been sad

[Cloudcuckoo]

I dont understand how you feel you know the heart and soul of a wife to know how I feel about my H or how committed I am to my M nor how my origional post relates to the subject.

I was well moved on, he contacted me while I was healing and moving on because he had a dday.

My sentiments were that I missed the friendship, not that I was in love, any of the things u state.

Furthermore, in my book...our marriage works, I come home every night, to him gladly.

I show him all my love and attention and we both talk of our feelings, share intimacy and date.

If he isnt number one and my marriage is ruined because I had an attachment to a friend at one time, so be it, but when I stood at the alter, I was in love, I said I do and meant it, I still mean it and put my all in it

(still defending myself as if thats ANY of your business but feel the need to)

I feel okay about my friendship and love to another, and my husband and I once spoke that he will always love his ex.

I believe many (if u look at ashley madison) go out seeking sex, meet in cars and hotel rooms.

As for me, we were friends with no sex, we got in deeper than we knew. We ended it. I dont regret it.

 

If u think beating people over the head with "affairs are wrong, set your spouse free, your a monster" is gonna help, or someone needs reminded to feel guilty or know they crossed a horrible line...have at it...your gonna get carpal tunnel with your constant moral high road posts.

I get it, but u dont know me.

Im a great spouse period.

Marriage and love is not black and white

Mine is as perfect as it can be regardless of my past.

I was looking for feedback from folks who may have been in my shoes, not a pat on the back..thoughts...a bond with folks who have been there.

Who know the pain from the xeap side.

Like Rainbow.

 

Oh come on, I'm sorry, and this isn't meant to be harsh, but the fact is you can't possibly be putting 'your all' into your marriage while you have feelings for someone else,that's just ridiculous!

 

I don't post often, and am very careful with people's situations as we none of us know each other as you rightly say, but that statement right there? Contradictory nonsense.

 

I sincerely hope you find some peace in your struggles eventually.

Edited August 23, 2015 by Cloudcuckoo

[privategal]

Oh come on, I'm sorry, and this isn't meant to be harsh, but the fact is you can't possibly be putting 'your all' into your marriage while you have feelings for someone else,that's just ridiculous!

 

I don't post often, and am very careful with people's situations as we none of us know each other as you rightly say, but that statement right there? Contradictory nonsense.

 

I sincerely hope you find some peace in your struggles eventually.

 

Thank you for your special rare post. Eye roll.

I'll say it again...I love my husband. My life and standards and my marriage are my own and its my life and mistakes to make and Ive been on both sides and never left because I know I am strongly loved and am not going anywhere.

The heart and mind are vast oceans that can maybe love 20 people at a time, IDK but I loved a friend who was a lifelong friend and Im ok with it. I didn't choose it, didn't want to do it, its been over and was a life altering experience.

[purplesorrow]

Thank you for your special rare post. Eye roll.

I'll say it again...I love my husband. My life and standards and my marriage are my own and its my life and mistakes to make and Ive been on both sides and never left because I know I am strongly loved and am not going anywhere.

The heart and mind are vast oceans that can maybe love 20 people at a time, IDK but I loved a friend who was a lifelong friend and Im ok with it. I didn't choose it, didn't want to do it, its been over and was a life altering experience.

 

Are you saying you had no choice but to cheat? Or that you just couldn't control your emotions? Thanks.

[privategal]

Are you saying you had no choice but to cheat? Or that you just couldn't control your emotions? Thanks.

 

I just couldn't control my emotions

[purplesorrow]

Thanks for responding. I hope you find your peace.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Thank you for your special rare post. Eye roll.

I'll say it again...I love my husband. My life and standards and my marriage are my own and its my life and mistakes to make and Ive been on both sides and never left because I know I am strongly loved and am not going anywhere.

The heart and mind are vast oceans that can maybe love 20 people at a time, IDK but I loved a friend who was a lifelong friend and Im ok with it. I didn't choose it, didn't want to do it, its been over and was a life altering experience.

 

 

Just something to think about.......

 

If we expect others to control and take ownership of their choice to express emotions such as anger, how do we then make exceptions for the emotion of love?

 

Are not most of the life lessons that we teach children ....just that....control and ownership?

 

If you are okay with how it all played out....something you state you didn't choose, didn't want to do and was life altering....what does that say about future similar circumstances?

[privategal]

Just something to think about.......

 

If we expect others to control and take ownership of their choice to express emotions such as anger, how do we then make exceptions for the emotion of love?

 

Are not most of the life lessons that we teach children ....just that....control and ownership?

 

If you are okay with how it all played out....something you state you didn't choose, didn't want to do and was life altering....what does that say about future similar circumstances?

I was in deep before I recognized how deep as it was justified as friendship and nothing wrong. Strong bond was formed and I found it difficult to find my way out so I just resolved love can never be wrong. And I do my best to live my life authentically and Inperfectly.

[ladydesigner]

I was in deep before I recognized how deep as it was justified as friendship and nothing wrong. Strong bond was formed and I found it difficult to find my way out so I just resolved love can never be wrong. And I do my best to live my life authentically and Inperfectly.

 

I understand how you feel, but at some point I hope you will be able to focus on more of an emotional connection in your M so that you do not find yourself in this position again.

 

Love may never be wrong, but it does hurt when we love more than one person. It hurts the WS having the A, proven by the fact that you are bothered by the hysterical bonding. It hurts the BS because you are not giving your all to the M and when they do discover the A that is a whole other level of hurt. It also hurts the AP because you are splitting your time with them and your spouse never giving a relationship the time and dedication that it deserves. This is triangulated love.

[RightThere]

What about him?

Im in withdrawal.

When people are in A they dont think "what about my husband/wife"

We think of OUR needs, we justify, we are in fantasy selfish mode.

 

I'm a BS, but I totally believe the withdrawal is real. It's like kicking a terrible addiction.

 

I don't know if you can truly heal and be done with it if you aren't going to come clean with your husband. I'm sure you want to and don't want to cause your husband hurt or pain, but I think it will just be too heavy a burden for you to carry inside indefinitely.

 

You miss your friend, and I get that. But if you're committed to your husband, he needs to be your friend and you need to be honest with your friend.

[Marc878]

An EA steals time/energy from a marriage. And it can never be the same even if your husband doesn't know. Your marriage to some extent is what you made it. But don't kid yourself it has never been 100%.

[privategal]

By whose standard was it not 100% though?

Cause men golf, go poker nights, surf porn sights for hours, meet their mistress in hotel rooms and back seats of cars or in Ashley Madison or their office (only speaking of men not intentionally leaving out women but to make a point)...was that with their spouse?

I on the other hand exchanged emails or calls with a friend whom I fell in love with on my OWN time. It got too deep, I was in the WRONG however I never had sex nor snuck away for time...I was working, my spouse was working.

I stole if anything mental time but he did too with porn, video games or fantasy football drafts or sporting events...he is his own person, I am mine.

Maybe Im still justifying but I still gave my all sexually, kept up my looks, listened to and supported joint and individual fdreams, still showed love, cooked, planned dates, kept up my looks and figure and so HOW did an EA hurt him?

It only made me a better spouse (dialing up the firing squad as we speak) I am not defining my marriage by LS or society standards. I didnt sign up for his own infidelity either but he loved me, cared for me, was a great worker and partner and I forgave.

Im not here to ask moral approval but as a human in pain to vent. If you dont agree I get it, its not typical, ideal or respectable socially, but it was my life, where I found myself and I found redemption and lessons and the good and bad of it. Im sorry.

[qubist]

By whose standard was it not 100% though?

Cause men golf, go poker nights, surf porn sights for hours, meet their mistress in hotel rooms and back seats of cars or in Ashley Madison or their office (only speaking of men not intentionally leaving out women but to make a point)...was that with their spouse?

I on the other hand exchanged emails or calls with a friend whom I fell in love with on my OWN time. It got too deep, I was in the WRONG however I never had sex nor snuck away for time...I was working, my spouse was working.

I stole if anything mental time but he did too with porn, video games or fantasy football drafts or sporting events...he is his own person, I am mine.

Maybe Im still justifying but I still gave my all sexually, kept up my looks, listened to and supported joint and individual fdreams, still showed love, cooked, planned dates, kept up my looks and figure and so HOW did an EA hurt him?

It only made me a better spouse (dialing up the firing squad as we speak) I am not defining my marriage by LS or society standards. I didnt sign up for his own infidelity either but he loved me, cared for me, was a great worker and partner and I forgave.

Im not here to ask moral approval but as a human in pain to vent. If you dont agree I get it, its not typical, ideal or respectable socially, but it was my life, where I found myself and I found redemption and lessons and the good and bad of it. Im sorry.

No need to be sorry If you thing you learned a lesson from it then so be it. EA might not have hurt him but it did jeopardize your relationship and it could have also escalated to more than just a simple EA. also the fact that he isolates himself with Porn , football is not the reason you chose to isolate yourself too with your Ait just made you more venerable to it. abviousely you both lacked communication

[Morro72]

The heart and mind are vast oceans that can maybe love 20 people at a time.. .

Everybody's different but I'm pretty sure that if I was in your situation and said this to my wife there would be a crater the size of Ohio where my head used to be.

[privategal]

Everybody's different but I'm pretty sure that if I was in your situation and said this to my wife there would be a crater the size of Ohio where my head used to be.

 

My point is how many times have you read a post that started "I never cheated or dreamed I'd find myself in this situation..." marriage doesn't make you immune, morality varies when you find yourself faced with it.

The correct choices are not as easy and black and white no matter what your public opinion and your happiness meter or marital stance. Im not arguing its right, Im arguing the pull is strong, the human need to be desired and share love is endlessly frustrating. I either didn't oe couldn't or wouldn't fight it...you think you've got it all in check.

Is it all cake eating? Likely but it NEVER seems so AT ALL.

[Morro72]

My comment was less about myself than about my assessment of my wife's likely reaction. Maybe the assessment is incorrect but I find it helpful to assume that it is correct.

[OldRover]

By whose standard was it not 100% though?

Cause men golf, go poker nights, surf porn sights for hours, meet their mistress in hotel rooms and back seats of cars or in Ashley Madison or their office (only speaking of men not intentionally leaving out women but to make a point)...was that with their spouse?

I on the other hand exchanged emails or calls with a friend whom I fell in love with on my OWN time. It got too deep, I was in the WRONG however I never had sex nor snuck away for time...I was working, my spouse was working.

I stole if anything mental time but he did too with porn, video games or fantasy football drafts or sporting events...he is his own person, I am mine.

Maybe Im still justifying but I still gave my all sexually, kept up my looks, listened to and supported joint and individual fdreams, still showed love, cooked, planned dates, kept up my looks and figure and so HOW did an EA hurt him?

It only made me a better spouse (dialing up the firing squad as we speak) I am not defining my marriage by LS or society standards. I didnt sign up for his own infidelity either but he loved me, cared for me, was a great worker and partner and I forgave.

Im not here to ask moral approval but as a human in pain to vent. If you dont agree I get it, its not typical, ideal or respectable socially, but it was my life, where I found myself and I found redemption and lessons and the good and bad of it. Im sorry.

 

There's MANY men that don't do any of what I've bold faced above, I'm one of them... never, ever. Women are just a guilty of similar things. Neither sex is better than the other.

 

But, you have crossed the line (as sometimes men do), and you have to deal with it. But you also hurt and I'll give you sympathy for that, but it's what you chose, you just need to heal.

[Marc878]

By whose standard was it not 100% though?

Cause men golf, go poker nights, surf porn sights for hours, meet their mistress in hotel rooms and back seats of cars or in Ashley Madison or their office (only speaking of men not intentionally leaving out women but to make a point)...was that with their spouse?

I on the other hand exchanged emails or calls with a friend whom I fell in love with on my OWN time. It got too deep, I was in the WRONG however I never had sex nor snuck away for time...I was working, my spouse was working.

I stole if anything mental time but he did too with porn, video games or fantasy football drafts or sporting events...he is his own person, I am mine.

Maybe Im still justifying but I still gave my all sexually, kept up my looks, listened to and supported joint and individual fdreams, still showed love, cooked, planned dates, kept up my looks and figure and so HOW did an EA hurt him?

It only made me a better spouse (dialing up the firing squad as we speak) I am not defining my marriage by LS or society standards. I didnt sign up for his own infidelity either but he loved me, cared for me, was a great worker and partner and I forgave.

Im not here to ask moral approval but as a human in pain to vent. If you dont agree I get it, its not typical, ideal or respectable socially, but it was my life, where I found myself and I found redemption and lessons and the good and bad of it. Im sorry.

 

You are not responsible for your H's actions. He must own those.

 

You are responsible for yourself. An EA is dangerous. your feelings get channeled in another direction and emotionally you can't deal with two lives. No one can. It takes from your real life. The grass always looks greener from where you're standing because you only see the good things. Communication which could be better spent in you current life doesn't happen.

 

Men of which I'm one are sometimes stupid and think things are great when they aren't. I was always trying get us set long term financially and sometimes oblivious to the day to day.

 

No marriage is perfect. However, if you can communicate with each other it can be very good. I think women are smarter about seeing the day to day issues than men are.

 

Channel your efforts at home versus some one in a fantasy and you may be very surprised at what can happen. You don't have enough time/emotions to do both. Hence less than 100%

 

You're smart you can do this.

Edited August 30, 2015 by Marc878

[privategal]

You are not responsible for your H's actions. He must own those.

 

You are responsible for yourself. An EA is dangerous. your feelings get channeled in another direction and emotionally you can't deal with two lives. No one can. It takes from your real life. The grass always looks greener from where you're standing because you only see the good things. Communication which could be better spent in you current life doesn't happen.

 

Men of which I'm one are sometimes stupid and think things are great when they aren't. I was always trying get us set long term financially and sometimes oblivious to the day to day.

 

No marriage is perfect. However, if you can communicate with each other it can be very good. I think women are smarter about seeing the day to day issues than men are.

 

Channel your efforts at home versus some one in a fantasy and you may be very surprised at what can happen. You don't have enough time/emotions to do both. Hence less than 100%

 

You're smart you can do this.

Of course Im channeling at home. Its good advice and tough to unravel the feelings for another.

I was used to doing both, I actually felt no conflict oddly.

I think when we were single it was unrequited love for him maybe...just pushed down...then years of friendship then love for me. It was a closure of the unrequited time and apparently maybe I was used but either way when u love it usually doesnt die. It died. But alas I have that love at home so I am fine just shell shocked.

[Marc878]

You can never go back there or you'll end up dealing with it again. Nothing good can come of it.

 

Concentrate on your real life. Time will take care of the rest. Believe me.

 

Good luck and I wish you the very best.

[nightmare01]

A "love" that includes both emotional and physical abuse is not a love I'd be interested in, but that's just me.

 

Lies - ok sure we all lie, but lies covering up dangerous behavior that could well cause harm to someone else... someone that you profess to love, that's beyond acceptable.

 

I think you "love" the lifestyle being with your husband provides. The security of the safety net, the nice house, respect in the community, security for your children, the financial perks... That's what you are in love with IMO.

 

Pretty sad for all those you abuse by your actions.

[privategal]

A "love" that includes both emotional and physical abuse is not a love I'd be interested in, but that's just me.

 

Lies - ok sure we all lie, but lies covering up dangerous behavior that could well cause harm to someone else... someone that you profess to love, that's beyond acceptable.

 

I think you "love" the lifestyle being with your husband provides. The security of the safety net, the nice house, respect in the community, security for your children, the financial perks... That's what you are in love with IMO.

 

Pretty sad for all those you abuse by your actions.

 

Please do your research before responding. I have no children, we rent, very working class lifestlye, we were even homeless at one point in last few years due to a job offer gone sour.

No one was abused. We both loved our spouses and through a long term friendship fell in love.

Your response has nothing to do with my situation.

Im not trying to recapture an old love rather making peace with a crazy ending. Everyone in our lives is fine and healthy...no drama...just a sad ending. Again...do your research and find something constructive to say...cause you said "but thats just me" but I am not you clearly.

Were all just here finding peace and talking it through. Im not looking for approval but constructive feedback. Im no abuser thats out of line.

Thanks.

[nightmare01]

I guess we're going to have to disagree.

 

The research I've done is to read this thread. I don't have the time and inclination to hunt down everything you've written on LS. From reading this thread I've surmised that:

 

1. you had a tight bond of friendship with your OM before you met or married your BH.

2. your friendship at some point became an EA. I'm unclear as to when this happened in relation to your marriage.

3. your EA eventually became a PA.

4. your OM cut contact some time around when he and his BW had children.

5. later he contacted you and you got sucked back into your EA / PA.

 

If I'm incorrect in any of this the fault is mine.. but as I said I only read this thread.

 

My POV is that of a BH - 14 years past Dday. WW and I are doing very nicely now. Some bumps here and there, but mostly ok. Like you my WW had a friendship that became a EA then became a PA.

 

IMO all affairs are abuse.

First physical abuse because not only does a WS subject their BS to all sorts of STD koodies that could be life threatening (or at least life altering), but there is also the threat of physical violence from a OP or OP's BS. Murders are not uncommon in situations where there is an affair going on.

 

And of course OP generally say they are only having sex with their BS and you.. or some go so far as to say they aren't having sex with their BS (which usually turns out to be a lie). My WW's OM told her that he was only having sex with his BW, and in the end she found this out to be a lie.. he had another girl on the side beside her.. AND his BW was cheating on him. Lots of possibilities for STD's to creep their way into my body via my WW.

 

Also - WS lie. You lied to your BH. Your OP lied to his BW. And yet, you assume he's not lying to you. Of course he didn't because he's such a great guy.... that happens to be a liar and a cheater.

 

Second there is mental abuse, which in many cases does more harm than the physical side of things. You have no idea the level of self deception and general mind ****ery that a BS goes through. During the affair most of us know that something is amiss. We can't put our finger on it, and we say nothing about it.. but it really messes with your mind. In the end we BS end up betraying ourselves because we go to such lengths to explain away obvious warning signs simply because we do not want to believe our spouse, whom we love with all our heart, would do this to us.

 

After 14 years the mental abuse still hurts. Being betrayed by the person you trust above all others is truly a horrible thing to do.

 

I doubt you'll believe this, but I've spoken with many BS about this. Some of these BS had lost children, and they say the pain from their spouse betraying them is worse.

 

Affairs also steal YEARS out of a BS's life. This is totally because of all the lies told. Lying is about controlling what another person knows - and by controlling what they know you can control their actions. This has to be the most disrespectful thing one person can do to another. If you told your BH of your affair he might leave you, and you don't want that, so you lie and control his actions.

 

Yes, in my view affairs are abuse. I know you won't agree, and I'm sorry you can't see that.

[privategal]

I guess we're going to have to disagree.

 

The research I've done is to read this thread. I don't have the time and inclination to hunt down everything you've written on LS. From reading this thread I've surmised that:

 

1. you had a tight bond of friendship with your OM before you met or married your BH.

2. your friendship at some point became an EA. I'm unclear as to when this happened in relation to your marriage.

3. your EA eventually became a PA.

4. your OM cut contact some time around when he and his BW had children.

5. later he contacted you and you got sucked back into your EA / PA.

 

If I'm incorrect in any of this the fault is mine.. but as I said I only read this thread.

 

My POV is that of a BH - 14 years past Dday. WW and I are doing very nicely now. Some bumps here and there, but mostly ok. Like you my WW had a friendship that became a EA then became a PA.

 

IMO all affairs are abuse.

First physical abuse because not only does a WS subject their BS to all sorts of STD koodies that could be life threatening (or at least life altering), but there is also the threat of physical violence from a OP or OP's BS. Murders are not uncommon in situations where there is an affair going on.

 

And of course OP generally say they are only having sex with their BS and you.. or some go so far as to say they aren't having sex with their BS (which usually turns out to be a lie). My WW's OM told her that he was only having sex with his BW, and in the end she found this out to be a lie.. he had another girl on the side beside her.. AND his BW was cheating on him. Lots of possibilities for STD's to creep their way into my body via my WW.

 

Also - WS lie. You lied to your BH. Your OP lied to his BW. And yet, you assume he's not lying to you. Of course he didn't because he's such a great guy.... that happens to be a liar and a cheater.

 

Second there is mental abuse, which in many cases does more harm than the physical side of things. You have no idea the level of self deception and general mind ****ery that a BS goes through. During the affair most of us know that something is amiss. We can't put our finger on it, and we say nothing about it.. but it really messes with your mind. In the end we BS end up betraying ourselves because we go to such lengths to explain away obvious warning signs simply because we do not want to believe our spouse, whom we love with all our heart, would do this to us.

 

After 14 years the mental abuse still hurts. Being betrayed by the person you trust above all others is truly a horrible thing to do.

 

I doubt you'll believe this, but I've spoken with many BS about this. Some of these BS had lost children, and they say the pain from their spouse betraying them is worse.

 

Affairs also steal YEARS out of a BS's life. This is totally because of all the lies told. Lying is about controlling what another person knows - and by controlling what they know you can control their actions. This has to be the most disrespectful thing one person can do to another. If you told your BH of your affair he might leave you, and you don't want that, so you lie and control his actions.

 

Yes, in my view affairs are abuse. I know you won't agree, and I'm sorry you can't see that.

 

And again do your research...we never were PA not even oral not even a kiss. Im sorry for your pain. Our A has been over for over a year. Dday just hit a month ago due to photos he never deleted. They were discovered so some old wounds were reopened when he reached out.

Id do better to hear from married xap's and you would do better to interract with BH and BW.

Though many A have similarity and are ALL wrong...its unfair to call XAPs abusers. I see your points but when we were single and friends he didn't love me like I loved him...it was unrequited love.

I moved on and got married...he then displayed LOTS of love later. We felt guilt, knew it was wrong to continue as it was deep...he ended EA and went nc.

If you have breath and fell in love with anyone ap or not..it will hurt when it ends.

I was being transparent on the boards about that.

Thats all. Im not hoping to go back. Just healing and venting.

Best wishes to you and your BS. I hope the bumps in the road become less and less and it can be 200% for you once again.