annoying 'friends '

[ktya]

Now now.

 

Plenty of people have affairs, many well into the relationship and often when they are already married and sometimes they carry on for months and sometimes things get out of control and they get attached.

 

I was openly poly for several years and this started barely a week into the relationship, carried on for about six weeks, but it was really intense because me and "perfect girlfriend " were roommates and lived together. It's over now that I'm engaged but there are feelings involved.

 

Doesn't make it right, but I'm not the worst guy on earth either.

 

The post (which I made in a forum area for those who are cheating with an involved partner, by the way) is about the wreckage caused when other people take it upon themselves to get involved in your love life when they had no business doing so.

 

"Lecture boy" was specifically told that me and "perfect girlfriend " were just friends now but she still had feelings for me, and asked to just not go on about the engagement to spare her feelings. He then decided to launch into a one hour lecture out of nowhere. I know there is a lot of material to read in this thread so I will excuse anyone who missed that i brought "perfect girlfriend " to visit him instead of drinking alone together in my house. If I was out to get laid we could have just as easily stayed home.

 

As for the escort chick taking it upon herself to out me and "perfect girlfriend " to "perfect wife " that was just plain cold as she doesn't know her at all.

 

I know it's easy to dogpile me but (a) me and "perfect girlfriend " made the decision to just be friends, (b) I did choose "perfect wife " and © "perfect girlfriend " is moved out and "perfect wife " is now moved in.

 

Would those who are so critical of me and in so much agreement with the meddling friends appreciate if one of their friends decided to get involved in their relationships and take it upon themselves to tell their spouse a secret or lecture their spouse for an hour making them feel like a POS? I doubt it.

[ShatteredLady]

Quote - "As for the escort chick taking it upon herself to out me and "perfect girlfriend " to "perfect wife " that was just plain cold as she doesn't know her at all.".

 

Some people find it their moral duty to run into a burning building to save others. You are not married to your "perfect wife". She still has time to learn what kind of man she is involved with.

 

 

Quote - "Would those who are so critical of me and in so much agreement with the meddling friends appreciate if one of their friends decided to get involved in their relationships and take it upon themselves to tell their spouse a secret or lecture their spouse for an hour making them feel like a POS? I doubt it."

 

Some believe that everybody deserves to know the truth about their own lives. Being young is about learning & growth. The childish view that "Friends with benefits" & "What she doesn't know doesn't hurt her" doesn't cause unimaginable pain needs to be educated in the realities of life.

 

Does it occur to you that your friends are truly trying to help you & these women? Being a real friend doesn't mean you sit back & watch your friend play with fire!!

 

By the way...how do you know the "Perfect Wife" is great with kids? I truly hope that children aren't involved in this mess. I'm not convinced that you have what it takes to own a goldfish, let alone M & children!

[Sassy Girl]

Women are not put on this earth to serve you, you know.

 

Cut both loose. You don't care about either woman. You're so into yourself though... Ugh.

 

Makes me sad knowing men like you exist.

 

i hope you have daughters. Lots of them. And remember one day how you treated their mother/s. You'll go absolutely mad knowing there are men just like you chasing them.

Edited September 17, 2015 by Sassy Girl

[BlueBlood]

"Now now plenty of people have affairs?"

 

Really?

 

...really?

 

Plenty of people like lighting buildings on fire, plenty of other people like stalking. Let's not get on the 'plenty of people are crappy' bandwagon as justification for your choices.

 

As for piling the blame on you? I hold your perfects (plural) equally in this circus; I have never understood why someone would chose to stay in a situation like that which you have described. To even imagine a person saying "even if you cheat again I'd forgive you because I can see you two have a spark/attraction between you" is baffling.

 

So what if perfect fiancé does some thinking and decides you are perfect husband material but you fall shy as a boyfriend. Is it cool if she has another man have sex with her? Accidental sex, of course, but sex nonetheless. Can she do it in your shared apartment?

[preraph]

Incidentally, you might want to redo the math. You said your perfect wife had "kids," but felt bad because she wasn't a virgin and had sex once. Hellooo.

 

You have no business getting married. When you want two women, that's dating. And you're supposed to be honest that you are "just dating."

[SpiralOut]

What are you really looking for in this thread? If you really want to ditch your friends then do it. You don't need our approval.

 

I think you feel guilty and you want to find someone who agrees with you so that way you won't feel so bad.

 

But that's not the answer. The guilt will still be there, buried underneath everything else. To feel better you will need to man up and dump one of these women.

Edited September 18, 2015 by SpiralOut

[ktya]

Looks like a bunch of angry people who have been cheated on are raiding the other man/other woman thread looking for revenge.

 

Whatever I guess I'll go elsewhere for advice on my meddling friends.

[mrldii]

<--- Not angry

<--- Never been cheated on

<--- Never cheated

<--- Nothing to avenge

<--- Don't much pay attention to where threads are placed

 

 

Regardless of where one chooses to place their thoughts/questions, sometimes right is right and wrong is wrong. I'm still confused as to how your meddling friends are causing the "perfect-wife girlfriend" and "perfect-girlfriend girlfriend" such pain, distress, despair, and agony

 

 

while your hands remain completely clean in all of it. But, then again, I'm still trying to wrap my head around a fiancee forgiving someone who cheats on her AND tells him if he does it again she'll understand and forgive him again.

 

Seems *like* some sort of South Park "Cartman's Got a Golden Ticket" episode.

 

[sportygirl89]

You are just pissed your friends confronted "perfect wife". "Perfect wife" probably had no clue that you were being unfaithful. Your friends saw a duty to inform and you are pissed off they questioned you about it or one of the girl . You are living in a fantasy land to think that you get to have both. You are a selfish nut. Karma I think is just catching up on you. YOU are the problem not your friend or "perfect wife or perfect girlfriend". Please do us all a favor and go see a therapist.

[ktya]

Oh. I see a mod moved the topic to platonic.

 

No wonder the thread started attracting such hostile attention. I put it in the other man / other woman forum for good reason.

[anika99]

The majority of the replies were posted while this thread was in the OW/OM forum. Did you think that a bunch of OW would be sympathetic to your plight? Most OW only become OW because they believe their MM is miserable in his marriage and will be leaving his wife soon so seeing you talk about your "perfect wife" does not make them feel sad for you. The OW here reacted much like your OW does when she is reminded that you have another and she was not your choice. Why does that surprise you?

 

I think your friends are horrified by your behaviour and genuinely concerned for these 2 women in your life. By the sounds of it the OW is very young, almost 20 yrs younger than you. She may legally be an adult but she sounds like a woman with daddy issues otherwise this situation would be beneath her and she would have kicked you to the curb a long time ago. Your soon to be wife also has self esteem issues and a low self worth which is why she will accept whatever cheating you wish to partake in. As I said before these are 2 spineless women you don't have very high expectations. No wonder you consider them "perfect".

[BlueIris]

Your missing the point. This is a situation for me, "perfect wife", and "perfect girlfriend " to deal with, and nobody else.

 

But anyway all that is off topic.

 

The reason for my post is I'm annoyed with meddling friends, not to justify my really awkward situation of being in love with two women at once.

 

So long as you and the women live in a society other people might give them information or voice opinions.

 

Sometimes people who want to control what their partners know and think isolate them so that others can’t give them information and opinions. I'm not necessarily saying that you are being abusive, but isolating a partner to control what she knows and hears is an element of an abusive relationship. So you might want to reflect on whether you want to control what these women know and hear from others.

Edited September 18, 2015 by BlueIris

[SpiralOut]

Looks like a bunch of angry people who have been cheated on are raiding the other man/other woman thread looking for revenge.

 

Whatever I guess I'll go elsewhere for advice on my meddling friends.

 

I'm not angry and this isn't the other man/woman thread. I just don't understand what you want advice with exactly. What to say to your friends? How to get them off your back?

 

Stop talking to them about your love life and tell them you don't want them bringing it up.

[sportygirl89]

Do you seriously not see anything wrong with what you are doing? I hope they get sense enough to leave you. I'm single and never have been another woman. What you have been doing is just plain low.

[BlueBlood]

I'm not angry in the least but when this many people in real life and on an advise board have qualms about your choices, maybe it's time to stop deflecting responsibility and reassess your part in your problems. Just food for thought.

[ktya]

I'm not angry and this isn't the other man/woman thread. I just don't understand what you want advice with exactly. What to say to your friends? How to get them off your back?

 

Stop talking to them about your love life and tell them you don't want them bringing it up.

 

I had to tell "lecture boy" merely so he didn't carry on about my recent engagement, I told him about our past trysts and that we're just friends now and she still has feelings.

 

The guy has sort of done this before with a past girlfriend (meddling, lecturing and getting involved) to the point where I gave him sht and didn't talk to him for months. There was no cheating that time, just an air like he was the expert on everything from relationships to child rearing when I'd never seen him even close to having a girlfriend and obviously no kids in his life. He's married now so I'd figured he'd smartened up with more experience.

 

Unfortunately the one who blew the lid in the first place was also another roommate so it was hard to keep what was going on from her; we were trying to keep it on the down low but after a month it got kinda obvious.

 

As per blueiris comment, no there was no information control, beyond me obviously not wanting the girlfriend to know about the tyrsts with the roommate. The roommate I was messing around with knew I was getting engaged because that was the discussed termination time of our little arrangements. The engagement went up on Facebook too, and she's on mine. It wasn't a big secret ; it was just a topic better not discussed because it would sting. And sting it did with "lecture boy " carrying on for an hour. Oddly enough lecture boy even took it to his personal task even though I told him we were just friends now that I was engaged.

 

My point of this thread was about people taking it upon themselves to get directly involved in other people's love lives. These two aren't the first in my life and I doubt they will be the last, and often it has nothing to do with cheating.

 

As it stands I am never speaking to the whistle blower girl again. Lecture boy maybe, but he sure as hell isn't going to be hanging out with me and my fiancee. He was a wrecking ball with my former fiancee (ironically she had been cheating on me) and an ex girlfriend that I lived with for four years. I don't need a resident expert telling me how to treat my girls, and as is probably apparent from this thread and some of my others, I seem to do pretty well relating to and attracting women on my own... a little too good, actually.

Edited September 18, 2015 by ktya
cited wrong user

[anika99]

So "lecture boy" had done this before and recently he did it again and went on for an hour? LOL...well if this was so upsetting to you why would you let it go on for an hour? Don't you know how to speak up?

[mrldii]

I am still awestruck that - 3 pages later - this is still being presented as

 

"I was just sitting there, minding my own business, not bothering a soul...when

 

 

suddenly, ***BAM***

 

 

I was completely blind-sided by meddling and nosy (and lecturing) friends!!!"

 

 

 

Seriously...not a drop of blood on the rubber gloves you used to keep your hands clean in all of it, OP?!?

[almond]

This is all pretty straight forward in my opinion- you and your friends are simply not compatible.

 

Your friends sound like decent people. You're way too different from them for this to work.

[Lurkeraspect]

Please just dump all these people. It's obvious to me, that you're WAY more sophisticated than any of the players in your tale. You need to hit the reset button.

[ktya]

So "lecture boy" had done this before and recently he did it again and went on for an hour? LOL...well if this was so upsetting to you why would you let it go on for an hour? Don't you know how to speak up?

 

I was stuck in a tightrope walk. The only way to shut him up would have been to say that the sex with roommate meant nothing to me and that I never had any feelings for her (and lie) right in front of her, which would have crushed her even worse than his ramblings about how I'm engaged and how people who cheat are horrible people.

 

I did speak up after about 15 and go on the attack, because it was a conversation that should have never even come up in the first cuddling or place : I had asked him not to mention the engagement, I told him the roommate and I were just friends now, that she had feelings, and as I stated before we weren't flirting or touching eachother or cuddling or getting cozy. His lecture came entirely out of nowhere. As I later found out when I was in the bathroom he was asking some rather personal questions of the roommate about our "relationship ".

 

After half an hour of trying to shut him up, I called a cab and we left.

[Got it]

Your issue was wanting to control Lecture boy with what he would and wouldn't talk about, i.e. the engagement instead of prepping Perfect Girlfriend/now friend. IF she is JUST a friend the information should not be news to her and it is also acceptable to talk about. You are trying to hedge and control conversations that you can't control. So Stop.

 

If she can't handle the discussion of your engagement, which will only be made "worse" when you are getting married and married then she may have to decide if this friendship is in her best interest.

 

So stop trying to manage/manipulate people and just let it be.

[SpiralOut]

So you told lecture boy about it, knowing that he is how he is. If you didn't want perfect girlfriend listening to engagement talk, then it might have been easier for you to keep her away from your friends. I'm kinda surprised that she would willingly subject herself to a situation like that in the first place. If she can't handle it she can get up and walk away, you don't need to try and protect her feelings by controlling what your friends say. She knows you're engaged.

 

Your friend is the way he is, you can't change that. Either accept it and limit what you tell him, or stop spending time with him.

Edited September 19, 2015 by SpiralOut

[ktya]

Your issue was wanting to control Lecture boy with what he would and wouldn't talk about, i.e. the engagement instead of prepping Perfect Girlfriend/now friend. IF she is JUST a friend the information should not be news to her and it is also acceptable to talk about.

 

So stop trying to manage/manipulate people and just let it be.

 

I don't think asking a friend to layoff a topic when you come for a short visit in order to spare someone's feelings qualifies as manipulation. If that's your definition of being manipulated, god help you if you ever talk to a good sales person because your doomed.

[Got it]

I don't think asking a friend to layoff a topic when you come for a short visit in order to spare someone's feelings qualifies as manipulation. If that's your definition of being manipulated, god help you if you ever talk to a good sales person because your doomed.

 

Yes it is. And he decided not to. Again, her feelings shouldn't be hurt by it so why are you trying to have it ignored.

 

Sorry honey, lesson number one, if you are going to cheat then don't mix the people who interact with both parties. You are spinning plates and blaming everyone else. If you want to live separate lives then learn how to do it properly. You are really acting very lazy. You can't control people and god help you with your frustration about EVERYONE else if you continue in this manner.

 

Separate or have it open. Or rinse and repeat your recent events. Affairs really aren't rocket science.