Sudden 5 day no contact break?!?

[Redhead14]

Thanks for the thoughts so far, so an update.

 

I get texted this evening from her, a smidgen earlier than deadline with a "How are you? Thinking of you," We exchange a slightly muted, but still cheerful series of texts, ~20 of them, about our respective weeks.

 

I shared a card I wrote her, and things settle down to she wants to come to my house for lunch tomorrow with the following "...goal is to allow our hearts to decide what happens over the next stages for our rel., not our minds or bodies."

 

The closing texts were even more warm and loving.

 

So here is the enigma, sure I can accept a "no sex," meeting to cool off and evaluate, no problem, but the language of it, so formal, so strategic. I

maintain my position: my heart has strong feelings for her, they are just not

trusted or perceived completely by her (she believes I lacked or lack emotion).

Any advice as to how to handle things tomorrow? Anyone ever heard

anything like it?

 

 

Whew!

 

You let her talk first. She called for the break. You don't want to pre empt anything she might be thinking. I did not get the sense that it was about her feelings for you, just that she was somehow offended by something you said or she thought you mean't and needed to collect herself. You just don't know for sure whats been going on in her head since then.

 

The thing you need to pay attention to now if, if she indeed has a fear of intimacy, she will do this kind of thing often or at least occasionally. If she has fear of intimacy, she will at times become overloaded at times whenever a move toward a deeper connection does occur. They pull away to regroup and then come back stronger for awhile. Just watch for that. It is a very difficult thing for a partner to be pushed away. When it happens often, it causes pain.

 

If its a one time thing, no big deal. Just be receptive when you meet and listen first.

[Hyperfocal]

Redhead,

Thanks. Your thoughts match my thoughts, calm, open mind and heart, listen... So I ask, am I the rebound? She left a guy out of state that was an intense 3 year live in, around 9 months ago, dated a bit, never got past 5th date with any other men since. There is some "Rebound magic," that seems so prevalent it concerns me.

 

Does fear of intimacy, in your estimation, grow out with time? Hey the 2nd date she met me at an isolated boat dock to go rowing, other signs indicate that she is very trusting of me from early on. Even our meetup tomorrow, at my rural house, instead of a public place. Trust does not equal acceptance of intimacy I guess? thankfully I am gentle as a lamb, but her trust seems quite liberally dispensed eh? Trust is a big turn on for me, something hormonal I think, it means a lot to me.

 

I am the patient type, yet I am trying to prevent getting super attached, over years, then having to let this one go then. The elements of compatibility and attraction are, whew! up there, otherwise I'd have cleared this mess myself.

[Redhead14]

Redhead,

Thanks. Your thoughts match my thoughts, calm, open mind and heart, listen... So I ask, am I the rebound? She left a guy out of state that was an intense 3 year live in, around 9 months ago, dated a bit, never got past 5th date with any other men since. There is some "Rebound magic," that seems so prevalent it concerns me.

 

Does fear of intimacy, in your estimation, grow out with time? Hey the 2nd date she met me at an isolated boat dock to go rowing, other signs indicate that she is very trusting of me from early on. Even our meetup tomorrow, at my rural house, instead of a public place. Trust does not equal acceptance of intimacy I guess? thankfully I am gentle as a lamb, but her trust seems quite liberally dispensed eh? Trust is a big turn on for me, something hormonal I think, it means a lot to me.

 

I am the patient type, yet I am trying to prevent getting super attached, over years, then having to let this one go then. The elements of compatibility and attraction are, whew! up there, otherwise I'd have cleared this mess myself.

 

It's hard to say whether you are a rebound guy really. Because if she does have a fear of intimacy, every guy would be a rebound guy.

 

It's early for you with her. Set a time limit for yourself. Three months maybe. Just relax. Don't over think. Deal with whats on your plate at the time, each day as it comes now. This is one time where I'd say let her lead at little bit for a while. See what hapoens when you see her tomorrow.

[road]

You may be dating a woman who is emotionally abusive. If you feel like you're dealing with emotional crazymaking - not sure what you did wrong, afraid to make the "wrong" move - you are likely right.

 

Pay attention to your gut feeling. This woman may be lots of trouble and bad for you.

 

 

Push the dump button on this GF.

[newmoon]

if her perception of you is as unemotional that is going to be a bugger to change, if it even can. it'll come up again and again, even if it gets tabled here and there. it'll be the reason she gives for eventually stepping away. calling someone unemotional, or thinking of them that way, you start to see everything they do as confirming your suspicions. it doesn't sound like you're the one for her... perhaps she needs more time, introspection, etc. to figure out who and what she needs. you might get it back on track for a while, but i don't think this is gonna last too long.

[Redhead14]

Redhead,

Thanks. Your thoughts match my thoughts, calm, open mind and heart, listen... So I ask, am I the rebound? She left a guy out of state that was an intense 3 year live in, around 9 months ago, dated a bit, never got past 5th date with any other men since. There is some "Rebound magic," that seems so prevalent it concerns me.

 

Does fear of intimacy, in your estimation, grow out with time? Hey the 2nd date she met me at an isolated boat dock to go rowing, other signs indicate that she is very trusting of me from early on. Even our meetup tomorrow, at my rural house, instead of a public place. Trust does not equal acceptance of intimacy I guess? thankfully I am gentle as a lamb, but her trust seems quite liberally dispensed eh? Trust is a big turn on for me, something hormonal I think, it means a lot to me.

 

I am the patient type, yet I am trying to prevent getting super attached, over years, then having to let this one go then. The elements of compatibility and attraction are, whew! up there, otherwise I'd have cleared this mess myself.

 

Fear of intimacy has nothing to do with "Superficial" trust meaning whether or not she trusts you ebough to be alone with you, it is about emotional connection. Usually, there is something about themselves that they dont want anyone to know or understand. In their minds, Intimacy is spelled "Into Me See" . If she does have a fear of intimacy, its a very deep thing. Trust involves so much more than I think even you realize now that you've said this.

[Versacehottie]

Somehow I DON'T think you are the rebound guy. It wouldn't really do you much good to believe that you are, would it? It will just undermine your confidence and add another layer of overthinking. Even her comment doesn't sound like something you would say to a rebound guy.

 

At 9 months out and if redhead is correct a fear of intimacy, a rebound guy is not really something she would have. I think you're the real thing.

[Redhead14]

Somehow I DON'T think you are the rebound guy. It wouldn't really do you much good to believe that you are, would it? It will just undermine your confidence and add another layer of overthinking. Even her comment doesn't sound like something you would say to a rebound guy.

 

At 9 months out and if redhead is correct a fear of intimacy, a rebound guy is not really something she would have. I think you're the real thing.

 

It too soon to tell if he is the real thing. In fact, it is unlikely but not impossible. He needs to observe for a while.

[Hyperfocal]

Other tidbits, she is very into displays of affection in public, I took a bit to warm up to it, I've gotten to appreciate it. Just putting that out there if related.

 

Once she was at the house, end of weekend together, suddenly gives a hug and nice "I am socially exhausted, have to leave to recharge..." story. No further delay the next week though.

 

If there is a...

In their minds, Intimacy is spelled "Into Me See" <-(Brilliant thought there!)

... problem I haven't gotten "dark secret," vibes, but have gotten vibes about abusive ex: she has done so much study and self help, that despite great personal progress, we all may be guilty until proven innocent. I also have shared with her my concern that she moves for careers, I am not portable, getting hints she's not going to run, but geo-changes have happened a few times.

 

It's not like she's married, STD'd, her career and education are quite prestigious.

 

Fear of intimacy: A month back she asked my advice on her friend's rel problems. I detailed fear of intimacy as a consideration, I did so with great detail partially because I wanted her to hear it spelled out clearly but as a hint, I suspected it then in her. So when is it kosher to tell her directly that I fear that she has this... lets work to learn more about it as a possiblity... etc? I imagine it can turn hostile.

[cif]

Wow. You're analyzing every detail of your contact with this woman. I'm exhausted just reading this thread. Do you not think this is too much for a 9 week young relationship?

[ExpatInItaly]

Wow. You're analyzing every detail of your contact with this woman. I'm exhausted just reading this thread. Do you not think this is too much for a 9 week young relationship?

 

I was just about to say this.

 

OP, relax a bit. Telling her she has a fear of intimacy (if she in fact does) is not likely going to be received well, especially so early on. You don't know her well enough yet to be making conclusions like that. Stop over-thinking things and pushing for resolutions. I realize you're trying to make sense of her behaviour, but you're going to drain yourself before the relationship even has time to grow. See what the next few weeks bring, and then re-assess if she is right for you.

[Redhead14]

Other tidbits, she is very into displays of affection in public, I took a bit to warm up to it, I've gotten to appreciate it. Just putting that out there if related.

 

Once she was at the house, end of weekend together, suddenly gives a hug and nice "I am socially exhausted, have to leave to recharge..." story. No further delay the next week though.

 

If there is a... ... problem I haven't gotten "dark secret," vibes, but have gotten vibes about abusive ex: she has done so much study and self help, that despite great personal progress, we all may be guilty until proven innocent. I also have shared with her my concern that she moves for careers, I am not portable, getting hints she's not going to run, but geo-changes have happened a few times.

 

It's not like she's married, STD'd, her career and education are quite prestigious.

 

Fear of intimacy: A month back she asked my advice on her friend's rel problems. I detailed fear of intimacy as a consideration, I did so with great detail partially because I wanted her to hear it spelled out clearly but as a hint,

I suspected it then in her. So when is it kosher to tell her directly that I fear

that she has this... lets work to learn more about it as a possiblity... etc? I

imagine it can turn hostile.

 

It would be very dicey to tell her that because if she does have fear of intimacy, she will resent you for seeing into her so deeply. It is not really clear yet that she does though. She has exhibited only one real sign so far. It would not be anything like what you mentioned in terms of "secrets". It may not even be anything that you and I would feel should be a secret necessarily. Most of the time its about not liking yourself very much. A damaged ego usually. Its a very deep emotional thing. It would actually be inappropriate for you to mention anything until you've known her for quite some time.

 

Let this "theory" sit for a while. Just enjoy your time with her.

[clam]

Honestly, she sounds a bit flaky. And you are WAY over analyzing everything.

 

Therapy at 9 weeks? A five-day, no contact break to think? "Rules" for No Sex during your next meeting? Time to put a fork in this. Way to much drama for this early stage.

[katiegrl]

Honestly, she sounds a bit flaky.

 

 

***And you are WAY over analyzing everything.***

 

 

Therapy at 9 weeks? A five-day, no contact break to think? "Rules" for No Sex during your next meeting? Time to put a fork in this. Way to much drama for this early stage.

 

^^This.

 

I also think your self-proclaimed *emotional* limitations are causing you to over-intellectualize this entire situation.

 

I dated a guy like that for a little while, and it was completely exhausting.

 

Try to get out of your head if you can. Exercise, do yoga, go for a run.

 

Anything to relax your thoughts.

 

You will drive her crazy (if you haven't already) --- which may be why she needed 5 days NC in the first place.

[S2B]

I guess today would be the day when she re enters the scene.

 

I wouldn't be anxious to see her again...she seems to be emotional and unable to talk through her feelings clearly.

 

Any person that runs away when something needs discussing isn't worth chasing.

 

She will always make you feel that you have to bend to make her happy - which may not be possible.

 

HER happiness comes from HER, not you.

[katiegrl]

You

Ahh, so we went exclusive after 8 days or so. She is very sweet and loving normally, there is clinical depression/anxiety at her end. I find her to be one of the few who treats that dep-anxiety in a multifaceted manner (effective meds, yoga, meditation, 2 friend groups, reading) she really does everything creative and right, thus allowing her symptoms to be minimal. When she's been off (forgot pills, mix of stress causes) it's never delusional, but arrogant, so rare I deal with it, no biggie.

 

 

Sure. Me: "I hear what you say, emotions are like a bell curve I am a bit left and improving, you are either central or a bit right. Since we are both not defiantly at the extremes I think we are in a good place to accept and improve. You know I've had some very emotional and in some cases broken friends, I appreciate them, comparatively you emotion is healthy."

 

Her (after a bit): "Offended about the bell curve talk... do you feel you are better than emotional people, I feel disrespected? Are you comparing me to them? (some people I've mentored who are emotional and indeed troubled)

 

Me: Re-state with clarity... and "No I am not better than emotional people, you are not emotionally excessive, your normally just right. You feel I am unemotional, and I admit my past, yet you should know, even my eyes leak from time to time."

 

Her: "Oh don't cry (I didn't on the phone), nothing like this, we'll reconvene on Monday. A small part of this might be me, having come out of a rough relationship..."

 

Summary: Some statements by her suggested this is not the end, just time off. Nothing I said or implied was outside of the lines of understanding that I am improving, and have been emo distant, and I am thankful for her role in my life. Wow, the whole disrespect think gets me in a loop.

 

You know I have to be honest ...in reading the details of your conversation (posted above), in addition to your posts here, IMO it sounds like you have a bit of a superiority complex.

 

Her issue may not (and imo probably is not) a fear of intimacy at all.

 

She just may be tired (emotionally) and turned off by what appears to be (again jmo) your over-intellectual, over-analytical and somewhat condescending attitude.

 

Nine weeks of this and she needs a break!

Edited September 7, 2015 by katiegrl

[S2B]

And anyone dating that disappears over a long, holiday weekend (by suddenly picking a fight with no reason) would make me suspicious.

 

I'd bet money she made other plans with someone and didn't want to tell you.

[Hyperfocal]

I also think your self-proclaimed *emotional* limitations are causing you to over-intellectualize this entire situation...and it was completely exhausting.

I do it on the forum, in real life I am a variety of normal thoughts, nope, I don't talk her into analytical exhaustion, although it might seem like it!

----------

 

So... She comes over, we eat at my house, we walk in the park, she's gone within an hour. She seems semi nervous, but very into hug&kiss. When getting to drop me off by car, she gets more nervous, steps out, tells me she has to go, gives a long hug&kiss, and drives off. I did say "when you're ready to see me again let me know," She said "You too." She was too nervous for me to invite in for a real talk, I let her drive off.

 

Something tells me that within 4 hours I need to get the email below out to her. In fairness to me, I am patient, but I cannot be fed zero information indefinitely while watching her love over me and boil at alternating moments.

 

Email draft below:

---------------------

Hey ****,

Glad we were able to meet today. I felt very content in your presence today as I usually do. While I was interested in talking about our relationship, I realize that time separated us. Let me be clear: "I have consistent and strong feelings of love for you." You are a great person in many respects Along with that love, I am interested in continuing things between us if we can have a conversation, understand if either of us needs to adapt, and speculate on where we see us heading.

 

You emailed me the following 6 weeks ago: "If you are angry with me, will I ever know it? Or will it be the kind of thing where I only find out when you're gone? Remember I'm trainable... but you have to let me know what you need!" ****(name), I am not angry, but I am letting you know what I need = communication, just want to talk about this, even an email if it's easier for you. I also want you to be comfortable.

 

Love,

 

****

-----------------

 

 

So folks, I am gradually losing patience but not love... Ideas on this email draft? Thanks.

[katiegrl]

And anyone dating that disappears over a long, holiday weekend (by suddenly picking a fight with no reason) would make me suspicious.

 

I'd bet money she made other plans with someone and didn't want to tell you.

 

Thinking the same thing.

 

It is not that complicated, and certainly does not warrant all this analysis of her behavior, etc.

 

She's emotionally exhausted, needs a break, and as such made other plans with someone else for the long holiday weekend.

 

Someone less intense, less intellectual, who doesn't attempt to psycho-analyze her behavior assigning terms like "fear of intimacy" after only nine weeks of knowing her, which in the grand scheme of things, is NOTHING.

 

Again, jmo.

 

Good luck though...hope it works out the way you want.

[S2B]

I do it on the forum, in real life I am a variety of normal thoughts, nope, I don't talk her into analytical exhaustion, although it might seem like it!

----------

 

So... She comes over, we eat at my house, we walk in the park, she's gone within an hour. She seems semi nervous, but very into hug&kiss. When getting to drop me off by car, she gets more nervous, steps out, tells me she has to go, gives a long hug&kiss, and drives off. I did say "when you're ready to see me again let me know," She said "You too." She was too nervous for me to invite in for a real talk, I let her drive off.

 

Something tells me that within 4 hours I need to get the email below out to her. In fairness to me, I am patient, but I cannot be fed zero information indefinitely while watching her love over me and boil at alternating moments.

 

Email draft below:

---------------------

Hey ****,

Glad we were able to meet today. I felt very content in your presence today as I usually do. While I was interested in talking about our relationship, I realize that time separated us. Let me be clear: "I have consistent and strong feelings of love for you." You are a great person in many respects Along with that love, I am interested in continuing things between us if we can have a conversation, understand if either of us needs to adapt, and speculate on where we see us heading.

 

You emailed me the following 6 weeks ago: "If you are angry with me, will I ever know it? Or will it be the kind of thing where I only find out when you're gone? Remember I'm trainable... but you have to let me know what you need!" ****(name), I am not angry, but I am letting you know what I need = communication, just want to talk about this, even an email if it's easier for you. I also want you to be comfortable.

 

Love,

 

****

-----------------

 

 

So folks, I am gradually losing patience but not love... Ideas on this email draft? Thanks.

 

Do not send it!

 

Why aren't you talking face to face?

 

And why are you rewarding her bad behavior with telling her you love her? She just ignored you for 5 days. Do not profess love when she went dark on you. She COULD have stayed present and talked it through - but she didn't.

 

 

I'd tell her that her way of dealing with adversity is inadequate when she runs away to hide while there's things to talk through.

 

Being with someone who is emotionally bankrupt is taxing and exhausting! Why didn't you two talk about it today?

[katiegrl]

Just read your update. Her leaving within one hour is NOT good!!!

 

Please do not send that text.

 

Let her breathe!!!!!

[Hyperfocal]

Being with someone who is emotionally bankrupt is taxing and exhausting! Why didn't you two talk about it today?

 

I started with small talk, as that faded she was getting more nervous, but still loving and such. She ended up in a really tense state I'd call crisis mode, missed a turn in the car, I could tell, nothing "conversant," was going to happen at that point.

 

S2B, so about the email and love. You say can the "love" word, I consider that that might drive her into armour mode if I don't, eh? Catch 22?

[katiegrl]

Do not send it!

 

Why aren't you talking face to face?

 

And why are you rewarding her bad behavior with telling her you love her? She just ignored you for 5 days. Do not profess love when she went dark on you. She COULD have stayed present and talked it through - but she didn't.

 

 

I'd tell her that her way of dealing with adversity is inadequate when she runs away to hide while there's things to talk through.

 

Being with someone who is emotionally bankrupt is taxing and exhausting! Why didn't you two talk about it today?

 

They did talk in person, but she left after an hour....

 

One hour is all she could take apparently. She is completely turned off.

 

Let this one go OP....sounds like she is done.

 

Sorry.

[katiegrl]

I started with small talk, as that faded she was getting more nervous, but still loving and such. She ended up in a really tense state I'd call crisis mode, missed a turn in the car, I could tell, nothing "conversant," was going to happen at that point.

 

S2B, so about the email and love. You say can the "love" word, I consider that that might drive her into armour mode if I don't, eh? Catch 22?

 

She was nervous because she is hiding something .....probably what she did this weekend.

 

That combined with she is on her way out.

 

Why are you hanging on to this so tightly?

 

Emotionally and intellectually, you are completely incompatible.

[clam]

Yikes. One hour together after a 5 day break?

 

She is interested in someone else. Someone who isn't exhausting her and analyzing every word that comes out of her mouth. Her earlier email to you indicates that she sees you as a poor communicator, and she does not want to get caught up in that trap.

 

Do not use the word "love." Do not send that email.

 

Move on. And lighten up. People just want to have some fun in a new relationship. Not psychoanalysis and the suggestion of couples counseling.

 

I think she is running for the hills.