15 year anniversary tomorrow and...

[TrustedthenBusted]

TrustedthenBusted,

 

Myself, I think you over reacted. At some point bringing up the affair, is just piling on. One of the things my wife and I agreed to, was that I would not bring up her infidelity for different issues or when fighting. In other words, I would fight fair, about things going on at the time. On the whole this has worked well for us. If we do forgive, at some point we need to not remind or use it against them. I am sure you do not and did not mean this. You, of course, know more then me about your wife and relationship, so take this with all salt you think it may need.

 

You seem to be "triggering" more lately, do you you think that is so? and if so, why? I can understand your reactions, if had been me, I just would not have brought up the affair. Or, I would have pointed out, that number 10 was not a good one for me.

 

Oh, well,

 

My two cents, and of course, I wish you and yours luck.

 

Points well taken. I did overreact. Shame too, because I'm usually so good at this kind of thing.

 

What's interesting is I really don't think about it very often at all. Each time I do, I post about it on here, so you can see that it's not all that much.

 

And I wasn't even really angry about the affair. I guess I was angry that it was so easily forgotten, which, in the light of day, I realize it likely was not.

 

I think given this isn't an oddball year like 17 years or 12 or something, I do feel like there is added pressure for some reason. Didn't feel any of this tension last year that I recall.

[sandylee1]

I think you were justifiably pissed off TBH. This is the kicker with infidelity. .....you just can't forget it no matter how much you would like to. It's always there lurking, so when many are suprised that a BS stayed and leaves years later.....it really IS because of the affair.

 

She should have remembered what your 10th anniversary was like for you.

 

You guys splash out a lot more than many with your gifts.

 

ETA She should apologise.

Edited August 31, 2015 by sandylee1
eta

[autumnnight]

I cringed when I read what your wife said, but I'm not a gift-oriented person, and the idea that someone would oint out who got what gift or ask for something expensive is just something I am uncomfortable with in general. And yes, if the A was around 5 years ago, I understand why you triggered.

 

That said, this idea that once someone cheats they should be "lucky they even have an anniversary," lick their supposed to like the BS' boots for all eternity is just BS. I'm glad you don't subscribe to that pathetic vision of "recovery."

 

The two of you will get through this. Just talk to each other. Hopefully she will find some grace and humility about it.

[nightmare01]

I'll generalize a bit here.. hope I don't get into trouble for that.

 

Anyway. IMO WS have an easier time getting over it and putting their affair in the past than do BS. They know everything that happened. They know exactly how and why their affair ended. They know exactly how they feel about their AP vs their BS. They know whether they are even remotely tempted to contact their AP again. Whereas the BS knows none or very little of this.

 

Also IMO, people in general tend to think that because they are over something, other people are over it too. So a WS that doesn't even think about their affair anymore probably thinks their BS doesn't think of of it either.

 

There's a statistic out there I read years ago that said that 90% of WS think their marriage is better than it was before their affiar, but less than 30% of BS would agree with that assessment. So if the WS feels that they are over their affiar, then the probably believe their BS feels that way too.

 

In my experience that's dead wrong.

 

About a decade ago (I'm 14 years past Dday) WW and I got into a tiff about some behavior of hers that triggered me. I told her that what she did hurt me, and she answered that he doesn't think of her affair anymore, but when she does she feels hurt too.

 

I told her that I would trade places with her in a second. That the pain she feels is nothing compared to mine. Proof of that is that she can forget it (and do or say something insensitive), whereas I hurt EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

 

Things improved a lot for us after that.

 

I think in your situation the thing to do is to communicate your pain to her, and how insensitive actions or words trigger you and cause intense pain. Communicate in a way that might build some empathy in her, and maybe she won't trigger you again.

[ladydesigner]

There's a statistic out there I read years ago that said that 90% of WS think their marriage is better than it was before their affiar, but less than 30% of BS would agree with that assessment. So if the WS feels that they are over their affiar, then the probably believe their BS feels that way too.

 

 

Interesting statistic and I would have to agree. I'm sure it is even worse for those of us with a WS that was not remorseful.

[understand50]

Points well taken. I did overreact. Shame too, because I'm usually so good at this kind of thing.

 

What's interesting is I really don't think about it very often at all. Each time I do, I post about it on here, so you can see that it's not all that much.

 

And I wasn't even really angry about the affair. I guess I was angry that it was so easily forgotten, which, in the light of day, I realize it likely was not.

 

I think given this isn't an oddball year like 17 years or 12 or something, I do feel like there is added pressure for some reason. Didn't feel any of this tension last year that I recall.

 

My wife feels the best anniversary gift I ever gave her, was for Number 35, when due to her financial issues, we were dead broke. We had eloped, so did not have a wedding binder with a lot of pictures, but we had a few snap shots. I dug one out, scanned and Photoshopped the one I like the best, framed it with a $5 drug store frame and wrote on the back.

 

"Dear, AAA.

 

I have never regretted marrying you, let's have another 35 years.

 

Love always, YYY"

 

She broke down in tears. Sometime I think we get caught up in the whole, expensive gift thing. Maybe something more personnel showing that you love her and your future together is good. Maybe something from your 1st year, that you can redo, and give her to show that the "US" of you and she will be together in 15 years hence.

 

Just a thought.

[Hope Shimmers]

Her response was " Well Maria got a 3-diamond somethingorother bracelet, and that was for her 10th! And I didn't really get anything for my 10th."

 

I'm trying to be polite here, but it's just...

 

The sense of entitlement! To me, that goes along with someone who has an affair. A watch valued in the five figures?!? And then her saying the above? Materialistic and entitled. I am sorry, but it is.

 

In my marriage we were both making decent six-figure salaries at the end, and I can't even imagine asking my ex-H for something like that! I had an ALLOWANCE. Even though I made the same as him and put him through college. Yes, I get that was wrong (part of the reason I'm divorced) but I just can't even FATHOM being in a marriage where the spouse would expect that kind of a gift for an anniversary. I guess I'm posting to perhaps put that in some perspective. Irrespective of her affair... whether or not she should be just "grateful they are still married" I think that should be balanced with what seems to be a huge sense of entitlement.

[bubbaganoosh]

I think your out burst was spot on. To me is sounds like a "What have you done for me lately" comment she made.

 

It's a whole lot easier for the one who got caught to put it in the past then it is for the one who got the knife in the back.

 

Her comment to me sounded like she wants to keep up with the Jones's and after reading this post, I firmly believe that when you cheat, your gone. No turning back. No more talking.

 

If it was me the gift she would have got was a knife with red paint on it and a note that said, "Care to plunge the knife in my back again?

 

If she got pissed to bad. Maybe if she would have kept her pants up and knees together there wouldn't be this rift that your having now.

[Els]

I don't agree with what she said (keeping up with the Joneses much?), but I don't agree with what you said either, in both instances. I agree with Mr Lucky that if you chose to stay after an affair and she has done everything right to keep the marriage going for another 5 years, then it's pretty crappy of you to bring it up in an unrelated context 5 years later.

 

I also wonder why you would ASK her what gift she wanted, agree to get it for her, and then complain about the price? That, IMO, is far worse than just surprising her with a bouquet of flowers or a handmade card or any other much less expensive gift without complaint. If you are going to ask someone what they want, and then agree to buy it for them, the absolute worst thing you can do is to complain about the price. That invalidates the entire spirit of gift-giving.

 

As I said, though, I think her response was unnecessary and immature as well.

Edited September 1, 2015 by Elswyth

[m.snow]

yeah you can do out burst but please try to take it back. make up for it.

 

at least apologize.

 

its the anniversary you guys are supposed to be happy.

[S2B]

yeah you can do out burst but please try to take it back. make up for it.

 

at least apologize.

 

its the anniversary you guys are supposed to be happy.

 

Uh... No. He was honest. She acted entitled and overlooked the bad behavior that lead to no gift for year ten.

 

Not only that but she's competing prizes with her friends - at her husband's expense.

 

The anger is still there. That's for you to work on Trusted. See a counselor to help you work all the way through it to the other side. You may need your wife's input to do that. She needs to hear that you're still angry and why. She also needs to address her attitude. Entitlement doesn't go away easily. I hope you can both learn and grow from this.

 

The honesty is good. Realizing that you have some work to do on your feelings even better.

 

I can't imagine why she would give you the silent treatment - SHE caused this!

 

And I wouldn't be inclined to buy her the watch - not after that exchange.

 

 

But you know, she will likely go buy it for herself anyway.

 

Get her some new socks.

[HereNorThere]

It's just always easier for the WS to move on, especially certain personality types.

 

Obviously you're better at the forgiveness thing than I am, but I do think you were totally justified being triggered and upset.

 

This is the reason I don't really believe in reconciliation, but to each their own. If anything, your post really does show the new BS that they will deal with this type of thing for the rest of their life.

 

I'm sorry you have to go through this, OP. Good luck to you.

[Popsicle]

Well, she must be worth it if you stayed...

[NotCamelot]

I can certainly understand the quick response to her "10th" comment. My wife was at a hotel with her AP two days before our 20th.

 

 

Since that time, we renewed our vows on a different, and quite special day. We now use that day as our anniversary. The original date has a different meaning for me now.

 

 

I wonder if the wayward spouse really thinks we forget?

[qubist]

I can certainly understand the quick response to her "10th" comment. My wife was at a hotel with her AP two days before our 20th.

 

 

Since that time, we renewed our vows on a different, and quite special day. We now use that day as our anniversary. The original date has a different meaning for me now.

 

 

I wonder if the wayward spouse really thinks we forget?

good idea, an makes sense because renewing the vows does feel like a new marriage

just wondering if the the original anniversary brings any hard feelings though?

[NotCamelot]

good idea, an makes sense because renewing the vows does feel like a new marriage

just wondering if the the original anniversary brings any hard feelings though?

 

No, it does not. It did the first year. I was quite sad that entire week, to be quite honest.

 

 

But, like the old saying, "Time heals all wounds in mice and men," it gets better every day.

 

 

My advice to all that reconcile is exactly what has worked for us: Make new memories. That has been my bridge to feeling better. We really are extremely happy now......and, those memories come around far less often than they used to.

[qubist]

No, it does not. It did the first year. I was quite sad that entire week, to be quite honest.

 

 

But, like the old saying, "Time heals all wounds in mice and men," it gets better every day.

 

 

My advice to all that reconcile is exactly what has worked for us: Make new memories. That has been my bridge to feeling better. We really are extremely happy now......and, those memories come around far less often than they used to.

thanksfor sharing, and glad it worked for you, stories like yours make feel better about this world

[S2B]

Ask your wife to work more than full time for the next year or so and use all the money she earns to buy you a new convertible Porsche.

 

That might show she's willing to make up to you for her bad behavior.

 

She owes YOU - not the other way around.

[DIFM]

Well, it didn't help that OPs wife stated that her friend got XX on her 10th year and then threw it in OPs face that he didn't give her crap while she was banging the crap out of the OM.

 

I agree with Mr Lucky that you have to move on if you agree to move on. I would say that the OP would have been out of line if he brought up the past with no trigger. That would have been crossing the line of the agreement to move on.

 

My position with my WW is that she is expected to think one step ahead and avoid saying or doing what would trigger a painful reminder. If his WW was in the midst of her cheating at the time of the 10th anniversary, it very much should have been part of her automatic filter to not bring that up.

 

If a similar occurrence were to happen between me and my FWW, I would have told her that my reaction wasn't bringing up the past, rather that her insensitive comment was a window into the past. His wife brought the past into the moment, he reacted to the reminder. She could have said nothing at all about the 10th and all would have been great.

 

I agree if you decide to move on, you move on. But this requires that the wayward spouse be always mindful of what they say, what they reference, what they criticize, etc., else be responsible for bringing the past into the present.

[fellini]

I just find it difficult to get my head around the idea that within the context of a marriage (anniversary gift includes that) that 5 digit gifts have any meaning.

 

Im all for gift giving. But why put so much pressure on 10 15 20 25 years?

Marriage is not a contest to see who gets there for the longer time. It's surely about wanting to be with someone, to share, to offer gifts on a daily bases that have no monetary value. NONE. A beautiful gesture makes more sense to me.

 

Any gesture that says you are sorry for holding the A over her head will probably count for more than a rolex. I hope so anyhow.

 

 

Take the cheating out of it, and this gift is totally in line with her tastes, her style, our budget etc.

 

And I'm no sugar daddy. She does very very well on her own, and can buy this kind of stuff herself if she wants to.

 

But she is pretty conscientious when it comes to spending money, and for things this expensive, she really needs to tie them to an occasion in order to justify them to herself. If that makes sense.

 

I happen to do the same thing...but with motorcycles.

 

Point being, I cannot punish her for something I've forgiven. IN fact, after D-Day I went on a pretty reckless spending spree and practically DARED her to say something about it.

 

There are likely a few painful reminders for her still sitting in the garage today.

[nightmare01]

good idea, an makes sense because renewing the vows does feel like a new marriage

just wondering if the the original anniversary brings any hard feelings though?

 

For me - some years are hard, others not so bad. No rhyme or reason behind them.

 

The main problem I have is getting in the mode of "celebrating" our marriage.. which she and her OM **** all over for so many years. I feel the whole thing is fake - what the hell am I celebrating?

 

WW and fine together now - our relationship is good and we're happy together. My issue is more about the pressure to be happy about something that she tossed aside so easily. AND as someone else stated, Hallmark doesn't make cards for situations like ours... I just buy cards that are blank inside and try my best to dredge up some gushy words to write.

[qubist]

For me - some years are hard, others not so bad. No rhyme or reason behind them.

 

The main problem I have is getting in the mode of "celebrating" our marriage.. which she and her OM **** all over for so many years. I feel the whole thing is fake - what the hell am I celebrating?

 

WW and fine together now - our relationship is good and we're happy together. My issue is more about the pressure to be happy about something that she tossed aside so easily. AND as someone else stated, Hallmark doesn't make cards for situations like ours... I just buy cards that are blank inside and try my best to dredge up some gushy words to write.

Sorry that you are still holding some pain from that experience, I think Notcomelot's idea of creating new memories is a very good one. I hope you and WW have gained something with the decision to stay together that you can celebrate without the bad memories

[salparadise]

Well, it didn't help that OPs wife stated that her friend got XX on her 10th year and then threw it in OPs face that he didn't give her crap while she was banging the crap out of the OM.

 

I would have been pissed too. Oh btw, XX friend gave them this on their xx anniversary and you didn't give me anything :(:(:(

 

The sense of entitlement! To me, that goes along with someone who has an affair. A watch valued in the five figures?!? And then her saying the above? Materialistic and entitled. I am sorry, but it is.

 

Yea, the irony of what she said is astounding. How could she be any more thoughtless?

 

I think OP should not buy the 5-figure watch now, because he's not feeling any 5-figure affection or respect. Maybe save that watch for the 20th, assuming she learns to table the entitlement... and is able to hold off on banging the guys from work for another 5 years.

 

A five figure watch, eh? I wonder if that sucker can turn back time?

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

Stuff like this is why I don't think reconciliation is worth the oain and protracted angst. I have never met a woman worth enduring that process. Especially when the alternative is a new relationship with another woman without this baggage.

 

Look, for your fifteenth anniversary you could have been celebrating your second anniversary with a new, better woman.

[RightThere]

At some point today, I will apologize for the outburst, but I fully expect an apology for her being insensitive to what has been a big trigger for us in the past.

 

I guess I'm just sad. I would have much preferred to celebrate 15 years of us keeping the vows we took. Not 15 years of mostly keeping to some of them.

 

I am totally sincere when I say this, but you are still one of my heroes on here.

 

Mistakes will happen and I have nothing but respect for those that continue to work things out everyday. People always say that after an affair, the relationship is never the same again. It's always work and you never totally get over the affair.

 

But recently I've had the revelation that ALL relationships are work and they should never be the same as yesterday's relationship. It should be better because you are both working on it.

 

If it is the same as it's always been, then you are no longer trying and are just coasting hoping that there's not a wolf at your door.