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Does NC work in my situation?

Bo34

By Bo34
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Bo34 Established Member

Bo34

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Hello Loveshack,

 

I am brand new to the board. My ex broke up with my last week when she came down to visit because she said she couldn't handle the LDR anymore. She's said it's strictly cuz of the distance and nothing else. I tried to persuade her on how we could still work it out and that this was only temporary but she woudln't budge..... She has family where I live in and wee're both in our mid/late twenties. We were in a long distance relationship for a year and a half. I live in San Francisco and she lives in Boston for school for the time being. We saw each other every 2 months on average and talked practically everyday.

 

I'm pretty sad and devastated by this breakup. I did see some slight signs the past month since our convos were much shorter and she was more busy to initiate but still, I would;ve never guessed this in a million years. I've been depressed all week, and have trouble sleeping for a week now. I loved her very much. I know people say NC is the only way to go, but in my situation does it work??? My hopes are for her to eventually contact me back in order to reconcile but I'm afraid that if I follow the NC advice it's just going to make it worse because it's out of sight, out of mind. So does NC work in my specefic situation where the couples are not in the same cirty?

 

I would appreciate any advice.

Thanks guys.

Edited by Bo34
Learningtowalkagain Established Member

Learningtowalkagain

Posted
Posted

NC isn't for reconciliation, it's to help you heal and move on after the relationship is over.

 

None of us knows her so you're asking an impossible question for any of us to answer.

 

If she's the one who ended it and you tried reasoning with her (unsucessfully) then she's probably done. Don't beg and plead (I hope you haven't already) because that will just push her further away. Keep your dignity.

 

San Francisco is a beautiful city packed with beautiful women. You shouldn't have much trouble finding someone else.

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Bo34 Established Member

Bo34

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NC isn't for reconciliation, it's to help you heal and move on after the relationship is over.

 

None of us knows her so you're asking an impossible question for any of us to answer.

 

If she's the one who ended it and you tried reasoning with her (unsucessfully) then she's probably done. Don't beg and plead (I hope you haven't already) because that will just push her further away. Keep your dignity.

 

San Francisco is a beautiful city packed with beautiful women. You shouldn't have much trouble finding someone else.

 

I didn't beg and plead about it but I did try to reason with her that we could work this out. I asked her to be honest and if she still had feelings for me and she said yes, and then i said if she still had feeling for me we could still work it out. But it was clear she had already made up her mind awhile ago. I kept my emotions in check when we met face to face, but when I came home I just balled out crying.

 

I know NC helsps you heal, but mentally, right now I 'm just at a place where I just want her to come back. She said several times that she wants to still be friends but I told her I coudln't do that. I've deleted her number and defriended her on Facebook but looking back I have moments where I regret doing so because I feel like at least if I remained in touch, it would increase my chances on winning her back rathar than going NC especially considering when someones 3000 miles away.

Edited by Bo34
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aloneinaz Established Member

aloneinaz

Posted
Posted

 

I know NC helsps you heal, but mentally, right now I 'm just at a place where I just want her to come back. I've deleted her number and defriended her on Facebook so there's no way I'll call/text/message her unless she does it first..[/QUOTE]

 

 

Good job in defriending her. You should consider blocking her as well. You don't need to see what her or any of her friends are posting. You defriended them as well, yes?

 

 

NC is for you to heal. Read the thread in this section. While I know it hurts, you should really start to feel better in no time. It's much harder for folks who see there significant others each day. In your case, you only saw her every couple of weeks.

 

 

As mentioned by the other posters, you need to move forward w/not engaging w/her any longer so you can heal. While this outcome isn't what you wanted, it sounds like you can benefit from it by meeting someone that lives where you do and can see them through the week.

 

 

Keep your head up. If you stay NC, you will heal the fastest.

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Bo34 Established Member

Bo34

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aloneinaz

"Good job in defriending her. You should consider blocking her as well. You don't need to see what her or any of her friends are posting. You defriended them as well, yes?"

 

 

 

 

Yes, I defriended all of her friends I met of hers. It wasn't hard for me because there's no way I could cope with seeing any pictures of her.

 

Right now, I'm just conflicted. I'm grieving really bad. I'm a pretty emiotional guy so it doesn't help me. Part of me hates her and part of me has these moments where I think to myself that maybe if I just swallowed the friend pill as she suggested, my odds of winning her back would be much better than going NC, since we are 3000 miles away.

Edited by Bo34
mightycpa Established Member

mightycpa

Posted
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It's the only way to go. If you stay in touch, you'll torture yourself and become devalued in her eyes. You need to accept that part of her reason must be that she needs a local boyfriend, to date, to touch, to be close to, to do things with, and to ****. That is essentially what she's told you.

 

How long is temporary? A couple more years? She's running out of time. If she moves back, then you can try then, and take the temperature of the thing.

 

But you must be prepared that she'll find someone willing to marry her during this time. That's why you can't "wait" for her.

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Gus Grimly Established Member

Gus Grimly

Posted
Posted
I'm pretty sad and devastated by this breakup.

Yes, it does. Going NC is your best weapon to remove the effects of devastation. Allowing the source of your pain through only brings a second helping of it. I broke NC and paid the price for the information I wanted. I got the info, but my Ex also humiliated me. In the end didn't really heal me. The only thing I was clear on at that point was my Ex's horrible character.

 

Try your best not to break NC. I found it makes you weaker and gives her strength. :sick:

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Bo34 Established Member

Bo34

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It's the only way to go. If you stay in touch, you'll torture yourself and become devalued in her eyes. You need to accept that part of her reason must be that she needs a local boyfriend, to date, to touch, to be close to, to do things with, and to ****. That is essentially what she's told you.

 

How long is temporary? A couple more years? She's running out of time. If she moves back, then you can try then, and take the temperature of the thing.

 

But you must be prepared that she'll find someone willing to marry her during this time. That's why you can't "wait" for her.

 

MightyCpa: That's all very true, but the part that I don't get is how it was perfectly find for a year and a half and now, all of a sudden things had to change and it became an issue. She never once communicated to me that this was becoming a problem. It wasn't as though she had several years left and she never once mentioned to me that she might stay there or asked me if I'd be willing to move there. So the whole thing, stinks.

 

Yes, it does. Going NC is your best weapon to remove the effects of devastation. Allowing the source of your pain through only brings a second helping of it. I broke NC and paid the price for the information I wanted. I got the info, but my Ex also humiliated me. In the end didn't really heal me. The only thing I was clear on at that point was my Ex's horrible character.

 

Try your best not to break NC. I found it makes you weaker and gives her strength. :sick:

 

GusGrimly: Damit, sorry to hear that. This is definitely motivating me to stick to NC. I've done a lot of grieving over the past week. Every day haass been filled w.moments of breakdown. I've been having trouble sleeping every night, and I can't even focus on work when I go. I can honestly say I resally HATEEE her in so many ways for what she did. She blindsided me in the worst way. I know ppl naturally brush off when they hear the woords LDR, but we were very attracted to one another and had great chemisstry. Talked practcally every day since we started dating a year and a half ago.. We visted one another once evert 2 months for a week at a time. Another side note, we we're both Korean-American so we shared a lot of same culture and both had been to each others parents house. I guess, I have to heal first, but I'd be lying to myself if i said i wouldnt take her back w/ her if she ever contacted me.

Edited by Bo34
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Liono84 Established Member

Liono84

Posted
Posted (edited)

Hey man, you're going about this the wrong way!! Let it go, dude. Anytime a dumper says they want to still be in touch with you and remain friends, it's their way of softening the blow. That is all!!! I don't even think they truly expect the dumpee to do so, it's just their way of lessening their guilt. It's more for their own selfish reasons than anything else. They don't want to have a guilty conscious.

 

 

First and foremost, you have to do NC in order to heal and get your dignity and balls back. Once the dust settles, you'll analyze the situation from a different viewpoint.

 

 

I wouldn't cling on to any hope that she contacts you back, but if that's what you're hoping for, than NC, even in a LDR is better than being friends. If you go NC, than you will look better in her eyes. She will never respect you and value you if you choose to remain in touch as friends.

Edited by Liono84
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aloneinaz Established Member

aloneinaz

Posted
Posted

Bo,

 

 

If it's been a year and a half of LDR, there's a strong chance she has meet someone where she is. She then ended your relationship to focus on this new person. Don't lose sight of that possibility either.

 

 

As CPA stated, you both need people that live in your town so you can see each other a few times a week. I flat can't see nor could I ever do a LDR. I have to see, touch, smell and feel the significant other on a frequent basis. This is why so many marriages fail in the military. The person gets deployed for 6 months or a year. The person at home gets lonely and misses having someone in the life on a daily basis.

 

 

You guys are both young. Find someone new to have a R/S that's in your town.

organizedchaos Established Member

organizedchaos

Posted
Posted

 

aloneinaz

"Good job in defriending her. You should consider blocking her as well. You don't need to see what her or any of her friends are posting. You defriended them as well, yes?"

 

 

 

 

Yes, I defriended all of her friends I met of hers. It wasn't hard for me because there's no way I could cope with seeing any pictures of her.

 

Right now, I'm just conflicted. I'm grieving really bad. I'm a pretty emiotional guy so it doesn't help me. Part of me hates her and part of me has these moments where I think to myself that maybe if I just swallowed the friend pill as she suggested, my odds of winning her back would be much better than going NC, since we are 3000 miles away.

 

You will NEVER win her back this way. SHE must come to the conclusion that she made a mistake and miss you. Sadly, being LD, that won't be hard since you guys already spend so much time apart.

 

Find someone locally you can build a real relationship with.

organizedchaos Established Member

organizedchaos

Posted
Posted
MightyCpa: That's all very true, but the part that I don't get is how it was perfectly find for a year and a half and now, all of a sudden things had to change and it became an issue. She never once communicated to me that this was becoming a problem. It wasn't as though she had several years left and she never once mentioned to me that she might stay there or asked me if I'd be willing to move there. So the whole thing, stinks.

 

Because she met someone else who doesn't live 3k miles away and she can see every day. Did you ever think that's why she suddenly changed?

 

 

GusGrimly: Damit, sorry to hear that. This is definitely motivating me to stick to NC. I've done a lot of grieving over the past week. Every day haass been filled w.moments of breakdown. I've been having trouble sleeping every night, and I can't even focus on work when I go. I can honestly say I resally HATEEE her in so many ways for what she did. She blindsided me in the worst way. I know ppl naturally brush off when they hear the woords LDR, but we were very attracted to one another and had great chemisstry. Talked practcally every day since we started dating a year and a half ago.. We visted one another once evert 2 months for a week at a time. Another side note, we we're both Korean-American so we shared a lot of same culture and both had been to each others parents house. I guess, I have to heal first, but I'd be lying to myself if i said i wouldnt take her back w/ her if she ever contacted me.

 

Dude, we've all been there. We know what you're going through. And all of us have made the mistakes we're trying to help you avoid. Nothing about this is u unique. Everyonehas great chemistry. Everyone talks everyday. Everyone has so many things in common. And them BLAM, it's over and you had no idea. Same thing happened to me. But you WILL meet someone better, if you allow the natural process of grieving and NC to happen.

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