Never allow feelings to develop BEFORE seeing what they are like in bed?

[siriusp]

I don't know why you would think that feelings are only built from sex? Why my original post was about was not letting feelings develop too far before seeing if the person is compatible sexually. The feelings of interest and attraction are already there..... no point in making feelings stronger if the relationship is doomed because the couple are not compatible.

[ZA Dater]

I don't know why you would think that feelings are only built from sex? Why my original post was about was not letting feelings develop too far before seeing if the person is compatible sexually. The feelings of interest and attraction are already there..... no point in making feelings stronger if the relationship is doomed because the couple are not compatible.

 

Ok, so people are compatible in every respect barring sex? Then what? Do you walk away because of that?

[ZA Dater]

Dude! It's about chemistry, not physics. You will learn the physics of sex soon enough.

 

Also be aware that since everyone's body is different, you almost have to re-learn the physics of sex with every new partner.

 

Being inexperienced is not an obstacle. Being hung up or unenthusiastic or having mismatched libidos can be.

 

If being a virgin is bothering you so much and holding you back, just go have sex with someone even if you have to lower your standards or hire someone.

 

Doesn't bother me but what does bother me is I meet someone fantastic and she expects Casanova, which I wont be and lets assume everything else is good. Based on my impressions of this thread that would be a total deal killer, irrespective of how good the other aspects of the relationship are.

 

As for paying and lowering my standards, not interested in either option, thanks all the same.

[mrldii]

Ok, so people are compatible in every respect barring sex? Then what? Do you walk away because of that?

 

Yes, probably.

 

Some of the people attempting to "sex-shame" others on this topic seem to believe that for those "sad few" of us who DO find enjoyable sex a necessary component before we'll establish a relationship, that it is the ONLY component that we "sad few" consider.

 

I didn't type that; I didn't see any of the other "sad few" typing that.

 

I don't have a flawed picker; I suspect the other "sad few" don't, either. Me, doing it my way, in my little world, has worked well for me and has served me well. I've had 4 serious, long-term relationships (thus far) in my life; in each of them, the sex was great...and sex (nor cheating) was NOT part of the reason(s) my LTRs broke up.

 

As I'd stated earlier, there is no right way nor wrong way in this...there is only The Way That Works for each individual. For the record, I don't start threads wondering/worrying about sex nor complaining/kvetching about members of the opposite sex, so it would appear that what I do works for me.

 

 

 

[ZA Dater]

Yes, probably.

 

Some of the people attempting to "sex-shame" others on this topic seem to believe that for those "sad few" of us who DO find enjoyable sex a necessary component before we'll establish a relationship, that it is the ONLY component that we "sad few" consider.

 

I didn't type that; I didn't see any of the other "sad few" typing that.

 

I don't have a flawed picker; I suspect the other "sad few" don't, either. Me, doing it my way, in my little world, has worked well for me and has served me well. I've had 4 serious, long-term relationships (thus far) in my life; in each of them, the sex was great...and sex (nor cheating) was NOT part of the reason(s) my LTRs broke up.

 

As I'd stated earlier, there is no right way nor wrong way in this...there is only The Way That Works for each individual. For the record, I don't start threads wondering/worrying about sex nor complaining/kvetching about members of the opposite sex, so it would appear that what I do works for me.

 

 

 

By all means, call me out.

 

Its very easy reading the posts here to get the impression sex was the ONLY important aspect of a relationship.

 

Regarding the second highlighted point, must be lovely to live in your world of utopia, glad it works for you. Nothing works for me or else I wouldn't be the person you describe.

 

Enjoy your world of utopia I am genuinely happy you found it.

 

Doesn't change my view that throughout this thread the importance of sex is over stated, then again being me, how would I know, maybe its magic and makes you feel like a million dollars or its terribly over hyped.

[Jj66]

maybe its magic and makes you feel like a million dollars or its terribly over hyped.

 

It's both of these at the same time.

[mrldii]

By all means, call me out.

 

Its very easy reading the posts here to get the impression sex was the ONLY important aspect of a relationship.

 

Regarding the second highlighted point, must be lovely to live in your world of utopia, glad it works for you. Nothing works for me or else I wouldn't be the person you describe.

 

Enjoy your world of utopia I am genuinely happy you found it.

 

Doesn't change my view that throughout this thread the importance of sex is over stated, then again being me, how would I know, maybe its magic and makes you feel like a million dollars or its terribly over hyped.

 

I didn't realize I was calling YOU out (on the parts you'd highlighted), though I was "calling (you) out" on your overstated "sex-shaming" of others (including myself) because we view sex, its importance, and our enjoyment of it in our lives differently than you (and others) do in yours.

 

For the third time, there is no 'right' or 'wrong' way for each individual. Why are you insisting that there IS a right way for everyone...and, coincidentally, That Right Way For Everyone is YOUR way?!?

 

Your snarkiness aside,"(my) utopia" seems to be making me a little happier in my little world than whatever state you've chosen for yours,

 

no?

[ZA Dater]

I didn't realize I was calling YOU out (on the parts you'd highlighted), though I was "calling (you) out" on your overstated "sex-shaming" of others (including myself) because we view sex, its importance, and our enjoyment of it in our lives differently than you (and others) do in yours.

 

For the third time, there is no 'right' or 'wrong' way for each individual. Why are you insisting that there IS a right way for everyone...and, coincidentally, That Right Way For Everyone is YOUR way?!?

 

Your snarkiness aside,"(my) utopia" seems to be making me a little happier in my little world than whatever state you've chosen for yours,

 

no?

 

Not insisting there is a right way for everyone at all, I am merely looking at the common consensus in this thread, nothing more. Here is me thinking maybe 15 minutes of physical exercise would merely be the cherry on the cake rather than the cake itself. It seems MANY but not all feel that it is indeed the cake, there is nothing wrong with that if its what they want.

 

I am just somewhat surprised at the huge important people place on sex. Then again seeing as I haven't had any and am not likely to have any anytime soon I guess I wouldn't understand that point of view.

[Jj66]

Not insisting there is a right way for everyone at all, I am merely looking at the common consensus in this thread, nothing more. Here is me thinking maybe 15 minutes of physical exercise would merely be the cherry on the cake rather than the cake itself. It seems MANY but not all feel that it is indeed the cake, there is nothing wrong with that if its what they want.

 

I am just somewhat surprised at the huge important people place on sex. Then again seeing as I haven't had any and am not likely to have any anytime soon I guess I wouldn't understand that point of view.

 

It's not the cherry and it's not the cake. It's the egg. It's what binds the other ingredients together.

[Maharishi]

Yes, and the impression I get is sex is rated as one of the most important things in a relationship,

 

If sex is one of the most important things in a relationship then God help these types of people when their partner suddenly gets erectile dysfunction or goes off sex or something. Many people attach a truly excessive amount of importance to sex. They might be better off working in the porn industry.

[Trane]

I came across this here on LS. But the majority of my friends offline feel this exact way about sex and relationships too.

 

Would you say this is the norm now?

 

I am asking because I have to admit that I'm so not into doing things this way that I'm considering simply stopping relationships and dating all together. I understand that I may be seriously old fashioned. But I simply have no understanding really of the above statement and can't relate to it at all. Therefore if this is what most well-adjusted people do in the dating world, and what they expect and are comfortable with, there is no point in me continuing to date at all.

 

Kinda hard to do for me that is.

 

I've fallen for women fully clothed and never saw them naked or did the deed.

 

Bad sex can sometimes be fixed with an open mind and honest communication.

[joseb]

Not insisting there is a right way for everyone at all, I am merely looking at the common consensus in this thread, nothing more. Here is me thinking maybe 15 minutes of physical exercise would merely be the cherry on the cake rather than the cake itself. It seems MANY but not all feel that it is indeed the cake, there is nothing wrong with that if its what they want.

 

I am just somewhat surprised at the huge important people place on sex. Then again seeing as I haven't had any and am not likely to have any anytime soon I guess I wouldn't understand that point of view.

 

Well here's the thing. Sex is what separates a romantic relationship from other types of relationships. So yes, it is important. Without it, what you have is the same as you have with any other friend/family.

 

I'll reiterate it again though, your lack of experience is not necessarily a problem - I've had good sex with girls who were very inexperienced.

 

And as someone else said, everyone is different, so stuff that my last GF liked might not turn on my current GF, and vice versa.

 

It's likely though that the first time will be so-so, but you will get into you grove quickly enough.

[siriusp]

Well here's the thing. Sex is what separates a romantic relationship from other types of relationships. So yes, it is important. Without it, what you have is the same as you have with any other friend/family.

 

I'll reiterate it again though, your lack of experience is not necessarily a problem - I've had good sex with girls who were very inexperienced.

 

And as someone else said, everyone is different, so stuff that my last GF liked might not turn on my current GF, and vice versa.

 

It's likely though that the first time will be so-so, but you will get into you grove quickly enough.

 

....get into the grove quickly enough! LOL

[Zippy2000]

Ok, I havent read most of the posts of this thread as a thread with a title about experience in bed makes me mad.

 

A bit shallow to judge someone on how good they are in bed. Think back to when you were younger or when you were still inexperienced.

 

Some people learn a lot slower and some become better. Why judge someone solely on their experience. No wonder relationships fail. It takes time to get to know someone.

[siriusp]

Ok, I havent read most of the posts of this thread as a thread with a title about experience in bed makes me mad.

 

A bit shallow to judge someone on how good they are in bed. Think back to when you were younger or when you were still inexperienced.

 

Some people learn a lot slower and some become better. Why judge someone solely on their experience. No wonder relationships fail. It takes time to get to know someone.

 

Yes... you've not read the thread! Context matters.

[DiimpleDoll]

Maybe I'm not normal, but I know if I have chemistry with a man almost as soon as I meet him. I can also tell if the physical chemistry is mutual! Even without having sex with them

[DiimpleDoll]

Chemistry is instant. If you have it, then sex will naturally become amazing. Once you learn each other's likes, wants, needs in the bedroom.

It's a cop out people for who have no insight or emotional intelligence. It's NOT all about sex! It takes an emotional bond PLUS chemistry to truly have mind blowing sex. To make it passionate. Intense.

[J21]

My feelings for my gf got stronger after sex. I dunno maybe that's just me.

[central]

Maybe I'm not normal, but I know if I have chemistry with a man almost as soon as I meet him. I can also tell if the physical chemistry is mutual! Even without having sex with them

 

I think that's normal to experience the chemistry or lack of it. Unfortunately, good chemistry does not always carry over to compatibility when it comes to sex. I've had amazing chemistry with women who only did starfish sex.

[LookAtThisPOst]

No wonder relationships fail. It takes time to get to know someone.

 

Exactly and also divorces are skyrocketing along with these shallow relationships. There's too much focus on sex that it's pathetic.

 

Just perpetuating the problem.

[Redhead14]

I came across this here on LS. But the majority of my friends offline feel this exact way about sex and relationships too.

 

Would you say this is the norm now?

 

I am asking because I have to admit that I'm so not into doing things this way that I'm considering simply stopping relationships and dating all together. I understand that I may be seriously old fashioned. But I simply have no understanding really of the above statement and can't relate to it at all. Therefore if this is what most well-adjusted people do in the dating world, and what they expect and are comfortable with, there is no point in me continuing to date at all.

 

Early in a dating scenario a person should be managing their emotions and expectations, before and after intimacy. Not only that, physical intimacy, shouldn't trump emotional intimacy. In other words, if it was not what you hoped it would be, it shouldn't change the emotions you have for the person. Physical intimacy can be improved and worked on as a couple. Emotional intimacy just happens. You don't work on that, it's either there or it isn't. If, however, the other person is unwilling to address physical intimacy and be cooperative or doesn't want to meet the needs of their partner, that's another story. That kind of thing indicates that their emotional intimacy is lacking in some way. The level of emotional intimacy toward a partner, drives the desire to be accommodating and want to please their partner -- unless there is a request or preference that is repulsive to them -- that's different.

[Lois_Griffin]

I came across this here on LS. But the majority of my friends offline feel this exact way about sex and relationships too.

 

Would you say this is the norm now?

 

I am asking because I have to admit that I'm so not into doing things this way that I'm considering simply stopping relationships and dating all together. I understand that I may be seriously old fashioned. But I simply have no understanding really of the above statement and can't relate to it at all. Therefore if this is what most well-adjusted people do in the dating world, and what they expect and are comfortable with, there is no point in me continuing to date at all.

I'm not surprised that you saw this here. But I find that what's said here - and what happens in REAL life - are usually two drastically different things.

 

Take everything you read with a HUGE grain of salt.

[SmartDude]

Therefore if this is what most well-adjusted people do in the dating world, and what they expect and are comfortable with, there is no point in me continuing to date at all.

 

Perhaps you are obsessing on what "most well-adjusted people do" in the dating world? And maybe it is not even true. Just look for what you want and ignore people who want to have sex soon. If that feels comfortable to you, I don't see any difficulty in choosing someone with similar views as your own.

[shet]

Anecdotally of course, but without fail everyone I've ever known, male or female, who has cited sex as a reason to stop dating someone, has been an idiot with life problems and often adulterers. Conversely, and again anecdotally, the strongest relationships I've been exposed to have been those where sex was a lesser component, becoming very infrequent. To good people good for each other, it doesn't seem to matter much. But then, I am in my thirties and I'm talking about married couples with or working toward kids. By the time you're in it that deep, you've so entwined your lives and resources you can't think about going alone again regardless of any problems. At least, not until we all hit our forties. Maybe I'll get back to you after the first divorces.