Was She Lying to Me?

[Bo34]

So I went thru a recent breakup due to long-distance with my Ex of a 1yr and 6 months. We knew each other for 2 years.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/544783-does-nc-work-my-situation

 

I've been in NC since, and replayed the breakup in my head every stupid day I'm still hurting a lot and it's been 1 month. One of things that has bothered me is 2 of the things she said to me on that effin dark day, and I wanted to know if u guys think it may be true or if it;s full of bull****. Asides the distance factor in only being able to see one other once every 7-8 weeks, and her grad school studies coming in the way, she also said the following;

 

1) When I told her that distance shouldn't be the factor because we loved one another and had been together for a yr and half. That she'd be returning back after she finished school and she could still risk being single even if she decided to split up with me, she said something to the effect of; "I think your a great guy. My family and friends all love you and yes, I am fully aware of that. I know I can be well into my thirties and still be single and alone and I'm perfectly okay with that. I can live with that."

 

Mind you, this is coming from a girl who I've talked to about our future countless times before and she's always valued marriage and loves children. She's in her late twenties. So I was a bit taken back by that comment. Do you guys think she meant what she said or was it possibly a lie in breaking up with me?

 

2) When I asked her why she's breaking up with me, among the many reasons she gave me, one of them went something like this; "We don't live in the same city anymore and talking on the phone every other night and seeing one another every 2 months isn't good enough. I'm not as invested in this R/S as you any longer. I feel like I haven't really gotten to know you."

 

Now, this was the most shocking thing I heard that day. I don't know how she could feel that way because we shared many intimate moments. We'd known each other for awhile, have mutual friends, met each other families a few times, so how can she claim she didn't know me? I don't know if she truly meant that or she was just saying things. The thing is, she didn't have any one specific reason. Her reasonings were all over the place that day and looking back, I just felt like she just threw the kitchen sink at me and tried to get anything to stick so I would stop asking her questions. She wasn't hostile about it, but that's the vibe I got. Another weird thing is, I was so godamn shell-shocked that I couldn't even properly react to some of these comments made by her that day. Its like everything was a big blur and I froze.

Edited September 10, 2015 by Bo34

[Bo34]

Anyone? :/

[quattrob]

I don't think she lied to you, what she said was the truth.. perhaps not elaborated it well but when she said she feels like she haven't really gotten to know you, it means that it's a long distance thing and she can't do it any longer. It's just way different than having someone in the same city where you can see them anytime you want and feel safe/comfortable with because you know they are around.

 

 

It's no surprise that long distance relationships like yours don't usually last. It's just too hard when one of you don't love enough to keep it going. When she said you're a great guy and how everyone loved you, she's just letting you down gently/softly. You should learn to read between the lines, woman do it a lot, in fact people in general do that a lot because they think it makes it better.

 

 

Anyways I think this relationship is done, best to move on as she's clear that she's ok not being with you and being alone. Don't care what she said to you in the past because that's the past. Go with their actions now.

[Satu]

The specific reasons why she no longer wants to be in the relationship don't really matter. She might not even be clear about that herself.

 

What matters is that you regroup and adapt to your newly single status.

 

Given the choice, I think most people wouldn't choose a long distance relationship over one where the partner is actually physically present most of the time. Long distance relationships have a tendency to fizzle out, when one of the parties starts to realise how much is missing from the usual daily experience of being in a relationship.

 

Regroup and adapt.

[mightycpa]

I think that this sounds perfectly reasonable. The bottom line is that you seem to be perfectly content not having her next to you day after day. The great stuff you're missing is what her breath smells like in the AM, whether she takes 2 or 3 sugars in her coffee, and that funny little way she taps the cup twice before she takes a drink. You don't know if she's naturally messy or neat, and you don't know how often she changes her underwear. You have no idea if she folds her clothes hot out of the drier or if she lets them sit around for a day or two. Nor does she know these, nor countless other things, about you. Not only that, you can't see how she's changing, and she can't see how you're changing.

 

That's what she's talking about... the next level. Yes, you know a lot about each others' personalities, and you have a pretty good sense of the big issues. But she's missing the day-to-day interaction; she want's to really know you, and you don't see it. I'm not saying you're wrong about what's ok for you, but I am saying that this seems to be wrong for her, and she's told you as much.

 

She's not lying. You just don't think her perspective on this is valid, that's all. And the "gotcha" is that you just learned something new about her you didn't know... that proximity in a BF is very important to her. Maybe if you'd been around, you would have found that out under better circumstances.

 

Sorry dude. NC will work to make you feel better, but in this case, it will do nothing to make her miss you. You're just compounding the problem.

[Bo34]

I think that this sounds perfectly reasonable. The bottom line is that you seem to be perfectly content not having her next to you day after day. The great stuff you're missing is what her breath smells like in the AM, whether she takes 2 or 3 sugars in her coffee, and that funny little way she taps the cup twice before she takes a drink. You don't know if she's naturally messy or neat, and you don't know how often she changes her underwear. You have no idea if she folds her clothes hot out of the drier or if she lets them sit around for a day or two. Nor does she know these, nor countless other things, about you. Not only that, you can't see how she's changing, and she can't see how you're changing.

 

That's what she's talking about... the next level. Yes, you know a lot about each others' personalities, and you have a pretty good sense of the big issues. But she's missing the day-to-day interaction; she want's to really know you, and you don't see it. I'm not saying you're wrong about what's ok for you, but I am saying that this seems to be wrong for her, and she's told you as much.

 

She's not lying. You just don't think her perspective on this is valid, that's all. And the "gotcha" is that you just learned something new about her you didn't know... that proximity in a BF is very important to her. Maybe if you'd been around, you would have found that out under better circumstances.

 

Sorry dude. NC will work to make you feel better, but in this case, it will do nothing to make her miss you. You're just compounding the problem.

 

 

Thanks for the input, sir. I appreciate the wise words. I totally see what you're saying. I think I still feel delusional that it's actually over because she really did love me. I've done NC since. We made it work for a year and a half with no problems, (minimal arguments but overall, no real issues) so my biggest unsolved question was, why did it have to all of a sudden be an issue for her now??

 

So what you're saying is there's absolute no chance of her changing her mind several months from now because of the fact that this is long distance and that by itself defeats the purpose of the dumper missing you??

[quattrob]

Thanks for the input, sir. I appreciate the wise words. I totally see what you're saying. I think I still feel delusional that it's actually over because she really did love me. I've done NC since. We made it work for a year and a half with no problems, (minimal arguments but overall, no real issues) so my biggest unsolved question was, why did it have to all of a sudden be an issue for her now??

 

So what you're saying is there's absolute no chance of her changing her mind several months from now because of the fact that this is long distance and that by itself defeats the purpose of the dumper missing you??

 

 

 

There's a lot of truth in what mightycpa says in the previous post. It's not all of a sudden for her, she's been thinking about this for awhile now, it's long distance so it's even harder for you to tell what's been going through her mind. It's been an issue for awhile now, just that you found out when she wanted to break it off now.

 

 

She wants a BF like what mightycpa described. You can't offer that and she knows it. And I don't know about her loving you, when you love someone deeply (in a romantic/partner way) you would never even think about leaving or not having them be with you. The fact that she didn't want to continue this relationship with you speaks differently. If you loved someone you would do anything to be with that person. Sadly she doesn't love you the way you thought she does. You are definitely being alittle bit delusional here.

 

 

This is out of your control now.. especially because it's long distance, it's so much easier for her and you to break it off. Next time I suggest not doing long distance if you can't come up with a plan to move together sooner.. feelings will slowly fade if not enough effort and geographical progress has been made when it comes to Long distance. The whole point being in a relationship and with someone is for them to be there beside you, if you get what I mean.

[mightycpa]

So what you're saying is there's absolute no chance of her changing her mind several months from now because of the fact that this is long distance and that by itself defeats the purpose of the dumper missing you??

I think the way I'd say it is that when the problem is that you're not close, getting even less close is not going to help it. In her mind, the best she can hope for is where you were, which is not good enough. She's not coming back to you because she's already talked herself out of that option.

[Bo34]

She wants a BF like what mightycpa described. You can't offer that and she knows it. And I don't know about her loving you, when you love someone deeply (in a romantic/partner way) you would never even think about leaving or not having them be with you. The fact that she didn't want to continue this relationship with you speaks differently. If you loved someone you would do anything to be with that person. Sadly she doesn't love you the way you thought she does. You are definitely being alittle bit delusional here.

 

 

This is out of your control now.. especially because it's long distance, it's so much easier for her and you to break it off. Next time I suggest not doing long distance if you can't come up with a plan to move together sooner.. feelings will slowly fade if not enough effort and geographical progress has been made when it comes to Long distance. The whole point being in a relationship and with someone is for them to be there beside you, if you get what I mean.

 

Thank u for the advice quattrob. I appreciate it. I guess what I am trying to get at is, even though she loved me very much so before (I still frimly believe that with all my heart), you can also feel out of love and have those feelings go away. I think distance slowly contributed to her falling out of love with me. Although for me, that wasn't the case at all, but as we all know, love is a 2-Way street. We did agree on living together. We had that talk many times before as she was going to come back where I currently live in. She only left for school but when she broke up with me amongst the many reasons that we're all over the place, that too, was one of her reasons. She said she just doesn't know anymore where she'll end up in after she finishes school.

 

I,m fully aware that it's out of my control and I won't do anything unless she changes her mind, which is a long-shot.... Do u think there's any chance sometime in the future where she might, tho??

Edited September 10, 2015 by Bo34

[quattrob]

Thank u for the advice quattrob. I appreciate it. I guess what I am trying to get at is, even though she loved me very much so before (I still frimly believe that with all my heart), you can also feel out of love and have those feelings go away. I think distance slowly contributed to her falling out of love with me. Although for me, that wasn't the case at all, but as we all know, love is a 2-Way street. We did agree on living together. We had that talk many times before as she was going to come back where I currently live in. She only left for school but when she broke up with me amongst the many reasons that we're all over the place, that too, was one of her reasons. She said she just doesn't know anymore where she'll end up in after she finishes school.

 

I,m fully aware that it's out of my control and I won't do anything unless she changes her mind, which is a long-shot.... Do u think there's any chance sometime in the future where she might, tho??

 

 

 

Right now things are still fresh in your mind so it's understandable that you're still clinging on to hope for another chance or possibility with her. But like I said in a lot of my posts, it's foolish to wait for someone or something that isn't sure about what they want and certainly foolish to wait for maybes and ifs/buts... Life is too valuable to waste your time on that.

[Liono84]

Man oh man, I went through such a similar breakup too. LDR and an abrupt ending a month and a half ago. I was crushed but eventually I let it go. I still think about her everyday, but it's less and less, and that feeling of holding onto hope of her contacting me is completely gone. Once that's gone, you will heal much faster!

 

There's no way you'll find out what her real reasons are. She could be telling the truth like many of the posters said on this thread, but then again, girls are far better liars than men, so there could be a guy in the picture. But in the end, it doesn't matter. The why is not important because what's done is done.

 

I wouldn't necessarily say there's no chance. If she's single and a few more months go bye, you can hear from her again, that is if she had strong feelings for you and starts to feel empty, but DO NOT hold your breath. Move on and hopefully you'll find someone better.

Edited September 11, 2015 by Liono84

[Bo34]

Right now things are still fresh in your mind so it's understandable that you're still clinging on to hope for another chance or possibility with her. But like I said in a lot of my posts, it's foolish to wait for someone or something that isn't sure about what they want and certainly foolish to wait for maybes and ifs/buts... Life is too valuable to waste your time on that.

 

Ur right. I think Im fooling myself in thinking that ive moved on when im clinging on to hope that shes gna come back to me. Hopefully this is just a stage. It just hurts so much because I was planning on proposing to her next yr. Weve known each other for 2 yrs and were both from same city.

 

Man oh man, I went through such a similar breakup too. LDR and an abrupt ending a month and a half ago. I was crushed but eventually I let it go. I still think about her everyday, but it's less and less, and that feeling of holding onto hope of her contacting me is completely gone. Once that's gone, you will heal much faster!

 

There's no way you'll find out what her real reasons are. She could be telling the truth like many of the posters said on this thread, but then again, girls are far better liars than men, so there could be a guy in the picture. But in the end, it doesn't matter. The why is not important because what's done is done.

 

I wouldn't necessarily say there's no chance. If she's single and a few more months go bye, you can hear from her again, that is if she had strong feelings for you and starts to feel empty, but DO NOT hold your breath. Move on and hopefully you'll find someone better.

 

How do you make the transition from accepting it's over to reaching the conclusion your Dumper will never contact you again? I just cant make that leap and everytime i even think of that, i start getting a panic attack and have this insane pain run through me. I still have troubles with the breakup and its been a month! =(

[Liono84]

How do you make the transition from accepting it's over to reaching the conclusion your Dumper will never contact you again? I just cant make that leap and everytime i even think of that, i start getting a panic attack and have this insane pain run through me. I still have troubles with the breakup and its been a month! =(

 

You have to accept the reality you're in right now. It's over. You can't change anything about it. So let her go and move on.

 

Look man, I'm not going to say long-distance relationships are all doomed to fail like soooo many people on this board profess/preach. That's Bull****! I've had several friends who have married their significant others and they either started out as LDR or went through a LDR for an extended period of time during grad school. They're all in their late twenties/early thirties. It's definitely not easy, because you both have to love one another deeply and have a deep understanding of trust/loyalty/commitment. Most couples can't make it work because one, or the other, or both will eventually give in. But it is still do-able if you have two committed people who have all those intangibles and reach an mutually agreed upon expiration date where they decide they'll be living in the same city.

 

Is it completely over for you? No. That being said, you have to treat the situation like it is, because you can't waste your time hedging life on the "What if's". And trust me, once you finally let go of that hope she contacts you, you'll heal so much faster.

Edited September 11, 2015 by Liono84

[NoLeafClover]

She got her eyes on another guy.