Friends?

[autumnnight]

The difference between a run of the mill opposite sex friend and an affair partner is that one has an illicit sexual romantic relationship with an affair partner through which they are betraying their spouse. One would need to be intentionally obtuse not to see the very easy to distinguish difference.

 

There is no way a Betrayed Spouse is going to feel safe or be okay with a WS maintaining a friendship with the AP. So IF there is a friendship, then that means there are still secrets and lying, which most people would find problematic.

 

So no, I do not think a person can honorably be friends with their ex AP.

[Lady2163]

The difference between a run of the mill opposite sex friend and an affair partner is that one has an illicit sexual romantic relationship with an affair partner through which they are betraying their spouse. One would need to be intentionally obtuse not to see the very easy to distinguish difference.

 

There is no way a Betrayed Spouse is going to feel safe or be okay with a WS maintaining a friendship with the AP. So IF there is a friendship, then that means there are still secrets and lying, which most people would find problematic.

 

So no, I do not think a person can honorably be friends with their ex AP.

 

Well, at this time I, as courteously as possible, do not agree with you.

[bathtub-row]

The difference between a run of the mill opposite sex friend and an affair partner is that one has an illicit sexual romantic relationship with an affair partner through which they are betraying their spouse. One would need to be intentionally obtuse not to see the very easy to distinguish difference.

 

There is no way a Betrayed Spouse is going to feel safe or be okay with a WS maintaining a friendship with the AP. So IF there is a friendship, then that means there are still secrets and lying, which most people would find problematic.

 

So no, I do not think a person can honorably be friends with their ex AP.

 

In a lot of cases, the MM and OW are likely to rationalize that if the wife didn't know about the affair, what the heck difference does it make if there's no affair, but still a friendship?

 

Still, just from experience, I'd say that it's better to be distant friends. I tried to stay close to xMM but we just ended up starting up the affair months down the road. Look, your xMM has made his choice and your best and smartest move is to distance yourself. If the roles were reversed, I can guarantee you that he'd move on without thinking twice about it.

[Grapesofwrath]

In a lot of cases, the MM and OW are likely to rationalize that if the wife didn't know about the affair, what the heck difference does it make if there's no affair, but still a friendship?

 

I think this is the question of a "lie of omission" vs. a "lie of commission." Either way, it's still a lie. But some people are moral relativists and they believe that not telling someone something that would hurt them is not actually a lie.

[bathtub-row]

I think this is the question of a "lie of omission" vs. a "lie of commission." Either way, it's still a lie. But some people are moral relativists and they believe that not telling someone something that would hurt them is not actually a lie.

 

Sometimes they don't concern themselves with the lie or with the right or wrong of a thing. And, usually, not wanting to get found out has more to do with not hurting another person. Some people feel that it's their body and their life. It's an easy rationalization.

[anika99]

We never had a DDAY.

 

And the friend of 31 years I mentioned is female.

 

I don't know that my platonic male friends tell their spouses whenever we talk. I don't think they are lying intentionally, I'm just not sure it is something men do. I know when I was married, I didn't tell my husband everyone I talked to in day.

 

This seems to be a fall back position. By your reasoning, the only way we could be "friends" and be considered successful friends is if she knew about his affair and every time we talked and everything we talked about.

 

And upon review, our gifts to each other are often kind of lame. Don't get me wrong, they are things we want and often need and are happy to get. But, it isn't like I'm framing a poster size picture of a beautiful sunset we watched together for him to display in his office. These are more exciting things like second phone chargers or books on favorite topics. Oftentimes it is gift cards.

 

My belief is that it is a successful friendship if we talk to each other, share life events, joys and sorrows without NEEDING to share them. I have called hi, for advice, but it was business advice, not emotional crisis advice. The presents are more money than I spend on gifts for my platonic male friends, but not enough to financially make me budget them officially.

 

I have military buddies I will probably never see again in my life and I haven't seen them in almost 30 years. Does that mean they aren't my friends?

 

As you said, it depends on your definition of friendship. I could not agree to be anyone's secret friend. I do not need anyone to be available to me 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I would not call friends a 2AM or bother them while they are working, because I am respectful and courteous, however if there were limitations put on my friendship regarding secrecy and deceit, if I couldn't talk to them when they were with their spouse or extended family, if my gifts had to be secret, if I couldn't call any evenings or weekends because that would arouse suspicion regarding our secret "friendship" then I really couldn't consider that person a friend or our relationship a healthy friendship.