Ruby Slippers Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 I agree that it is best not to lie but can't we also be understanding that people have things like their age, weight, etc about which they are insecure? It's fine to be insecure. It's not fine to lie. It would have been very easy for me to subtract a few years from my age to increase the chances of getting more dates. But what's the point? I'm looking for something real, and you don't begin something real with lies. If a guy doesn't like me because I'm too old for him, I'm happy for him to pass me by and not waste my time. But I realize that a lot of people on OLD are looking for something casual and meaningless, so it makes sense that they would think nothing of lying, since they don't want a relationship with any depth, anyway. I encountered many 40-something bachelors pretending to be late-30s. The guy I liked turned out to be almost 20 YEARS older than me - a guy who was almost a senior citizen chasing women young enough to be his daughters. The sad thing is, he was interesting and smart enough that I would have considered dating him even with the large age gap - if he had been honest about his age from the get-go. But when somebody lies about one thing, it's normal and natural to wonder what else they're lying about. So the trust is damaged from the very beginning, making a real relationship impossible. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AugustSnow Posted September 2, 2015 Author Share Posted September 2, 2015 It's fine to be insecure. It's not fine to lie. It would have been very easy for me to subtract a few years from my age to increase the chances of getting more dates. But what's the point? I'm looking for something real, and you don't begin something real with lies. If a guy doesn't like me because I'm too old for him, I'm happy for him to pass me by and not waste my time. But I realize that a lot of people on OLD are looking for something casual and meaningless, so it makes sense that they would think nothing of lying, since they don't want a relationship with any depth, anyway. I encountered many 40-something bachelors pretending to be late-30s. The guy I liked turned out to be almost 20 YEARS older than me - a guy who was almost a senior citizen chasing women young enough to be his daughters. The sad thing is, he was interesting and smart enough that I would have considered dating him even with the large age gap - if he had been honest about his age from the get-go. But when somebody lies about one thing, it's normal and natural to wonder what else they're lying about. So the trust is damaged from the very beginning, making a real relationship impossible. I agree. The way I see it is if a person lies to you about big things, and to me age is in that category, then they are not allowing you the choice to take them or leave them, and that in itself is unfair. You should be given that choice to take a person or not, and the way to do that is for them to be honest. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AugustSnow Posted September 2, 2015 Author Share Posted September 2, 2015 It's fine to be insecure. It's not fine to lie. It would have been very easy for me to subtract a few years from my age to increase the chances of getting more dates. But what's the point? I'm looking for something real, and you don't begin something real with lies. If a guy doesn't like me because I'm too old for him, I'm happy for him to pass me by and not waste my time. But I realize that a lot of people on OLD are looking for something casual and meaningless, so it makes sense that they would think nothing of lying, since they don't want a relationship with any depth, anyway. I encountered many 40-something bachelors pretending to be late-30s. The guy I liked turned out to be almost 20 YEARS older than me - a guy who was almost a senior citizen chasing women young enough to be his daughters. The sad thing is, he was interesting and smart enough that I would have considered dating him even with the large age gap - if he had been honest about his age from the get-go. But when somebody lies about one thing, it's normal and natural to wonder what else they're lying about. So the trust is damaged from the very beginning, making a real relationship impossible. What does "OLD" stand for, if that's a terminology for something? Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 OLD stands for OnLine Dating. And yes, that's exactly how I felt - in lying to me, he robbed me of my power to choose whether or not to meet a man his age. So that immediately showed me that he will disadvantage the other person for his own advantage - not someone I could trust to get involved with. I don't even want to be friends with people like that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
edgygirl Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 If it's on OLD - it's pretty common and almost excusable (within limits). Generally people "search" their filters to show people in certain age groups. Ie. 28-35, 40-48, 40-50, and so on. If a guy is 51, he immediately loses the population of woman who filtered their search field to 40-50. Which is probably the age the wants. So he fibs it a bit, putting 45 or 48 as his age so he can be "found" by these women, get a "like" perhaps or their attention, that they would otherwise not get because come on... everyone, male and female, are a bit ageist mainly in online dating. When he does get the chance to meet her in real life (mainly because he tweaked his age), he will then have a chance to prove to her he's actually worth it. That's why people lie. Survival instincts. Makes sense? About the best spin you can put on it is that it's rooted in insecurity, and if that's the best you've got you sure don't have much to work with. I really don't get it. I'm proud of my age (53) and the fact that I've cheated death long enough to make it this far. Why lie about it? Vanity? Hell, I'm plenty vain, but it runs more along the lines of "hey, I make 53 look GOOD." Link to post Share on other sites
edgygirl Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 Now... if the guy is 63 ans puts 51 as his age... :lmao: What a delusional idiot. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kilgore Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 If it's on OLD - it's pretty common and almost excusable (within limits). Generally people "search" their filters to show people in certain age groups. Ie. 28-35, 40-48, 40-50, and so on. If a guy is 51, he immediately loses the population of woman who filtered their search field to 40-50. Which is probably the age the wants. So he fibs it a bit, putting 45 or 48 as his age so he can be "found" by these women, get a "like" perhaps or their attention, that they would otherwise not get because come on... everyone, male and female, are a bit ageist mainly in online dating. When he does get the chance to meet her in real life (mainly because he tweaked his age), he will then have a chance to prove to her he's actually worth it. That's why people lie. Survival instincts. Makes sense? Agree. Also lets be forgiving of one another's insecurities without describing them as evil. If it is pathological lying that is another matter Link to post Share on other sites
edgygirl Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 Yeah I am not as strict about this, within reason. I don't think one small white lie is that big of a deal or makes them compulsive liars. Agree. Also lets be forgiving of one another's insecurities without describing them as evil. If it is pathological lying that is another matter 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kilgore Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 Yeah I am not as strict about this, within reason. I don't think one small white lie is that big of a deal or makes them compulsive liars. Right. Is it so different from wearing a push up bra or a guy putting a sock in his undies? Link to post Share on other sites
RedRobin Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 I can understand the desire to lie. People get lonely. They feel that if only the other person met them, then everything would be ok. I get it. I've been tempted too. For all kinds of things. I have a PhD. I got sick of explaining. I wanted to just put down that I had an MS and leave it at that. Same thing with age. Then I came to the conclusion... even when doing OLD, it really is NOT a numbers game. I treated it just like I would meeting people in real life... that I'd rather have one authentic match a YEAR than 50 based on something that wasn't me. ... and that the whole reason for having such a large database of potential matches was not to cast a wide net... but to simply increase the odds of finding that needle in the haystack who is the perfect match for little 'ol me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MoreAmore Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 (edited) I don't care about a person's age. I care A LOT about lying. That could ruin what might have been good, otherwise. Lying means a person would rather sacrifice their integrity than face consequences. That's not a good quality to have. What happens when it's something easy to lie about that would have serious consequences to them if they will lie about tiny things like age? No, thank you. EDIT, I might be forgiving if it was something put in online dating to mess with the search algorithm online and I was told right away. Not if I was told to my face or in direct communication and it turned out to be a lie. Edited September 2, 2015 by MoreAmore 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 If it's on OLD - it's pretty common and almost excusable (within limits). Generally people "search" their filters to show people in certain age groups. Ie. 28-35, 40-48, 40-50, and so on. If a guy is 51, he immediately loses the population of woman who filtered their search field to 40-50. Which is probably the age the wants. So he fibs it a bit, putting 45 or 48 as his age so he can be "found" by these women, get a "like" perhaps or their attention, that they would otherwise not get because come on... everyone, male and female, are a bit ageist mainly in online dating. When he does get the chance to meet her in real life (mainly because he tweaked his age), he will then have a chance to prove to her he's actually worth it. That's why people lie. Survival instincts. Makes sense? I disagree that it's excusable, or almost excusable. When he meets me in real life and reveals his true age, he also reveals that he will lie to get an edge over me for his own advantage. It's my choice if I don't want to consider a romantic prospect who is 51 or 21 or whatever age. It's not OK for him to game me to increase the odds of getting what he wants. It's disrespectful and dishonest - not qualities I want in a mate. Also, I'm secure in my age. I'm almost 40 - one of the biggest scary ages for women - but I own it because it's the truth. I want a man who is similarly secure in his age, whatever it is. Lying and misrepresenting yourself reveals strong insecurity, weakness, selfishness. Of course, it's anyone's choice whether they want to let this kind of misrepresentation slide. But my intuition tells me loud and clear that would be foolish. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 I've said it here once before that if I think he's hot and I am physically attracted to him, then I could overlook it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AugustSnow Posted September 8, 2015 Author Share Posted September 8, 2015 I disagree that it's excusable, or almost excusable. When he meets me in real life and reveals his true age, he also reveals that he will lie to get an edge over me for his own advantage. It's my choice if I don't want to consider a romantic prospect who is 51 or 21 or whatever age. It's not OK for him to game me to increase the odds of getting what he wants. It's disrespectful and dishonest - not qualities I want in a mate. Also, I'm secure in my age. I'm almost 40 - one of the biggest scary ages for women - but I own it because it's the truth. I want a man who is similarly secure in his age, whatever it is. Lying and misrepresenting yourself reveals strong insecurity, weakness, selfishness. Of course, it's anyone's choice whether they want to let this kind of misrepresentation slide. But my intuition tells me loud and clear that would be foolish. Yeah I agree with you on this. OLD or not, it's no excuse, but it's even worse to lie right to my face about how old you are, and that's exactly what he did. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 I've said it here once before that if I think he's hot and I am physically attracted to him, then I could overlook it. Really? Because to me, that makes it sound as though you're prizing looks over character. In my experience, that's not such a solid approach. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 Really? Because to me, that makes it sound as though you're prizing looks over character. In my experience, that's not such a solid approach. I have to be attracted to him first. That's just how it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AugustSnow Posted September 8, 2015 Author Share Posted September 8, 2015 I have to be attracted to him first. That's just how it is. Different strokes for different folks. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 I have to be attracted to him first. That's just how it is. I do, too. I assess physical/sexual attraction, and I also assess character. If either isn't there, it's not on. I'm just wondering why you would overlook the character part. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kilgore Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 I do, too. I assess physical/sexual attraction, and I also assess character. If either isn't there, it's not on. I'm just wondering why you would overlook the character part. Probably she isn't. I think she is saying that without looks the character doesn't matter at all. Not saying I agree... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 Probably she isn't. I think she is saying that without looks the character doesn't matter at all. Not saying I agree... Yes, this. And I know men lie about age because they are insecure, but if he's attractive to me, then I'll be letting him know that, in more ways than one... Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 Probably she isn't. I think she is saying that without looks the character doesn't matter at all. Not saying I agree... That's not how I read what she wrote. To me, it sounds like she's saying that with looks, the character (lying/faking/misrepresenting) doesn't matter. In other words, she will forgive weak character for strong looks. I've said it here once before that if I think he's hot and I am physically attracted to him, then I could overlook it. To me, that = "If he's hot, lying is OK." I'm belaboring the point because I think that even "white lies" reveal problematic tendencies that will come back to haunt you later. No amount of hot makes up for that risk, in my book. In other words, I don't care how hot he is if he lies - that kills the attraction for me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kilgore Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 That's not how I read what she wrote. To me, it sounds like she's saying that with looks, the character (lying/faking/misrepresenting) doesn't matter. In other words, she will forgive weak character for strong looks. To me, that = "If he's hot, lying is OK." I'm belaboring the point because I think that even "white lies" reveal problematic tendencies that will come back to haunt you later. No amount of hot makes up for that risk, in my book. In other words, I don't care how hot he is if he lies - that kills the attraction for me. Maybe but a lie about his age maybe means he is insecure. It is a flaw but a relatable and maybe forgivable flaw. A little compassion can go a long way Link to post Share on other sites
RedRobin Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 Maybe but a lie about his age maybe means he is insecure. It is a flaw but a relatable and maybe forgivable flaw. A little compassion can go a long way It is relatable and forgivable. I would have compassion. But I wouldn't choose to date him. No matter how hot. I would tell him sincerely that it really is a shame that he chose not to tell the truth. I'd tell him I understand being insecure... dating sucks. But the thing is, we are all insecure about something... part of building intimacy and trust is being brave enough to let someone in. That person failed the first test of building intimacy.... and since that is what I'm looking for (not just boffing someone for awhile who is hot who I'd be discarding later anyway) then he'd have to go. I've had to do this more than a few times for guys who lied about all kinds of things... big and small. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 Maybe but a lie about his age maybe means he is insecure. It is a flaw but a relatable and maybe forgivable flaw. A little compassion can go a long way I used to be too compassionate with men, excusing "little things" that I've learned with experience I should not have let slide. My standards have only gone up. I'd much rather be single and happy than coupled up with a man who isn't mature enough to accept the facts of aging, is so uncomfortable with his own aging process that he lies about it. Any relationship worth having is authentic - that means honest. If you start with a lie, you're building the house on a foundation with a crack running through it. Not smart. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted September 9, 2015 Share Posted September 9, 2015 I've heard a lot of excuses for lying about age. Do none of these fly? It's none of her business. It's just a number. She will judge him based on this number. If she cares too much about this number, she isn't worth his time. Things like that. Are these not applicable? Link to post Share on other sites
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