Despondent - not likely to meet the right guy

[BluEyeL]

I am sorry you're going through this. I know how tough it is! When I was in your situation, a book that helped me was titled "The Science of Happily Ever After" by Ty Tashiro. Try it.

 

Also, I was doing affirmations and visualization daily. Helped me cope with dating.

[spiderowl]

If you are still in talking term with the guy, why don't you try to be with him?

 

Sorry, just realised you asked a question. I very rarely see him now. He seems to have got more involved with smoking than he had then and drinking so I don't think I could. He is not very good at chatting women up either so he gives up easily. There seems little point encouraging him when I have such doubts about different aspects, esp smoking and drinking. I'm not puritanical about it, I drink occasionally, but there are limits when it seems to be dominating someone's life.

[spiderowl]

I am sorry you're going through this. I know how tough it is! When I was in your situation, a book that helped me was titled "The Science of Happily Ever After" by Ty Tashiro. Try it.

 

Also, I was doing affirmations and visualization daily. Helped me cope with dating.

 

Thanks for the suggestion; I shall look into it.

[Robert Z]

I find the contrast interesting. When I had my darkest moments, I realized that even a loveless life with meaningless sex was better than a sexless life. In a hierarchy of essential needs, basic human contact was more important than love. I could live without love but the idea of never being touched again was more than I could bear.

[misspond]

Sorry to read that you're feeling this way Spiderowl - but I think it really is true to say that you just never know.

 

I've been experiencing exactly the same thing with OLD, getting messages from men who are unappealing for whatever reason be it age, looks, kinks or whatever. However, the fates have recently offered me a lovely man via OLD. It may not last forever but we're having fun getting to know one another, and the whole experience has gone some way to restore my faith not only in OLD but in men generally.

 

Now I'll confess physically he's a little cuddlier than I would normally go for, a bit younger (I'm 48 and he's 42 so it's not a huge leap in the wrong direction), doesn't drive but is more than happy to trek over on the train, and although his kind, considerate nature and nerdy interests came across in his written profile just how kind and considerate, dry humored, funny and flirty and sexy didn't.

 

That first meeting was all important because if I'd gone on his pics alone I'd have dismissed him. So I'll repeat, you just never know.

 

It may well be worth taking a break for a while. It sounds to me as though you do have the rest of your life together and sometimes it's a matter of timing/fate/whatever for someone compatible to come along. So keep your chin up, do what makes you feel good in terms of taking a break or not and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

 

And my apologies if this comes across wrongly - I'm just trying to get across how surprised one cynical human can be at meeting someone from OLD when they were convinced the whole of OLD was a cesspit.

Edited August 24, 2015 by misspond

[craw]

It's hard to keep our heads high and keep looking.

 

I really am repulsed by online dating.

[spiderowl]

Thanks for all replies, I appreciate your thoughts and support. I know I'm not the only one who feels like this.

 

xx

[Popsicle]

You're not alone. I feel like I had my time and now it's up. I will most likely just live the rest of my life in my fantasies and with good memories.

[kilgore]

You're not alone. I feel like I had my time and now it's up. I will most likely just live the rest of my life in my fantasies and with good memories.

 

Why do you think that?

[Popsicle]

Why do you think that?

 

I suspect that at this point the odds are pretty low for various reasons that I will find the one for me.

[kilgore]

I suspect that at this point the odds are pretty low for various reasons that I will find the one for me.

 

But you seem like a sweet, funny person. There is no need to be so defeatist

[Popsicle]

But you seem like a sweet, funny person. There is no need to be so defeatist

 

I am sweet and funny. If it happens, great, I just don't want to expect anything though.

[kilgore]

I am sweet and funny. If it happens, great, I just don't want to expect anything though.

 

Fair enough but that is not the same as giving up on it

[Popsicle]

Fair enough but that is not the same as giving up on it

 

I feel like I've given up though. I'm working on accepting and being at peace with being alone for the rest of my life. I don't know how to explain it.

[kilgore]

I feel like I've given up though. I'm working on accepting and being at peace with being alone for the rest of my life. I don't know how to explain it.

 

That sucks. Sweet and funny don't grow on trees

[Arieswoman]

Spiderowl,

 

Thanks, I'm sure it does happen for some. It's not likely to for me. I find I rarely feel a connection and then when I do they are attached or too young, sometimes too old.

 

I don't want to drop my standards at all but life seems pretty bleak now I know I'm going to be alone for the rest of it.

 

^^^^^

 

This sort of negative thinking doesn't do you much good, so stop it now !

 

Dating is a numbers game. The more people you meet the more you are likely to find someone who clicks with you.

 

Although it's ironic that you'll need to go out to meet guys, who you then want to stay home with, I'm afraid that's how it works usually.

 

Here are some examples of where people I know met their SO ;

 

One girl I knew starting dating a guy who came to lay a new kitchen floor for her.

 

Another girl met a guy at the car dealership.

 

Two divorced people I knew met on an Animal Rights demo.

 

I just went to a wedding this year where the couple met because he came to fix her computer.

 

I met my 2nd husband at Church.

 

Two other people met on a whale-watching trip.

 

A guy met his future wife at a bus-stop.

 

My auntie met her bf on a train.

 

Lots of people I know/knew met at work, parties, BBQs, school functions, dancing classes, were introduced by friends, in hospital waiting rooms. etc etc.

 

If you stay positive and put yourself out there, it will happen.

 

Good luck x

 

PS and forget this "I'm too old" crap. Last year an old boy at the Church (widower) married a widow. He was 85 and she is 77

[angel.eyes]

It's never too late! Someone I share a hobby with just married someone she met through our hobby. It's a lifelong passion of his. It's something she took up a couple of years ago. They're both in their eighties. He's a total catch! Right now they're in Bora Bora on their honeymoon.

 

Have lots of interests. Stay active. Try to stay positive. Negativity can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. So, take a break when dating begins to get you down. When you feel better, get back in the saddle. You just have to keep the faith that things will eventually work out for you. They generally do.

[spiderowl]

I appreciate what you are saying Arieswoman and I know that in order to meet people I'd need to be out there, but I have been out there and seen other people forming relationships (being more confident and assertive than me) and I can't do that. I've just lost interest in the kinds of guys who seem to be available. There is always some major problem, like meanness, drinking too much, smoking, too old, too young, or too dim (to put it bluntly). I know no-one is perfect, least of all me, but if others can find good relationships where am I going wrong? People seem to like me and want to talk to me but I'm bored with small talk and trying to avoid the guys I'm not attracted to. Sounds awful I guess.