Maharishi Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 I came across this here on LS. But the majority of my friends offline feel this exact way about sex and relationships too. Would you say this is the norm now? I am asking because I have to admit that I'm so not into doing things this way that I'm considering simply stopping relationships and dating all together. I understand that I may be seriously old fashioned. But I simply have no understanding really of the above statement and can't relate to it at all. Therefore if this is what most well-adjusted people do in the dating world, and what they expect and are comfortable with, there is no point in me continuing to date at all.
d0nnivain Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 Different strokes. i needed some kind of feeling before sexual activity. If the sex was bad that could kill burgeoning feelings but it was tougher if I liked the person & the sex was mediocre. 2
beanie66f Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 I agree with the different strokes comment above. I was never interested in sex with someone unless there was some attraction and compatibility . Frankly I think a persons attitude towards their partner and sex is more telling than actual "performance" in bed your first time together. I've never been in situation where I've liked someone a lot and was attracted to them and the sex was bad. Though I will admit... It was the bedroom that sealed the deal for my DH. He had me hook line and sinker afterwards. That was sprinkles and.cherry on top of everything else I liked about him. 3
blackcat777 Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 In the dating world... and in life... you have to learn to stand strong and stick to what you believe in, or else you will be unhappy. If you need a connection before sex, never settle for anything less. It will be self-defeating. 4
LookAtThisPOst Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 (edited) I came across this here on LS. But the majority of my friends offline feel this exact way about sex and relationships too. Would you say this is the norm now? I am asking because I have to admit that I'm so not into doing things this way that I'm considering simply stopping relationships and dating all together. I understand that I may be seriously old fashioned. But I simply have no understanding really of the above statement and can't relate to it at all. Therefore if this is what most well-adjusted people do in the dating world, and what they expect and are comfortable with, there is no point in me continuing to date at all. It's a canned excuse to bang someone in a "friends with benefits" fashion. No obligation, etc. They just are lengthening the a round-about definition of FWB in a new package. A person who thinks this way is justifying their selfish needs. Frankly I think a persons attitude towards their partner and sex is more telling Right, the title of this post is as telling. I am kind of curious as to how a person, who follows such a philosophy, how many chances they will give before dumping the guy/gal for performance? Edited September 16, 2015 by LookAtThisPOst 3
shet Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 90% of the time first sex (and second third and fourth) is lacklustre. The kinds of people who rabbit on about the first time with their partner being amazing are usually the same kinds who'll have you believe a lot of their life is amazing, from the desperate need for validation that cripples them from ever achieving authenticity as an individual. One mark of maturity, in the realm of relationships at least, is an acceptance that sex is not to be emphasised too early and should be given time as a work in progress. Conversely, a sign of immaturity is demanding an instantly fulfilling bedroom adventure. I laugh each and every time someone talks (or posts here) about a new or newish male partner being poor in bed. They never think through the fact that it literally takes two. If he's a two pump chump it's your job to slow it down. If he's uninspired it's your job to spice it up. If he truly can't up his game despite your best efforts, then you can complain. Many women are limp fish in bed, thinking they can judge men while they lay back, spread their legs and take a length, like a ****ing side of beef with a hole in it. Many men still don't know the meaning of foreplay. These people deserve the unfulfilling sex life they receive. 2
mrldii Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 I am one of *gasp* Those People who will not get serious with another 'til I've had - and enjoyed - sex with them. *Sorry*, but sex IS just that important to me as part of a fulfilling relationship. However, I am not so presumptuous as to dictate this is The Way It Should Be Done and am gracious and generous enough to offer that each of us should do that which feels best for each of us. 3
katiegrl Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 I am one of *gasp* Those People who will not get serious with another 'til I've had - and enjoyed - sex with them. *Sorry*, but sex IS just that important to me as part of a fulfilling relationship. However, I am not so presumptuous as to dictate this is The Way It Should Be Done and am gracious and generous enough to offer that each of us should do that which feels best for each of us. I'm with you on that mrldii... sex is too important to me.... so no I would not get serious with my partner either....until we've enjoyed sex.... however that is NOT to say I would not still have feelings for him. Choosing to become serious is something I have control of.... feelings are NOT something I have control of. God knows I wish I did sometimes! But unfortunately I don't. The only thing I have control of is what I choose to do with those feelings. Plus for me.... I actually cannot enjoy sex unless I have feelings (chemistry/attraction)....but if the sex absolutely sucked and we didn't click sexually...then I would have to walk away and choose to NOT become serious. The feelings might still be there for awhile though....but again if we did not click sexually, then I would have to move on. Sex is too damn important to settle for less than .....WOW with my partner! JMO. 2
TheBathWater Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 (edited) Excellent topic. I am the kind of guy who needs some feelings involved in order to get physical. If the sex is great, that will really seal the deal for me. If it's at least not awful, I will continue seeing the person. I recognize that sex gets better over time, and so come from that mindset. Sex without feelings is not very good to me. If I want to get off without feelings, I can masturbate. Every once in a while, I will encounter someone who just has a lot of hangups around sex and it becomes obvious that no amount of 'working on it' is going to lead to better sex. It's a recipe for relationship failure if things progress in that case. A few years ago, there was a woman I was really, really into. The first time we had sex though, she didn't move at all and was totally silent. I actually worried she had passed out or was dead! She also thought ejaculations were "icky" and looked grossed out every time I pulled out after (and we were using condoms!). Talk about a mood killer. She also didn't like to have sex very often, but she "loved me". Because I wanted us to work, I kept seeing her. We wound up splitting after only four months because of her hangups around sex. That experience taught me just how important good, connected, ALIVE sex is (among the many other compatibility factors) for a relationship to last. Edited September 17, 2015 by TunaInTheBrine 2
PogoStick Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 Look at it in reverse. I gave my current girl the banging of a lifetime and now she's falling in love like a little schoolgirl. Don't you understand that sex (and orgasms) develop love and intimacy?
Jj66 Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 I can't imagine becoming serious with someone before establishing sexual compatibility. Sex isn't everything but it's very important to me. 2
blackcat777 Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 Don't you understand that sex (and orgasms) develop love and intimacy? Oxytocin and all related feel-good sex hormones are indeed bonding. But if you don't date long enough to really get to know a person and blindly jump into physically bonding yourself to someone crazy, well. Don't say I didn't warn you... 1
casey.lives Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 i find that now that im older. Trust is more important to me. I can still work with mediocre sex .. unfortunately i just cannot work with minie penis. So i want to know the package and Trust the person before choosing to get serious. 1
Popsicle Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 I definitely develop feelings before having sex, and I like it that way, and prefer a man who does the same. However, if the sex is bad and has not improved after a few times trying, I will lose my feelings for them. I just need the sex part to be there as well. I am not interested in a purely sexual relationship in the least though, no matter how mind-blowing the sex is. 1
joseb Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 I think there was a similar thread last week but can't see it now. I'm one of those people that needs the sex to happen relatively early so that I can decide if this is a potential relationship. And if the sex isn't great, well...it's probably not going to go much further. People seem to misunderstand that this means expecting some kind of "performance" or skills in bed from the other person. It's not that at all - I need to feel that there is chemistry between us - it's got very little to do with technique, experience, performance, etc. I've had amazing sex with someone that has only had a couple of partners because we just clicked, and literally couldn't stop doing it from day one. I've had disappointing sex with experienced women that just don't really do it for me in bed. 3
siriusp Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 Oxytocin and all related feel-good sex hormones are indeed bonding. But if you don't date long enough to really get to know a person and blindly jump into physically bonding yourself to someone crazy, well. Don't say I didn't warn you... I think the OP found my thread elsewhere on this site..... But anyway - from my experience I do not bond with someone if the sex is bad. I will be polite and as kind as possible when leaving but I will not stay with someone like that. Sex is an important component in a relationship and if it doesn't work - move on and find someone it does work with. Also why wait and let the partner develop feelings for you if you are going to then hurt them when they are not compatible sexually? This has happened to me a few times when 'I waited'.... painful for both parties. 2
ZA Dater Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 In many ways I find the replies to this thread disturbing in terms of the utter importance placed on sex. Not really sure where they leaves people who have little or no sexual experience because based on the replies here if one isn't good its "goodbye" irrespective of how compatible they are. Extremely sad if that's indeed true and the replies here are representative of society as a whole.
siriusp Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 In many ways I find the replies to this thread disturbing in terms of the utter importance placed on sex. Not really sure where they leaves people who have little or no sexual experience because based on the replies here if one isn't good its "goodbye" irrespective of how compatible they are. Extremely sad if that's indeed true and the replies here are representative of society as a whole. I think it has absolutely nothing to do with experience. It has to do with compatibility. But that was already mentioned. Why is it sad that people know what they want? Not everybody has to be the same. Now that would be sad (and boring)! 2
todreaminblue Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 In many ways I find the replies to this thread disturbing in terms of the utter importance placed on sex. Not really sure where they leaves people who have little or no sexual experience because based on the replies here if one isn't good its "goodbye" irrespective of how compatible they are. Extremely sad if that's indeed true and the replies here are representative of society as a whole. i dont think they are representative...its a minute cross hatch section of people on loveshack compared to the rest of the world... ...sex is important to a relationship but if the relationship isnt there to begin with ...sex would be a defeatists band aid......there are many things important in a relationship and i believe for the whole...healthy relationships rely more on compassion compromise and understanding than the mechanics of sex..i dont think society should have a say on personal values or beliefs......we arent lemmings yet.........deb 1
ZA Dater Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 I think it has absolutely nothing to do with experience. It has to do with compatibility. But that was already mentioned. Why is it sad that people know what they want? Not everybody has to be the same. Now that would be sad (and boring)! The sad part is not what people want its the value attached to sex in the context of a relationship. 1
siriusp Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 The sad part if not what people want its the value attached to sex in the context of a relationship. Well people have different needs. Sex is not such an important component in a relationship for you relative to some people posing in this forum. Where is the problem? I really don't see why you (or anybody) would find that sad? 1
Popsicle Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 In many ways I find the replies to this thread disturbing in terms of the utter importance placed on sex. Not really sure where they leaves people who have little or no sexual experience because based on the replies here if one isn't good its "goodbye" irrespective of how compatible they are. Extremely sad if that's indeed true and the replies here are representative of society as a whole. I would give a man with little to no sexual experience more leeway, but honestly, sex is natural and really doesn't take that long to learn. It's more the chemistry that I think people are referring to. 4
ZA Dater Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 Well people have different needs. Sex is not such an important component in a relationship for you relative to some people posing in this forum. Where is the problem? I really don't see why you (or anybody) would find that sad? Yes, and the impression I get is sex is rated as one of the most important things in a relationship, which is basically saying over 30yo virgins like me may as well pack up and not bother to begin with because clearly we aren't going to compare to a guy who has been doing it since 16. My point is the thread title is misleading because if feelings are only built from sex, then that is disappointing. 1
siriusp Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 Yes, and the impression I get is sex is rated as one of the most important things in a relationship, which is basically saying over 30yo virgins like me may as well pack up and not bother to begin with because clearly we aren't going to compare to a guy who has been doing it since 16. My point is the thread title is misleading because if feelings are only built from sex, then that is disappointing. I think you are missing the point. It makes no difference if someone is a virgin or not. (Too be honest I don't like to think of my partners as having lots of partners before me). Experience is not chemistry or compatibility. That is something entirely different as far as I am concerned. I wouldn't have a problem with someone that has no experience. I would if he was not compatible with me. It's really simple.
Jj66 Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 Yes, and the impression I get is sex is rated as one of the most important things in a relationship, which is basically saying over 30yo virgins like me may as well pack up and not bother to begin with because clearly we aren't going to compare to a guy who has been doing it since 16. My point is the thread title is misleading because if feelings are only built from sex, then that is disappointing. Dude! It's about chemistry, not physics. You will learn the physics of sex soon enough. Also be aware that since everyone's body is different, you almost have to re-learn the physics of sex with every new partner. Being inexperienced is not an obstacle. Being hung up or unenthusiastic or having mismatched libidos can be. If being a virgin is bothering you so much and holding you back, just go have sex with someone even if you have to lower your standards or hire someone. 4
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