First Phone Call

[JewelD]

***UPDATE***

 

So the girl texted me this morning and said "sorry. i found out some disturbing personal info about someone i was dealing with and I'm just trying to get that situated. I didn't want to bring you in the middle of that..."

 

wtf does that mean. Is that code for 'fck off' or is it a legit explanation? I'm guessing 'dealing with' means dating or fckin around with. So part of me is like, you're too busy to talk to me bc ur stressing over someone else ur talking to? I didn't need to hear that, she could have just said she was dealing with personal issues. Although volunteering this extra info leads me to believe it might be true.

 

I don't understand if this is her way of breaking it off or if she just needs some time to herself. Starting not to give af either way honestly, but what do you guys think?

[Redhead14]

So I've been talking to this girl I met online for a couple of weeks. Tonight, she called me for the first time. And I feel..let down. Although I'm not sure I should.

 

We talked for a little over an hour, we laughed, flirted, talked about making plans to see each other for labor day weekend. But there were a few moments in the convo that made me feel...some type of way.

 

She told me that she's talking to another girl she met around the same time as me. and that automatically made me feel bad. Obviously she's single and she has every right to do so, but I'm 2hrs away and the other girl lives near her. I'm a great catch, but it's going to take us longer to get to know each other bc of distance. I just feel like the other girl has an advantage over me. I would hate to catch feelings for her and then be cut off bc she wants to date the other girl.

 

She also mentioned her short attention span and how she almost forgot to call me. Idk, I think I made the mistake of fantasizing too much and expecting this perfectly amazing person and now that I see she's just a person, I kinda feel disappointed.

 

But other than my ridiculously high expectations not being met, it was a good conversation, it was normal even though I was nervous as hell. Do you think it's worth a shot continuing with this girl? ik I definitely need to make her less of a priority since I'm not a big one on her list. I just don't know how to proceed from here. I'm tired of pursuing her and I'd like the roles to be reversed.

 

I just feel like the other girl has an advantage over me. -- Until you stop letting this be part of your thought process, she will. And, you're already making a decision for her. Let her decide that and let the chips fall where they may. If you are such a great catch, she may actually choose you anyway. Who knows. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. You haven't even met in person yet. You don't know whether or not you are a big priority on her list. Unless she actually said that to you, you are mind-reading.

[jen1447]

***UPDATE***

 

So the girl texted me this morning and said "sorry. i found out some disturbing personal info about someone i was dealing with and I'm just trying to get that situated. I didn't want to bring you in the middle of that..."

 

wtf does that mean. Is that code for 'fck off' or is it a legit explanation? I'm guessing 'dealing with' means dating or fckin around with. So part of me is like, you're too busy to talk to me bc ur stressing over someone else ur talking to? I didn't need to hear that, she could have just said she was dealing with personal issues. Although volunteering this extra info leads me to believe it might be true.

 

I don't understand if this is her way of breaking it off or if she just needs some time to herself. Starting not to give af either way honestly, but what do you guys think?

 

I don't think it matters. So she had some drama somewhere, so what? That makes her unable to return texts? No. She's just showing what her priorities are and explaining them away without really apologizing. Take it all for what it actually means.

 

fwiw I'd put her on post - stop reaching out but if she gets in touch with you, be agreeable. If she doesn't, no big loss. (And if she does, only respond as it's convenient for you.) This isn't to 'even the score,' it's just treating ppl the way they've shown they should be treated, since her standard should apply to herself as well.

[JewelD]

Ugh, I just really hate uncertainty. Like why not just be blunt and say, I do want to talk to you or I don't want to talk to you? I think her text was specifically vague in order to leave the door a crack open for whenever she's ready or feels like reaching out to me again.

 

I know I shouldn't, but I really just want to ask her point blank. If I move on, I like it to be a clear and clean cut, I don't like pondering the possibility of people suddenly having a change of heart and wanting to start back up. I started talking to someone else, but I don't think dating around is going to keep my mind off her.

 

If she just said "I'm not into you. I'm dating someone new. blah blah etc" then I could be satisfied. I'd know there's nothing I could do and I could mope and complain for awhile and then eventually get over it. Now I just feel like I'm in limbo. and I'm still thinking about this bs bc it's been nearly a month long ordeal.

[Redhead14]

Ugh, I just really hate uncertainty. Like why not just be blunt and say, I do want to talk to you or I don't want to talk to you? I think her text was specifically vague in order to leave the door a crack open for whenever she's ready or feels like reaching out to me again.

 

I know I shouldn't, but I really just want to ask her point blank. If I move on, I like it to be a clear and clean cut, I don't like pondering the possibility of people suddenly having a change of heart and wanting to start back up. I started talking to someone else, but I don't think dating around is going to keep my mind off her.

 

If she just said "I'm not into you. I'm dating someone new. blah blah etc" then I could be satisfied. I'd know there's nothing I could do and I could mope and complain for awhile and then eventually get over it. Now I just feel like I'm in limbo. and I'm still thinking about this bs bc it's been nearly a month long ordeal.

 

You are coming from a place of fear already. Being able to accept that a relationship might not happen if you approach someone, is just part of dating. It's always a risk, but one that needs to be taken. The benefits of taking those risks when you actually find one that's right, are well worth it. Take the leap. You, yourself, may end up not liking her as much as you thought and you might move on. You're already thinking like she's gonna be so great that you'll lose her. You might not want her.

 

And, here's another thing, let's say you didn't know about the "other" girl and you asked her out. She might be thinking about the other one anyway. You just don't know it. It's like that with anyone. You don't know what's in their head.

[jen1447]

Ugh, I just really hate uncertainty. Like why not just be blunt and say, I do want to talk to you or I don't want to talk to you? I think her text was specifically vague in order to leave the door a crack open for whenever she's ready or feels like reaching out to me again.

 

I know I shouldn't, but I really just want to ask her point blank. If I move on, I like it to be a clear and clean cut, I don't like pondering the possibility of people suddenly having a change of heart and wanting to start back up. I started talking to someone else, but I don't think dating around is going to keep my mind off her.

 

If she just said "I'm not into you. I'm dating someone new. blah blah etc" then I could be satisfied. I'd know there's nothing I could do and I could mope and complain for awhile and then eventually get over it. Now I just feel like I'm in limbo. and I'm still thinking about this bs bc it's been nearly a month long ordeal.

 

Is she super awesome amazing and hot? You seem kinda deeply invested already.

[JewelD]

Is she super awesome amazing and hot? You seem kinda deeply invested already.

 

Well, she's very good looking. Very talented. Driven. and she's kinda unpredictable, in a good way. I sort of spazzed on her in the beginning but I never expected her to want to talk to me after that. She may very well be an unattractive jackass in person, but after 3 weeks, I just want us to meet face to face and see if there is any spark.

 

Im overly emotional, so its not a surprise that I was into her so quickly. But I know she doesn't really know me and is probably not overly emotional so she doesn't feel as invested. Which makes sense.

 

I can deal with outright rejection. I've been having hardly any luck on dating websites. I just assume its because its a lot of femme seeking stud, which is what I'm looking for as well. It took me a couple of months to get over my ex of 3 yrs this past summer. I know for sure that I can get over this girl, but there's this nagging feeling in the back of my head that makes me want to be 100% sure there could never be anything between us.

 

I mean, is that how some guys feel? There's always that story about a woman playing hard to get and the man that worked really hard to get her.

[JewelD]

****UPDATE****

 

This should be the last one bc this is taking too much of my energy. I texted her for clarity and asked if she needed space or if shes just not interested. Even with a blunt ass question she was still vague. She said she's not good at telling ppl whether she's interested or not but that she has some things to work out within herself before she gets involved with anyone and that it's nothing personal.

 

Definitely bs. You don't care about my feelings enough to talk to me on a normal basis but you care about them enough to NOT just bluntly say what you want. You've led me on for weeks and now you wanna be a coward.

 

My head has been throbbing for days. I'm just going to be done with people for awhile. This was such a draining experience and a waste of my time. People kill me, they really fcking do.

[Oregon_Dude]

I'm sorry to hear about this, Jewel. However, I think there's plenty you can learn from it. First, your mistake (one that I also made, recently) is talking online for a couple weeks. This allows us to paint "perfect" pictures of ourselves, which she undoubtedly did. You should have gotten her on the phone sooner.

 

Also, you probably want to date locally from now on (after a much-needed self-imposed sabbatical from dating). I would use this time not to beat yourself up, but to reflect on those feelings you had that were telling you something was wrong here; moments when you felt yourself feeling "some kinda way". Point being that our instincts are almost always correct. You will heed these warning signs in the future, and not get so involved with someone who is being so evasive, unclear and generally difficult.

[jen1447]

Yep, just another bump in the road. I admire how you were direct with her, even if she wasn't with you.

[JewelD]

Yeah, she's definitely playing mind games. In a moment of desperation I asked how she felt about being friends. Mostly bc I wanted to meet her and see what she actually looks like since she's being so elusive. She texted back and said "Are you saying you just want to be friends?"

 

Like wtf, u just made it seem like you don't wanna date anybody, what else can we be besides nothing? I think she's a confused woman with too much time on her hands. Or doing a bad job at playing hard to get. Or maybe just obsessed with attention.

[Oregon_Dude]

Or maybe just obsessed with attention.

THIS, all day.

[JewelD]

**Update**

 

Welp, nothing much has happened since. She never gave me a clear answer about whether she wanted to continue talking or not, but she continued going back and forth with me about distance and expectations and blah blah blah bs that is completely irrelevant if you're not interested in someone.

 

I offered to meet her in chicago since she seemed to believe our distance was the only reason we hadn't met (really it was probably just her being lazy. No job, doesn't go to school and only asked me to hang out once in the very beginning). She never responded and I'm pretty sure she won't unless she gets bored or something.

 

I don't get tired easily. Too persistent for my own good at times. But this girl has exhausted me. I gave it my all and I really don't feel the need to continue the cycle half-assed interest any longer.

 

I'm not devastated, but I miss the feeling of talking to someone you're interested in, dating in general. Dating websites aren't working at all for me and I'm tired of looking.

 

I know it's important to be okay with being single and not having a romantic interest, but good god it's boring. I do some retail therapy, cooking, reading, occasional outings with colleagues, but I've come to the conclusion that grad school is not supposed to be fun. This whole ordeal with this girl wasn't exactly an ego-booster, but it was somewhat entertaining. Now I just feel kind of...bleh.