Just ended my affair

[Redbird Fly]

 

You don't have to answer this but it could help us help you. How did your husband react to the new?

 

Not even sure how to answer - devastated...angry...shocked...kind of not shocked. Surreal?

 

I feel like I can't share a lot without being too personal here. There was a lead-up to this conversation that just made it clear it was time. I asked him if I could please tell him some things that may be hard.

 

If there is one thing I could suggest to BS...give your WS an opportunity, a "safe" zone to really talk. It may feel irritating to you, like you shouldn't have to bend over backwards to do anything for these "cheaters." And you don't. You don't have to do anything. But I WANTED to tell my H. Yet I didn't feel like I could. I finally begged him...it was when I felt safe that I told him. I guess the prerequisite is having a shred of remorse.

 

If I get beat up here for saying that...so be it.

[DKT3]

Not even sure how to answer - devastated...angry...shocked...kind of not shocked. Surreal?

 

I feel like I can't share a lot without being too personal here. There was a lead-up to this conversation that just made it clear it was time. I asked him if I could please tell him some things that may be hard.

 

If there is one thing I could suggest to BS...give your WS an opportunity, a "safe" zone to really talk. It may feel irritating to you, like you shouldn't have to bend over backwards to do anything for these "cheaters." And you don't. You don't have to do anything. But I WANTED to tell my H. Yet I didn't feel like I could. I finally begged him...it was when I felt safe that I told him. I guess the prerequisite is having a shred of remorse.

 

If I get beat up here for saying that...so be it.

 

I guess I don't understand what you want to be safe from...safe from judgement? Safe from anger? Safe that he wouldn't leave?

 

I'm assuming he has done something that gave you enough safety to return to the affair. Even after seeing his pain the first time.

 

A question, what have or do you plan to do for his safety? Your attitude on that is somewhat unsettling as someone once in your husbands shoes.

[Marc878]

From remorseful's experience I think it wise to take the time to figure out if reconciliation is even in the cards. Why waste years on something that can never be. It's what everyone maybe expects but is it the right thing for you and your H?

 

From what I read of her experience she tried to do everything possible but in the end it was to no avail.

 

None of us know your husband but he has to be able to get thru not only the affair but the affairX2. And where are you? Is your heart in it or would you just be going through the motions? You had and affair x2 which says it was more important than your marriage.

 

Marriage is hard work for both even in the best of times.

 

 

I can only wish you both the best in whichever road you take.

[m.snow]

one thing that makes your case a bit different from most if not all.

is that in both cases you confessed first.

before your bh found any evidence. that will somehow count in the long run.

 

cases like this has a high chance of R.

[Redbird Fly]

I guess I don't understand what you want to be safe from...safe from judgement? Safe from anger? Safe that he wouldn't leave?

 

I'm assuming he has done something that gave you enough safety to return to the affair. Even after seeing his pain the first time.

 

A question, what have or do you plan to do for his safety? Your attitude on that is somewhat unsettling as someone once in your husbands shoes.

 

In making myself vulnerable by offering him this information, this level of honesty, I asked for emotional and physical safety from him in return. Not that it meant acceptance or forgiveness, but just some room so we could even speak without him losing it.

 

Why are you questioning this? Sometimes I get the feeling that some of you guys believe that once we (women especially) have cheated, we've lost all basic rights, or that even a simple mild request such as this could be wrong. Maybe I'm misinterpreting. I wasn't posturing; I just wanted to be able to actually have an honest and real talk with my husband.

 

After the talk, he could and still can do whatever he wants.

 

Your other comment about him giving me enough safety to return to the affair is sarcastic. Much of his pain after the first time was directed at me in shame and humiliation and degradation. It took a toll. When the MM called me, I made the mistake of listening. I won't do it again.

 

I am doing a great deal to make him feel safe and have offered more. Will he take me up on it? I don't know. Will he feel safe, when I am doing everything I can and then some? When there is nothing more I can do and it is all in his head? Will he even give me a chance? Will I be able to shed the shame enough if he does?

 

I don't know.

[road]

Thank you. I've read your threads and the fear of what happened to you is probably what holds me back the most. Because if I have it right, your H did appear to reconcile, or try, for a long time. What if we go through all of this for my husband to one day, after 8 years, say - you know what? I can't do it. I tried, but I can't.

 

It's scary. It all is. But we are imperfect, right? There are no guarantees in life, regardless of how "perfect" we try to be. I can tell you one thing - NOTHING teaches like the pain of experience. I truly believe that I am a BETTER risk going forward. Who is less likely to touch a hot stove - someone who has no concept of what hot feels like, of what a stove even does? Or someone who has actually felt that searing heat?

 

 

 

Actions have consequences. Who knows what will happen years from now? Not even the Shadow knows.

[jbrent890]

Your other comment about him giving me enough safety to return to the affair is sarcastic. Much of his pain after the first time was directed at me in shame and humiliation and degradation. It took a toll. When the MM called me, I made the mistake of listening. I won't do it again.

 

 

If you don't mind me saying, this statement kind of worries me and here's why. For your husband to R with you again, I'm pretty sure that he is going to go into it with a "walking on egg shells" mentality. His biggest worry might be that if he says something that upsets you, you are going to cheat again or walk away. Now I'm not saying that he that the anger and rage should be there forever. After a certain point in time, he is going to have to let that go if R is what he wants. However, initially, and quite honestly Redbird, he has every right to feel the way that he feels and says the things that he says. Its part of the process. He has to get that anger out or else you will see situations like him leaving years later on or worse, him having a revenge affair. If R is what you want, you are going to have to let him get that anger out. Its going to be rough and he will say some very hurtful things, but it will do you guys a lot better in the long run as opposed to him essentially rugsweeping out of fear of what you might do. Not saying that you will cheat again. Trust me, I believe that you wont. But he doesn't know that. And again, I'm not saying that you should live years of your life with someone that constantly puts you down, but at some point, he is going to have to let his rage and resentment out without fear that you will cheat again. Hope that doesn't come off as too harsh.

[DKT3]

In making myself vulnerable by offering him this information, this level of honesty, I asked for emotional and physical safety from him in return. Not that it meant acceptance or forgiveness, but just some room so we could even speak without him losing it.

 

Why are you questioning this? Sometimes I get the feeling that some of you guys believe that once we (women especially) have cheated, we've lost all basic rights, or that even a simple mild request such as this could be wrong. Maybe I'm misinterpreting. I wasn't posturing; I just wanted to be able to actually have an honest and real talk with my husband.

 

After the talk, he could and still can do whatever he wants.

 

Your other comment about him giving me enough safety to return to the affair is sarcastic. Much of his pain after the first time was directed at me in shame and humiliation and degradation. It took a toll. When the MM called me, I made the mistake of listening. I won't do it again.

 

I am doing a great deal to make him feel safe and have offered more. Will he take me up on it? I don't know. Will he feel safe, when I am doing everything I can and then some? When there is nothing more I can do and it is all in his head? Will he even give me a chance? Will I be able to shed the shame enough if he does?

 

I don't know.

 

No, it wasn't meant to be sarcastic. However it was meant to shine a light on the mindset that allowed you to enter an affair is still present. Words mean nothing, and your actions don't offer safety. Even in returning to the affair you blame your husband. Maybe not outwardly but it bleeds through in your words.

 

Listen, it takes a lot to accept the things your WS did and try to push through. I've been there. No, I don't think cheating has made my WS some kind of convict or second class. HOWEVER, it did make me totally unwilling to accept certain things.

 

I'm not trying to bring you down, I'm trying to point out that until you change your mindset or point of focus, nothing else really matters. It makes R doomed from the start.

[road]

From remorseful's experience I think it wise to take the time to figure out if reconciliation is even in the cards. Why waste years on something that can never be. It's what everyone maybe expects but is it the right thing for you and your H?

 

From what I read of her experience she tried to do everything possible but in the end it was to no avail.

 

None of us know your husband but he has to be able to get thru not only the affair but the affairX2. And where are you? Is your heart in it or would you just be going through the motions? You had and affair x2 which says it was more important than your marriage.

 

Marriage is hard work for both even in the best of times.

 

 

I can only wish you both the best in whichever road you take.

 

By your standards no one should attempt recovery for recovery is a two to five year process with there never being any guarantees.

[road]

In making myself vulnerable by offering him this information, this level of honesty, I asked for emotional and physical safety from him in return. Not that it meant acceptance or forgiveness, but just some room so we could even speak without him losing it.

 

Why are you questioning this? Sometimes I get the feeling that some of you guys believe that once we (women especially) have cheated, we've lost all basic rights, or that even a simple mild request such as this could be wrong. Maybe I'm misinterpreting. I wasn't posturing; I just wanted to be able to actually have an honest and real talk with my husband.

 

After the talk, he could and still can do whatever he wants.

 

Your other comment about him giving me enough safety to return to the affair is sarcastic. Much of his pain after the first time was directed at me in shame and humiliation and degradation. It took a toll. When the MM called me, I made the mistake of listening. I won't do it again.

 

I am doing a great deal to make him feel safe and have offered more. Will he take me up on it? I don't know. Will he feel safe, when I am doing everything I can and then some? When there is nothing more I can do and it is all in his head? Will he even give me a chance? Will I be able to shed the shame enough if he does?

 

I don't know.

 

 

 

When the BS does not make the WS feel safe there is no motivation for the WS to confess and answer the BS's questions. Angry outbursts from the BS teaches the WS that they are better to keep their mouth shut.

[jbrent890]

When the BS does not make the WS feel safe there is no motivation for the WS to confess and answer the BS's questions. Angry outbursts from the BS teaches the WS that they are better to keep their mouth shut.

 

But shouldn't this be the other way around. The WS asking for safety, especially after discovery is a lot to ask of the BS. You are talking about individuals that essentially had their lives turned upside down, and most importantly, they didn't ask for that to happen. I think anger is really par for the course.

[singer23]

I choose my husband a thousand times over. There is no doubt in my mind who is a better husband and father for me and our children.

 

Did the MM love me? I don't know if he knows what love is. I don't see how there can be real love in a lying, deceitful relationship. It's all false. It's nearly impossible to see in the middle of it though.

 

I am very sorry for what happened to you. I haven't read your entire thread, so I don't have an idea of what may be going on in your WW's mind. But I can say that the decisions I made while in the affair and even in the months immediately following the first ending were really poor. My mind was not straight yet. Nobody is thinking straight, WS or BS, in those days. So divorce may be still be right for you, but you may not need to rush it either. Your call of course. My best to you.

 

Why should your husband choose you ? If he is better man than the OM, why should he settle with the bottom of barrel, the female equivalent of OM, you ? Doesn't he deserve better than you ?

[jbrent890]

Why should your husband choose you ? If he is better man than the OM, why should he settle with the bottom of barrel, the female equivalent of OM, you ? Doesn't he deserve better than you ?

 

C'mon on bro

[craw]

I only read the first post of this thread - Good for you!

It's must have been hard to go NC. Congratulations! No more biting the forbidden apple. I hope you are happier now and guilt free.

[malvern99]

In making myself vulnerable by offering him this information, this level of honesty, I asked for emotional and physical safety from him in return. Not that it meant acceptance or forgiveness, but just some room so we could even speak without him losing it.

 

Does your H have a history of domestic violence? If he does, I am sorry, and you ought to leave him. If he doesn't, then this is a patently unfair statement. Setting yourself up as a potential victim when there is no history of it is just wrong IMO.

 

Why are you questioning this? Sometimes I get the feeling that some of you guys believe that once we (women especially) have cheated, we've lost all basic rights, or that even a simple mild request such as this could be wrong. Maybe I'm misinterpreting. I wasn't posturing; I just wanted to be able to actually have an honest and real talk with my husband.

 

Actions have consequences, regardless of a person's gender. Expecting a spouse to not express their pain and anger verbally is unrealistic. As a WS, your actions are old news to you... not so to the BS. You have had time to process what happened. This is brand new info to your BS. Yes, your BH may have suspected something was off, but there is a big difference between suspecting and having it confirmed. I humbly suggest you not focus on your own pain or shame (and I know you have both), but focus on your H's pain. I know it may not feel this way, but you are not the victim in this situation. Part of remorse in my understanding, is recognizing that your own pain while very real to you is secondary in the bigger picture. Your desire to R will be measured by what actions you take to try and mitigate your H's pain.

 

After the talk, he could and still can do whatever he wants.

 

Your other comment about him giving me enough safety to return to the affair is sarcastic. Much of his pain after the first time was directed at me in shame and humiliation and degradation. It took a toll. When the MM called me, I made the mistake of listening. I won't do it again.

 

Once again, how did you expect your H to respond after your first confession? I would have been concerned had I been you and just dropped that bomb on my spouse and they did not react. "Listening" was not a mistake. It was a choice. Own it. Trying to understand and adjust your coping mechanisms can't happen if you do not own the choices that led you to undesirable outcomes.

 

I am doing a great deal to make him feel safe and have offered more. Will he take me up on it? I don't know. Will he feel safe, when I am doing everything I can and then some? When there is nothing more I can do and it is all in his head? Will he even give me a chance? Will I be able to shed the shame enough if he does?

 

I don't know.

 

I wish there was a more delicate way to say this, but I am not smart enough to figure it out. I hope you take this in the spirit it was intended. As that old saying goes, "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me". Expecting your H to take your words at face value now is just unrealistic. Of course he will question everything you say, or will just flat out refuse to believe your words even when you are being truthful. Dismissing this by consigning things to being "all in his head" is not a good idea IMO. The better course of action would be acknowledging to him that your words are of little value at present, and asking him to watch your actions instead.

 

Your BH feeling safe is not something that will happen over the course of a couple of days. That will take months, even years. It may never happen, but that comes with the territory. R is a marathon, not a sprint. I hope you are prepared for the long slog ahead. I wish you well. Keep posting. We are here for you.

Edited September 8, 2015 by malvern99

[harrybrown]

If your H had this extended A, and he told you, would you be calm?

 

He will never recover from your A unless you work thru it.

 

Will you pay for Affair counseling? I hope you have enrolled in it with your H.

Make sure he tells you how he is feeling and that he does not have thoughts of suicide.

Edited September 8, 2015 by harrybrown
edit

[Morro72]

...Sometimes I get the feeling that some of you guys believe that once we ... have cheated, we've lost all basic rights...

Probably true of some; I hope it's not true of most.

 

What does need to be recognized, though, is that when one partner lies about something important and damaging to the marriage, reestablishing some level of trust, if it's even possible, will take a very long time. This is true whether the lies concern infidelity or any of the thousand other things one person can do to damage a relationship with another.

[Redbird Fly]

Man, it's hard here sometimes.

 

No, I didn't ask him not to get get mad or anything like that. I just asked him, can I please have an opportunity to tell you some hard things? Please? He has historically been very combative and just made it impossible, from my POV.

 

He said yes.

 

My H has shown a lot of emotional instability since the revelation of this A. Out of respect for him and to avoid getting too personal, I won't go into details. But it has made me very uncomfortable and concerned at times, for all of our well-beings (my family).

 

And please don't hit me over the head with how awful of a person I am for seeing this pain and then doing it again. Logic was not in charge as we all know.

 

I will go back and see what others said so I can respond....

[Redbird Fly]

But shouldn't this be the other way around. The WS asking for safety, especially after discovery is a lot to ask of the BS. You are talking about individuals that essentially had their lives turned upside down, and most importantly, they didn't ask for that to happen. I think anger is really par for the course.

 

I absolutely think it is my job to make my H feel safe. But in order to even be able to tell him, I asked for an opportunity to do so.

 

There have been so many times over the months that I have felt the desire rise up in me to just spill my guts to my H. But I remembered his panicked reaction from the first time...the things he did...the complete loss of control of his own behavior...the fear I had for all of us. And every time we tried to have a discussion, he would hurl things at me until I had nothing left. I felt incapable of speaking the truth to him. I would pray for an opportunity, a safe way of speaking to him. That is why I thought the therapy weekend might be good.

 

That's what I mean. If you have a spouse who desires to tell but the offended spouse does not provide that forum, it may never happen. It's too damn scary. I'm not talking about removing the right to get angry or even walk out and never look back. But just providing 10 or 20 minutes where we can speak and get it all out and I won't be punished for speaking in the moment and he will hear me. And once the truth is on the table, we will take it from there.

[aliveagain]

I absolutely think it is my job to make my H feel safe. But in order to even be able to tell him, I asked for an opportunity to do so.

 

There have been so many times over the months that I have felt the desire rise up in me to just spill my guts to my H. But I remembered his panicked reaction from the first time...the things he did...the complete loss of control of his own behavior...the fear I had for all of us. And every time we tried to have a discussion, he would hurl things at me until I had nothing left. I felt incapable of speaking the truth to him. I would pray for an opportunity, a safe way of speaking to him. That is why I thought the therapy weekend might be good.

 

That's what I mean. If you have a spouse who desires to tell but the offended spouse does not provide that forum, it may never happen. It's too damn scary. I'm not talking about removing the right to get angry or even walk out and never look back. But just providing 10 or 20 minutes where we can speak and get it all out and I won't be punished for speaking in the moment and he will hear me. And once the truth is on the table, we will take it from there.

 

How is it that his initial reaction scared you so much when you confessed your infidelity but not enough to stop you from restarting your affair with the same POS? All this concern for you your husbands pain and the concern for your children, yet there you are back in the same cheap hotels betraying your family. Please don't tell your husband that you weren't thinking strait specially after your first confession and your no contact. That's not what he wants to hear because your a grown woman with children and a husband, he wants the truth. I wouldn't and most other betrayed men wouldn't give you a second chance if they didn't think they had all the truth. There is no such thing as a two year mistake. Until you can prove to him you deserve a third chance your not going to get one. You better dig real deep and give him the real reason you chose this path.

 

After reading your last sentence on this post is there other truth he doesn't know yet?

Edited September 8, 2015 by aliveagain

[autumnnight]

Not even sure how to answer - devastated...angry...shocked...kind of not shocked. Surreal?

 

I feel like I can't share a lot without being too personal here. There was a lead-up to this conversation that just made it clear it was time. I asked him if I could please tell him some things that may be hard.

 

If there is one thing I could suggest to BS...give your WS an opportunity, a "safe" zone to really talk. It may feel irritating to you, like you shouldn't have to bend over backwards to do anything for these "cheaters." And you don't. You don't have to do anything. But I WANTED to tell my H. Yet I didn't feel like I could. I finally begged him...it was when I felt safe that I told him. I guess the prerequisite is having a shred of remorse.

 

If I get beat up here for saying that...so be it.

 

I think I know what you mean. You mean safe to be able to get it all out without the screaming and yelling starting mid-sentence. Safe to answer any questions without feeling like you have to protect you head from blows (literally or figuratively). Does that sound unfair? Maybe. But most people, when they have a shameful truth to tell, are terrified. Like it or not, you can't have it both ways. You want to hear it all? You have to hold back the venom and shots so that they can continue to open up. You want to scream and throw things every time they talk? Don't expect them to talk much.

 

That isn't fair. It IS reality.

[TX-SC]

I certainly understand your position here. You were obviously scared for your well being. You know that what you did was wrong, so no need to beat you up over it. Here is my advice...

 

Explain to your husband that you know WHY you went back and did it again. Explain that you were weak and made ANOTHER mistake. Most importantly, explain that you are no longer weak and you want HIM and HIM ONLY. Then get both of you into IC and get yourselves fixed. BTW, your husband freaking out is totally normal. His whole marriage has been a lie and he has been emasculated by your actions. Cut him a little slack.

[Redbird Fly]

[/b]

 

How is it that his initial reaction scared you so much when you confessed your infidelity but not enough to stop you from restarting your affair with the same POS? All this concern for you your husbands pain and the concern for your children, yet there you are back in the same cheap hotels betraying your family. Please don't tell your husband that you weren't thinking strait specially after your first confession and your no contact. That's not what he wants to hear because your a grown woman with children and a husband, he wants the truth. I wouldn't and most other betrayed men wouldn't give you a second chance if they didn't think they had all the truth. There is no such thing as a two year mistake. Until you can prove to him you deserve a third chance your not going to get one. You better dig real deep and give him the real reason you chose this path.

 

After reading your last sentence on this post is there other truth he doesn't know yet?

 

I have answered your questions throughout this thread but I will try again.

 

First, I was not making decisions using logic. Have you ever done that before? Made decisions without really thinking them through? On irrational emotions?

 

Secondly, when I went back, it was after the initial trauma had died down and I had sunk into a deep depression. MMs words were like a warm blanket to me after the pain of the ordeal. Was it right? No way. It just looked like a welcome break from the bed of thorns I had at home (of my own creation).

 

I am not excusing what I did. It's just what happened and I have to deal with it differently this time if my husband wants to.

 

As to your last question - no, I told him everything.

[Marc878]

Redbird

 

Your story is painfull to read. You don't owe anyone here any explanations but thanks for sharing.

 

I hope it's helpful to you and maybe others down the road.

 

I hope it all works out in the end for you both.

[m.snow]

you need counseling asap.

your admission was a very strong step.

you having affair twice is bad.

but you admitted it, and that's a huge step forward.

hopefully the counselor can help you with your bh.

by admitting you can start the process of healing.

 

if you really love your bh. if you really love this person. you would not fear the unknown. if by chance he would leave you or cheat on you.

 

by any chance would you be willing to sign a post nup?