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COMPLETELY Unexpected Breakup! Literally had no clue - on holiday the day before!

whateven

By whateven
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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whateven New Member

whateven

Posted
Posted

Okay so this is the first time I have ever used a forum for this sort of thing, but if I vent on here it helps me avoid contacting the now ex. No contact is pretty vital I feel.

 

We were in a relationship for 2 years. Initially both living an hour apart, then 3 hours apart. But spending university holidays together in mutual home town, along with any time possible. Flexible schedules allowed us to spend around 5 days together at a time, apart from longer holidays. It was all we had ever known, not living in the same city, and as far as I was aware it was going fine.

 

Most loving, caring, affectionate relationship I've ever experienced. Constantly holding hands, hugging, kissing. Ex always wanted to be holding me, would never leave me alone (in a good way!). Never had a major argument and everything was going wonderfully (or so I thought).

 

We go on our second holiday last week. It is all lovely, we do not fight, our relationship to me is as good as I've always known it to be. Affection, intimacy, I love you's, all is as it has been.

 

We return home from the holiday, chat about it with his parents, show them the photos, tell our holiday tales. We go up to bed, go to sleep. The next morning he is keen to take me home so I can 'unpack my case'. I do not question this, although he seems in a rush which is odd as neither of us have any plans that day. We have breakfast as normal, have a little cuddle on the sofa. When we go to leave he brings an overnight bag (we had plans to stay at mine that night) and we tell his mother we will see her tomorrow.

 

As soon as we get back to my house, he says we need to talk. That his university course gets more intense next year and he doesn't think it will work. He loves me etc but can't cope with not seeing me as often and constantly saying goodbye. This has come COMPLETELY out of the blue. These concerns were NEVER discussed with me. Ever. I thought we were on the same page, both happy, and set for a future together.

 

I see him the next day to exchange our belongings and he breaks down. Hysterical. Sobbing. Saying he doesn't want to hurt me he still loves me I'm his best friend he just doesn't see how it will work. Says we will be unhappy that way and he can't do it. All the while we're comforting eachothers tears, holding eachother. We part ways at the door, hugging and telling eachother we love eachother. Then he's gone.

 

So, I'm left thinking - WTF. How could he not let on that he was feeling this? I can whole heartedly say there was no indication given of this. We were on a romantic holiday last week, this week we're over. He was telling me he loves me, how beautiful I am. Then bam.

 

I just don't see how he could have acted so loving right up until the very moment he did this, without letting on at all? He is such a genuine guy and I just don't understand how he could act that way.

 

I'm obviously in the 'I'm hoping he changes his mind' phase of the breakup. Although I am questioning the person I thought I loved, as I didn't think they would be capable of hiding their emotions so well, so cunningly. Plotting a breakup without letting on at all.

 

Anyone else ever experienced this? Or have any insights...

Yummm Established Member

Yummm

Posted
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I am so sorry you're going through this. I too know what it's like to be blindsided and broken up with completely out of the blue..

 

The signs weren't there (or I simply missed them), it was horrible and left me broken.

 

By the way you write you seem to be very logical and that's really good. I'm sorry I can't give you an answer to what he's thinking, there's clearly a deeper reason to why he did what he did that we won't know.

 

As you said, NC is best, it helps you give yourself closure and move on with your life. Focus on you, NOT him, tell yourself that you don't need somebody who can drop you without communication like he did!

 

IF your relationship was as good as you said it was, your absence and silence will rub off on him and he will realize what a mistake he made. If he doesn't? Well you know that you deserve better.

 

Sending hugs and positive energy your way xox

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d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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You are right it makes no sense.

 

 

All I can do is share with you that I have been similarly blindsided. The night my grad school BF dumped me I thought he was going to propose. :( talk about being on different pages.

  • Like 2
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whateven New Member

whateven

Posted
  • Author
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Yummm - thank you so much for your words, I had no idea the kind words of a stranger could provide so much comfort! He has insisted that the relationship was amazing, wouldn't change me, wouldn't change a thing but just doesn't see how it will work with how busy his course will be next year (he's 25 doing a postgrad). Which I understand, but I thought we would at least try?! But you're right, I don't see how he could do this with no communication at all!

 

d0nnivain - so sorry to hear that that must have been devastating for you! If it provides you any comfort I too thought that maybe he had a nice surprise planned for me that day, and that's why he was in a rush...!

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
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d0nnivain - so sorry to hear that that must have been devastating for you! If it provides you any comfort I too thought that maybe he had a nice surprise planned for me that day, and that's why he was in a rush...!

 

 

Thank you but it was a very long time ago, probably longer than you have been alive. I have been happily married for almost 7 years to a great guy. I survived & so will you.

 

 

Your situation still sucks & it still doesn't make sense. I made peace with mine & the guy years ago.

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aloneinaz Established Member

aloneinaz

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You seem to have a good head on you and are being very rational about this. That will help you in the coming days and weeks. It does in fact seem very odd if you saw no signs of him loosing interest in your or the relationship. You may out of curiosity Google "signs you partner is losing interest" to see if there was a chance he was checking out. Many people who think there's nothing wrong actually missed signs and then felt blindsided. I know I'm guilty of missing them as well.

 

 

I don't know how long this holiday was booked in advance but don't overlook the possibility that he hung in there to go on it w/you to see if he could feel what he needed to continue. When it was over, he may of just came to the conclusion that he needed or wanted a change.

 

 

All his words on the break up day don't mean a thing. If he really loved you and cared for you, he wouldn't be freeing you up to date and have sex with other people. We guys are very jealous and competitive in nature and the thought of someone else touching "our girl" would cause us to blow a gasket. The fact that he was ok with that demonstrates he wasn't in love w/you anymore.

 

 

This site is littered with so many stories of college age romances that suddenly burn out. One or the other loses interest or worry that their college years are running out and they didn't get to have more experiences with different people. They want to be single and sow their oats before getting REALLY serious and thinking about marriage/kids/life together.

 

 

Stick around here and read as much as you can. Read the NC thread. The people who heal and move on the quickest have good self esteem and pride. While they are hurt, the quickly come to the conclusion of "they didn't want me in their life anymore, fine". They accept the decision and never contact the dumper again nor reply to any contact from them. Having LC w/a dumper only drags out the drama, hurt and pain. Immediately vanishing, blocking on social media and staying busy will help you navigate thru this break up the best.

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Chi townD Established Member

Chi townD

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It still baffles me that our Ex's usually wait till AFTER we get back from a holiday with them for them to break up with us. I mean, you see this a lot. And if you ask them about it, you get a stupid answer like, "I thought that this time away with you would put the spark back in our relationship." Give me a break, "Ahh..no bitch or bastard, you KNEW you were going to break up with me, but you still wanted to go on this trip. So, you waited to AFTER to break up with me. Therefore, you put more of a value on this trip than you did for this relationship. Go screw yourself."

 

 

Or...at least that's what I would have said.

 

 

Sorry that happened to you.

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NopeNah Established Member

NopeNah

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Look at it this way... If he can't handle school and you, what would happen when he gets into the workforce and the stresses that come with that? Sounds like an "easy out" excuse to me..Just saying. Sorry it happened,but better sooner than later.

Art_Critic Established Member

Art_Critic

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Whateven...sorry he blindsided you.. break ups suck but you get over him and the next guy will care more about you then this one..

 

IMO..he wanted to clear the decks so he could date others while at school.. play the field so to speak..

The trick will be when he contacts you in the future to see if you are up for a little FWB sex will be that you be sure to tell him to go eff himself instead of falling for his words...

  • Like 1
lil hoodlum Established Member

lil hoodlum

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Ugh! The blindside!

 

 

My ex that brought me to LoveShack 3 years ago did the same to me. It has been the most painful experience in my life.

 

 

I know the pain, heartache, and emotions you will go through dealing with this. I am so sorry. I couldn't wish this on my worst enemies.

 

 

I urge you to try your best to heal and move on from this. It won't be easy but it's not impossible.

 

 

Maybe there will be someone else even more amazing for you down the road.

  • Like 2
lolablue17 Established Member

lolablue17

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I've never heard of a sudden, unexpected, unexplained breakup, which is not contain another person involved (another girl in your case).

 

There is always background for that. I'm so sorry for you.

organizedchaos Established Member

organizedchaos

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OP, same thing happened to me and brought me here two years ago.

 

See a pattern in this thread? It's not uncommon.

 

Know what else is not uncommon? Finding someone even better. I have and been with her for the past year and it's better than the previous relationship in so many ways.

  • Like 3
Xiomn Established Member

Xiomn

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Mine came from out of nowhere too, hadn't expressed any worries, her feelings or anything and broke up with me out of the blue over text. Found out everything she said to me when breaking up with me was a complete lie and I trusted her at time because damn did she sound like she was being genuine. People make time for the people they love, no matter how difficult the circumstances may be.

minimariah Established Member

minimariah

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so sorry, sweetheart.

 

i think we have all been there, at least once.

 

my advice to you -- go NC immediately & don't question his motives too much. he wasn't that genuine after all, you have folks who simply can't or don't know how to address their feelings when it's TIME... but when it's too late.

 

it didn't work out. don't think about it too much, try to accept it for what it is. he wasn't honest or truthful with you & there very well might be another person involved. i had a dude like that, cried his eyes out while dumping me and still continued to tell me he loved me even when he moved on to another girl.... remove folks like that. that's an emotional mess you don't want to deal with, trust me.

 

and again... go straight up NC.

Edited by minimariah
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pillowpuffs Established Member

pillowpuffs

Posted
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My ex broke up with me while we were on holiday. Our last night in that city together. We'd just been reunited few days prior after being apart for 5-6 months because he had a short stint studying abroad. I didn't expect it either and thought we were going to get back to our country, be stronger than ever, finally move towards a future and a concrete life together. I couldn't wait for us to restart our lives together and did not want to be apart from him after that. He didn't think that way obviously. He said we didn't have a future despite spending 6 years together. In my case, someone else was involved. He had cheated and then he dumped me (without expecting me to find out about him cheating).

 

It really really hurts to be blindsided like this. I am sorry you had to experience it. I hope no one else was involved in your case, it is adds another layer to the pain.

 

Like the above poster has said, do not question his motives, go NC, none of it is going to make sense right now and maybe it never will. People are messed up and very confused in their own heads - I don't think we'll ever get the truth or truly know what's going on because some of our ex's don't even know it themselves or refuse to be honest with themselves.

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TunaCat Established Member

TunaCat

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Oh man OP, I am so sorry you're going through this.

 

I went through this just about 5 months ago. Just the day before we were talking about his best friend's wedding and how we were so excited to go to the wedding. We were talking about getting engaged ourselves and moving in together after we got engaged.

 

And then, the following night he ended it.

 

There were no warning signs, no hints that he was even thinking about ending it. What really gets me is that we prided ourselves on having great communication and he never even communicated that he was having doubts about us.

 

It was a mutual decision to go NC. I have been consistent with NC from the beginning, but he messaged me 3 times shortly after the breakup. I did not even read the messages.

  • Like 1
madde Member

madde

Posted
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So sorry for you right now - no one ever deserve break up like this! I know the pain, confusion, fears you are going right now and will be going through, but you'll be fine, I promise. It is my 38 day since blinsided break up, and I can say that day after day it is getting better. Sometimes there is turning back in emotions, but accept it un trust yourself - these emotions aren't true you, it is only emotions. Hugs for you! Take care of yourself.

SycamoreCircle Established Member

SycamoreCircle

Posted
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OP, your ex's behavior doesn't make sense, right?

 

That's because he's not being honest. I'd lay good money on another girl in the picture.

 

In any event, let his emotional dishonesty be the fuel you need to forcefully sever any ties to him and go NC.

 

Stay strong.

  • Like 2
Xiomn Established Member

Xiomn

Posted
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OP, your ex's behavior doesn't make sense, right?

 

That's because he's not being honest. I'd lay good money on another girl in the picture.

 

In any event, let his emotional dishonesty be the fuel you need to forcefully sever any ties to him and go NC.

 

Stay strong.

 

That's what happened with me.

And that's exactly what I'm doing now.

ilovemefirst Established Member

ilovemefirst

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I am so sorry you have to go through this. My ex did the same thing to me after easter break. He came to visit me an hour away, and spent the weekend with me, kissed me in the morning before he left...and then broke up with me via text. Said he couldn't do this anymore because of the distance and just felt that we would struggle eventually. I was heartbroken, but i tried my best to move on and let go. He came back to me within 3 months, when i was finally moving on. Truly letting go and focusing on the positives in your life, make it easier for you. If you are wondering if i took him back, no i did not. I met someone better:)

bibi123 Member

bibi123

Posted
Posted
OP, same thing happened to me and brought me here two years ago.

 

See a pattern in this thread? It's not uncommon.

 

Know what else is not uncommon? Finding someone even better. I have and been with her for the past year and it's better than the previous relationship in so many ways.

 

Great advice Organizedchaos...Do you mind sharing your opinion on my recent post? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/544492-meeting-ex-after-8-months. Highly appreciated.

Liono84 Established Member

Liono84

Posted
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I'm sorry for what you're going through whateven. Just hang in there...

 

I went through a sort of similar situation as you. Although your ex made some valid points, in the end, when you really break it down, if somebody really loves you, they will go out of their way to make things work. Distance or no distance. If they truly were on the same level with you, they wouldn't be foolish enough to let you walk away and allow the possibility of you being with another person. You have to keep emphasizing this point, and not his excuses regarding the distance in order to move on.

 

Go NC and allow yourself to heal.

lauri Established Member

lauri

Posted
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This isn't the type of man you want to be with.

 

You need to be with a man that is a rock. That can handle things and still be there for you. Someone who always makes you feel confident and happy. You cannot be with someone who is weak and unable to handle pressure. Life always has trails and tribulations, you need to know he's someone YOU don't have to take care of and that HE can take anything in stride.

 

Personally, I think the why how and what of your breakup is unimportant. There is nothing more for you to figure out or do. You need to shift your mentalitiy and start to tell yourself that you are the prize and that he is the one who is missing out.

 

I understand that now it's hard to handle and accept. I know your ego is bruised, your pride is hurt and you feel unwanted. But trust me, there is tons of better looking, smarter, more fun guys out there who are willing to commit to you. You just need to move forward and improve yourself, day by day, so that way when that new guy comes you'll be ready.

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