"knowing where she is" vs "control"

[GemmaUK]

I'm sorry that happened to you, that has no longer anything to do with control, but with serious issues.

 

I appreciate your input though.

 

It was everything to do with control actually.

 

Control leads to much bigger issues in most cases.

I have only found this out reading up and finding my own personal story time and time again in various psychology studies written by professionals in the sector.

[Stilnaught]

The problem you have is that you cannot control women to behave the way you want them to.

If she wants to see her ex, she will see her ex, your rules will not stop her.

What will stop her is, if she has enough personal integrity to realise contacting her ex will hurt you and so she should not do it. Choose your women more carefully and stop trying to control people.

 

Jealous, controlling people are not attractive, you may be able to force some women to bow down to you and accept your rules for a while, but long term they will all run and hate you for it, as your history confirms.

 

She missed her ex, that should have told you "Walk away".

Trying to have relationships with people who are still invested in others is a total waste of your time.

 

This makes me feel a little pre-typecasted into this controlling role, because i came here to discuss my terms, and now the fact that i have 2 similar situations is being used to prove the very point that brought me here, without much further arguments.

 

All you say about integrity is true though, there lies the obvious problem.

The furthest is ever went with "imposing these rules" is by making a statement; either she talks to me about her issues with this, and any other issues, in a civilized way, or our relationship has no future.

She choose to keep insulting me, so i went after leaving a last "you know where to find me if you're ever prepared to talk" message.

 

At that point she was making statements like "i hated every single day with you" and "my love for you is peanuts compared with my love for my first boyfriend". Not a hard decision to make.

[central]

No boyfriend tells me what I can and cannot do. I know how to conduct myself when I am in a relationship so I don't need 'his rules'.

 

I also have male friends that have been in my life for YEARS and as per you I should change my relationship with them because of a new boyfriend? I don't think so!

 

I agree. Of course, most women would take exception if their boyfriend met a female friend for a drink without at least informing them. Accusations of inappropriate behavior and cheating would be flying all over the place.

 

So, men, don't tell your gf when you meet another woman for a drink, if that's all it is. They have NO need to know about it, and if they disagree, they're controlling and untrusting.

[katiegrl]

No boyfriend tells me what I can and cannot do. I know how to conduct myself when I am in a relationship so I don't need 'his rules'.

 

I also have male friends that have been in my life for YEARS and as per you I should change my relationship with them because of a new boyfriend? I don't think so!

 

Fair enough, however would it not make sense that you would want to introduce your good long term friend to your boyfriend?

 

Perhaps introduce them? Include him in some activities ....same as you would do with a female friend?

 

I think this is all the OP was asking. That he at least have a clue as to who this friend is ...whether male or female.. I think that's fair.

 

I also suspect when he said the word "allow" what he meant was "I have no problem with."

 

That is how I interpreted it anyway.

 

As far as informing him ahead of time ....I dunno OP, I often get together with my friends spontaneously ...so there is no informing "ahead of time.". So that may be asking too much IMO.

 

That said, as my bf and I live together, I usually let him know where I am ....and how late I will be so he knows and does not worry that something happened to me.

 

It's called being accountable, which is what you do when in a committed relationship.... IMO.

 

All in all, without more info I would hesitate calling him controlling.

 

Establishing healthy boundaries makes more sense to me ....in this instance anyway.

[katiegrl]

I agree. Of course, most women would take exception if their boyfriend met a female friend for a drink without at least informing them.

 

 

***Accusations of inappropriate behavior and cheating would be flying all over the place.***

 

 

 

So, men, don't tell your gf when you meet another woman for a drink, if that's all it is. They have NO need to know about it, and if they disagree, they're controlling and untrusting.

 

Quite in asterisk ....I am a woman, but I tend to agree. Especially if they had that drink at his place or hers.

 

Unless of course, this female friend of her boyfriend's was someone she knew, someone her boyfriend had introduced her to, and with whom she was friendly and familiar with also. And, as such, felt safe and comfortable knowing nothing would happen

[Gaeta]

If you are in a relationship with someone genuine there won't be any need for rules. I don't believe in a boyfriend telling me who I can and cannot spend time with BUT I am a mature woman and I know it would be improper to grab a drink, at night, alone with a male acquaintance therefore I am NOT gonna do it by respect for my boyfriend.

 

In a healthy and respectful relationships there should not even be a need for such rules. If you have to come up with them it's because A) you are dating someone immature B) You are incompatible in your moral values.

[Rejected Rosebud]

You are nitpicking his poor choice of words when he said "I allow", instead of discussing it in terms of mutual relationship boundaries in an exclusive relationship.

But if his 2 ex girlfriends think he is controlling, doesn't that pretty much tell us that there is an issue BESIDES his poor choice of words? The whole setup sounds controlling. OP if you think it's fine for your gf to go out one on one with a guy then I think you need to leave it to her, your strict parameters seem weird. It probably is NOT really okay with you. Why don't you tell her you don't feel comfortable with it ? There is nothing wrong with that, lots of people have a boundary in their relationship against going out with an opposite sex friend. If you and the girl don't agree on what is appropriate for BOTH of you then maybe you're not a good fit. Personally my bf or I don't go out for drinks with opposite sex people one on one except for in a couple of cases where that person is a good friend of both of us.

[katiegrl]

If you are in a relationship with someone genuine there won't be any need for rules. I don't believe in a boyfriend telling me who I can and cannot spend time with BUT I am a mature woman and I know it would be improper to grab a drink, at night, alone with a male acquaintance therefore I am NOT gonna do it by respect for my boyfriend.

 

In a healthy and respectful relationships there should not even be a need for such rules. If you have to come up with them it's because A) you are dating someone immature B) You are incompatible in your moral values.

 

I wouldn't either.

 

However in the OP's defense, I did not read where he told her he did not want her spending time with him.

 

To the contrary, he said he would *allow* it ...which was a bad choice of words. As I said I interpreted him to mean, *he would have no problem with* her spending time with said male friend.

 

He simply wants to know who this friend is. Which I think is reasonable.

 

His other *rules* could be interpreted as healthy boundaries too, depending on how he presented them to her.

 

If he made them sound like demands, like you do it MY way or it's over! THAT would be controlling.

 

In any event, OP this girl values her freedom too much, and it does not appear she is either ready for or wants a committed relationship at this time. At least not with you.

 

Otherwise, as Gaeta said, there would be no need for these *rules* in the first place.

[Stilnaught]

I think i'm going to ponder about the "how did i bring those rules to her" question tonight. The way i remember it, it was "cleanly" in a talk about betrayal (a mutual friend had cheated on his girlfriend, which made my girlfriend sad since she was cheated upon before as well), where i stated that i'd trust my girl, as long as she'd be communicating and didn't suddenly talk to exes or do private 1on1's.

 

But she was the one who kept bringing it up later, not me, which makes me wonder about a lot of things ...

 

At a certain point we were also discussing double dates, to which i replied that it might be a splendid way to meet her friends. Later on that got turned into "you won't let me see my friends alone" and "it would be awkward".

[SawtoothMars]

I think i'm going to ponder about the "how did i bring those rules to her" question tonight. The way i remember it, it was "cleanly" in a talk about betrayal (a mutual friend had cheated on his girlfriend, which made my girlfriend sad since she was cheated upon before as well), where i stated that i'd trust my girl, as long as she'd be communicating and didn't suddenly talk to exes or do private 1on1's.

But she was the one who kept bringing it up later, not me, which makes me wonder about a lot of things ...

At a certain point we were also discussing double dates, to which i replied that it might be a splendid way to meet her friends. Later on that got turned into "you won't let me see my friends alone" and "it would be awkward".

 

Controlling is only a negative trait when carried to extremes. You actually WANT to be a bit controlling especially in a protective way.

 

My experience is that women use the word "controlling" on you when they are doing something shady. It's a reversal tactic. Call it out when you see it and don't take crap from them.

 

Also, don't take the bitter old maids on this site to heart. They really don't understand women or relationships at all. Instead they just give you some kind of fairy land response based them assuming the role of whatever female your talking about.

Edited August 24, 2015 by SawtoothMars

[Gaeta]

Change your list to...

 

1) After I break things off with her.

 

Almost every woman on this site will call you controlling. Ignore it. If you don't want your girl going out drinking with other guys, don't put up with it. I know I wouldn't. My GF wouldn't even consider trying some crap like that with me, because she knows that would be the end of things.

 

The answer is not to set up rules. The answer is in dating someone that has the same moral values as you do. You cannot force someone or give someone guidelines on the value they should have. They have those values or they don't.

[katiegrl]

Controlling is only a negative trait when carried to extremes. You actually WANT to be a bit controlling especially in a protective way.

 

My experience is that women use the word "controlling" on you when they are doing something shady. It's a reversal tactic. Call it out when you see it and don't take crap from them.

 

Also, don't take the bitter old maids on this site to heart. They really don't understand women or relationships at all. Instead they just give you some kind of fairy land response based them assuming the role of whatever female your talking about.

 

I invite you to read my posts dude, before you starting lumping all women in the same category....

[katiegrl]

Unfortunately, it isn't always that simple. Many people will push your boundaries if you let them. I have dated women before where I had to let them know I don't date women who hang out with guys, then they agreed they wouldn't do it. People will treat you how you let them.

 

Some (not all) men do the same .....women do not have the market cornered on that one.