SHOULD I go back-- I'm more tempted now, here's why

[Bufo]

Is mom's estate possibly named the Bates Motel?

[Vercetti]

So you did not date any MEn that did not live with mom. No men that had childish house rules. No men with unemployed roommates. Gee better run back quick to a man's mom's house so can build a life...before 8PM.

 

Really, why doesn't husband want to move in with you? What's so grand about life by comittie. If you pulled the last year off, why hasn't he accomplished something. Lease is up and.bills are lower at mom's...wow that's AMAZING. You hardly have to pay anything outside time and life to regress and help support his mom's jobless boyfriend.

[Vercetti]

I know. I agree. The reason I'm so persuaded to return is because he says it's a temporary situation until one of the other houses becomes available. He's very hesitant to live on his own anywhere else, he's never lived alone, and he's only considered it when he has big fights with his mom. She would then tell him how hard it is out there, etc. SHe would get mad at ME for wanting us to move out, telling me that it's hard, etc. Well, I've proven it's feasible by living on my own. I used to wish he would join me on this adventure, now I'd just be more than happy enough to live alone with him in one of the back houses. I just wish it was available now, because I'm very hesitant to wait in his mother's house, as nice as she is to me right now. He told me a wife should stick to her man through good and bad, so that makes me feel kind of guilty too.

 

 

 

LOL me and mom had a big fight, I'm gonna run away...mom will you pack my running away lunch.

 

Not laughing at you, this man is a bloody child. How is supposed to support and lead if a child. Sure can save money at home, given he has always lived at home....why doesn't he have a stack of cash to buy his wife a house forthright?

 

Saving money he hasn't saved is an excuse for his situation. You moved out and dated, what else on earth could you do to clue a man in?

[Vercetti]

Well, his reasoning is this--- we WILL live alone when one of his mom's houses vacates, which they expect won't be too long because the tenant is very old. The thing is, he wants us to live together while we wait, in his mother's front house, where everyone is crowded and together and where I'd have to follow her rules. Things I do anyway, but with the pressure of micromanagement. The upside? I would only have to pay one bill a month. All that money we could save.

 

Waiting for someone to die. Argh it would be bad enough if waiting for a lease to expire or someone to get kicked out. Just for someone to die. Sorry keep posting, but SEVEN years. I get more amazed more discover. If teens, maybe early twenties could understand. Just crap, thinking what I've done over seven years and by the time was 32. Stop burning your time. You are not alone I know a few women that fell into man boy mom traps...get the he'll away. He will be the same or worse every decade that ticks by.

[lassmary22]

I renewed my lease. I came back to my senses. It was a hard choice because part of me was saying, stick to your husband! Nothing is ever easy. Why run away just because it's hard. HOWEVER, I MADE the choice to LEAVE a year ago, which I had considered for MONTHS, because of how a situation became. He couldn't change and he let me go, saying maybe he's not for me, that he can't provide what I seek. So I left. So if i went through so much to make that choice, things would have to be different for me to justify going back. Because otherwise it just wouldn't connect to myself and it wouldn't feel right.

 

I told him I'm not going back to his mom's, but that in a different situation I would go back with him (living alone). He was upset and said it's over, that maybe he's not the right one for me.

[DKT3]

I renewed my lease. I came back to my senses. It was a hard choice because part of me was saying, stick to your husband! Nothing is ever easy. Why run away just because it's hard. HOWEVER, I MADE the choice to LEAVE a year ago, which I had considered for MONTHS, because of how a situation became. He couldn't change and he let me go, saying maybe he's not for me, that he can't provide what I seek. So I left. So if i went through so much to make that choice, things would have to be different for me to justify going back. Because otherwise it just wouldn't connect to myself and it wouldn't feel right.

 

I told him I'm not going back to his mom's, but that in a different situation I would go back with him (living alone). He was upset and said it's over, that maybe he's not the right one for me.

 

How does dating other men help in any of this?

[lassmary22]

How does dating other men help in any of this?

 

I'm not dating other men right now. I have hung out with people in the past year, but they don't factor at all into this decision. We were SEPARATED, so it's fair game. He was willing to accept that such things happened during separation, as long as I moved back to his mother's house. That's why I was so tempted, he seems to love me so unconditionally. But the minute I say I won't move back is the minute he says it's over

[Bufo]

He does not love you unconditionally. He loves you in his own weird fashion if

, but only if, you sign on to his hyper dependent life style. Doing his mother's bidding.

 

If you had the magic time machine many here have fervently wished for would you marry him again knowing what was coming? Be thankful there are. I kids or mortgage to complicate your marriage.

[ShatteredLady]

Quote. "I renewed my lease. I came back to my senses." I'm so pleased for you! It isn't a big, bad, scary world. Life is what you make it. I'm usually a hapless romantic who believes that love should always find a way but this is just a horrible situation for you. The thought of you constantly being mentally influenced by these people is frightening. You deserve a life, a REAL life. To be honest I hope he comes to his senses & leaves the OW (his mother!) & chooses to grow-up, take a leap, get a real job, experience building a life & proper marriage with you.

You deserve a real husband. A grown man. HE deserves a real life but only he can choose that. Would he consider therapy? I'm confident that a therapist would say exactly what we are. Hearing some home truths from a professional could help. He's been conditioned by his mother. It reminds me of Finding Nemo when the Dad says "I don't want anything to happen to him!". How can he ever have a great life if he never experiences LIFE?

[Bufo]

Correction

 

 

No kids or mortgage.

 

Somehow I couldn't edit the post. M

[DKT3]

I'm not dating other men right now. I have hung out with people in the past year, but they don't factor at all into this decision. We were SEPARATED, so it's fair game. He was willing to accept that such things happened during separation, as long as I moved back to his mother's house. That's why I was so tempted, he seems to love me so unconditionally. But the minute I say I won't move back is the minute he says it's over

 

The point I'm getting at is I don't think your being upfront about YOUR INTENTION. If you were married and planning on being with your husband you wouldn't have been dating. The dating has/had nothing to do with the issues you were having.

 

What I believe happened is you got married for the wrong reasons and then started looking for an out, yet wanting to hang on to your husband.

 

Now you act as if he did something wrong but wanting to end a marriage where his wife is choosing a life without him in it. Did you honestly expect he would be ok with you living a single life?

 

As I said, you are both far too immature to maintain a healthy marriage. Many posters here seem to give you a pass for your behavior. What your doing isn't ok, and your going to have to learn and understand that before you can progress to a happy and healthy relationship.

 

Your husband isn't blameless and he has some issues as well, but without hearing his side of the story (which I'm sure would be very different) we can really only focus on you.

 

Only parents and fools love unconditionally. You guys hardly seem to love one another, let alone unconditionally. It all seems very toxic.

[lassmary22]

The point I'm getting at is I don't think your being upfront about YOUR INTENTION. If you were married and planning on being with your husband you wouldn't have been dating. The dating has/had nothing to do with the issues you were having.

 

What I believe happened is you got married for the wrong reasons and then started looking for an out, yet wanting to hang on to your husband.

 

Now you act as if he did something wrong but wanting to end a marriage where his wife is choosing a life without him in it. Did you honestly expect he would be ok with you living a single life?

 

As I said, you are both far too immature to maintain a healthy marriage. Many posters here seem to give you a pass for your behavior. What your doing isn't ok, and your going to have to learn and understand that before you can progress to a happy and healthy relationship.

 

Your husband isn't blameless and he has some issues as well, but without hearing his side of the story (which I'm sure would be very different) we can really only focus on you.

 

Only parents and fools love unconditionally. You guys hardly seem to love one another, let alone unconditionally. It all seems very toxic.

 

I didn't leave with the intention to go back. I honestly thought it was over and I moved on. I didn't want to stay home or retire to become a nun. It was my first time ever living alone. I don't like playing those games where you leave to teach someone a lesson and wait for them to call you back. However, sometimes people who break up genuinely do get back together in the future, and it can't reasonably be expected the they didn't date other people during the break up. We were considering getting back together, this is what I wrote about here. In the end, I decided not to because as I said, nothing has changed. I did put up with a lot in that marriage, many problems that were caused by us living in his mom's house. In our second year of marriage his mom had a recovering alcoholic brother move in, but he was very chaotic and ended up getting kicked out 9 months later because of physical abuse. I put up with it. We went through a few years of bliss when his mom found a new boyfriend because she was hardly ever home, she would alwys stay at his place. But then he lost his job and she had him move in. He's unemployed to this day. I just couldn't take that anymore, the lack of control over who gets to stay,who gets to leave, etc.

[Vercetti]

When a husband will not leave mom's house for a real life with wife, yeah ok gets a pass. Not even a year of being seperate could motivate him. Maybe I'm wrong, but my ex's parents tried to micro manage my life from another state. My ex could never tell them to f off. They tried to control and guilt much as possiable, they couldn't let go. Own house car savings investments a child...and still they tried cradle to grave parenting. Ops life at mom's house could have only been a nightmare. Think would have married my ex if knew a decade later her parents would send her twenty page letters of everything she needed to do a day broken into five minute intervals, if knew they would send endless text sun up to down, ect. No HELL NO. Lol they have her living back home in renvated basement...helping her .

[TaraMaiden2]

He was upset and said it's over, that maybe he's not the right one for me.

 

I think that's probably the most sensible, true, honest and forthright thing that has ever passed his lips. Shame it took him so long to admit to it.

[DKT3]

I didn't leave with the intention to go back. I honestly thought it was over and I moved on. I didn't want to stay home or retire to become a nun. It was my first time ever living alone. I don't like playing those games where you leave to teach someone a lesson and wait for them to call you back. However, sometimes people who break up genuinely do get back together in the future, and it can't reasonably be expected the they didn't date other people during the break up. We were considering getting back together, this is what I wrote about here. In the end, I decided not to because as I said, nothing has changed. I did put up with a lot in that marriage, many problems that were caused by us living in his mom's house. In our second year of marriage his mom had a recovering alcoholic brother move in, but he was very chaotic and ended up getting kicked out 9 months later because of physical abuse. I put up with it. We went through a few years of bliss when his mom found a new boyfriend because she was hardly ever home, she would alwys stay at his place. But then he lost his job and she had him move in. He's unemployed to this day. I just couldn't take that anymore, the lack of control over who gets to stay,who gets to leave, etc.

 

You have only a few posts and they are full of contradiction. But one message has been clear is you didn't leave with the intent of it being over. You have said many times the plan was for either him to move with you or move into one of his moms homes. To that what purpose does dating others serve? Or is it that part about meeting new people and having exciting adventures without him the REAL reason you left. See by saying you expect him to do something you know he isn't going to do makes him the "bad guy".

 

I'm not saying you need to go back, I am saying you need to own your role and get honest with yourself about your intentions. Here is the thing, even after signing yet another years lease you expected your husband to be ok with it, giving you another year to search out advantures and date other leaving you the open door to return. No you never intended to leave and stay gone. So why date?

[MJJean]

You know he's not going to grow up and become marriage material.

 

You've dated during separation because you left with the intention of ending the marriage.

 

You have been separated for a year.

 

So, why haven't you filed for divorce? You're married in name only. Why not have the paperwork reflect reality?

[lassmary22]

You have only a few posts and they are full of contradiction. But one message has been clear is you didn't leave with the intent of it being over. You have said many times the plan was for either him to move with you or move into one of his moms homes. To that what purpose does dating others serve? Or is it that part about meeting new people and having exciting adventures without him the REAL reason you left. See by saying you expect him to do something you know he isn't going to do makes him the "bad guy".

 

I'm not saying you need to go back, I am saying you need to own your role and get honest with yourself about your intentions. Here is the thing, even after signing yet another years lease you expected your husband to be ok with it, giving you another year to search out advantures and date other leaving you the open door to return. No you never intended to leave and stay gone. So why date?

 

In an effort to compress a long and complex story into a readable post, I may not have explained it well. Here's what happened-- toward the end of our marriage, when the problems with his mom and mom's bf started, I told him that instead of always fighting with them, we should move out. His stance was that we should simply tolerate and ignore them. My plan was to save so that we can move out-- he never planned for it and did not want to. It got to a point where I had to leave-- he and I had a fight about something, the parents got involved, he started crying and I felt outnumbered. I couldn't tolerate it, I packed my bags and left. Every time I'd talk about what we should do, he'd get defensive, say, "Then maybe I'm not the man for you" or "WHY are you with me?" Good question. The plan at that point was to divorce. He said his mother would pay for the divorce, but they never filed. Almost a year later we started talking about going back together. That was not the plan initially. By then I had already dated, and I'm sure he had to, but I don't care to ask. The fact is that we are single NOW that we were talking about returning.

[lassmary22]

I think that's probably the most sensible, true, honest and forthright thing that has ever passed his lips. Shame it took him so long to admit to it.

 

He has always told me that. Even during marriage, every time I'd address those issues, he'd say, "Then maybe I'm not for you" or "Why are you with me?" But after the fight we'd kiss and make up and he'd ask me not to leave. It's been quite a rollercoaster.

[TaraMaiden2]

He has always told me that. Even during marriage, every time I'd address those issues, he'd say, "Then maybe I'm not for you" or "Why are you with me?" But after the fight we'd kiss and make up and he'd ask me not to leave. It's been quite a rollercoaster.

 

Well, you've been paying for all the rides.

If you'll excuse me saying so, you've been the "mug" who's always relented and fed his ego, by staying with him.

He throws you that line to reel you back in, and you - you've always taken it, even KNOWING as you do that actually, he's absolutely right.

 

Because he is not your husband.

He and his mother, and his entire family - are your husband.

That's what you've been up against.

A multi-person marriage.

And honestly, it's time you stopped kow-towing to him, his petulant whims and his manipulative, controlling mother.

 

We still don't know what happened to her first husband, do we?

 

Is he buried in the back yard, with a headstone that reads :

"Here lies poor sap,

who wouldn't do as he was told.

Reader, beware, lest you try to be bold

- And fall into the same trap!"

 

If he has fed you that line, time and time again, maybe it's high time you called his bluff, and told him in no uncertain terms:

 

"You know what? I think you're right. You aren't.

Just as I am not the material you and your mother are looking for.

Good luck finding a simpering wimp, but that's not me!"

 

And file!!!

[Vercetti]

Cries to get mommy to team up against wife. I'm getting ptsd with each drop of information. I can feel the stupidity of the dynamic. The only thi.g you did wrong was putting up with it for so long. Pathetic guess not guy for you pity card. Think only thing future holds is being shocked how much they twisted your mind and how bad you are not.