Should I be angry? Online flirting

[happysmile]

I think he went from a massive flirt, casually dated, caught some feelings, went exclusive and now he is back on the chase. Sorry OP.

 

These girls are local and accessible, not celebrities, so I am guessing his flirting may indeed have a purpose.

 

He is 32, not some sex starved 17 yo, so at best he is very needy for validation and at worst he is actually cheating or seriously thinking about it or is just looking for a way out of this relationship.

 

The fact he has just reverted to type, despite supposedly being "serious", is bad news here.

 

Unfortunately (fortunately?) this has crossed my mind and I'll just give him that out by being the one to break it up. He hasn't acted any differently otherwise though, so who knows.

[happysmile]

Clarifying again that *some* are Instagram celebrities and *some* are local/accessible, but not all. Not that it really matters, but want to make it clear in case anyone misinterprets.

 

Thank you again everyone for all your input. I really, really, really appreciate it.

[todreaminblue]

To clarify, by "taking seriously" he meant as someone he would want a long-term relationship with because it's based purely physical attraction/admiration and that's not what a relationship is about. He wasn't referring to the woman's value, her opinions, place in life, etc.

 

I do love how you put this and I agree with you. I can't say this doesn't apply to him. I don't know at this point.

 

thankyou for clarifying i dont know if i would change much of what i wrote on your clarification......i still personally would be watching that red flag.......but...in saying that....you have to go on how you feel....you know him the best ...over me over anyone who offers advice on here.....i think your idea of talking to him is sound....follow your heart when you do ....and consider what makes you happy when pursuing a relationship with this man......as well as what he is looking for in a relationship with you my wishes for you ...are to be at peace with whatever you decide is best for you...and for him...best wishes..deb.....

[SSJROMANCE]

Are you not boyfriend/girlfriend because of HIS choosing or because of YOURS? If it's because of YOUR choosing then you really don't have a choice in the matter. If it's because of HIS choosing then you have to ask the question why? Maybe he just wants to play around even after 6 months and if that is OK with you then no hurt no foul.

 

I personally don't see why after 6 months you guys aren't either committed in a relationship or parted separate ways unless it's a mutual agreement of some sort. Good luck.

[ExpatInItaly]

I appreciate your honesty, but this is way off base. Like I said in my post, we were casually dating at first. So none of that mattered to me. Why should it when it wasn't serious and he's single/free to do whatever he wants as I was too? Stalking his online activities that early on was the least of my concerns. (Also by casual I don't mean casual sex. We weren't sleeping together, so I didn't have that to worry about)

 

Now, like I said in my post, when he wanted to be exclusive he had stopped all of this online flirting and he stopped seeing other people. He did this voluntarily and I made sure he wasn't lying. To me, if my knowing he flirted online was a warning sign, the fact that he stopped completely negated that.

 

Furthermore, we talked about the future, how much we mean to one another, what we truly wanted from each other/in a relationship, whether we had marriage in mind and all the other stuff you discuss when you want something serious and long term with someone.

 

I think most people would see all of this as a good sign to give someone a decent chance. You can tell me I'm wrong, but you can't say I did it due to a lack of self respect.

 

This is another thing that really got to me. He stopped, then one day suddenly he started again? In 3 days he's followed a total of 42 (!!!) "insta-ho's" and is liking/commenting left and right. WHAT is that about and what happened that he decided to start again?? It's like he's making up for lost time and it's like he's not even trying to hide it, unless he just thinks I'm dumb and I wouldn't know the better.

 

He's a flirt. He maybe thought he could put a cap on it but apparently not. For whatever reason, he enjoys it.

 

I would be turned off at that, honestly. It's one thing to follow some celebrities but as you said, some of these girls are local. The comments are a bit juvenile, in my opinion. He's 32, not 18. I would expect more discretion from a guy at that age. But at least now you know.

[elaine567]

Explained above, we were taking things slow: One thing he and I have in common (or so I thought?) is we both consider BF/GF relationships very, very serious, so neither of us go straight from casual dating to BF/GF. So the "exclusive" phase is to stop dating others, focus on and REALLY get to know each other and see if we're ready to take it to the relationship level.

 

I thought I wanted him to be my boyfriend and we were on our way there based on the progress we made, conversations we had, his actions, and things he promised.

 

Now? Not so much.

 

Personally I think this whole taking it slow, has tripped you up here.

YOU have thus allowed him some leeway to chase other women.

OK you are "exclusive" but are not bf/gf, so you are in essence an "exclusive" FWB, and as that, you have no real status. YOU are just a woman he spends some time with.

He has no status either and apart from promising sexual exclusiveness, there is no real bond, no real commitment, he is NOT your bf and his wandering eye is thus off somewhere else.

 

Why on earth do you need 6 months to decide if you are bf/gf?

Bf/gf is a very minor step, but it is an important step.

"We like each other, we want to spend time together and we do not want to see and sleep with other people." It is a very minor commitment, it can be undone in a second, it doesn't need 6 months of taking it slow to get to the conclusion - we want to be bf/gf.

That could have been decided in week 2, it is NOT about deciding if you want to marry, have kids and grow old together. It is about, yes I am interested in you, yes, we can give it a go, yes we can be exclusive and yes, we can see ourselves as a couple. YOU are my bf and I am your gf and let's just see where that takes us.

 

Leaving it open ended for so long, with nothing really decided, I guess was a big mistake.

[katiegrl]

Personally I think this whole taking it slow, has tripped you up here.

YOU have thus allowed him some leeway to chase other women.

OK you are "exclusive" but are not bf/gf, so you are in essence an "exclusive" FWB, and as that, you have no real status. YOU are just a woman he spends some time with.

He has no status either and apart from promising sexual exclusiveness, there is no real bond, no real commitment, he is NOT your bf and his wandering eye is thus off somewhere else.

 

Why on earth do you need 6 months to decide if you are bf/gf?

Bf/gf is a very minor step, but it is an important step.

"We like each other, we want to spend time together and we do not want to see and sleep with other people." It is a very minor commitment, it can be undone in a second, it doesn't need 6 months of taking it slow to get to the conclusion - we want to be bf/gf.

That could have been decided in week 2, it is NOT about deciding if you want to marry, have kids and grow old together. It is about, yes I am interested in you, yes, we can give it a go, yes we can be exclusive and yes, we can see ourselves as a couple. YOU are my bf and I am your gf and let's just see where that takes us.

 

Leaving it open ended for so long, with nothing really decided, I guess was a big mistake.

 

elaine, I completely agree with you!

 

This *let's take it slow* crap is just a ruse for *let's keep options open* .....the option to flirt, chase and date others....and by agreeing to *take it slow* you essentially gave him permission to behave exactly how he is behaving.

 

I could understand two months, but SIX months? Who needs six months to decide they like someone enough to refer to them as their girlfriend/boyfriend?

 

I dunno maybe those with commitment issues, but for most people, six months is MORE than enough time to know how you feel and what you want...

 

Boyfriend/girlfriend is a very low level of commitment IMO. If he (or you) can't even *commit* to that after six months, something is terribly wrong with your relationship .....as evidenced here by his on line activity, which indicates, to me, he is not taking you or your relationship seriously, and may even mean he is on his way OUT...or simply keeping you around for sex, whatevs, until he finds someone he likes better.

 

.

Edited August 28, 2015 by katiegrl

[Versacehottie]

Thanks and I get where you're coming from, but I can't approach this in a "cool girl," funny way because I feel that he is being disrespectful and I am hurt.

 

I should have clarified earlier: By Instagram famous, I don't necessarily mean Instagram celebrities, but there are some. I also mean women who have like 2K, 1K, or even <500 followers, but do get a ton of likes and comments because of their provocative pics.

 

 

 

I don't know if he knows any of them personally. I doubt it, but who knows. I don't know if I want to know.

 

Yes, some follow him back, maybe about a third of them.

 

Other than makeup selfies and cleavage shots, most of the pics are very provocative. In underwear, almost naked in bathtubs, widespread thighs in bed and the like.

 

Well it sounds like it has some porn(ish) value to him obviously. Heightened by the fact that some of those are actually accessible. At least that's the way it seems to me. Social media does make things more complicated and create unnecessary drama. Yeah the ones that follow him back would bug me (of him). A lot of those want you to start direct msg'ing for other sorts of relationships--paying for webcam stuff, other photos, etc, escort-y. Plus if he is leaving crude comments. It's all murky. And some of it's harmless, some of it's not--depending on how he is using it and what he plans to do with it in the future. I can see your point and would definitely say something. Gauge his reaction and see what happens. Good luck.

[Versacehottie]

I don't know HOW to word it better but i think if you say "flirt" to him in discussing it, he will try to say no big deal. Flirt is like facebook stuff when they are truly friends or when you've actually in person with the person and he will try to dispute that he has no plans to escalate things with these random online people that he's never met.

 

I would concentrate on the degrading, doing stuff behind your back and and basically making his porn activities a public thing. Maybe some others can chime in here and come up with some better wording/things to say. But I think if you call it flirting he is going to try to spin it on you like you're wrong that's not what I'm doing and the discussion will be about something else. Concentrate on the disrespectful nature of it and that you don't believe it is what exclusive people should be doing (that's pretty much what bothers you right?)

[katiegrl]

I don't know HOW to word it better but i think if you say "flirt" to him in discussing it, he will try to say no big deal. Flirt is like facebook stuff when they are truly friends or when you've actually in person with the person and he will try to dispute that he has no plans to escalate things with these random online people that he's never met.

 

I would concentrate on the degrading, doing stuff behind your back and and basically making his porn activities a public thing. Maybe some others can chime in here and come up with some better wording/things to say. But I think if you call it flirting he is going to try to spin it on you like you're wrong that's not what I'm doing and the discussion will be about something else. Concentrate on the disrespectful nature of it and that you don't believe it is what exclusive people should be doing (that's pretty much what bothers you right?)

 

Versacehottie, you know I usually agree with most of what you post, but in this case, not sure what you think would be resolved/accomplished by her *talking* to him.

 

Do you really think, just because she tells him she is uncomfortable with it, he is miraculously gonna change his ways?

 

This is who he is .. .his character. You can't change a man's character...no matter how many talks you have with him.

 

It's been SIX months, he does not even feel committed enough to refer to her as his girlfriend, IMO there is nothing to be gained here by discussing this with him.

 

He will either become defensive ...blame her for snooping ... or downplay it to appease her so he can continue having sex with her with no commitment.

 

This is like a HUGE red flag.....one of the biggest there is. It's not a big leap to go from *flirting* and skulking women on line ....to actual cheating.

 

In fact, most men who cheat started out with this type of on line *flirting*.

 

And then there is the degrading, the overall disrespect....yikes!

 

IMO, there is nothing to discuss except to wish him well and walk away. Better yet, run!

 

He is bad news IMO and will eventually rip your heart to shreds if you allow it.

[Versacehottie]

oh yeah I agree with you katie mostly. OP, if after giving him a choice to stop it for good as qboro described and gauging his reaction during the discussion and depending on what he said, I'd be prepared to walk. If he stopped the behavior, and there were no other problems and did how it turned out with qboro's situation, me personally I could get over it. Though I totally agree that he could just go underground with the behavior which is then deception etc that would definitely be a dealbreaker. That's why I said in my first post, that she should try to make it more transparent behavior between the two of them.

 

I kinda think he's using it like a porn outlet. I'm wondering if she could just have him onto porn if it would bother her? Some girls get so insanely jealous of that, that's it's unrealistic. I think though he's prob into the more accessibility that is now available with this type of venue so it would prob be harder for him to stop or convince himself he is doing anything wrong. I think if she is not getting the answers she finds sufficient from him or if she feels he's being dishonest or taking the behavior underground, I would walk. Mostly because it would show an inability to compromise and if lying, dishonesty. I would not be signing up for that!! I agree with the OP though that I can see why she didn't outright try to control it at the beginning of their relationship. I agree with why and the fact that she did it then--unfortunately, as it happens in a lot of relationships with guys, if you don't absolutely nip it in the bud upfront and first time it bothers you, it will pop up again. Now it likely will be a reoccurring point of contention and I think it is highly likely he will just take this behavior underground.

 

For her own sanity, I think she'd probably want to talk to him first. For her own clarity and to let him know that she is on verge of leaving him. She should be super discerning with what he says, does and how she feels EVEN IF he agrees to stop. Sometimes this stuff is just a symptom, which is what I think some of you are hinting at.

[katiegrl]

I don't think it's akin to porn. Not at all.

 

Porn is *looking at* (and perhaps jerking off to) strangers on the internet.

 

What he is doing is *interacting* with these women, some instafamous, some LOCAL.

 

Behind the OP's back...

 

Making degrading comments ...or otherwise heavily flirting and making *suggestive* comments....to which they respond back. Interacting with them ...IMO inappropriately being that he IS in an *exclusive* relationship with the OP.

 

In what world is this even remotely acceptable.... and even worthy of a discussion?

 

It is not like this is a long term committed relationship ...where there has been love, respect and support throughout the years, and this is some new behavior from him.

 

This is a brand new relationship ....so new in fact, he can't even bring himself to refer to her as his girlfriend.

 

This is the time during which SHE decides if this is a man with whom to go forward in a committed relationship. A man with INTEGRITY, and strong character.

 

He is not displaying any of that...not from what I can see anyway.

 

No, at this early stage, IMO she needs to wish him well and walk away quietly...

 

Find a guy with some integrity, and who respects women...and YOU. A man with a strong character who doesn't get off from skulking out women on the internet, inappropriately interacting with them, making degrading and other *suggestive comments*.

 

Ugh.

[elaine567]

I don't really think it matters why he is doing it.

The fact he is now doing it, after specifically stopping all online flirting when they became exclusive, is saying something pretty loud and clear here.

 

"I like you so much, I am excluding all other women" has now turned into him telling other women "you're so beautiful" "amazing body" and "I'm in love."

The last one being particularly ironic, since after 6 months of being together, the OP is still NOT even in a bf/gf relationship with him.

 

The OP is correct in her initial thoughts, she HAS to break up with him, this is going nowhere fast.

[Versacehottie]

I think it's his outlet for his porn habit not that it is akin to it. It's is dangerous and different because he has a possibility to really connect with these people and it's all happening publicly which is disrespectful to the OP. If he would agree to switch to traditional porn privately, wondering if she would have a problem with it? A lot of girls are just overly and unrealistically jealous. I don't think she is being that but that's a compromise that I think is fair if that's the reason he is doing it. Kinda funny to suggest but it's a new world. I think he will resist because once you have contact with a sexual connotation that gives the appearance of being accessible and you can comment to them etc., it would seem to up the excitement.

 

I didn't read so much into the totality of their relationship. Don't have an opinion on that either way. I think his reaction to making changes to this issue though will tell a great deal about the real status of their relationship in his mind and it's potential or not to be a good one long term.

[elaine567]

I don't think it's akin to porn. Not at all.

 

Porn is *looking at* (and perhaps jerking off to) strangers on the internet.

 

What he is doing is *interacting* with these women, some instafamous, some LOCAL.

 

Behind the OP's back...

 

Making degrading comments ...or otherwise heavily flirting and making *suggestive* comments....to which they respond back. Interacting with them ...IMO inappropriately being that he IS in an *exclusive* relationship with the OP.

 

In what world is this even remotely acceptable.... and even worthy of a discussion?

 

 

I agree once a person starts "interacting", it ceases being simply porn and starts being real life.

In real life interacting in a sexual way with other women is called cheating.

[Mjm1014]

I would be upset. I'm a guy that's the same age, and was in a relationship with a girl that was like that this time last year. She was the exact same way, constantly flirting with guys, liking pictures on Instagram, and commenting how hot guys were. When I confronted her, she told me she was just friends with them and tried to make me feel guilty for getting upset. We ended up breaking up because I couldn't take her drama and her shadiness and the next day she was going out with her so called "friend" that she constantly would flirt with, posting their relationship status over Facebook.

 

What I learned, if someone is like that, then you are clearly only an option/placeholder for them until something better comes along. Most people aren't stupid and know exactly what they are doing even if they deny it. In laymens terms-you're being played. Run!

[Diezel]

I hear that competition anxiety can make for some very healthy relationships.

[katiegrl]

I agree once a person starts "interacting", it ceases being simply porn and starts being real life.

In real life interacting in a sexual way with other women is called cheating.

 

Exactly especially since he is hiding the behavior from the OP and she only discovered it via snooping.

 

That's considered deception, and that is precisely what cheating is....deception.

 

Yes it's a new world V, but this new world should not give license to men to sneak around interacting inappropriately with women, either on line or in real life...again that just goes to his character, no matter what world we're living in.

 

Anyhoo ....guess we will just have to agree to disagree in this one.

 

I would be interested in hearing Qboro's thoughts too re what I posted.

 

I usually agree with him too, even though he does have a propensity to lean more to the side of men, giving them the benefit of the doubt and all that.

 

I just don't think that benefit of the doubt applies here though....to me there IS no doubt.

 

He lacks integrity and has a weak character....clearly.

 

But would be interested in his thoughts regardless.

[DatingDirection]

Why are people such users? Why do they do this?

 

 

"So it makes you wonder if he's simply biding his time w-the OP until he finds a woman he's more attracted to.

[katiegrl]

Just wanted to add (in case anyone is wondering)... I have no problem with porn.

 

Both my boyfriend and I watch, together AND separately...and enjoy it. Watching it has enhanced our otherwise extremely hot sex life.... :bunny:

 

IMO, his behavior has nothing to do with porn or an outlet for porn.

 

Not even sure how anyone can even make that assumption...porn is looking at strangers, he is interacting with real women, live ....making degrading, disrespectful and otherwise inappropriate and suggestive comments and responding back and forth with these women....

 

Not even remotely related to porn IMO, except to say the women are no doubt sexy and hot (generally speaking).

Edited August 28, 2015 by katiegrl

[Versacehottie]

Exactly especially since he is hiding the behavior from the OP and she only discovered it via snooping.

 

That's considered deception, and that is precisely what cheating is....deception.

 

Yes it's a new world V, but this new world should not give license to men to sneak around interacting inappropriately with women, either on line or in real life...again that just goes to his character, no matter what world we're living in.

 

Anyhoo ....guess we will just have to agree to disagree in this one.

 

I would be interested in hearing Qboro's thoughts too re what I posted.

 

I usually agree with him too, even though he does have a propensity to lean more to the side of men, giving them the benefit of the doubt and all that.

 

I just don't think that benefit of the doubt applies here though....to me there IS no doubt.

 

He lacks integrity and has a weak character....clearly.

 

But would be interested in his thoughts regardless.

 

Yeah, um I don't think this behavior is ok. Especially the deception. So I don't think we actually disagree. It's a new world and bring problems people haven't encountered before. That's all. I didn't say it was ok:bunny:

[kendahke]

Now, like I said in my post, when he wanted to be exclusive he had stopped all of this online flirting and he stopped seeing other people. He did this voluntarily and I made sure he wasn't lying. To me, if my knowing he flirted online was a warning sign, the fact that he stopped completely negated that.

 

That being the case, then you need to consider that he no longer feels that way--or he feels as if he's got you in pocket and doesn't have to worry about you-- and didn't have the stones to tell you to your face that he needs the thrill of IG girls and their pictures.

 

Furthermore, we talked about the future, how much we mean to one another, what we truly wanted from each other/in a relationship, whether we had marriage in mind and all the other stuff you discuss when you want something serious and long term with someone.

 

However, that is not a contract to anything. People talk about the future all the time and then change their minds--yeah it's ishtty as all hell, but there it is. People do do that and people get hurt behind it. Nothing hurts worse than finding out someone who made clear their intentions towards you have, behind your back, changed their mind--but they are free to do so.

 

This is another thing that really got to me. He stopped, then one day suddenly he started again? In 3 days he's followed a total of 42 (!!!) "insta-ho's" and is liking/commenting left and right. WHAT is that about and what happened that he decided to start again?? It's like he's making up for lost time and it's like he's not even trying to hide it, unless he just thinks I'm dumb and I wouldn't know the better.

 

He's addicted to the thrill. Does he know that you're this hurt and upset by it? (No, I haven't read this thread through as I don't have time to right now)