

 

I was in a relationship with this girl and I'm the MM. She was the pursuer though and a quick friendship turns into something deeper and deeper emotionally. No sex. She said, what do I have to lose and I said, life is short and I could use the emotional support and friendship. So it went on and on and the emotion got really deep. After a year, just lots of pain and hurt for everyone. We spent almost a year trying to end. It's been a month now that I avoided her and it hurts like hell. I'm depressed and a wreck. I know she is too. She always asked me when we get back together why don't you contact me after we end? We tried to end over a dozen times. I told her that contact or not, it's tear and hurt. One prolong the agony and the other is a hard rush of hurt. It's an addiction. We crave most what we don't have. That craving doesn't stop until we have it. It's human nature to survice this way. Her heart wants me to break NC and I want her too, but deep inside our head, we find against it. We know what is the right thing to do. Follow the heart is how mother nature ensure our specie survival by reproducing. There's no care and love in mother nature.....affair or not, it leads to a man and a woman getting together. Therefore, passion is strong and we pursue it until we get it, even if it kills us. Look at salmon and many animals and see how they give up their lives just to mate. I remind myself that. It's been a month, the longest period of separation. I fear that if she writes or call, I will answer and respond. In fact, I know I will. It's hard. But I hope she can hold herself back as I have held myself back. Sure, my heart wants her to contact me, but my mind is really scare and hope that she won't. It's an internal battle. You are going through the same thing. Just remember: he's not what you think he is. He doesn't have that power over you like you think. It's mother nature's way of playing with you....wanting you to pursue something that was not met with satisfaction.

 

I hear often how the OW put down the man, curse, call him all sort of things. I don't think this is healthy. Remember that from the other end, the man is troubled. He wouldn't have been with you if he wasn't. He deals with a different kind of hurt and problem and yes, he can fall in love even though he's tied up. To degrade him might come back to hurt you. The girl told me she's stupid for staying for this long. I told her don't say that. I'm stupid. We both are? We both know it's wrong but we followed our hearts. So if we come to a point of degrading each other, then it's time to look beyond the past and move forward. You should too. Don't dwell on hatred of him or yourself. Don't dwell on these betrayal emotion, call him names or put yourself down in anyway. You make a wrong turn and make more and more wrong turns. That's how these things end up a mess. It's a snowball of wrong doings over time. It didn't happen overnight. To look back and assume it was a big overnight mistake is to simply it too much. Over time, there were 1,000's of mistakes and each one was like nothing when it happened, a simple text or call. Lots of small steps for both sides. On reflection, it's one giant hurt for everyone. So choose to focus on positive things, about him and about yourself and let the hatred go. Remind yourself how you feel isn't all real. I cry too and as does she, but when I do, I just let myself. I hold myself together by focusing on reasoning. Our hearts will always win over our mind and reasoing in matters of love because it's how mother nature wants it.

 

Good luck to you. Good luck to all of us in this situation on both sides. Ignore his emails. If I loose it and contact her, I want her to ignore me. She knows I want to write and I knowthat she wants to as well. Be at peace with that knowledge. He knows how you feel and what you have been through. Nothing else needed to be said. There were something together once: good, great, fantastic, bad, or everything. It's was a path in your life to something better. An experience. That will always be part of you. Be peace with it or it will eat you forever. Forgive and be at peace with what happened. Forgive him and forgive yourself.

[NewLeaf512]

Yodel... Metaphorically.. Do not be eaten away by this man. You are lovely. Yodel will go on with hours then days then months and years. You have love you are loved and step to step x

[yodelwithyu]

The actual procedure wasn't too bad. But about 70% of my follicles were empty and they could only extract 4 eggs. I will find out how many are viable later tonight or tomorrow. Needless to say, I am beyond devastated.

 

I received an email from him shortly before leaving for the hospital (he didn't know, obviously). Timing is stupid.

 

I don't feel quite ok to write responses or anything right now, but I will as soon as I can, especially for you Dylon.

 

I am just so tired.

Edited October 31, 2015 by yodelwithyu

[eye of the storm]

Sending you positive thoughts.

 

Every day is a new day. Full of new opportunities and new chances.

 

Hugs

[NewLeaf512]

Sending love to you dear yodel

[yodelwithyu]

Hey Dylon,

 

Sorry it took me so long to respond to your message. Thank you so much for charing your story. Though it didn’t work out and you are suffering, I think it is good for all OWs to see that some MMs are actually human.

 

For my situation, I don’t think that I am still trying to end it, as I already know its over, and don’t hope, want or think that it might not be. I know for a fact it is over. That doesn’t make the feelings subside any faster though, does it? My latest problem had been breaking no contact. I was doing fine, and then he kept writing. That is just cruel, in my opinion. I could see that he was writing to give himself absolution, and I wanted to tell him there is none. And of course I would be lying if I didn’t say I did want to hear his voice.

 

I agree that on you reach a level of degrading on another (I degraded him, he didn’t and did not have the right to do it to me). For me, maybe it is harder not to call him names and be accusatory because he tricked me into this relationship, pretending he was single. Then he claims he “fell in love,” and then came the rest of this disaster. It takes a special kind of man to trick a woman into thinking that he is everything she is looking for when he is married. So a lot of the fall out has been towards myself. Am I really that naive? That blind? And that easy to manipulate when I did find out that he would do right by me by opening up his marriage and continue being the boyfriend he was before she and I found out? Do I really value myself THAT little? So obviously, when a person comes along that can show you how stupid and worthless you can be to yourself, it is natural to project some of that anger on to them. Anyway, I knew a week into the whole open marriage thing that it was not going to work as the expletives and arguments had already started, but I kept going back for more. For this, I hate myself and not him. Him, I hate for chasing me as hard as he did until I was deeply in love, only to hit me over the head with the whole married thing, which subsequently led to my bad decisions.

 

In your circumstance, if you feel so deeply for your OW, then don’t you think maybe you should not stay in your marriage? Not to go be with OW or anything, but clearly your marriage is not right for you either. I can understand some of the “affair fog” that everyone talks about, but I don’t believe that is all that is ever it. Even if you don’t end up with an OW, the WSs that actually feel so much for someone other than the W should consider maybe history, children or finances is not a good enough reason to stay just comfortable. Everyone has a right to be really happy, not just settle. Whether that means being on your own or with someone else. That is my opinion, anyway. Thank you again for your response, and I really wish you all the luck to get over all of this and be who are really on the inside, with or without any woman by your side.

 

Xoxo

Yodel

[yodelwithyu]

Eye and Newleaf, always much appreciative of your hugs and well wishes. They mean more than you know.

[yodelwithyu]

So, my egg freezing thing as me reeling, and not really ready to talk about it much yet. Hopefully soon, because it helps to get this stuff out.

 

ExMM, however…Jeez. So as I mentioned, he wrote like 1 hour before I was leaving for the hospital for my procedure. Timing could not have been worse. Anyway, I assumed that he would mention a time that he was free so we could have that ending conversation. He didn’t. I will post letter below. I woke up 4 minutes after the email delivered, so I knew he was on his own at the library or something, and out of instinct, I called his phone immediately because I wanted to tell him that he has to stop and just to make a freaking date to have the conversation. He didn’t pick up, which I thought was strange. Then I just felt stupid. Anyway, I emailed him saying something along the lines of “I know I said I wasn’t gong to email, but you didn’t set a date, and I don’t want to keep prolonging this. And now I have something to say” right before I went into pre-op.

 

After the procedure and after many hours of rest, I read the email again, and realized it sounded like his version of goodbye. I was mortified that I had’t read any of that clearly and felt so so stupid for engaging him. I had been the one who had been ignoring him, and he had been the one to be writing. Now it was going to look like I was the one who was trying so hard to get to him. So, still in my pain-killer mindset, I sent him another short message that that “disregard my last email, I didn’t read your properly until now.” UGH. I felt like such a moron. Then, 5 minutes later, I remembered that I was writing to the email address he created to which I had figured out the password. I promptly logged in a deleted both the emails and emptied the trash before they were read. I still feel foolish that he probably had a missed call from me from that day, but I am glad he has no more of my words.

 

I forgive myself for breaking NC because it did quiet the storm that was building. I’m a little annoyed I made that last unanswered call though.

 

And to be honest, do I feel like "well, sh*t, who is he to say goodbye to me?" Hell YEAH I do. I'm supposed to be the one winning (NC). But also at the same time, I feel thankful. Goodbye. I don’t feel panicked anymore about the last time we will or won’t talk. And if that email is the last I hear from him, at least it will go (or so he thinks) unanswered. It is a tricky road all of this.

 

The feelings I suffer mostly from now are disillusionment, and more than anything, not being able to trust myself or my judgement. I was so blind, though I generally pride myself on being intelligent and observant and a pretty good judge of character. I have never failed so hardcore judging anyone, ever. Yeah, I will have a hard time trusting other people, but there is a remedy for that…avoid EVERYONE. Lol. How to start trusting myself is another monster altogether.

 

Thoughts would be appreciated on his email:

 

"The last days have been tougher than usual. Talking to you felt so good and just reminded me of how much I miss that part of my life that I became so accustomed to. I think of so many things throughout the days and nights that I want to say to you, and when I sit in front of this screen I draw a blank. I need you to take care of yourself. Everyone around you loves you so much and they're worried about you. Worst part about it is that you can't even tell them, so you end up dealing with all this pain and suffering alone, and that just isn't right. I know that sorry will never cover anything, but I need you to know that I really do feel bad about everything I've done. I was so selfish with you and that led me to to a lot of deceitful things. You were on the way to being such a bright and beautiful and happy flower and I crushed that. You need to be that person that you were on the way to being. Don't let someone like me have so much of an impact.

You're stronger than that. It seems so cliche, but if there's anything you ever need, you shouldn't hesitate to ask. I know you'll probably never want to ask anything of me, but a very wise person once told me that once you love someone, they'll have a piece of you heart forever. My piece wants your piece to know that I'll be here for you if there's anything you ever need.

 

P.S. Hello doesn't do it for me the way Wildest Dreams or Ellie Goulding's On My Mind does.

 

Love Always,

ExMM"

Edited November 5, 2015 by yodelwithyu

[yodelwithyu]

yodel!

 

i read your entire thread and i feel for you, sweetheart. i'm so sorry you got hurt this way & you seem like such a sweet person and i'm glad that you keep pushing forward... no matter what

wishing you the best of luck.

 

MiniMariah, thanks for reading my whole thread and the book length replies/updates I write. And thank you for your kind wishes. It has been a bumpy year, and it really does feel good that you can reach out into the abyss of the internet and people will grab your hand to try and keep you from falling.

 

(((hugs)))

[bathtub-row]

That's a nice email he sent and if I were you, I'd use it as closure. Knowing he genuinely loves you will have to be enough. Sometimes we have to say, "It just wasn't meant to be." This stuff happens all the time -- star-crossed lovers -- and it's no fun. I know it's hard but you're going to need to accept it. At least he loves you and you know that. Some OW don't ever get that.

[yodelwithyu]

Hey BathtubRow,

 

Good to see you back here! I am definitely looking at that email as closure. And the phone call I made to him last week also felt like it gave me a little more closure as well, as I had found out more things about him after we initiated NC that were really upsetting me. And it WAS a nice email, but I fear the sweeter, kind words were promoted by me telling him I didn't recognize the person who wrote me cold emails the first three times. So essentially, I am reminded of times when I used to get angry and say "I shouldn't have to tell you to care more!!" And then, like now, he would try harder for a few days. And that is not a good feeling. Don't get me wrong, I know I have had a lot more closure and kindness than most OWs, and I am so very thankful for that.

 

I just have a hard time reconciling all the lies with the person he portrays in his last email. And I know people are complex. So of course, I am still always questioning what is real and what is not. And who he actually is as a person. and that is what keeps my head spinning most days.

 

As for accepting it, I have for the most part (unless it seems like I haven't through my posts), but it doesn't make it any easier. I am having a harder time accepting my actions and behavior. I am trying. Doing my best. What I cannot do is romanticize it as "not meant to be" or star-crossed lovers," because it will make it harder to move on or forget about. My last two relationships were not meant to be. Both great great men, the right men but timing, or life got in the way. This "not meant to be" with exMM was an R built on a foundation of lies and selfishness that he laid down. What he came to feel after was a consequence of his actions. He was the wrong guy and the wrong time, so it should have NEVER been.

 

Anyway, even a "not meant to be" can obliterate you into nothingness when your body and heart were all in, right?

 

Good to see you again!!

[yodelwithyu]

I guess what I am trying to say, is that after everything, despite everything, there is still a giant, gaping hole in my heart in the shape of him. And it all really really hurts. You know?

[bathtub-row]

I understand. There seems to be no real help for it other than time. Lots of it. I never thought I'd get over xMM but I have. As a matter of fact, I don't even see him the same way anymore. Does he still affect me? Yes. A day doesn't go by that I don't think about him but they're not thoughts so much of fondness as they are of some resentment, some wondering, etc. I resent him for the way he hurt me. Perhaps if I can get away from his company and find a new place to work, I'll be better. All I want to do is be away from him. Someday you'll be glad he's far away. But I do know how it hurts. Just know that it will stop someday.

 

As far as the lies he told you, yeah, that's inexcusable. Not something that should be overlooked.

 

What "not meant to be" means to me is that it's something I shouldn't waste anymore time hoping for, or trying for. It makes me just want to walk away from it and move on.

Edited November 5, 2015 by bathtub-row

[yodelwithyu]

I forgot he own the company you work for! You should try and find another job if you can. I cannot tell you how much the actual distance has helped me. Maybe once you change jobs you won't even think of him daily. I don't think I actually had a time line on when you guys ended. Do you mind telling me?

 

I have never spent so much time thinking of somebody, having images of them in my head, but I do know I will get over him eventually. I'm under no illusion that I never will. I'm already in so much of a better space than I was last month. I always say, as he said in his email, that once you love someone, a part of your heart has their name on it forever. This is not to say you are in love with them forever or pine for them always. It just is like that for me. Always has been. Every love is different. I'm just not sure how small the remaining pieces have to be divided up in the future, jeez! LOL.

 

I am just biding my time until I am over him. Time has never moved so slowly.

[NewLeaf512]

I forgot he own the company you work for! You should try and find another job if you can. I cannot tell you how much the actual distance has helped me. Maybe once you change jobs you won't even think of him daily. I don't think I actually had a time line on when you guys ended. Do you mind telling me?

 

I have never spent so much time thinking of somebody, having images of them in my head, but I do know I will get over him eventually. I'm under no illusion that I never will. I'm already in so much of a better space than I was last month. I always say, as he said in his email, that once you love someone, a part of your heart has their name on it forever. This is not to say you are in love with them forever or pine for them always. It just is like that for me. Always has been. Every love is different. I'm just not sure how small the remaining pieces have to be divided up in the future, jeez! LOL.

 

I am just biding my time until I am over him. Time has never moved so slowly.

 

Yodel ickle hedgehog ... The only cliche about this matter is about time. For mont it's your own private little journey through hell. It's usually impossible for one to see in herself that she is healing, because your whole being feels like a raw wound. So I will tell you, you are healing xx

[minimariah]

Thoughts would be appreciated on his email...

 

i don't think he loves you. i don't think what he feels for you + his actions can be described as love. i don't think you should think about this as LOVE (from his side), because you're risking to fall into another relationship with this exact pattern. love isn't full of lies, selfish. love isn't when he, instead of divorcing, chooses to drag you into an even bigger mess when you had no idea that you weren't the only one in the picture to begin with - because staying married, even with the forced open marriage, is apparently far more important than you. love would be to let you go & to leave you alone so you can actually HEAL.

 

all i see in this mail is selfishness & narcissism -- notice how much he talks about HIM.

 

"The last days have been tougher than usual. Talking to you felt so good and just reminded me of how much I miss that part of my life that I became so accustomed to.

 

him & his needs.

 

I need you to take care of yourself.

 

HE needs you to take care of yourself.

 

I know that sorry will never cover anything, but I need you to know that I really do feel bad about everything I've done.

 

"i really do feel bad" is something you tell people when you accidentally spill coffee on their shirt, "i feel bloody devastated and wake up screaming" would be far more appropriate for the bull he put you through.

 

Don't let someone like me have so much of an impact.

 

this is interesting because he ASSUMES he has that impact. it seems like he wants to have that impact.

 

My piece wants your piece to know that I'll be here for you if there's anything you ever need.

 

except when you need him to get a divorce because his marriage was a charade anyway, of course. he'll be here for anything you ever need BUT that.

 

you can look at it from 2 point of views -

1. he loves you so much that he refused to let you go and forced an open marriage. 2. he loves you so little that he would rather have an open marriage just so he wouldn't have to divorce.

 

and i don't think you need some kind of proof of his love to move on or heal. i think you need quite the opposite so you'll move faster and cleaner without some fake hope based on literally nothing.

 

he lied to you. he chased you, lied to you, was selfish, then manipulated you and dragged you into his own personal mess because it was all about his needs to begin with. ALWAYS keep that in mind. that's the huge, giant elephant in the room that shows you all you need to know - once you remove the pink cloud of sex, sweet words and cute moments.

 

and i wouldn't call you an OW - you were a victim in all this.

[bathtub-row]

I forgot he own the company you work for! You should try and find another job if you can. I cannot tell you how much the actual distance has helped me. Maybe once you change jobs you won't even think of him daily. I don't think I actually had a time line on when you guys ended. Do you mind telling me?

 

I have never spent so much time thinking of somebody, having images of them in my head, but I do know I will get over him eventually. I'm under no illusion that I never will. I'm already in so much of a better space than I was last month. I always say, as he said in his email, that once you love someone, a part of your heart has their name on it forever. This is not to say you are in love with them forever or pine for them always. It just is like that for me. Always has been. Every love is different. I'm just not sure how small the remaining pieces have to be divided up in the future, jeez! LOL.

 

I am just biding my time until I am over him. Time has never moved so slowly.

 

Yes, I have started looking for a new job again. I stopped looking for awhile because I got into something where I thought I'd be able to work for myself but it's taking too long so I'm turning up the burner on my search again. I don't remember exactly when it ended between us -- I think it was around 2012. It was an 8-yr affair. Not a straight 8 yrs because there were a lot of break-ups in between.

 

In the video meetings I'm in with him and several others there, I never laugh at anything he says. I do a lot of pretending when I do have to address him. He has not been to our office for 2 yrs except for the Xmas party last year. I don't know what he plans to do this year but I'm hoping I'll be gone by then. I agree that getting away from him would be the very best thing and I can hardly wait. You're right, I'm not pining for him, and I no longer want to be with him. In my mind, he's just another guy who has ripped up my heart. He's really no different than the others.

 

Yes, people we have loved definitely stay with us in one way or another and I'm sure xMM will. We were very, very close but because of that closeness, I feel more betrayed and broken by his actions than I ever have by anyone else.

 

I'm glad you're better than you were only a month ago. You'll get there, I'm just sorry you've had to go through this at all.

[yodelwithyu]

and i wouldn't call you an OW - you were a victim in all this.

 

Thanks, I really need to hear this sometimes. I know that I had a hard time breaking it off in the few weeks between me finding out and her finding out, and that is when and only when I was officially an OW. It is easier to try forgive myself for a few weeks of an EA, and cringe about one day of PA as a major lapse in judgement when my world got turned upside down. Though, if I am being honest, even in that sham of an open marriage, it still felt like I was the other woman. Not being able to call when I wanted, or him disappearing, the breadcrumbs, and especially that my existence was painful to another woman, his wife, made me feel gross and worthless.

 

i don't think he loves you. i don't think what he feels for you + his actions can be described as love.

 

I don't think he loves me either. Maybe he thinks he did, but this is sure as sh*t not how you treat someone you love. You will notice that in my reply to BathtubRow I was careful not to say it. I am thankful for closure, and and the fact that he has not yet thrown me under the proverbial bus. And you are right, thinking he loved me doesn't help me move on a bit, that is why I said I CANNOT romanticize him or our R. What a hole I would be digging myself into! I can recognize I got played. So, of course I thought he was everything I wanted, because he was playing a character from the beginning. F**king cruel.

 

because staying married, even with the forced open marriage, is apparently far more important than you.

 

1. he loves you so much that he refused to let you go and forced an open marriage. 2. he loves you so little that he would rather have an open marriage just so he wouldn't have to divorce.

 

I LITERALLY just posted this yesterday to someone else's thread: At the time, I felt like "wow this guy must really care for me, he is fighting so hard for me, and putting everything at risk." That made it much harder in the next few months to leave him. I only recently had the epiphany that yes, part of the fight was to be with me, but really, he was fighting for himself. And HIS happiness. And HIS stupid store-bought cake. So of course he is going to fight hard. He was going to have all. Best of both worlds.

 

I never expected him to divorce, because I was trying to exit as soon as I found out he was married, but the sentiment of "I love you so much I can only be with you" was, for sure, missing. I'm still embarrassed and how long it took me to let him go enjoy his amazeballs marriage.

 

except when you need him to get a divorce because his marriage was a charade anyway, of course. he'll be here for anything you ever need BUT that.

 

HAHAHHAHAHAHA. Dead!

 

"i feel bloody devastated and wake up screaming" would be far more appropriate for the bull he put you through.

 

THIS. This for the win.

 

Thank you so much for all the time you put into your post, lovely. And the reality checks. When I do say love, I mean MY love. Not his poor man's version of it. Having said that, I will say that even if all his words are fake, and although I know he is just looking to make himself out to be this tragic nice guy, he still has to bother to put in the effort to go to the library and email me. So for whatever reason, I am still on his mind.

 

And I hope I stay a sharp thorn in his side, so that every time he laughs he gets jabbed. Sorry, not sorry.

[eye of the storm]

Your posts are getting spunky. I like that.

 

Sending you sunshine and rainbows today.

[yodelwithyu]

Your posts are getting spunky. I like that.

 

Me too! Thanks for the sunshine and rainbows. Still much needed. Xoxo!

[NewLeaf512]

Hello Yodel Darling.. This goes in peaks and valleys and soon the valleys get further apart. NLx

[yodelwithyu]

Today I don't feel so good. Today I don't feel spunky or funny. Today I feel empty and used.

 

It doesn't change my opinion or resolve. But that doesn't stop the tears. I know it will pass. But that doesn't make it ok to feel this way.

 

Today...I wish I could just disappear.

[eye of the storm]

Remember the roller coaster. Don't wish you could disappear. You really have no idea how important you are to other people.

 

You have value.

 

You are just having a bad day. It is temporary. Hang on and it will pass and you will be closer to the end of this bumpy ride. Smooth sailing is on its way.

[yodelwithyu]

Thanks Eye for always for being here. It was a really bad day. Started with waking up in a puddle of sweat, breathing heavily, heart racing after only two hours of sleep from a particularly bad night terror.

 

I have been talking a lot about my feelings about myself and him, but not touching on the other physical/psychological things that had started happening when I first started posting. The anxiety has come down a little, as I haven't had a full blown have-to-go-to-hospital panic attack again after the second time, but most mornings I am still awakened by rapid heart rate, breathing really fast and feeling hot. It is a terrible way to start the day when you are anxious before you even wake up. This feeling alone makes you not want to face the day. This had started happening in July and has only gotten worse.

 

The night terrors have gone down in frequency too, but still a lot more than I have had in six years.

 

Still don't really have an appetite, but all the hormones they gave me made me put a little weight on that I had lost, so my mom is a little less worried.

 

A lot of my hair has fallen out and it has gotten really really dry. And my skin is not as soft as it has been my whole life. I am taking vitamins and supplements, but it doesn't seem to help. I know it seems like a strange thing to mention, but I think it is a side effect of stress. Sometimes when I feel like making light of the situation, I joke that I cried out all the moisture that my hair and skin are supposed to have.

 

I know that I am loved, and that is the only thing that keeps me going. But I do so wish I could go to sleep and wake up when I was finally better. Not just from him. From everything. It sucks to feel like such a DebbieDowner, "woe is me" type, but some days, all the bad things just add up for me and I wonder why I bother to try so hard. I hate thinking that and feeling it. But there it is. Some days, I feel like I exist, but am not living.

 

I am impatiently waiting for the day that I have enough grace in my heart to forgive him, and enough strength in my mind to let it all go.

 

I can't tell you how thankful I am to be able to post here. Journaling helps sometimes, but it doesn't give you advice or caring thoughts back. So to whoever is reading, thank you for not letting me be alone. And to whoever replies, thank you for letting me know I am not alone.