Boss (re)hired my stalker

[applej4]

SW, You're making it more complicated that it needs to be. Simple: people who are harassed and stalked and threatened should file a complaint with the police. As far as risk, well, getting out of bed is a risk. If it's a risk to file a police report, it would be a risk to tell the "Advisor" and another risk to ask for a meeting. The purpose of that meeting, at this late date, eludes me.

[Sweet Workaholic]

SW, You're making it more complicated that it needs to be. Simple: people who are harassed and stalked and threatened should file a complaint with the police. As far as risk, well, getting out of bed is a risk. If it's a risk to file a police report, it would be a risk to tell the "Advisor" and another risk to ask for a meeting. The purpose of that meeting, at this late date, eludes me.

 

I do tend to see things in a very complex way lol

 

We don't entirely agree but it certainly could be myself that is wrong about this - it wouldn't be the first time I've been wrong. Or even the second :-)

 

I hope we agree that whether the OP should or should not have filed a report originally, being stalked is not something one plans for, or deserves, and failing to file a report would be at worst an error, not a misdeed. We still hope she doesn't have to work down the hall from someone who has stalked her in the past.

 

I'll be happier (at least I hope so) when we hear about the meeting with ombudsman etc.

[applej4]

I do tend to see things in a very complex way lol

 

We don't entirely agree but it certainly could be myself that is wrong about this - it wouldn't be the first time I've been wrong. Or even the second :-)

 

I hope we agree that whether the OP should or should not have filed a report originally, being stalked is not something one plans for, or deserves, and failing to file a report would be at worst an error, not a misdeed. We still hope she doesn't have to work down the hall from someone who has stalked her in the past.

 

I'll be happier (at least I hope so) when we hear about the meeting with ombudsman etc.

 

SW, you keep veering off in various directions. I did not say anyone deserves to be stalked – having been a stalking victim myself I would not state or imply such a thing. But no,I do NOT think OP failing to go to the police is “just an error”. She has not been pro-active in deterring or stopping the guy. Did she call security or even a supervisor when he appeared at her place of employment – more than once? No, not that I saw. The guy committed numerous crimes over the course of several months – she HAS to know his behavior was criminal. Talking to a therapist and an advisor (whoopty-de-dooo …both of whom are incompetent)? WTF good does THAT do? What does that accomplish? Nothing. The only thing she has done is come to an internet message board to talk about scheduling a pointless meeting. Makes no sense.

[AMusing]

To start, I am blown away by all the advice and support I've gotten from this post. I sincerely thank you for that.

 

My meeting with the ombudsman ultimately didn't go anywhere. After talking to me to make sure I felt I was physically safe for the next few days & making sure I was not planning on going to the lab meeting, she forwarded me to the student intervention services. They haven't gotten back to me.

 

My primary adviser talked to my secondary adviser this afternoon. She (the secondary) claims that she just didn't think about how it would affect me when she hired him again. She apologized via email to me, said she needs to think about what to do to make sure I do not have to cross paths with this guy again, but that she would take this seriously. I'm less than overwhelmed by her reaction. She's asked to speak with me when I feel comfortable. I haven't responded to her email, but I am still hopeful this can be settled calmly.

 

Workaholic, your response/link explains ~60% of why I didn't file a restraining order. The therapist was afraid it (i.e. the RO) would escalate the situation, and her team agreed that it wouldn't help anything. I had already called the police when he was outside my house, but by the time the police got there he was always long long gone. I didn't have any faith that a restraining order would help me, since their response time was so abysmal. The therapists and my advisers both thought that having a male with seniority talk to him would be the most likely to get him to stop his behavior without triggering an escalation. And I think they were right; he stopped his stalking behaviors essentially right after the meeting, whereas anything else I did (including calling the police) consistently escalated it.

 

The other 40% was that I was a young, scared, empathetic girl. People who (I thought) knew best told me not to file a RO. I had my secondary adviser feeling sorry for this guy (he had family issues that were causing him a great deal of stress) and asking that I not "ruin his life." Part of me felt sorry for him myself. He was mentally unstable and breaking from pressure, and I hoped if I just kept away from him the best I could, he would eventually go away without lasting damage to his life. I was also afraid of the gossip and nastiness that would come out of making this completely public. My department is not wildly supportive on the best of days, and I didn't want a bullseye on my back for getting a reasonably popular older student in trouble.

 

If it happened today, I would take much stronger action. And if he makes any contact with me now, I will. But what I chose to do in the past is done. As for now, I'm not looking for lawsuits or legal actions. The only thing I really care about is making it through the next couple months as smoothly as possible without dreading coming to campus.

 

applej4, of course I bloody told him to stop. I told him to stop for months. I blocked his numbers, and he'd call from different lines. I called the police when I saw him at my house. I had shuttle security walk me to my car. I was not ambiguous about wanting him to stop. You're right, I didn't cry out for help when he pushed his way into my office. Right or wrong, logical or not, I was more afraid of drawing that much attention to the situation than I was to have him berate and verbally abuse me.

[applej4]

OP, I never said anything about a restraining order. I've simply pointed out that you never made a complaint with the police, i.e. filed a report about him harassing, threatening, stalking you. As I suspected, your meeting was a waste of time. If any action is taken against your alleged stalker at this late stage, he might be the one who has a good reason to hire a lawyer.

[Sweet Workaholic]

Your department/ institution's response is a bit lame but not too surprising, unfortunately.

 

I think you are managing things well. Not being in a hurry to answer the email is a good strategy. "Less than overwhelmed" is good ... this woman is obviously a nit. Hiring someone you had called the police on .... gee, why would that bother anybody?

 

Please keep us up to date. It obviously isn't going to work out perfectly but hopefully you can finish your degree and get the heck out of town without any total nightmare situations.

[Gloria25]

Thing is, people - even law enforcement - don't take stalking that seriously until someone gets hurt and/or killed.

 

I mean, even the laws don't give the cops and people much to work with.

 

So the faculty may just see this as a lover's quarrel and maybe he has skills/knowledge that they need - so, they just hire him back.

 

Also, who knows if he threatened them with a wrongful termination suit. Cuz again, proving stalking ("if" you have the law on your side where you reside) is hard to prove at times.

 

Sorry, sucks, I know....

[applej4]

Thing is, people - even law enforcement - don't take stalking that seriously until someone gets hurt and/or killed.

 

I mean, even the laws don't give the cops and people much to work with.

 

So the faculty may just see this as a lover's quarrel and maybe he has skills/knowledge that they need - so, they just hire him back.

 

Also, who knows if he threatened them with a wrongful termination suit. Cuz again, proving stalking ("if" you have the law on your side where you reside) is hard to prove at times.

 

Sorry, sucks, I know....

 

 

A person needs to be vigilant and pro-active, especially when it comes to stalkers. They need to document dates, times, locations, witnesses and any other pertinent information. Yes, the stalking laws need to be improved, but you can’t make a sweeping generalization about the police not taking her seriously when the fact is she never reported the incidences (and there were many) – the exception was when OP said she called the police when stalker was at her door, but (according to OP) there was a long history of harassment, threats, and stalking before that. Not wanting to make a scene is not a good excuse. in fact it sounds silly.

 

I had a stalker problem for years. There were no threats or appearances at my residence, but he was very clever. Circling the block, a few phone calls after I told him to stop. I made two police reports over the course of several years, which may not sound like much but I documented EVERY incident, EVERY sighting. A couple of years went by and I thought it was over. Then he started showing up at stores where I shopped, and following me as I walked down the street. I talked to the manager of a large chain grocery store, and they kept surveillance tapes of everything that goes on in the store and parking lot. They keep the tapes for 30 days. I made another police report, and this time they visited him at his home and had a talk with him. I haven’t had a problem with him since, but I remain vigilant.

[AMusing]

I met with my advisers yesterday. I think my secondary adviser is genuinely just a nit. Her old student (i.e. the stalker) needed a job to stay in the country. He begged her to hire him, and she can't say no to anybody. Anyway, she was very apologetic and very eager to resolve the issue. Before meeting with me, she arranged to have this guy work in a different building for the rest of the time I'm here. She also had him stay home until she could talk to me and make sure that was an ok compromise for me. I told her that sounded very fair, and I hoped this would be the end of everything, but that that if any harassment/stalking began again, I would be going to the police.

 

On a happy note, I was offered a job yesterday, which means I'll be moving even sooner than expected (weeks instead of months, coming back only to defend). Wooooo!

 

applej4, I'm not sure what point you're trying to make in your posts. I've already said I wasn't interested pursuing legal ramifications; recall in my original post I merely asked if I should keep quiet or talk to/confront my adviser. As for calling the police 3 years ago, I never said I only called once. I also never said I didn't document everything. I'm a scientist; documentation is what we do. That said, I'm not sure why you're hung up on critiquing my choices from three years ago. If you want, everyone will agree you handled your stalking situation much better than I did. Congratulations! But, having skimmed over your post regarding your situation, I notice that you say you were in your late 30s and your stalker was essentially a stranger. I was in my 20s working in a position that makes you feel like a minnow in a fishbowl, and my stalker was an extremely close friend before all this happened. The emotional entanglement in our situations--and our emotional ability to handle those situations--was very different. Would I handle things differently now? Sure. But, it's not like I can go back and be a stronger, more rational, braver, or more demanding person.

[d0nnivain]

Amusing

 

 

Congrats on the job. Assuming the stalker stays in his building & away from you, can you handle the few weeks you have left? If so, do that. Send some sort of writing outlining everything including that they agreed to keep him away from you to your secondary advisor, copy to the primary advisor & ombudsman. Just so you have a record. Hopefully stalker will stay the heck away from you & his inappropriate behavior was some cultural social awkward BS rather than a true intent to harm.

 

 

However if he steps even slightly out of line, call the police & send your account to the big dean. Also consider getting a lawyer.

[applej4]

But, having skimmed over your post regarding your situation, I notice that you say you were in your late 30s and your stalker was essentially a stranger. I was in my 20s working in a position that makes you feel like a minnow in a fishbowl, and my stalker was an extremely close friend before all this happened.

AMusing, you need to improve your skimming/reading skills. Easy to see why you’re missing the point of my posts. Can you show me where I said I was in my 30s? Never mind, because you can’t. I never said that. I’m not in my early 60s and the stalking started when I was in my late 40s. The visit to his house occurred a couple years ago. I see no relevance to age – mine or yours. I also never said my stalker was a stranger, because he was NOT. I don't know why you're getting an attitude (most likely because I'm not one of the people telling you what you want to hear), but since you got a new job and you’re moving in a few weeks, problem solved!

[applej4]

Amusing

 

 

Congrats on the job. Assuming the stalker stays in his building & away from you, can you handle the few weeks you have left? If so, do that. Send some sort of writing outlining everything including that they agreed to keep him away from you to your secondary advisor, copy to the primary advisor & ombudsman. Just so you have a record. Hopefully stalker will stay the heck away from you & his inappropriate behavior was some cultural social awkward BS rather than a true intent to harm.

 

 

However if he steps even slightly out of line, call the police & send your account to the big dean. Also consider getting a lawyer.

 

Getting a lawyer for WHAT?

[applej4]

typo

I’m not in my early 60s

meant to say I am in my early 60s(certainly not my 30s!)

[AMusing]

Congrats on the job. Assuming the stalker stays in his building & away from you, can you handle the few weeks you have left?

 

Thanks. And yes, I can totally deal with this arrangement. I just want to leave in peace. I've documented what my adviser said & sent it to the ombudsman. Fingers thoroughly crossed this is the end of the saga.

 

Can you show me where I said I was in my 30s?

 

I got the information from your very first post, on March 21, 2013. You say:

 

It started in 1996. I was in my late 30s.

 

So, going by your post, you met your stalker in your late 30s, then things got progressively worse of the course of many years. Ok, so he wasn't stalking you (or you didn't realize it) until 2 years after you met, which could put you as old as 41 when the stalking started. My apologies, that is worlds away from being in your late 30's. And if you were older than that, it only makes my point stronger. Anyway, in that same post, you wrote that you only went on one date with this guy, and you also wrote that you didn't know him beforehand except for seeing him in stores and on the street. After one date, yeah, I would consider that man essentially a stranger still.

 

Your situation was very different than mine, and using this thread to scold me for what I didn't do right back then is unhelpful. I've said all along that even now--just 3 years later--I would handle things differently. So why are you beating this horse? It's been dead for a while.

[d0nnivain]

Getting a lawyer for WHAT?

 

 

If her stalker bothers her in the next few weeks she has left at this job, after the employer did a lame job of protecting her a lawyer may better be able to help her either get money damages if those are appropriate or get relocated without loss of status.

[Sweet Workaholic]

AMusing, it sounds to me like you handled the situation 3 years ago quite well. You got professional advice and you followed it, and what you did worked - he left you alone and has continued to leave you alone

 

Applej4, you've made it clear (repeatedly) that you feel AMusing handled it poorly, and I respect that very valid opinion. I think she did quite well, and I hope you respect my opinion too.

 

It does seem that the OP is mainly looking for advice (and possibly a little kindness & support) in her *current* situation.

 

As far as current events are concerned, I'm delighted to hear you have a job offer. Although it would obviously be ideal to have this guy thousands of miles from you, another building is a good start. His immigration situation is good for you - presumably he'd be crazy to do anything that puts his job at risk.

 

Please keep us updated if there are developments. I'm sorry you had to deal with this but it sounds like (hopefully) it will work out.

[Taramere]

I do tend to see things in a very complex way lol

 

Employment law is complex...so that's probably just as well, and it certainly has resulted in you giving some of the best and most constructive advice on this thread.