Like a guy at work alot, does he like me? **Updated**

[ladyheartbroken]

I think most of the bad options have already crossed my mind like what if he has just been fishing to attain my level of interest just so they can joke about it or whatever.

 

As for the professional part that is why I will make brief conversation in passing or whatever if the moment allows otherwise I just keep going about my business as he does his. It was actually just the older guy that works next to him, he was smiling at me. Most of the guys there do. Yesterday was a really bad day though and i was in a bad mood at everyone in my work area and they were in a bad mood so not so much. Our little interludes were kinda the thing that just keeps me happy and bright even when it gets tough out there like a shot in the arm.

 

My main problem and probably why I take it so seriously is that I don't really have any friends anymore, not to go out with on a regular basis so my sea in which to find other fishes is pretty damn small! I have like no social exposure so beyond work, I am not really sure where to meet anyone. Sure I could go to a bar alone and look like a hooker or drunk and stare at people but I tried that a couple times and it was just awkward. No one talked to me and I am generally too shy to strike up conversations with others unless I feel like they actually want my attention.

 

So when one guy comes along finally who I am actually into (and I just want a boo to hang with and do stuff with if I can't find someone for something more long term) it's like that one opportunity I'll either have or miss it. Like the case with this guy. It could be that I am a capricorn and we are pretty stubborn about something once we make our minds up but I Do totally agree about the premature investment in a relationship. I honestly don't know what's wrong with me that I get that way beyond my insecurities and feeling validation that I am actually a woman worth dating when a guy is interested in me back, as well. When he's not as the few I've met since breaking up in 2014 obviously weren't it's like confirming that yeah, it's me and I might just be single for the rest of my life.

 

I'd love to meet other guys, they're just not there. Like I was i AC last night and there were tons of guys around. But there were also tons of really trashy looking drunks chicks around in mini dresses and 6" shoes they could barely walk in so I stood no chance in my little ballet flats. There is too much competition and I refuse to try and be someone other than myself. I look cute but put me in a crowd next to a bunch of women who practically have come lay me stamped across their chest there's no way a guy is coming after me if he can chase after that. I can be sexy but I refuse to be trashy and trashy is now the norm and guys assume because I don't look or act trashy that I am a prude and it's very unfortunate. A woman should not have to wear her sexuality on her sleeve yet we chastise for wearing one's heart on her sleeve today. I am far from a prude so it's a his loss kinda thing if I am passed over on the assumption I am a church girl or whatever.

 

As of right now... I still haven't heard from him. Last night as I was leaving for AC around 10ish I am 99.9% sure he drove past my street. Not saying anything about it just pretty sure it was him. Anyway, my mother was saying guys sometimes start saying really nice things to a girl when they know what's coming, that they know they are going to be bailing and feel like asses about it but don't want to let on that it's coming. I am really sensing this right now from him. No texts to me or initiated conversations for three days to me means not interested. I put the ball in his court about hanging out, I won't try to make further plans with a person who isn't making much effort at this point so... while I will just continue to take it as it comes and see what happens it's time to be prepared to walk away with my self respect. I am 30 not 19 so I won't throw myself any guy.

[ladyheartbroken]

Of course I don't know if that is the case but I have witnessed it before with two coworkers a few years ago. He did everything he could to charm her until he knew she interested and then started blowing hot and cold. I saw the messages he sent her and saw how he acted towards her so I can see why she feel for it. However what she didn't know until later was that he was talking about her behind her back to other colleagues, making her out to be the one chasing him like a lovesick puppy. To him it was a huge ego boost, but for her it meant an unfair loss of her reputation and many hurt feelings.

 

This is very unfortunate and very very bad. The on thing I have on my side, at least I think, is that he pretty much keeps to himself also. That I know of. But this is precisely why I have been very very careful from the get go to not give him more attention than I do anyone else at least when anyone is watching. The only times we've really interact at length were when he came to me while I was sitting at my desk working. It's not like he comes around and suddenly I get up and go talk to him or stop as I am walking past to bull**** when I haven't stopped to bull**** with anyone else all day. If I happen to already be at the same spot like yesterday I had to ask the one guy a question and he was standing there with paperwork so I just made a quick comment to him about how crazy it is in there. Stuff like that. IT would be very obvious to do otherwise since I do pretty much just keep to myself and focus on getting my work done.

[La.Primavera]

I have also seen coworker relationships work out as well so I don't want to scare you off, just be cautious. If a guy has good intentions it will become clear in time through his actions. Right now your guy is a bit hot and cold so that is why I think you are right to be wary for now.

 

In regards to your social life in general, I don't think going to a bar alone is a good idea to meet people. Joining a social group is a much better way of meeting people in a safe environment where you share a common interest or hobby with like minded people.

[Snakechammah]

LadyBean, I'm also a Capricorn and I can relate to you.

 

So ok, if your pond is small, then maybe seek love elsewhere?

 

I think the most important thing is to be happy with yourself first. Priority now is to make more friends (platonic ones - girlfriends!), and build some support network first. Do you have family? Siblings? Cousins? Long time friends?

 

Go out with them. Bring sunshine into your life. Be happy single. I always believe that love is a bonus. You have to love being with yourself first and if a guy comes along and you think he's suitable for the ride, then yup, come onboard. Never make 'seeking love' a priority.

 

First things first, join an acitivity group. Join a bellydancing club, any hobbies club - expand your network and socialise. Don't go to bars - YET. Establish a circle of friendship that you're comfortable with, and then go out with the girls on a weekend.

 

It helps our self-esteem and confidence when we have a solid support network. Love from Family and close friends are the most important tool for seeking romantic love.

 

Take a break from this Youngin Mechanic Dude. Trust me, there's a lot more fishes in the sea (or pond) in the areas you haven't explored yet.

 

Good luck!

[ladyheartbroken]

I mean I know they can work out as well. I keep thinking of the advice about text messages and stuff and not to think about it but I'm thinking about how I haven't heard a peep from him at all in terms of text messages since Thurs when I asked him if he wanted me to pick him up a drink while I was out. The awkward thing about working together will be if he just stops talking to me outright, wondering what the hell happened and knowing he knows he straight up tuned me out after all that sweet talking this week. It's just insult to injury cause I'm already dealing with a lot of stressful stuff at work with my own particular job. Hard enough to go in and deal with that crap but then to face the idea that some foul play is in full force against me. Maybe not on his end but on someone else's. There is very little I trust about my situation there. In fact there is nothing I trust about it. I was taken from the job I was hired to do and without any say so stuck in the cashier's position when she quit two weeks ago and it seems like they have no intentions of finding a replacement. It has really done nothing but further isolate me from the entire group and they don't treat me with much respect, particularly the women, because I dress well. That's just how I am and I am not going to go out and buy all new but more casual frumpier work clothes just because they are self concious. Someone told me they wished they had the balls to wear dresses every day, too. Then proceeded to show me pics of when she used to be a twig until she gained weight in the army. That's not my problem. Work out and eat right like I had to to lose weight. She and the temp pal around and do a lot of snickering and stuff so... yeah. There's at least one person there who is outright against me who has, twice to my knowledge, tried to get me in trouble by telling people I am not doing my job when all she does is complain to me about how horrible she feels, how much she hates it there, etc. It's a very insecure situation. Jealous catty gossipy females and dumb boys who like dumb girls who flirt with them all day. Then there is me, the outsider. If I didn't feel like making it work just to prove them wrong since, I'd just walk away. I don't need the stress and games of immature people interfering with my career.

[Snakechammah]

LadyBean, then it's time to brush up that resume and look for another job...

 

Or... you can change your mindset about the situation.

 

We cannot change what the others do to us but we can change how we react to them.

 

I'd really like to help you but I don't think you even read my posts in here.

 

All the best.

[smackie9]

I'm assuming you don't have much in the way of dating experience so here is your answer......

 

 

 

Ask the Experts: Why Some Men Run Hot and Cold - eHarmony Advice

[ladyheartbroken]

I can't pinpoint what exactly is going on but it's something which is why the earlier comment about the guy who sweet talked his female coworker until she was interested just to make a thing about it to the other guys like she's chasing after him until her reputation was ruined scares me so much because it's been a thought in the back of my mind for over a week that for all I know they got together sensing I was interested just to turn it into a big joke that I am. I sure as hell hope I am just being overly sensitive and paranoid and that it's nothing of the sort. I need clues, like I need to know. I hate going in there every day now wondering if I am the at the blunt end of a huge inside thing.

[ladyheartbroken]

I've been reading everyone's posts very carefully actually. Definitely pocketing all the information I am being given and kinda just out letting my frustration here which I know isn't the place for it.

 

I don't have a large family, I had a older sister and she passed away in 2011 so now it's just my parents and I. I have a few distant friends, they live kinda far. We talk online and I see them once in a while in the city so it's not much but it's there.

 

Was on meetup.com earlier searching local groups again to try and find ways to get out and do things with new ppl. There really isn't much around here. Most of the groups are active mainly 25 miles away in the city outside of some singles groups or book clubs nearby and all the singles groups have my sister's psycho ex husband as a member so... that's what has stopped me from joining any of them. I'll keep looking for outlets for sure, hobby groups and things I can get involved with. we all need a support system and it's hard to start over and make new old friends. Your advice has been very helpful even if it hasn't come through in any of my recent replies.

[smackie9]

You are being paranoid. Your emotions are distorting your perspective. The temp girl is just out going and friendly. It's your jealousy making you think she is purposely sabotaging your chances with him.

 

You are interested in the wrong type of guy. He is passive, the same as you, so two passive people will not connect because the other is waiting for them to make a move. Only an aggressive woman like the temp girl will hold his attention.

 

So you are wasting your time on him. You need to find yourself a pursuer, a guy that is out going and confident.

[smackie9]

I've been reading everyone's posts very carefully actually. Definitely pocketing all the information I am being given and kinda just out letting my frustration here which I know isn't the place for it.

 

I don't have a large family, I had a older sister and she passed away in 2011 so now it's just my parents and I. I have a few distant friends, they live kinda far. We talk online and I see them once in a while in the city so it's not much but it's there.

 

Was on meetup.com earlier searching local groups again to try and find ways to get out and do things with new ppl. There really isn't much around here. Most of the groups are active mainly 25 miles away in the city outside of some singles groups or book clubs nearby and all the singles groups have my sister's psycho ex husband as a member so... that's what has stopped me from joining any of them. I'll keep looking for outlets for sure, hobby groups and things I can get involved with. we all need a support system and it's hard to start over and make new old friends. Your advice has been very helpful even if it hasn't come through in any of my recent replies.

 

Someone mentioned finding a different job. That sound like a good idea, but a job closer to the city where there will be more social groups/ people to meet.

[Versacehottie]

You are being paranoid. Your emotions are distorting your perspective.

 

I agree with smackie on this. Also I'm reading the posts from today and I just wish you could hear what you really sound like. The undertone. I'm really not saying any of this to put you down or hurt the confidence you have. Maybe you are just venting or frustrated tonight. I took it to read that you think you are telling the "facts" as they are from a really detailed perspective. If you read between the lines of what you say it's not only that you are emotional about this situation, it's a pessimism and place of have not, can not that you are coming from. You are only seeing your things from a negative point of view on yourself and the world around you and your place in it. It's kind of a bitterness and lacking.

 

Here's one of the best sayings I know about dating: you attract what you are. So be the kind of person you want to attract. Does that make sense? Do you think you could do that?

 

My point is that, as some others have stated, if you work on and get yourself sorted out, it is your very best chance to get the relationship you want and be happy and secure in it. It's very difficult to do that when you are in bad place. You don't have to wait a year or two to get it sorted out and then start dating. You work on it now while you are also exploring relationships. They build upon one another. You can change your outlook pretty quickly and it will help you whether whatever storms dating has coming your way because you will know, like really know that you have something to offer and will be fine either way. Ok, just a bit of important advice, i think

[ladyheartbroken]

Well I know I am not being paranoid about the one girl at work talking **** about me behind my back to other people because I know of two instances where she was telling people I wasn't doing my job when I was and heard her tell another employee I am so stupid when I was asking her a question while in training. I saw them talking and looking over and laughing so... sometimes it's pretty obvious. When immature insecure women chose not to like another woman they can be pretty nasty and do whatever they can against her. It happens all the time, especially in a work place. I am not sure why you are so certain that this isn't what it is happening. I may be quiet and less experienced in dating but I am not stupid nor blind. I can pick up on people's attitudes, hear when they are whispering, see when they are looking at back and forth at me while talking to each other, etc.

 

That plus the temp is now friends with him on FB, too, in the last two days since he started ignoring me so... she wins! She updated her profile pic with a really sexy image and guess who is the top person on her list of "likes"? He didn't like any of my images when he friended me.

 

I knew it would happen. I don't know if he friended her or if she friended him but either way I'm just done. I feel so sick inside it hurts. You really think it's paranoia but it's not. I've been a part of this situation since the get go. All the guys at work dote over her when she's not there about how hot she is and how if they weren't married... I was friends with him first and that just couldn't be allowed. She knew it or he just heard everyone else talking about her so he wanted get in on it, too.

 

Either way I am now on the outside looking in and I don't know if I have the inner strength to go there and deal with these people every day. I knew from day 1 this girl was trouble and she was going to ruin my chances working there successfully when I saw how she was and I knew the moment she commented on him the first time that she was going to get in the way of my chances with him and now she has. He started brushing me off last week when she went out in the shop for a long time when she should have been working so I am pretty sure she was talking to him. When I saw him standing in the line on Friday behind them with that big smile on his face laughing with them and then he saw me and he looked away with no smile I knew something was not right.

Edited September 20, 2015 by ladybeanandcats

[smackie9]

Sorry but this guy is immature...come on now he's 22 years old, he's a kid, and he is acting like one....chasin after a hot skirt, and getting all googly eyed over it. Don't put the blame on her, it's him. He's the one that's being a twit.

[bolase]

Hey OP sorry that you're hurting and in a bad place.

 

While youve totally allowed some silly humans to get the best of you - when their interactions don't even have much to do with you - you can help yourself in this situation from here on by making some changes in your life outside work.

 

To be able to survive work as it is, works going to have to be less significant than the other things you do and put energy into. Like a jog each morning and a project or travel plan in your evenings. That way you can reduce the anxiety associated with going to work. The good news is that from where I stand not knowing you, you haven't done anything wrong except get ridiculously focused on this petty situation. These are not even people you admire.

 

If possible also start applying for other jobs or school; while the negativity here is yours and you need to own it, I think you could benefit from a totally different environment.

 

Some people are so introverted they haven't learned to take risks and get knocked around, ridiculed, etc, Which makes you stronger. Never too late to start taking some, if this is you. But aim higher than the people and place you're around.

[smackie9]

BTW I work with a lot of women somewhere around 20 plus, from the ages of 21 to 69. Most of them are the worst catty back stabbing b itches ever. It can get so brutal, fights break out, they need to be separated and not be paired up for jobs.....it's crazy. I'm an aggressive woman, I know they talk smack about me but I could care less....I'm not there to make friends, I'm there to do my job.

[smackie9]

To add you need to be reminded you are not there to win any popularity contests or use work as a dating pool. You were hired to do a job, and when you let your personal life over lap your work life, you end up losing your professionalism and it starts to affect your productivity. This is why a lot of us say it's never a good idea to date a co worker or get emotionally involved, for this very reason. When things go wrong, you may find yourself in a hostile work environment, and the humiliation of being the gossip around the water cooler. All what is going on at work now could have been avoided.

[ladyheartbroken]

He's actually 24 but still. It's the idea that all the guys at work are hot for her so I guess he wants to get in on it, too. I blame her for laying so much obvious temptation out on the table for them to make it impossible to ignore. I heard the one guy saying to another one she's sending him pics all day and it's driving him crazy cause if he wasn't married he'd bang the **** out of her. Like she knows what she's doing. She put that sexy pic up on purpose because my guy can see it and he liked it on purpose so that she'd know he saw it. It makes me feel like such a devastating ugly mess even if he is immature because so long as girls like her are around you know, I'll be left in the shadows.

 

As for getting the best of me... it does involve me because they are my coworkers and now they are making it hard for me to come to work and do my job, on purpose. They are deliberately ignoring me and not helping me rather making things harder on me than they do for anyone else. Like slapping their stuff in front of me while I am still taking care of someone else but sweetly asking the other girl if she needs them to do it for her if she's busy.

 

The funniest part of it is that she's got a boyfriend. Not sure where he is in all this and she hasn't friended any of the women from work. Just the men so... you know what's up there. I have insecurities but at least my life doesn't revolve around making sure I have the complete focus of every single male around. That's just sad. She's a dumb as bricks and there's really no substance behind the facade so... maybe he did see that about me and liked it but he's just too worried about what the cool guys will think so...

 

Says a lot and it's what I've always said about guys with new flashy fast cars. Most of his Fb profile highlights his awesome car. It's like his life so apparently he's just as shallow and superficial and insecure as she is that he needs a car like that and women like her associated with him with be considered a man.

 

It's deviousness behind it all that makes it hard for me to tolerate. The feeling that it's all been in an attempt to isolate me and make herself stand out no mater what the cost.

 

I will try going to work with a new attitude about it and just erasing all that **** from my mind like it was never there and just doing my job well and pleasantly. If I can find something else I will. It's too bad, I finally find a job with the potential for a lasting position and it ends up being so sucky. But from the start no matter how I've tried I never really have seemed to fit into the culture there. It's a very parochial sort of climate. I've twice college educated and cultured in the arts and the world and have already been questioned multiple times for why I "dress up" to be there. It's not a very professional environment. They are, as demonstrated through these stories, not professional acting people. Not really what I had in mind when I was hired for an "office position". My only hope is that this can blow over, settle down and move on and hang in until transition comes. They are going to be building a new building and maybe if I can hang in that long and just do my job well I can get out of that area and actually work inside. That would be hard though considering the women don't like me, they think I am stuck up because I am quiet and I wear nice work clothes.

 

One thing to add... the image on her profile that they're all hard over, is air brushed and/or photo shopped. Her skin is NOT that perfect in person. Not by a long shot. With a professional photographer and photoshop I could have a photo that looks just as hot. Just saying. At least I have my own personality and I don't have to be a dumb slut to get men's attention. Men who don't see through her act are just as dumb.

[ladyheartbroken]

That I know of there really isn't anything going on about he and I. It's just the idea that he was sort of leading me on in so many ways, complimenting me, etc and now he's obviously not interested in having any relationship with me outside of work. He's just been sucked into this sinkhole of favourtism towards this other girl who doesn't like me but also liked him and saw that he and I were being friendly and wanted to take away. Beyond that, I have not engaged in any sort of arguments with anyone, discussions, or otherwise. I haven't told a single other person in there how I feel about him or that we even hang out, unless he did. I just go there every day and do my work or try so. Friday was a really bad day, I didn't feel like going in at all but I made myself do it and regretted it all day. It was super busy and my coworkers were being asshats which made me eventually take on a rather indifferent attitude about the whole thing.

 

I'm just there to do my job as well. They are there to make friends apparently cause the person who is in the group but isn't one of the buddies is the person that gets crapped on. They seem to expect it. As I said before, it makes it hard to go in and do my work when I am stuck in a room interacting with people who have essentially locked me out and won't work well with because I didn't rock and roll into the place like miss rockstar kissing their asses and stroking their egos. She tried it with me even came to work with her hair just like mine her second week there but I didn't take the bait cause I knew it was an act. You're right though, it's a job. Just have to consider at one point can you keep doing your job if people go out of the way to make it hard to? I can't wait for the supervisor to come back to work so we can have a chat about the unwarranted breaks, the ignoring me when asking for someone to help a customer, etc.

[Versacehottie]

I had a long and helpful (I think) post for you but the site crashed on me and I lost it. Ok re-read what you've written. Defeatist, Pessimistic Attitude. You are letting your internal stuff "lose" things for you. Think about putting your best foot forward. What would your best self do? Would your best self be having these thoughts about all these external situations which you cannot control anyway (other girls etc.). These problems will just follow you to next attempt at a relationship unless you deal with them.

 

Good luck

[ladyheartbroken]

Too bad it got erased, I hate when that happens!! Would have liked to read it. Admittedly this is the worst time of month for this situation to happen. That plus the other stress at work is just a recipe for high emotion, higher than it might have been otherwise. My ability to approach this and handle it may have been very different if I wasn't already in such a low emotional state. It's like being kicked while already down, that sort of thing. Only time will tell how the remainder of this situation will play out. Hopefully it will balance out and smooth over and I can get back to my normal routine again. I just don't know man, I can't wrap my head around why he would say all those things to me like up to the day he stopped texting and even come over to me nearing the end of the day on Friday and still say he wants to go with me at some point but then ignore me. On Tuesday I was absolutely stunning in my new dress and he was sad that we hadn't gotten to talk at the end of the day because he wanted to tell me that. And then.... what??? Why??

 

He has no problem obviously sweet talking in text me so why can't he just man up and be honest but say it in as nice a way as he can that he doesn't want to get involved or something.

 

What you say is true I am not arguing that about energy. I've learned that it's easy for people to say that though who generally have always had things go right for them or easily because whatever things were in their favour. Good looks, great personality, success, etc. If you went through life consistently disappointed no matter how confident or positive or sure you were that things were going your way you learn to stop getting excited because it hurts. It's a matter of being a realist, too. I'll keep trying, but that doesn't mean I will magically change overnight and become this person who is all the things I am not now. I am working on those issues, my self esteem and all, but it would be slightly easier to build myself up if once in a while there wasn't so much force to fight against.

 

My best self would be able to just get over it and go into work bright eyed and bushy tailed as if it's going to be a great day and face the day with a happy attitude. I'm sick right now so that's not going to be help me cause all I want to do is stay in my pajamas and drink tea and relax.

 

Unfortunately some people are just very deep thinkers, deeper than many and it's bad and good. Good because we can pick up on stuff others may not have but bad it's a bit isolating and we get caught up on too many details. It's never bad to have an idea of how to protect oneself from others who wouldn't mind seeing you go down. Knowing what to look for and how to protect yourself is important, especially for someone who is all too aware of how vulnerable they are to people's sneaky behaviour. Until I learn just how to protect myself as others do and stand my ground it's going to be tough. Like I don't always know when someone is underhandedly trying to insult me or not so either I think they are and get out of shape for no reason or they are but I don't take it that way or don't know how to properly react so they think I am a doormat cause they can say whatever they want to me. If every future relationship is going to be this way, I'm not sure I want it to be honest.

[Versacehottie]

Too bad it got erased, I hate when that happens!! Would have liked to read it. Admittedly this is the worst time of month for this situation to happen. That plus the other stress at work is just a recipe for high emotion, higher than it might have been otherwise. My ability to approach this and handle it may have been very different if I wasn't already in such a low emotional state. It's like being kicked while already down, that sort of thing. Only time will tell how the remainder of this situation will play out. Hopefully it will balance out and smooth over and I can get back to my normal routine again. I just don't know man, I can't wrap my head around why he would say all those things to me like up to the day he stopped texting and even come over to me nearing the end of the day on Friday and still say he wants to go with me at some point but then ignore me. On Tuesday I was absolutely stunning in my new dress and he was sad that we hadn't gotten to talk at the end of the day because he wanted to tell me that. And then.... what??? Why??

 

He has no problem obviously sweet talking in text me so why can't he just man up and be honest but say it in as nice a way as he can that he doesn't want to get involved or something.

 

What you say is true I am not arguing that about energy. I've learned that it's easy for people to say that though who generally have always had things go right for them or easily because whatever things were in their favour. Good looks, great personality, success, etc. If you went through life consistently disappointed no matter how confident or positive or sure you were that things were going your way you learn to stop getting excited because it hurts. It's a matter of being a realist, too. I'll keep trying, but that doesn't mean I will magically change overnight and become this person who is all the things I am not now. I am working on those issues, my self esteem and all, but it would be slightly easier to build myself up if once in a while there wasn't so much force to fight against.

 

My best self would be able to just get over it and go into work bright eyed and bushy tailed as if it's going to be a great day and face the day with a happy attitude. I'm sick right now so that's not going to be help me cause all I want to do is stay in my pajamas and drink tea and relax.

 

Unfortunately some people are just very deep thinkers, deeper than many and it's bad and good. Good because we can pick up on stuff others may not have but bad it's a bit isolating and we get caught up on too many details. It's never bad to have an idea of how to protect oneself from others who wouldn't mind seeing you go down. Knowing what to look for and how to protect yourself is important, especially for someone who is all too aware of how vulnerable they are to people's sneaky behaviour. Until I learn just how to protect myself as others do and stand my ground it's going to be tough. Like I don't always know when someone is underhandedly trying to insult me or not so either I think they are and get out of shape for no reason or they are but I don't take it that way or don't know how to properly react so they think I am a doormat cause they can say whatever they want to me. If every future relationship is going to be this way, I'm not sure I want it to be honest.

 

Ok, good you have the first step of working on your self-esteem taken care of:

a) a desire to do it and a self-awareness

 

Now next question, what are you actively doing to change it? You can't just change it in your head by willing it to be that. That's why I keep harping on your negativity. That essentially IS a sign of your self-esteem and outlook. What you can change on a moment to moment basis is how you frame things. When you describe a situation, do you think you could describe it differently? Even if there is very little that is positive, do you think you could describe the event that way? If you could describe things that way TO yourself, it will click in your brain before too long that things are going just they way they should be for you. Knowing you have a way to go just try to be at neutral.

 

Here's a small example of how to reframe something. For example, you said you were sick today. As an experiment to learn how to teach yourself to think positively, think of all the reasons why that is good. I can think of two right off the top of my head. Glad I'm sick this weekend, with all that's going on at work, the worst of it will probably be over by tomorrow when I go back. Glad I don't have to see my crush while I'm not feeling my best. Try to do that with every small thing that comes up over the next days. Once you get better at it, you will be able to apply to bigger situations. And once you stop seeing yourself in these negative terms and that everything is a fight, things will start to flow for you. It totally works and part of this theory is proven scientific fact.

 

You think you are being a realist, and it may be partially true, but each time you color your world this way, you dig yourself deeper and deeper into a hole that is hard to get out of. If you go back and analyze what you say to yourself, you are making one time events projected into pervasive thoughts about yourself and your relation to the world. And permanent ones. This sets you up for pessimism and bitter and depression. You should also find, if you don't have already, other consistent and active ways to work on your self esteem. To be honest, being in a thing with this guy can be one of them and your reactions to the temp also. Those both might be a little advanced though for where you are now, emotionally and self-esteem wise. Ok keep working. Good luck

[ladyheartbroken]

Here is a good example though of what you are talking about and how I did recently try to apply that attitude to a bad thing or find a silver lining if you will.

 

The job I am currently doing is not what I was hired to do and I don't want to do it. I want to be doing what I was doing before and I don't know if there is actually any plan to put things back to the way they were or if they intend to just keep me there without finding a replacement for the person that quit.

 

Initially though resisting the situation I tried to find the silver lining in it in that

1: I wouldn't have to worry as much about the need to socialize with everyone the way I was before because I am no longer sitting within the group so I can kinda just sit there and do my own thing

2: at first, it gave him more of an opportunity to come over and talk whereas before, my back was turned away from everyone.

 

However I don't want to be doing it anymore. Not forever. I want to go back to my normal routine, the job I was much better at and it's not fair to be railroaded into a job I never signed on for.

 

I'd love the option to just not go back there. Being sick I called out today and feel like I need another day to rest tomorrow. I need to get better, clear my head, and mentally prepare to walk back in there with a refreshed attitude.

 

I'll just have to totally do my own thing and ignore everyone I guess. I didnt do anything to him to deserve being ignored and nothing happened between us to warrant being treated like something happened so I still suspect foul play, someone saying something against me to make him do this. I don't understand why he would even make the effort to come over and talk to me on Friday after I talked to him on my lunch break inviting him to and then say he still wants to go with me and all but then he acts like I am not even here.

 

Just pretend we never talked ever when I face him again? It's pretty ****ed up and that is what is going to make it awkward, sitting there wondering if in fact someone was saying something nasty about me. It still hurts, like a lot, to feel that rejected even if it was a small gesture friending her on FB and liking her sexy new photo. It's the same as saying I am with these guys, I don't like you, I want her, so forget we ever talked.

 

I can't move on from that idea that she feels now like she won. She took away from me the one thing I liked about working there, him. She knew we were talking and she made it a point to get him on her side too. Devious and gossipy bimbo that she is.

 

I am trying like hell to just rise above and rekindle my bond with the things in my own life that make me special. Going to the special places I enjoy and getting back in touch with things that make me feel like I am better than that high school crap. Connecting with the mature people in my life who appreciate me. Making dates with new guys even if it is from online dating sites.

 

As for careers I got the notice today of when to schedule the next step in the interview process for the state police academy. I'd love to go all the way with that and get the chance to get the hell away from these petty dead end jobs and do something that is actually meaningful and appreciated. Where being serious about my job would be an asset for a change, where my talents would be more utilized. That I've come this far has already boosted my esteem because not everyone could come this far. I'm educated, I'm cultured, I may not be the hottest female int he world but I like to think that what I lack in popular ideas of beauty I make up for with class and talent. I had thought that that was why he sought me. Franky I am surprised he even likes her because a guy like him generally wouldn't go that route in terms of his taste in women. Not a metal head, anyway so he's obviously just a fake, too. Besides, any man who makes his brand new fast car the central part of his existence obviously has problems of his own. I don't chase after any man simply because of what kind of car he has, particularly given the fact he told me his mother cosigned for the loan on it. Small man trying to build a large facade for himself ei the frequent association with trophy women other men will be jealous of a car everyone will admire, etc.

 

I don't need that **** and it's his loss in the end cause she does a lot more talking than she can probably back up. It's just too bad manipulative entitled behaviour will get someone whatever they want even if they do not deserve it.

 

God give me the strength to be better than that lame behaviour and walk in there with my head held high and earn my respect the right way.

[Qboro90]

You're forcing yourself into a roller coaster of emotional highs and lows. What happens if this guy comes over to your desk or texts you tomorrow and says "hey hey where ya been!? Feel like I haven't seen you in forever, want to grab lunch?" Or if he says "hey sorry if I've been all over the place the last few days, had something going on at home that kind of had my mind occupied and all over" Or texts "hey.. Record store Thursday?".

 

You would be back to "he really does like me, he came over and explained what he had going on and We talked about music, love Him!!"

 

Because right now, it's literally only been a few days of his attention not being fully on you. Correct me if I'm wrong but you said you texted him asking if he wanted a drink and he didn't so it's not like he's just acting like you don't exist. You're just not getting the same attention as a week ago, or the attention you want.

 

And the temp.... I've been around girls who dislike one another, or girls where one is fake towards the other. So let me just caution you about watching your behavior and body language/comments/tone around co workers. Perhaps there's a reason you feel left out and it's the vibe your co workers get from you. That's something you can easily fix with an upbeat attitude and outward expression. If others see you're in a good mood and enjoying your day then they will feed off of that and include you because you're enjoyable to be around.

 

The temp girl has a boyfriend. She's not hooking up or "stealing" this guy away from you. She's actually not doing anything that is inappropriate other than being social... Is she bring flirtatious? Probably. But so what. If she wasn't pretty, and the other men didn't vocalize that...would you still be threatened by her or feel as negatively towards her as you do? You could've made her an ally. When she did her hair like you, you could've gotten her to be your inside girl and used her to get info from the guy you like and read into how he felt about you. Even if you weren't best friends, if she felt like you were always nice to her and she knew anything about your life and interests then she may have held back on her contact with your crush. It's much harder to flirt with a guy that you know your friendly co worker who you talk to every day likes. Alienating yourself from her makes that impossible. She's got no reason not to talk to him and probably has no idea the extent to which you like him.

 

Furthermore with her... The Facebook likes and who friended who. Excessive. First of all your crush wasn't the first one to "like" her picture. The people who you have as "common friends" just appear first when you open up/click on the likes button to see who the "likers " were. Not that it matters if he liked it first or last. Or that a Facebook like means absolutely anything in 2015.

 

There was an earlier post in this thread of yours where you were debating "how and when" to add this crush on Facebook. I recall replying to that advising you not to think so much Into it and it's not a big deal. Just friend him and like a photo or status update if you felt like it. He's not going to think "oh man she wants me, I'll mess with her now".

 

This temp just proved that. He may have added her, she may have added him but if her boyfriend went and asked her "hey who's that guy who liked your profile pic".... She can just say "oh that's just Mark, he just works at my job, as a mechanic"... No big deal at all. Co workers add and like colleagues on Fb every day. She's attractive.... So what. You think as if you have 0 chance with a guy if there's any girls around who you consider "prettier" than you or "trashier and inappropriately dressed for attention".

 

Using your AC example. So there were trashy girls there dressed in stripper heels and dresses. If you just give up and think "I have no chance, every guy here can just go talk to one of them, they're not gonna talk to me because I respect myself and these girls clearly don't". Why did you even go there if that's how you look at it?

 

There's always gonna be someone prettier, someone smarter, someone with a better job or more money, or a nicer house or car or who is well traveled. You need to believe that you could win any guy you want over by showing them the kind of girl you are and regardless of how your competition looks or acts or dresses, you're the one with more to offer. If you like this guy, go freaking get him. Don't pout and start saying "he's not who I though he was... If he likes a pic of a pretty girl or a model then he's obviously a immature player who I don't want anything to do with"... Cmon... Text him or go up to him at work and ask him to grab lunch with you or ask him to get a drink afterwards.

 

If he says no or gives you an excuse then at least you tried and went after it, then at the very least you know he's not interested instead of having no idea what he was thinking as you do now.

 

You don't like you cashier position? Ask the person who hired you or your manager if they have 5 minutes because there's something you'd like to discuss with him. "I think this is a great company and when I applied for the _____ position ____ ago I was thrilled you felt I could add to the superb culture and business you have here. Having a "team" attitude I was willing to do what was needed of me when the cashier left and you needed someone to fill in. It's been ___ weeks/months now and while I want to be an asset, I feel like my attributes are being wasted at that position. I spent four years in college (or worked my way up for 5 years) to be qualified for the position you hired me for and I feel like it's only fair to be given the opportunity to do so. Did you have a timeline for hiring someone to be a cashier or were you thinking I was a permanent fix?"

 

 

Or you can just give up, hate your job and the people you work with and accept defeat before the battle even begins.

[smackie9]

n that

I don't understand why he would even make the effort to come over and talk to me on Friday after I talked to him on my lunch break inviting him to and then say he still wants to go with me and all but then he acts like I am not even here.

 

Just pretend we never talked ever when I face him again? It's pretty ****ed up and that is what is going to make it awkward, sitting there wondering if in fact someone was saying something nasty about me. It still hurts, like a lot, to feel that rejected even if it was a small gesture friending her on FB and liking her sexy new photo. It's the same as saying I am with these guys, I don't like you, I want her, so forget we ever talked.

 

This is why...he is obviously immature, a follower, selfish, and has a short attention span. Stop blaming her for everything, he is proving himself that he is a twit. You dodged a bullet, he turned out to be not suitable

for a relationship.