He says he has changed but.....

[turnera]

Abusers always are. Of course, the white is always themselves, and the black is always everyone else.

[Chloecat]

All quiet on the Western Front.

 

 

 

 

H away.

 

 

I texted Son yesterday, asked how he was. "Fine" Asked how Dad was "Controlling";/

 

 

 

 

Asked how he was being controlling......Making him watch sport on TV that he didn't particularly want to watch. "don't watch it then" I said. "No choice :/" he texted back.

 

 

"No shouting though?" I asked.

 

 

No reply. Just asked how we were. Said everything was good.

 

 

Controlling. Is that a bit bossy controlling? Son is 6 foot 3 and strong. He is only 18 and wants to keep the peace though. He will probably whack his Dad if he plays up.

 

 

Daughter is happy, doing really well.

[turnera]

For today.

 

Of course, your kids will end up in therapy throughout their adult lives because one parent abused and the other allowed it, and that is what they 'learned,' even if they subconsciously didn't want to become either ONE of those two types. But that is what happens - we become a version of one of our parents.

 

You could become the parent who ENDS the drama and thus teaches them you don't have to accept crap. Like watching tv you don't want to, just because your dad says you have to.

[Chloecat]

Mmmmmmmmmmmm

 

 

 

 

Well, H is back. For 6 days. He and D currently chatting and laughing downstairs together.

 

 

Thanks Tumera, I stayed when the kids were little because I didn't want him having them half the time and getting up to God knows what.

 

 

I did leave and H did change. And yes, he is trying.

 

 

Controlling with the TV....with Son.....? Well, Son is 6ft 3 and 18 years old. He will probably thump his dad if he pushes him too far. Yes D has depression and anxiety. She is having counselling.

 

 

I was between the devil and the deep blue sea.

 

 

That's why I tell Mermaid girl to GO....GO NOW......she has no children. Just go. Once you have children it gets more difficult. My H is the man who didn't give my Son a bottle when he was meant to....when I was out and son was just an infant....and I started to work nights so that I could be there....just didn't want my H having the kids half the time and so I put up with H so I could have Kids with me all the time.

 

 

I could never go back to how thing were. Never. H seems to have genuinely changed.....maybe late in the day...but I couldn't go back to the OLD LIFE....because for one thing...my health wouldn't take it.

 

 

Still aiming to have my own home anyway.....once this house is sold.

 

 

You young girls or guys....who are hooked up with abusive partners....get out now....before you have children and mortgages......Just go. I can tell you with certainty that its a hard, hard road.

[bathtub-row]

You're absolutely correct about having kids with these men, Chloecat. This is why women should be very selective about who they choose for a spouse. When I figured out what my H was like, I knew right then that I wouldn't have kids with him. I thank my lucky stars every day of my life for that decision. I knew a child would tie me to him in a ton of ways and I wanted no part of that. Nowdays, I can spot the psycho boys a mile away. I wouldn't get involved with a guy like that under any circumstances. They will do nothing but rip you up in every way.

[turnera]

What I'm trying to get at is that if your kids SEE you leaving him - even if your kids are in their 20s - they will learn not to accept abuse. They will KNOW that their mom finally valued herself.

 

When I grew up, I always thought my dad just thought my mom wasn't a good enough mom/wife, and so he left. So I grew up thinking women had to bust their butt to please the man - or else he'd leave. So that's who I became - I lived 30 years in a horrible marriage, busting my butt to do everything, giving myself 0 time to value myself; I ALWAYS came last. And thus I got the level of respect I thought I deserved - none. When I was about 50, I learned that not only did my dad cheat, but that my mom kicked him out! And on top of that, he came crawling back asking to come back home, and because SHE had been kissing HIS ass for so many years, she told him to pound sand, she didn't want him back!

 

Can you imagine what I could have done with my life if I'd simply had that information? Mom thought she was protecting me by not telling me what an ass my dad was and showing me how strong SHE was.

 

But I had a major shift in my life after learning that. It was only then, watching HER (in retrospect), that I felt it was ok for me to stand up for myself. And I've been steadily fixing things in my life ever since then, since I got the 'ok' from her, even if she didn't know it. THAT is what I'm asking you to give your kids.

 

And you keep peppering your posts with 'oh, D is laughing with her dad' and 'oh, S is big, he won't take crap.' Well, yes, abused kids DO laugh with their abusive parent. What choice do they have but to live with him and try to make everything as sweet, unthreatening, and least likely to get him upset, when their own mom won't rescue them from him? And your son may be physically big, but I will bet you $50 that within the next 10 years, your son's inner psychological turmoil will either have him seeing a therapist or in deep depression. Size doesn't mean he's ok.

 

I know you say you're leaving. Well, I said I was leaving for the last 20 years. And I never did. And as a reminder, abusers ALWAYS make things 'nice' when they realize the wife is getting 'uppity' and might leave. It's part of the cycle of abuse. Then he just swings right back into the abuse cycle and ramps back up to the abuse again. But you know that.

[Chloecat]

You're absolutely correct about having kids with these men, Chloecat. This is why women should be very selective about who they choose for a spouse. When I figured out what my H was like, I knew right then that I wouldn't have kids with him. I thank my lucky stars every day of my life for that decision. I knew a child would tie me to him in a ton of ways and I wanted no part of that. Nowdays, I can spot the psycho boys a mile away. I wouldn't get involved with a guy like that under any circumstances. They will do nothing but rip you up in every way.

 

Yes, I can spot the psychos too......bit late....but I did warn one girl and she got rid of a nutter. She thanked me later. You were wise not to have the children with such a man. Although I am so grateful for my precious D and S it has been a tough, tough road to walk.

 

 

Between the Devil and the deep blue sea.

[Chloecat]

What I'm trying to get at is that if your kids SEE you leaving him - even if your kids are in their 20s - they will learn not to accept abuse. They will KNOW that their mom finally valued herself.

 

When I grew up, I always thought my dad just thought my mom wasn't a good enough mom/wife, and so he left. So I grew up thinking women had to bust their butt to please the man - or else he'd leave. So that's who I became - I lived 30 years in a horrible marriage, busting my butt to do everything, giving myself 0 time to value myself; I ALWAYS came last. And thus I got the level of respect I thought I deserved - none. When I was about 50, I learned that not only did my dad cheat, but that my mom kicked him out! And on top of that, he came crawling back asking to come back home, and because SHE had been kissing HIS ass for so many years, she told him to pound sand, she didn't want him back!

 

Can you imagine what I could have done with my life if I'd simply had that information? Mom thought she was protecting me by not telling me what an ass my dad was and showing me how strong SHE was.

 

But I had a major shift in my life after learning that. It was only then, watching HER (in retrospect), that I felt it was ok for me to stand up for myself. And I've been steadily fixing things in my life ever since then, since I got the 'ok' from her, even if she didn't know it. THAT is what I'm asking you to give your kids.

 

And you keep peppering your posts with 'oh, D is laughing with her dad' and 'oh, S is big, he won't take crap.' Well, yes, abused kids DO laugh with their abusive parent. What choice do they have but to live with him and try to make everything as sweet, unthreatening, and least likely to get him upset, when their own mom won't rescue them from him? And your son may be physically big, but I will bet you $50 that within the next 10 years, your son's inner psychological turmoil will either have him seeing a therapist or in deep depression. Size doesn't mean he's ok.

 

I know you say you're leaving. Well, I said I was leaving for the last 20 years. And I never did. And as a reminder, abusers ALWAYS make things 'nice' when they realize the wife is getting 'uppity' and might leave. It's part of the cycle of abuse. Then he just swings right back into the abuse cycle and ramps back up to the abuse again. But you know that.

 

 

 

30 years. Long time. You have been through some very difficult days. And your mum too. I am sorry. Hope things are all ok for you now. How did you get out?

 

 

Yes D does laugh with her dad...she also told him yesterday "Good to have you back dad".

 

 

Today, he apologised to me in the kitchen...said "You know I am so, so sorry for the idiotic way I behaved in the past" I said "yes, you were quite a bastard".

 

 

D has been affected - true. Son may be affected, though he is a totally different personality....sociable. Good with people. But, my children have grown up in a home where there was emotional abuse and verbal abuse and sometimes physical. I look back and wonder why on earth I put up with it? I honestly do! I know I wouldn't put up with the c...p now. No way. My health, my D health......no, its the end of the road for that bull.....t H knows that....H has changed...well he aint got much choice really! I suspect hes burnt out himself. Hasn't got the energy to rant and rave. I WOULD NOT tolerate that life ever again. It would seriously, KILL ME. And you people out there.....just starting out with someone who professes to love you.....if their words and actions don't gel....just go. Don't wait years and years.....like I did....and in the end became ill. Go now. Hope and pray the ba...stard....finds someone else to soak up the nonsense. Because believe you me...soon as you walk out that door....sure, he will be crying and begging....but after a few weeks - or when he actually believes you are not going back....he will be out looking for the next victim. And he will be telling her the same bul....t he told you. "I love you, you make me complete, I cannot live with you...what would I do without you? You make me so happy, I love you.....love you...." LIES LIES LIES.

 

 

GO. xx