OldRover Posted September 17, 2015 Share Posted September 17, 2015 You need to have a behavior consultant work with your family. They can help you set up family rules and teach you and your husband to parent this young man consistently and fairly. However, if there is one thing you can do today that will work its non-contingent reinforcement (google it) you catch the lad being good and consistently offer praise, compliments and encouragement on a regular schedule. I would suggest every 30 minutes in your case. Focus on the good and before you know it this kid will love you and never want to let you down. Absolutely, and need your husband on board with this, without a doubt. He should put you first no matter what and back you up and help foster a respectful son to you. You should absolutely be no. 1 in his life. Link to post Share on other sites
Poppygoodwill Posted September 23, 2015 Share Posted September 23, 2015 I'm a stepmother and I sympathize with the reality that you do a whole lot of hard work and caring and being thoughtful and what you get in return can be underwhelming and you are always reminded in little ways - intentionally or not - that you're not the real mother. Not surprised you're wondering if it's worth it. But I think it's fair to say that your actual issue is with your husband; that's where you need to focus your energy. Sounds like if he managed things differently, you'd feel less like leaving. So it's not the fact of sometimes ungrateful SS, but the fact that you don't feel that your needs are being particularly well met in the marriage. Talk to your husband. Avoid talking about the SS at all so he can't blow you off as if it's a you vs him thing. Talk about time together, time to do things you love, time to follow your passions and dreams, the importance of building onto your family with more kids and pursuing that more aggressively if need be. THAT's what will make you happy, not leaving them both for the single life. Which, by the way, can be really overrated. :-) Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted September 23, 2015 Share Posted September 23, 2015 All these posts about making your husband parent differently - that is not likely to happen (though it is worth a try and some conversations.) But what struck me about your post is only feeling called to stay if you have a baby. Because I have friends in similar situations, and it seems to get worse after the new child comes. The step child has different rules, different expectations, and is treated differently (better by one parent, worse by the other.) The new child has to deal with all the custody stuff and anything the step-child's other parent is bringing into the house. Both children feel the stress and differences. The drama goes way up. Not saying nobody can be a step-parent then have a child with their spouse and have it work out. But since you are ALREADY having issues, having a baby won't fix those issues. It will make them worse. My thoughts? Since you are so unhappy and your clock is ticking, get out in time to meet someone else who will have a baby with you. Either that, or accept the situation as it is. Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted September 24, 2015 Share Posted September 24, 2015 It sounds like you are talking about a 4 year old, he's 12. Why can't you and your husband go out and do stuff without him? You think you need to hire a babysitter... guess what age babysitting starts at... 12! Leave him at home, go do the stuff you want with your husband. When I was 12 I didn't want to do anything but play Nintendo, I spent lots of time at home alone. If he's being a brat, unplug the xbox cable. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted September 24, 2015 Share Posted September 24, 2015 The kid needs to grow up and the father should take the lead. Set out rules and parameters and be strict. But also care for him and be sure he feels loved. Chances are he'll come around. Link to post Share on other sites
Elias33 Posted September 24, 2015 Share Posted September 24, 2015 Husband is dropping the ball on you. Can't blame the kid if he is allowed to act out. Do act though, speak up.... because you live with the concequences of how that kid is raised. Your husband allows the child to become between you and him and doesn't set boundaries involving respecting you. Unacceptable. So no, you are not being selfish, you are assertive, and in your situation that is highly appropiate. Link to post Share on other sites
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