Telling on a cheater. Is it the right thing to do?

[Limbo30]

But he is bringing the gf in to the social circle and parading her publicly, that is why it is becoming increasingly awkward here for all concerned.

If it was a dark secret shared between best friends then I would say, just keep it under your hat, but the open secret that it is, doesn't sit well with me. The wife needs to know and soon.

 

Exactly Elaine567. That is exactly the issue that put things over the edge.

[Popsicle]

It really just depends on how much the wife loves her husband, which you don't know and can't tell right now in the midst of her quest to "find out the truth", nor will you be able to tell in the midst of her anger after finding out. She still may stay with him in the end and then he'll hate you and not want you around them anymore, and then you'll become her secret friend (if that! you might just be flat out ostracized) that she complains to about him, but nothing at all between them will change. They will stay together.

[Popsicle]

@Popsicle it's been almost 5 months that I know about this affair and really struggled for half that time of how to handle it. Not taking sides. Staying away. But because of a mutual social circle I run into all parties (MM,MW,OW) every other day. It's just intensified lately as I'm being confided in and also the arrogant way that the MM brags about it really doesn't sit well with me. Mistakes or love or mental issues I can take but when someone is arrogant about the way he is hurting everyone involved is what really got me going. It's hard to have sympathy in that kind of situation.

 

You could always threaten him and tell him that you don't want to hear about it anymore. That it's making you want to tell his wife. He will stop talking about it with you so fast, it'll make your head spin.

[Limbo30]

Popsicle I think that she can make her own choice about what she does with the information. I will probably do this anonymously and not get involved any further. I am not afraid for myself even if they find out. if they stay together that is great, they have a child after all...but her not knowing about what is going on is not right in my opinion. At the very least she should be able to do the same thing if it is agreed upon.

[carhill]

OP, my strategy, if choosing to 'tell', would be to accept that, once concluded, I'd expect any friendship with the couple to end, then I'd gather verifiable evidence and present it to the betrayed party. Not words, not hearsay, but independently verifiable evidence. I'd express my regrets and invite them to contact me if they wished, then leave it at that.

[Limbo30]

@Popsicle can I ask you why are you so protective of the cheating spouse?

[SoleMate]

If you tell, I'd keep in mind that your own role would be: witness. NOT investigator, advocate, therapist, psychological adviser, legal counselor, prosecutor, judge, or jury. Something like this: "I saw Rodney last night at the club. He had his arm around a woman whom he introduced as his girlfriend. They were smooching it up quite a bit. Surprised me, thought I'd let you know." Then STOP. You've done all you need to do.

 

I would NOT advise any independent investigation, or even sharing of rumors or chitchat. Just facts that you know firsthand.

Edited August 16, 2015 by SoleMate

[Popsicle]

@Popsicle can I ask you why are you so protective of the cheating spouse?

 

I'm not. I'm protecting you.

[elaine567]

I'd gather verifiable evidence and present it to the betrayed party. Not words, not hearsay, but independently verifiable evidence. I'd express my regrets and invite them to contact me if they wished, then leave it at that.

 

Yes verifiable evidence is needed here. The OP's friend is going to deny deny deny and he is going to malign the OP too - he always fancied my wife, he is making stuff up here, he was always jealous of me and what I have... Don't believe him, he is bitter and obviously twisted.

I was only joking about her being my gf, she is just a very good friend of mine, etc, etc...

The OP needs to defend his position here, and verifiable evidence does that.

[Limbo30]

Yes verifiable evidence is needed here. The OP's friend is going to deny deny deny and he is going to malign the OP too - he always fancied my wife, he is making stuff up here, he was always jealous of me and what I have... Don't believe him, he is bitter and obviously twisted.

I was only joking about her being my gf, she is just a very good friend of mine, etc, etc...

The OP needs to defend his position here, and verifiable evidence does that.

 

I wish I had that. But I don't. There are many pictures on social media of them together. I think that is why the wife is suspicious as well. But it'd be kind of hard for me to snap pictures of them when they are kissing.

 

I'll have to go with the no evidence route and let her decide if she'll dig deeper or not. I have no choice.

[carhill]

Reflecting on the aspects of evidence, there is context as well...

 

I offer this photograph

 

To the casual observer, this seems like a quite passionate kiss. Note the embrace and the man's hand near the woman's breast. I could be worried about this if I were that woman's husband.

 

In reality, that was Mel Torme kissing Janet Leigh on the night of her wedding to Tony Curtis at the wedding party.

 

Not only is evidence important, but its context as well.

 

OP, something to consider would be, if you were married, how would you want to be told that your spouse was being unfaithful, presuming similar circumstances (apparent past infidelities and gaslighting)? Would you want to know?

 

This is an area where the kind of friendship and gender of the parties is important IMO. Men tend to be a bit more wary because our male friendships are more arm's length because we compete with each other and may tend to be suspicious of a male friend's motives. From reading your OP, and nothing else, you come across to me as a man, so this would be an instance of a man telling a woman her husband is cheating. Tricky.

[Ruffian1]

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men (and women) to do nothing.

Edmund Burke

 

 

Back to the original question of this post:

 

 

Would you want to know if you were the one being cheated on?

[jen1447]

Would you like to know if you were in her shoes?

Yes. But that doesn't properly address or answer the question should you tell?

[Ruffian1]

Yes. But that doesn't properly address or answer the question should you tell?

 

 

 

 

Ahh, yeah, actually it does answer the question.

 

 

Should you tell a BS?

 

 

Yes, they want to know. . . . and because I still haven't read on here of anyone who would not want to know. Unless I missed it.

 

 

No one ever said doing the right thing would always be easy.

Edited August 16, 2015 by Ruffian1

[jen1447]

A BS wanting to know doesn't automatically equal an obligation or an entitlement for an informed party to tell, no. Situations are varied and each deserves to be evaluated individually.

 

I'd prefer to discuss that with the OP tho, if she's interested at all. This thread's not here for us to have a philosophical debate.

[Trishern]

Sandylee1 agreed but I wonder if she'll believe it. I have no proof except the confirmation from him and our entire social circle knowing about the affair.

I like the anonymous idea though.

 

Try and list places they've been seen together and name a few people including yourself (so as not to cause suspicion) that know about the affair. tell her it's common knowledge.

 

 

Don't say anything to identify yourself.

 

 

If it was you wouldn't you want to know? I certainly would.

 

 

I'm not so sure how far along her pregnancy is, but if my BF/H was cheating, I might decide to terminate that pregnancy. She's being denied the chance to make informed choices.

 

 

The people here who say 'don't tell' are usually those who have cheated or have been the OM or OW - so make of that what you will.

 

 

It's the decent thing to do, forget the talk of it being none of your business. It's his GF's business so let her know. He could have given her an STD that affects the unborn child.

 

 

Mrs. T

[sandylee1]

Years ago I was with a guy and one of his housemates told the GF (my friend) of another housemate/friend that he was cheating on her. He said he could not bear to see his friend bringing other girls back to the house and meanwhile he was engaged to my friend, who he'd become friends with through seeing her at the house.

 

I totally respect him for that and I split up with my BF over 20 years ago, but I'm still friendly with him.

 

My friend would have married this cheat and been even more heartbroken when he dumped her.

 

Let the GF know and tell her she can hire a PI if she wants proof. You can tell her with anonymity.

 

If she knew about it 5 or 6 months ago, she could have left him and not got pregnant. It's deception and you shouldn't be a part of it.

 

Let us know what happens if you can.

[salparadise]

salparadise I appreciate your opinion. I'm trying to figure this out. And if I were in the same situation I would want to know that I have a friend that respects and cares about me enough to at least feel guilt over not telling or find the guts to do something about it. I'm trying to figure out what the right thing is here. It's a process... definitely not easy...have you been in this situation before? Just curious.

 

Yes I understand that you would want to know. It doesn't change my opinion and it's not a valid test for the tell/no tell problem. I don't have experience identical to this, but have enough life experience to know that I can't be the arbiter of morality for anyone but myself... and my nose should stay the hell out of other people's messy business.

 

Knowing is a burden that he should not have put upon you, but the guy is your friend and he told you in confidence. If you betray friends based on your moral judgements, well, that's a self correcting thing isn't it.

 

You said in a subsequent post that she already suspects. Telling her would only increase her suspicion somewhat––your [telling] will not constitute unequivocal proof of anything. Stepping back, not forward, is the way to handle this.

Edited August 17, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content and civility and respect

[mrs rubble]

minimariah, thank you for your input. I am a bit worried about him getting violent on me if I reveal the truth to her to be honest.

Also she is suspicious. That is also one reason why I struggle with telling her or not. She's trying to figure it out but no one is on her side on this one...no one steps up (me included) makes me feel like such a **** friend.

Ummm, why do you want to be friends at all with a violent, unfaithful moron like this guy anyway???

 

I'd be tempted to "slip up" in his and the wife's presence, "accidently" call her by OW's name, or "accidently" refer to OW. in your positon.

[Limbo30]

I am pretty sure she wouldn't leave him. Like 99% sure. She's pregnant, has another kid with him, and doesn't have another source of income.

However, knowing might push the cheater to end the affair and also alert the wife to maybe becoming a bit more independent if she knows she's with someone that is willing to cheat on her. What if one of his affairs turns serious and she's left without anything at the end. This is one big reason why I think I should tell. So she's not in complete darkness. Know who she's dealing with.

 

It's really hard for me to guess the outcome.

[Ruffian1]

A BS wanting to know doesn't automaticallyequal an obligation or an entitlement for an informed party to tell, no.Situations are varied and each deserves to be evaluated individually.

 

I'd prefer to discuss that with the OP tho, if she's interested at all. Thisthread's not here for us to have a philosophical debate.

Don't know about you, but if one of my friends knew this was going on and didn't inform me, I would feel betrayed by them too. It is pretty simple, you are her friend and you knew but did nothing.

Of course each situation is varied, common sense there, basic core of the question is still there.

As far as this turning into a "philosophical debate", try reading my second post in this thread where I tried to steer it back to OP original query:

"Back to the original question of this post:

 

 

Would you want to know if you were the one being cheated on?

OP's stated her question twice:

 

 

 

If you were her, would you want to know?

• Would you like to know if you were in hershoes?
  

 

 

Has anyone said they would not want to know?

[La.Primavera]

I have a friend that over the past 5 or 6 months has had an affair.

An otherwise really good guy, very charismatic, very generous and likable. His wife is a really cool girl as well. They have a kid and another one on the way and been together for over 6 years.

 

I don't want to ruin anyone's happiness but this is where my dilemma comes in. I respect and like this friend of mine and I don't want to cause him any trouble. On the other hand he is having a very obvious and public affair with a girl that I and pretty much everyone has met. He's not hiding it nor confirming it but everybody knows and refer to the girl as his girlfriend. (the wife doesn't know). Making the wife look like a fool, and making a lot of people feel uncomfortable as they know his wife and are not saying anything just because no one wants to be the bearer of bad news, including me.

 

In the past 2 months or so he admitted to me that he is sleeping with this girl and has feelings for her. Although I've always thought he had the perfect relationship with his long term girl (not married but long term girlfriend that he refers to as his wife) the things he told me about his relationship and state of mind made me feel very bad for his long term girlfriend and that's what made me morally struggle for over a month now if I should tell her or not.

 

He admitted that he doesn't love his "wife" that he just doesn't want to be alone when he gets older and thats why he stays with her, he has no love for her, even kissing her means nothing, and that he's not even afraid to lose her if that were ever to happen. He doesn't spend much time at home and when he does its just because he feels obliged to do so, but then his out partying/working all night every day. He shared that he wishes he were single for at least another 5 years before going in for it.

 

The areas I have highlighted are the reasons why I think she needs to know. It is not to rat him out as much as it is about giving her a warning because it sounds like this guy doesn't care about her at all, and if he is already parading a girlfriend around like it is no big deal, he could just as easily walk out on her out of the blue without a second thought, completely blindsiding her.

 

If I was her I would absolutely want to know. Knowledge is power. She may choose to stay with him regardless, which is absolutely fine but at least she will be aware of the situation. Who knows they might be able to finally communicate with each other about how they are feeling and what they truly want from their relationship. Additionally if she knows there is the potential for him to walk out at least she has time to plan what she would need to do to in order to be financially independent and take care of her children if he was no longer around.

 

I am thinking worst case scenario given what you described of his attitude and shady behavior, but I just read this thread and it made me immediately think about this. Would it have helped to know in advance that there were serious problems?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/543234-pregnant-left-feeling-low

 

Only you can decide if you want to tell her or not. Way up the pros and cons. I wouldn’t blame you either way.

 

Good luck.

[simpleguycomplicated]

Hi OP,

 

I was just wondering on an update of what happened. Did you decide to tell MW?

[applej4]

I don't want to ruin anyone's happiness but this is where my dilemma comes in. I respect and like this friend of mine and I don't want to cause him any trouble. On the other hand he is having a very obvious and public affair with a girl that I and pretty much everyone has met. He's not hiding it nor confirming it but everybody knows and refer to the girl as his girlfriend. (the wife doesn't know). Making the wife look like a fool, and making a lot of people feel uncomfortable as they know his wife and are not saying anything just because no one wants to be the bearer of bad news, including me.

You have no idea whether wife knows or not (you said he's not hiding it). That aside, the situation is absolutely NONE of your business. Your "making people uncomfortable making wife look like a fool" rationale is lame. You need to find something else to do with your time.

[Sugarkane]

My ex cheated on me and i was the last to know. All his friends make excuses because i guess being part of a clique, will always be top prioity. Ive completely lost respect for allof them.