Money & Control -

[isthislove35]

After being annoyed and frustrated tonight ... My patience snapped and his behavior was exactly as you described.

 

I discovered tonight by accident on FB (girl tried to friend me) that he dated a 20 year old before meeting me. He was 47 at the time. He had told me that the girl's dad asked him to be like a mentor to her since she was partying too much. He said... Months ago that he was her friend and guidance counselor essentially. That was his story when we ran into her at the gym.

 

Well tonight on FB she tried to friend me and I looked at her page and saw posts from right before he met me... That put him with her at dance clubs around the city... And steakhouses.

 

I immediately talked to him because he told me he had befriended other 20 year old girls before meeting me... Just to be "friends". He said they came on to him and he just was "friendly".

 

As soon as I showed him this and told him his mentor description was not quite on par... He started accusing me of picking a fight because I was probably feeling guilty about cheating on him or talking to someone behind his back. I said no!!!!! I'm feeling very insecure and weird that my husband was dating 20 year olds just a month before meeting me. I'm 40.

 

He said no... I am clearly cheating or trying to hide something because I am digging up stuff to make drama. Then he started in about how he felt fat, and it is probably reason I trying to find someone else!

 

The fight was awful and he ended it by telling me that he is not going to play my game and that I am causing all of this drama w my ridiculous behavior and that he feels I may be unstable and need medication. He also feels I might be planning to cheat or leave because he doesn't have the millions that my clients do. I was sobbing telling him I loved him and that is not true!

[TaraMaiden2]

If you love him, after all that he is doing, your affections are sadly misplaced, and it's a sign of how he is gradually eroding every ounce of common sense you have.

 

I know from personal experience that your love is actually a debilitated dependency.

You THINK you love him: But his manipulation of your affections has warped your view, and it's not love.

It's fear.

Fear that he will worsen if you make any move to contradict him or go against his wishes.

So you reassure him in ways you hope will pacify him; all you are doing is elevating his position and confirming that he can do whatever he wants with you. You will accept it.

He keeps moving the goalposts to more and more extreme positions, and you are bending over backwards to keep him on an even keel.

 

This is destroying you.

This isn't 'love'.

It's murder.

[isthislove35]

I am doing everything you say... Yes. I am doing everything and I avoid most opportunities to voice concern because I know how he will react w anger.

 

The more I think about him w college age girls (even introducing them to his kids he says!) the more weirded out I get! He's 49 and was 47 then! And still maintains he didn't date them he was just their friend...and took them out .. Dancing .. To keep them safe and talk to them about his professional success...????

 

 

He says that my concern over that is just my own manufactured drama and a way to cope with my own desires to cheat!!! I am not cheating...!!

 

And then tells me that this argument is not good for his health and its why he is getting fat. That my drama is causing him so much stress.

 

How do I get out of this???

[TaraMaiden2]

I am doing everything you say... Yes. I am doing everything and I avoid most opportunities to voice concern because I know how he will react w anger.

......

How do I get out of this???

Are you genuinely asking?

Do you really want to get out of this?

 

make immediate moves to safeguard your finances, then from the bank, go to a lawyer and organise a divorce based on the grounds of his totally unreasonable behaviour.

 

Then, grab whatever you can, that you need, and move out.

That's how you get out of this.

[isthislove35]

I see a lot of it as if I'm looking from the outside window... In. I can tell there's control and manipulation but I don't know why I am so numb to the voice .."you need to leave..."

 

I have given up almost all my friends, my previous career (which isn't all bad), my family ( they don't approve of this marriage due to the control and other religious beliefs).

 

At the end of the day... I have almost nothing else left in my life. My husband and I ... As I say... Are typically inseparable. And he gets very nervous or accusatory even when I go on client calls ... Particularly when men are involved.

 

I need to get this all through my brain! This is eating away at my own identity b

[elaine567]

I have been giving up biz to please him and his emotional needs.

 

DO NOT do this any longer.

 

This man is unstable, protect yourself, your business and your income, because when the brown stuff hits the fan that is all you will have to pay off the huge debts I am guessing he has amassed here.

 

Get your website back on track and find and keep as many clients as you can muster and leave his emotional needs to fend for themselves.

Emotional needs will NOT pay the bills.

Investigate that joint bank account at the bank - do not take his word for anything, he cannot be trusted here.

If it is impossible for you to gain access then remove your input totally.

DO it today.

[TaraMaiden2]

I see a lot of it as if I'm looking from the outside window... In. I can tell there's control and manipulation but I don't know why I am so numb to the voice .."you need to leave..."

This is a classic self-protective measure. It's frequently adopted by those who are abused - also physically - as a way of protecting themselves from, frankly, insanity.

It's a way of numbing the pain, the reality of the situation, it's an emotional and psychological detachment, in order to maintain some stability, 'feet on the ground'.

At the rate you are going - and I am absolutely serious about this - it sounds as if you will only finally decide to disengage when you realise your very life is at stake.

I kid you not, I am not over-dramatising this.

But you are subconsciously making yourself emotionally unreachable... you're beginning to build a wall around yourself and detaching from who you are.

 

You MUST read this article: I think so much of it applies to you, it's terrifying. You need to snap out of this detachment ad realsie you are not outside looking in.

This IS happening.

It's VERY real.

And it will slowly totally consume and destroy you.

 

 

 

I have given up almost all my friends, my previous career (which isn't all bad), my family ( they don't approve of this marriage due to the control and other religious beliefs).

 

At the end of the day... I have almost nothing else left in my life. My husband and I ... As I say... Are typically inseparable. And he gets very nervous or accusatory even when I go on client calls ... Particularly when men are involved.

Again, classic abusive behaviour. Isolation, limitation, financial imprisonment....

I need to get this all through my brain! This is eating away at my own identity

Yes, it is.

Pretty soon, you'll be so weakened by his manipulative ways, you won't even have the strength to keep telling us about it, because you will have abandoned all your will, to him.

[fireflywy]

After being annoyed and frustrated tonight ... My patience snapped and his behavior was exactly as you described.

 

I discovered tonight by accident on FB (girl tried to friend me) that he dated a 20 year old before meeting me. He was 47 at the time. He had told me that the girl's dad asked him to be like a mentor to her since she was partying too much. He said... Months ago that he was her friend and guidance counselor essentially. That was his story when we ran into her at the gym.

 

Well tonight on FB she tried to friend me and I looked at her page and saw posts from right before he met me... That put him with her at dance clubs around the city... And steakhouses.

 

I immediately talked to him because he told me he had befriended other 20 year old girls before meeting me... Just to be "friends". He said they came on to him and he just was "friendly".

 

As soon as I showed him this and told him his mentor description was not quite on par... He started accusing me of picking a fight because I was probably feeling guilty about cheating on him or talking to someone behind his back. I said no!!!!! I'm feeling very insecure and weird that my husband was dating 20 year olds just a month before meeting me. I'm 40.

 

He said no... I am clearly cheating or trying to hide something because I am digging up stuff to make drama. Then he started in about how he felt fat, and it is probably reason I trying to find someone else!

Up

The fight was awful and he ended it by telling me that he is not going to play my game and that I am causing all of this drama w my ridiculous behavior and that he feels I may be unstable and need medication. He also feels I might be planning to cheat or leave because he doesn't have the millions that my clients do. I was sobbing telling him I loved him and that is not true!

 

STOP THE PRESSES.

 

You said he saw a woman before MEETING you when he was 47. In one of your other posts you said you've been married for a year (married a year ago in post #1) and that he is now 48 (post #37).

 

Did you marry him after the first date? Lol

 

That's some strange story telling going on. Now the drama is being upped and you have a couple of threads going on.

 

Are you trolling us?

 

If you don't want to be with him, you don't need to justify it or create things (if that's what you're doing. Just leave him if you don't feel it anymore.

Edited August 18, 2015 by fireflywy

[S2B]

I am doing everything you say... Yes. I am doing everything and I avoid most opportunities to voice concern because I know how he will react w anger.

 

The more I think about him w college age girls (even introducing them to his kids he says!) the more weirded out I get! He's 49 and was 47 then! And still maintains he didn't date them he was just their friend...and took them out .. Dancing .. To keep them safe and talk to them about his professional success...????

 

 

He says that my concern over that is just my own manufactured drama and a way to cope with my own desires to cheat!!! I am not cheating...!!

 

And then tells me that this argument is not good for his health and its why he is getting fat. That my drama is causing him so much stress.

 

How do I get out of this???

 

 

You get out by divorcing him.

[autumnnight]

STOP THE PRESSES.

 

You said he saw a woman before MEETING you when he was 47. In one of your other posts you said you've been married for a year (married a year ago in post #1) and that he is now 48 (post #37).

 

Did you marry him after the first date? Lol

 

That's some strange story telling going on. Now the drama is being upped and you have a couple of threads going on.

 

Are you trolling us?

 

If you don't want to be with him, you don't need to justify it or create things (if that's what you're doing. Just leave him if you don't feel it anymore.

 

Good freaking Lord...when people are in crisis they don't always get timelines exactly right. Plus, from the very beginning of one's 47th year to the very end of their 48th is almost 2 years.

 

OP, first of all I'm not going to blame YOU for your H's inexcusable, erratic, horrendous, and quite frankly unstable behavior because that is just ridiculous.

 

I am not an armchair diagnoser, but if ANYONE on a forum has ever had Borderline Personality Disorder, I would bet my favorite shoes it is your H. He is gaslighting and manipulating and intimidating you six ways from Sunday.

 

Please see a lawyer and protect yourself.

[fireflywy]

Good freaking Lord...when people are in crisis they don't always get timelines exactly right. Plus, from the very beginning of one's 47th year to the very end of their 48th is almost 2 years.

 

OP, first of all I'm not going to blame YOU for your H's inexcusable, erratic, horrendous, and quite frankly unstable behavior because that is just ridiculous.

 

I am not an armchair diagnoser, but if ANYONE on a forum has ever had Borderline Personality Disorder, I would bet my favorite shoes it is your H. He is gaslighting and manipulating and intimidating you six ways from Sunday.

 

Please see a lawyer and protect yourself.

 

Had to ask the question. It is valid. That is a very short dating window IMO and it should be considered in that perhaps she didn't really know the REAL him. She can also use it to consider that maybe, maybe, things are so difficult for her to move one way or the other because she may be in the infatuation stage (or whatever we call it now) and as noted in her other posts about their relationship.

 

And no, if he is as she says he is, then she needs to protect herself and probably leave.

Edited August 18, 2015 by fireflywy

[CarrieT]

As soon as I showed him this and told him his mentor description was not quite on par... He started accusing me of picking a fight because I was probably feeling guilty about cheating on him or talking to someone behind his back. I said no!!!!! I'm feeling very insecure and weird that my husband was dating 20 year olds just a month before meeting me. I'm 40.

 

This is classic projective behavior of someone who is guilty of doing exactly what they accuse the other of...

 

My suspicion level just notched up a bit. He is feeling insecure and this 20-something is trying to friend you? I'm willing to bet he has kept her on the side "as a friend" but might want to tap that on occasion to boost his ego.

[d0nnivain]

This is not a healthy marriage. It's more like a prison & your jailer husband is a bully.

 

 

With all his debt, he has no idea how to manage money. With his previous income good financial planning would have left him in a place where he didn't need to borrow for your e-ring & the wedding. It would give him insight into riding this financial storm now.

 

 

Instead money makes him crazy because it's not well managed. He's screwed up his financial future & is now wrecking yours.

 

 

For him to even express an opinion about how you interact with a client in your business is ludicrous. It's also a HUGE red flag.

 

 

If you have any hope of saving this relationship, you will need professional help & he will have to start treating you like a competent adult who can make her own decisions. I highly doubt he will do that.

 

 

The longer you let him isolate you & drain all your resources the tougher it will be for you to get out & be solvent when you do.

 

 

You need help now. Don't wait.

[elaine567]

This is classic projective behavior of someone who is guilty of doing exactly what they accuse the other of...

 

My suspicion level just notched up a bit. He is feeling insecure and this 20-something is trying to friend you? I'm willing to bet he has kept her on the side "as a friend" but might want to tap that on occasion to boost his ego.

 

This is also the guy sitting and lapping up the stories of the OP's friend, about threesomes, oral and her Brazilian wax... #1

[S2B]

Even IF you separate money you still have the issue of him controlling you.

 

He's trying to isolate you and keep you from outside influences because he knows he's treating you terribly.

 

That inner voice is saying RUN! Listen to it and take action before it's too late to get out.

 

 

I'd bet money this is what ended his prior marriages.

[xxoo]

It has even gotten to the point he wants to put his name on my company incorporation. He says that's necessary because he doesn't want my ex coming back and asking for child support or alimony or something. He says he wants me to hide all my income by going through his business.

 

Should you be paying child support?

 

Don't let this man deny your children what they deserve

[elaine567]

I'd bet money this is what ended his prior marriages.

 

So would I.

[BlueIris]

Should you be paying child support?

 

Don't let this man deny your children what they deserve

 

^^ yes. Your husband’s scheme to avoid child support is a quick and easy way to incur the wrath of the court. How often are your children with you?

 

If you permit him to take control of your business and income, you will not be able to support your children. A court won’t be sympathetic or make allowance for that. It will just impute your level of income to you and your obligations will continue- or, you’ll be sanctioned for committing fraud upon the court. Your husband is no dreamboat. He sounds like an idiot on top of everything else.

[CarrieT]

This is also the guy sitting and lapping up the stories of the OP's friend, about threesomes, oral and her Brazilian wax... #1

 

Oh, Jeezus... I hadn't realized that.

 

Yep - the writing is on the wall with this one.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Why have you turned all your money over to him? Just get your own bank account and put your own income into it and save for your own taxes!!! That seems so simple??! :confused: If he doesn't like it he can just be mad you say you are fighting all the time about this so what is the difference?? I can't understand though why you chose to set up YOUR finances this way I mean, if you made no money of your own it would be a little more of a problem. Fix this!!! :bunny:

[Rejected Rosebud]

Here's an example..Recently we were out of town...staying in a hotel. We had been out for a few drinks and dancing. We had fun. We came back around 1am and the hotel room had m and m's...I grabbed them. He asked if I would rather go for pizza downstairs? I said sure...I didn't care and I figured that's what he wanted....He got mad and said "why didn't you just say you wanted pizza?" I said...I don't...really. I don't care. Just want something to nibble on.... and he went ballistic. He said...we need a therapist because he can't talk to me...that I never just say what I want ...that I just went along with what he said for food...

 

I was stunned. I figured he was just a little drunk and acting nuts. So I gave him a hug and said....let's not ruin a good night...why argue? I could care less what I eat...and i tried to kiss him...he pushed me off and said that he couldn't believe that I was acting that way.... he said "we need to talk to someone..because you need help...."

Why do you choose to be in a relationship like this, why do you participate in this, maybe you do need to go to a therapist. I don't understand why you are doing this stuff?? You are a grownup you can do as you wish!!

[sandylee1]

Reading your recent posts has made me really worry for you.

 

I'd suggest sitting down and doing a budget with him, but he has more problems than that. I don't know if the financial issues are causing him to be like this or if he's naturally controlling and mentally abusive.

 

From what you say your H is :

 

Jealous of your business success and growth potential

Trying to use your business to bail him out

Trying to drag you down and make his debt yours.

He wants to merge things to the point that you become jointly liable for his debt if/when this marriage ends

 

Please reconnect with friends if you can and don't become isolated. You shouldn't have a H that you're in fear of.

 

Men like this become more controlling when you have no family or friends close to you. So you don't have people to reach out to easily.

 

I suggest you keep a journal and don't leave it where he can find. Or consider IC and share these things with your counsellor.

 

The worst thing you can do let him be any part of your business and DO NOT stop making connections for new business. You know you aren't doing anything wrong. So he can trawl through your phone and emails all he likes, there won't be anything for him to find.

 

Be strong and don't let him bully you.

[Ms. Faust]

Thanks for your insight. I can tell you that I am very stressed out over this and him in general.

 

Tonight he saw me emailing one of my male clients and he was not happy. He said he was concerned that I might be too friendly and flirtatious. I have repeatedly told him I would never! He said... Well you might want to be too nice and that's so misleading etc. he started looking through my phone and texts because of it.

 

As for taxes... We've done nothing. I know he hasn't contacted his accountant yet and he's already 15k behind in property taxes.

 

His line of credit is 22 percent interest and he has perfect credit! I suggested that he get a zero interest special on his credit cards.

 

Bottom line. He's possibly losing his biz contract next year. He (we)owes 15k in debt. He has stopped all retirement deposits. He has stopped all of my payments for debt to lawyer and only paying essentials.

 

All this while talking about booking a cruise... Eating out at every meal... And buying 250 dollar jeans at least once a month among other things... And suggesting we travel out of town next weekend (which I stopped).

 

I know I'm not perfect. I have a lot of my own issues. But sometimes I feel like the only adult here. We shouldn't be spending all this money on anything!

 

I suggested we sell the house and use the 100k to catch up and get ourselves back to comfortable. He freaked out and said I had some nerve ... It's HIS house etc etc.

 

15 k in debt is nothing. He should have that in a liquid account alone, especially someone in his income bracket. It is certainly not a good excuse to stop contributing to a retirement account.

 

What is his *total* debt, minus the mortgage? I imagine it is more than 15k... And I'm sorry, if they are giving him 22% interest then his credit is not perfect. I suspect very high DTI.

[OldRover]

After reading this thread, this whole thing is an absolute financial disaster.

 

There is NO WAY to stay with a guy like this, regardless of his income. He has absolutely no control over money, had no clue how to behave and is a total dick.

 

Dump him NOW.

[sandylee1]

OP

 

How are you doing ? I hope you're reading everything and seriously considering how best to protect yourself.

 

If you can reconnect with your family, please do so. You need to find a way to put money aside for your taxes and start up the lawyer payments that he's stopped.

 

Please find a counsellor. He's tried to say you need help, but you only need help to get away from him regain control of your finances.

 

I hope when you post here, you do so securely and he doesn't find out, or that would not go down too well. Browse incognito when on this site.

 

Please take care