Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 Eric, I have protected myself and I am prepared for the worst possible outcome. I will not allow anything to be rug swept or hidden I must have full disclosure to move forward. I am too sharp to not be her top priority in life. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Alive, you are correct that my wife is basically freaking out over this. I have always been a great provider and take care of everything . My wife lived a very good life style with very little responsibility . she just doesn't have the emotional tools or capacity to fix what she broke. If she doesn't have the tools or capacity to fix what she's ruined then you can only expect a life of more of the same if you stay. Since you say she's motivated to stay by money - take away all her access to money and leave her with a small weekly allowance - so much so that she's forced to find a job full time. Don't feel sorry for her...she did this to herself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 Alive, you are correct that my wife is basically freaking out over this. I have always been a great provider and take care of everything . My wife lived a very good life style with very little responsibility . she just doesn't have the emotional tools or capacity to fix what she broke. Maybe I am just being stupid, maybe she just doesn't want to put in the work. Link to post Share on other sites
eric1 Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Eric, I have protected myself and I am prepared for the worst possible outcome. I will not allow anything to be rug swept or hidden I must have full disclosure to move forward. I am too sharp to not be her top priority in life. In that case I would respectfully suggest pushing for the timeline ASAP. In my opinion you're placing too much of an emphasis on her mental state. Over the past five years she's been mentally capable of having a relationship with a boyfriend and gas lighting you, she should be mentally capable enough to spend an hour or two writing down exactly what happened. You cannot take the next step without this. Link to post Share on other sites
Celestial-dreamer Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 I'm getting this now, not sticking up for your wife one bit, but I can see where she got her justification from, albeit wrongly. She knows your an attractive man, she couldn't believe her luck in having you. She knows you could probably have any woman you want. She knew you would be getting attention. For some women, they feel threatened by ANY attention another woman is giving her man, be it from a friend or co-worker. Now to her, your not telling her about the co-worker sent her into meltdown, and instead of talking to you about it, she hid it where it festered into a sordid affair (in her mind) Have you always made her feel that she is the only one for you? No other woman comes close to her? Or, have you ever played on her jealousy in anyway? She has a major problem with it, have her past relationships been bad? She had seen how easy it was to cheat via her *friends* she probably thought it was that easy for you. It's hard to explain, but sometimes people can't believe what they have, and they set out to destroy it just to prove then never deserved it...if you can understand that? Odd logic I know but it happens. Does your wife easily talk about how she feels? (other than anger recently, which she is angry with herself, not you) Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 BDT, ask her to write out the timeline the week that she is away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 Eric, I am going to do my final Come to Jesus meeting with her upon her return from her trip . I will ask for a timeline and complete disclosure. I am growing very tired of this situation . I will hold nothing back and tell her what I need to reconcile she will have to make her choice immediately or I am done. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 I'm getting this now, not sticking up for your wife one bit, but I can see where she got her justification from, albeit wrongly. She knows your an attractive man, she couldn't believe her luck in having you. She knows you could probably have any woman you want. She knew you would be getting attention. For some women, they feel threatened by ANY attention another woman is giving her man, be it from a friend or co-worker. Now to her, your not telling her about the co-worker sent her into meltdown, and instead of talking to you about it, she hid it where it festered into a sordid affair (in her mind) Have you always made her feel that she is the only one for you? No other woman comes close to her? Or, have you ever played on her jealousy in anyway? She has a major problem with it, have her past relationships been bad? She had seen how easy it was to cheat via her *friends* she probably thought it was that easy for you. It's hard to explain, but sometimes people can't believe what they have, and they set out to destroy it just to prove then never deserved it...if you can understand that? Odd logic I know but it happens. Does your wife easily talk about how she feels? (other than anger recently, which she is angry with herself, not you) Celestial , You are probably right my WW is somewhat neurotic in that she makes herself worry about things that are really nothing. I should have been more sympathetic to her insecurities and I should have given her a complete disclosure about the coworker. That said I believe that loyalty is the greatest gift that a spouse can give the other. I never broke that gift. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Alive, you are correct that my wife is basically freaking out over this. I have always been a great provider and take care of everything . My wife lived a very good life style with very little responsibility . she just doesn't have the emotional tools or capacity to fix what she broke.Nonsense. She just never needed them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 Nonsense. She just never needed them. Turnera, perhaps you are right, I am going to bring all of this to a head when she returns . She has been texting me today saying how much she loves me. Link to post Share on other sites
eric1 Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 I disagree with waiting to receive the timeline. If she's texting you about how much she loves you then this seems like the perfect time to jump in and ask for some assurance of her love. And her doing this while she's away gives her an opportune time to do this, being physically away from her will give her some mental and emotional distance from the problem at hand. All you're doing is prolonging the pain man. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Every time she says I love you put out more demands. She can prove her love with the actions you require. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Celestial , You are probably right my WW is somewhat neurotic in that she makes herself worry about things that are really nothing. I should have been more sympathetic to her insecurities and I should have given her a complete disclosure about the coworker. That said I believe that loyalty is the greatest gift that a spouse can give the other. I never broke that gift. Cheating is the greatest form of disrespect one spouse can show another. That is one thing the Catholic Church will allow you to divorce over. You need to out the other man, as long as she and he have secrets that you are not party to she is still picking him over you and you need to make that point clear to her. She can not contact him directly or through one of her girlfriends to let him know you know. He will need to be exposed to his wife/girlfriend if he has one, just don't tell your wife your going to do this because she will try to warn him. This is her chance to prove her commitment to you, lying, withholding information, omissions will be a detriment to the survival of your marriage and your family as it now exists. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 Eric, I truly understand this, I have made my plan and if she calls me and asks me what I need to fix us I will tell her. If not my CTJM will put it all out there for her in no uncertain terms. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 [/b] Cheating is the greatest form of disrespect one spouse can show another. That is one thing the Catholic Church will allow you to divorce over. You need to out the other man, as long as she and he have secrets that you are not party to she is still picking him over you and you need to make that point clear to her. She can not contact him directly or through one of her girlfriends to let him know you know. He will need to be exposed to his wife/girlfriend if he has one, just don't tell your wife your going to do this because she will try to warn him. This is her chance to prove her commitment to you, lying, withholding information, omissions will be a detriment to the survival of your marriage and your family as it now exists. Alive, there is no question that she has totally disrespected me over this BS and the more I think about it the angrier I get. I will have total disclosure or I will D. I have moved beyond the initial shock phase. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Turnera, perhaps you are right, I am going to bring all of this to a head when she returns . She has been texting me today saying how much she loves me. Texts and words come easily from someone used to lying. Believe only her actions, everything else is B/S. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 Alive, WW has been calling and texting me non stop telling me she wants a chance and she thanked me for giving her and the children such a good life. I didn't take her phone calls let them go to VM and I texted her back to tell her that her actions had to match her words and we will talk when she gets back. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Good for you, she see's the change and the new strength in you and she is very scared of what her new life might look like. Take this time to establish your demands for reconciliation, have them ready for her return. Demand full transparency and the absolute truth because until you have these there is no moving forward. Second chances shouldn't be expected their earned. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 Alive, I will post my demands before I confront her I honestly don't know what the outcome will be, but I am taking back control of my life regardless, Thankyou for your continued support. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Buckeye2 Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 (edited) #1. I have always been a great provider and takecare of everything. My wife lived a very good life style with very littleresponsibility. #2 She has been texting me today saying how much she loves me. I think #1 has a lot to do with #2. In the past you had very little power because you gave into her so she wouldn’t get mad (i.e. verbal abuse). She basically got all she wanted for free. When the $hit started to hit the fan she used her old tried and true technique (verbal abuse). There is an old saying: “When all you have is a hammer all the world looks like a nail.” When her hammer stopped working she freaked out. Now she has to try something different. You need to realize that you have eminence power over her future lifestyle and reputation. You basically have a magic wand that only you can wield. If you R she not only gains the obvious. If you forgive her (as the most injured party) everyone else (friends and family) will feel pressure to forgive her. How can they hold a grudge if you don't? You are like a priest that can absolve her sins. Also even if you divorce she will want to be best friends. If you are seen being friendly then everyone seeing this will assume that want she did must not have been so bad. Bottom line is that you have a lot of power over her now because her fits stopped working. Her continued anger at this stageis not the norm. She should be begging for another chance not fighting youtrying to blame you for her infidelity. My guess is she has already rewritten our marriage, told her parents that you were cheating (probably kept a copy of coworkers text as proof) and may even have their blessing to divorce you if that is what she wants. I think she did a lot more than what she's confessed to and this is why she doesn't want you talking to the drug crazed ex friend Jill. She might of had a girl or threesome in there somewhere based on her history. Something similar happened to my friend N--L, they nicknamed his wife "The Hot Tub Whore." You are reaching the anger stage and this is normal but you need to control it. Doing crazy things in a rage can affect you when it comes to child custody. She may be purposely pushing your buttons to get a ragereaction from you. If she is hiding a lot more infidelity from you she may have already decided divorcing you without exposure is her best bet because you'll probably divorce her when you hear the truth anyway and she keeps her Madonna intact. The above is pure gold. Pay attention. Edited August 31, 2015 by Buckeye2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 Buckeye, I am paying close attention to everything and especially to the experienced contributors here at LS. I hope that her change of heart isn't based solely on financials I do believe that somewhere under that selfish exterior she does love me. Maybe not , but I will determine that at the end of this week. I have my plan in place and I will work my plan. Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Buckeye, I am paying close attention to everything and especially to the experienced contributors here at LS. I hope that her change of heart isn't based solely on financials I do believe that somewhere under that selfish exterior she does love me. Maybe not , but I will determine that at the end of this week. I have my plan in place and I will work my plan. big daddy: you must be a strong man mentally, I'm overwhelmed just reading your comments. I'm pretty sure that no matter what you will be able to move on from this and live your life with or without her. just be ready for the battle my friend. you have already been honest so just be clear with her with all you thoughts, if she really loves you will find that out too 1 Link to post Share on other sites
eric1 Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 So what time are you powering up your VAR and going to visit Jill? Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 I think your wife has been in control of your marriage for years, NOW she feels the distance and you taking back a measure of control. This has her scared, she is coming face to face with her past and is starting to understand the bill is past due. From the sounds of it, she isn't going to give it up easy. I know you say your prepared to walk away, however doing it is a 1000 times harder then saying it. What you find in these cases is we (men) start to move our limits when these women don't meet our demands. Ex: if she kissed OM I'm out. Then you find out she kissed him. Well if she slept with him I'm out, then you find out she has. Then its if she did it in my house I'm out, and so on. Bottomline is every single detail shouldn't be important for you to make the decision to D or R. The betrayal happened no matter the details. I get the sense that you can't / won't move pass the betrayal so why put yourself through the stress and pain? I'm always talking about BS's moving strong moves. That's what selfish people understand, allow no rope to move. By doing so she feels she can gaslight you, which she has be doing for years, it allows blameshifting which she is doing now. All of which causes you pain. In hindsight, I think had I just filed for divorce within the first few weeks it would have saved me the many months of pain and stress. Like your wife, mine sensed the end was near it was only once she was served did she show me her heart. Why? Because before I took strong actions she felt she could manipulate and bully me off the trail. That is what your wife is doing now. Stop moving you limits to make allowances for her. In all honesty if your marriage was as important to her she would have never taken this trip. So I ask, are you REALLY prepared to walk away. I don't think you are. Like me and many others your head is telling you to run, yet you stay looking for a reason to justify it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 Qubist , I am mentally strong, I just lost my way with this betrayal. This has been in the works since before my WW was injured. It has taken me this long to address this. Eric, soon I will see the OM and Jill this week and I have reached out to a PI who use to work with me. DKT3, I have read your threads and I have always prayed that you and Loving would make it through. Yes I am very capable of walking away. Even if I say that I want to reconcile I may not be able to get past the humiliation and betrayal. My WW has controlled this relationship for too long . I am now taking back the control of not just my marriage, but my life . I can't answer the question of boundaries until I have the truth as to her infidelity. Based upon the facts and my gut I will make a decision as to what I can and can't live with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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