Does the OM typically love the OW?

[Got it]

This is why I asked the question to me it's a tough one. Most affairs are so filled with lies and deception, that gosh the OM or OW could be saying it and not really mean it just for the sexual A to continue. Or confuse the L word with lust and infatuation.

 

How do you know it in any relationship? You evaluate by actions, does the person show you that they love you.

[Got it]

Agreed, there are many different "types" of affairs that you can read all about on the internet if you are so inclined. I suppose you can never really "know" if someone else loves you (aside from family), it comes down to your own perception, and how much you trust them. Unfortunately in A's, the latter is inherently lacking.

 

Again, I think this is subjective. I can't agree with the bolded as I didn't inherently not trust in our relationship.

[OldRover]

Again, I think this is subjective. I can't agree with the bolded as I didn't inherently not trust in our relationship.

 

Agreed, and there are characteristics of love... there are certain things they do to prove love. And over time you will know.

[eye of the storm]

I was a SOW and I did(still do) love my now ExMM. He did, and maybe still does, love me. I really do believe that.

 

I also believe:

 

He loved his financial standing and family connections more.

He loved his house/property/retirement/pension more.

And he loved his W more. (if he didn't...that is sad because he chose her.)

 

So love really doesn't matter in the long run. Just because you love something does not mean you will chose it. It is all about choices. To get into an A or to get out of an A. Work on your M or ignore it. Choices. You have to own yours and accept theirs.

[OldRover]

Signs that he is in love with you: You’re always on his mind

 

Does he send you funny texts during the day? Do songs, signs and hilarious headlines remind him of you? Does he Google last night’s unresolved debate — “Which is healthier: ice cream or gelato?” — when he’s at work? When you become a very present part of his day even when you’re apart, he’s invested in the relationship.

 

Signs that he is in love with you: He compromises

 

Love can soften the heart. Being right isn’t as important as doing right by the other person. When your beau starts to meet you in the middle on topics he’s typically stubborn about — Maybe he’s a movie snob suddenly willing to let you pick a flick he’d otherwise never watch — he’s leading with his heart instead of his head. Signs of selflessness are huge indicators that he’s in love.

 

Signs that he is in love with you: He touches you in public

 

Most guys have no qualms about touching their girlfriends in private. With public displays of affection, however, they can be a little more hesitant. When your man puts his arm around you in public, he’s both proudly announcing to the world that you’re together and making a protective gesture. Another love gesture: when he starts offering the hugs and cuddles you crave, with no expectation of sex. He wants to serve you with physical touch, not use it just to get what he wants.

 

Signs that he is in love with you: He wants to take care of you

 

Women often roll their eyes at men’s “fix it” instincts; and while he may not be able to fix every bad day, the fact that he tries only points to the fact that he deeply cares about you. He wants to make things better. He wants to provide for you, practically and emotionally. He wants to make you smile. When he puts in the effort to comfort and reassure you, he’s saying “I love you” in both word and deed.

 

Signs that he is in love with you: He wants you to love his family

 

Does he want you to meet everyone who’s important to him? When he’s ready to introduce you to people who matter most — and is equally eager to meet your friends and family — he has no intentions of going anywhere. He’s proud to be with you and wants his family to fall in love with you, too.

 

Signs that he is in love with you: He’s not afraid to fight — or apologize

 

Sometimes it takes a fight or two to understand just how strong a relationship is. A man in love is one who isn’t afraid of conflict — or apologies. Instead, he fights fair, respects you when things get rocky, listens to your perspective, hates to see you upset, and wants to resolve things well. “Love means never having to say you’re sorry” is the most inaccurate movie tagline ever. (Sorry, “Love Story.”) Love means dropping the pride, admitting when you’re wrong and never being afraid to say you’re sorry.

 

Signs that he is in love with you: “We” has replaced “I”

 

Listen to his word choices. When he starts using words like “we,” “us,” and “Team Awesome” — Each guy will have his own way to describe the unit you’ve become — he’s not thinking of himself as a single man anymore. You’re now part of his life. And he loves that.

 

Signs that he is in love with you: When he talks about the future, you’re in it

 

Does he make plans for the future that include you? Did he invite you to his buddy’s wedding next fall? Does he joke about your future children together? When he’s got a future with you on his mind, he’s already decided that he has no intentions of letting you go.

 

Signs that he is in love with you: He says so

 

If he says he loves you, believe him. A man in love can’t keep it to himself for long.

 

All good points.

Edited August 17, 2015 by OldRover

[mea_M]

I was a SOW and I did(still do) love my now ExMM. He did, and maybe still does, love me. I really do believe that.

 

I also believe:

 

He loved his financial standing and family connections more.

He loved his house/property/retirement/pension more.

And he loved his W more. (if he didn't...that is sad because he chose her.)

 

So love really doesn't matter in the long run. Just because you love something does not mean you will chose it. It is all about choices. To get into an A or to get out of an A. Work on your M or ignore it. Choices. You have to own yours and accept theirs.

 

Yes. I agree totally. Choices really speak.

[mea_M]

Signs that he is in love with you: You’re always on his mind

 

Does he send you funny texts during the day? Do songs, signs and hilarious headlines remind him of you? Does he Google last night’s unresolved debate — “Which is healthier: ice cream or gelato?” — when he’s at work? When you become a very present part of his day even when you’re apart, he’s invested in the relationship.

 

Signs that he is in love with you: He compromises

 

Love can soften the heart. Being right isn’t as important as doing right by the other person. When your beau starts to meet you in the middle on topics he’s typically stubborn about — Maybe he’s a movie snob suddenly willing to let you pick a flick he’d otherwise never watch — he’s leading with his heart instead of his head. Signs of selflessness are huge indicators that he’s in love.

 

Signs that he is in love with you: He touches you in public

 

Most guys have no qualms about touching their girlfriends in private. With public displays of affection, however, they can be a little more hesitant. When your man puts his arm around you in public, he’s both proudly announcing to the world that you’re together and making a protective gesture. Another love gesture: when he starts offering the hugs and cuddles you crave, with no expectation of sex. He wants to serve you with physical touch, not use it just to get what he wants.

 

Signs that he is in love with you: He wants to take care of you

 

Women often roll their eyes at men’s “fix it” instincts; and while he may not be able to fix every bad day, the fact that he tries only points to the fact that he deeply cares about you. He wants to make things better. He wants to provide for you, practically and emotionally. He wants to make you smile. When he puts in the effort to comfort and reassure you, he’s saying “I love you” in both word and deed.

 

Signs that he is in love with you: He wants you to love his family

 

Does he want you to meet everyone who’s important to him? When he’s ready to introduce you to people who matter most — and is equally eager to meet your friends and family — he has no intentions of going anywhere. He’s proud to be with you and wants his family to fall in love with you, too.

 

Signs that he is in love with you: He’s not afraid to fight — or apologize

 

Sometimes it takes a fight or two to understand just how strong a relationship is. A man in love is one who isn’t afraid of conflict — or apologies. Instead, he fights fair, respects you when things get rocky, listens to your perspective, hates to see you upset, and wants to resolve things well. “Love means never having to say you’re sorry” is the most inaccurate movie tagline ever. (Sorry, “Love Story.”) Love means dropping the pride, admitting when you’re wrong and never being afraid to say you’re sorry.

 

Signs that he is in love with you: “We” has replaced “I”

 

Listen to his word choices. When he starts using words like “we,” “us,” and “Team Awesome” — Each guy will have his own way to describe the unit you’ve become — he’s not thinking of himself as a single man anymore. You’re now part of his life. And he loves that.

 

Signs that he is in love with you: When he talks about the future, you’re in it

 

Does he make plans for the future that include you? Did he invite you to his buddy’s wedding next fall? Does he joke about your future children together? When he’s got a future with you on his mind, he’s already decided that he has no intentions of letting you go.

 

Signs that he is in love with you: He says so

 

If he says he loves you, believe him. A man in love can’t keep it to himself for long.

 

All good points.

 

Ok now wait a sec. I agree about the above actions of love here, but an affair is typically a secret, so how would an OW or OM be able to do most of these things? If he can barley email or text out of fear of getting caught does that mean he's not into you and does not love you? This is what I mean about affairs and knowing if the OM or OW really love you?

[unluckycharms]

I believe that mine thought he loved me, but the reality is that he just loved what I represented, which was an escape from adulthood and marriage. Love is a set of actions rather than words and his actions showed that he only cared about himself.

 

I'm starting to realize that I probably didn't truly love him either and was confusing the intensity of the emotions and chemistry I felt with actual affection. But, who knows.

[mea_M]

I believe that mine thought he loved me, but the reality is that he just loved what I represented, which was an escape from adulthood and marriage. Love is a set of actions rather than words and his actions showed that he only cared about himself.

 

I'm starting to realize that I probably didn't truly love him either and was confusing the intensity of the emotions and chemistry I felt with actual affection. But, who knows.

 

Aha.. Yes. You could have represented something from his youth or just about anything that would create that mental escape. The illusion of the affair and secret. The chemical reactions that the brain and body so wholeheartedly twist into some huge fantasy. This makes sense. It's a false sense of love perhaps? I'm not saying that's how it went in you're case, just elaborating On you're thoughts. Which leads me to believe in most cases affair feelings are not real genuine love. It feels like love, but more often then not illusion of love.

[OldRover]

Ok now wait a sec. I agree about the above actions of love here, but an affair is typically a secret, so how would an OW or OM be able to do most of these things? If he can barley email or text out of fear of getting caught does that mean he's not into you and does not love you? This is what I mean about affairs and knowing if the OM or OW really love you?

 

 

True, but a lot of those will be displayed... He will tell his best friends, he will want to tell everyone, There will be a lot of little things that won't be noticed by others, things he does for you, the future, we and not I, gifts, favors, etc.

 

If it were only sex, a lot of those things wouldn't be.

[minimariah]

True, but a lot of those will be displayed... He will tell his best friends, he will want to tell everyone, There will be a lot of little things that won't be noticed by others, things he does for you, the future, we and not I, gifts, favors, etc.

 

If it were only sex, a lot of those things wouldn't be.

 

ehhhhhh... depends. a lot of different As and sometimes people like to get lost in the fantasy. these things can be some kind of proof of love... but at the same time, they don't have to mean anything more than just a casual infatuation, passion, in love & fantasy. none of it is some kind of proof of "love" - not even in a normal relationship. i personally did all of the things off of that list (in a normal relationship) in the previous post -- and it was far, far from love.

 

you just know when you're loved and treated with respect. telling the best friend, gifts, favors, telling everyone... doesn't mean anything. it's all there in the touch, eyes, feeling. you feel it... or you don't just by the way the person looks at you. simple as that.

[cocorico]

Signs that he is in love with you: You’re always on his mind

 

Does he send you funny texts during the day? Do songs, signs and hilarious headlines remind him of you? Does he Google last night’s unresolved debate — “Which is healthier: ice cream or gelato?” — when he’s at work? When you become a very present part of his day even when you’re apart, he’s invested in the relationship.

 

Signs that he is in love with you: He compromises

 

Love can soften the heart. Being right isn’t as important as doing right by the other person. When your beau starts to meet you in the middle on topics he’s typically stubborn about — Maybe he’s a movie snob suddenly willing to let you pick a flick he’d otherwise never watch — he’s leading with his heart instead of his head. Signs of selflessness are huge indicators that he’s in love.

 

Signs that he is in love with you: He touches you in public

 

Most guys have no qualms about touching their girlfriends in private. With public displays of affection, however, they can be a little more hesitant. When your man puts his arm around you in public, he’s both proudly announcing to the world that you’re together and making a protective gesture. Another love gesture: when he starts offering the hugs and cuddles you crave, with no expectation of sex. He wants to serve you with physical touch, not use it just to get what he wants.

 

Signs that he is in love with you: He wants to take care of you

 

Women often roll their eyes at men’s “fix it” instincts; and while he may not be able to fix every bad day, the fact that he tries only points to the fact that he deeply cares about you. He wants to make things better. He wants to provide for you, practically and emotionally. He wants to make you smile. When he puts in the effort to comfort and reassure you, he’s saying “I love you” in both word and deed.

 

Signs that he is in love with you: He wants you to love his family

 

Does he want you to meet everyone who’s important to him? When he’s ready to introduce you to people who matter most — and is equally eager to meet your friends and family — he has no intentions of going anywhere. He’s proud to be with you and wants his family to fall in love with you, too.

 

Signs that he is in love with you: He’s not afraid to fight — or apologize

 

Sometimes it takes a fight or two to understand just how strong a relationship is. A man in love is one who isn’t afraid of conflict — or apologies. Instead, he fights fair, respects you when things get rocky, listens to your perspective, hates to see you upset, and wants to resolve things well. “Love means never having to say you’re sorry” is the most inaccurate movie tagline ever. (Sorry, “Love Story.”) Love means dropping the pride, admitting when you’re wrong and never being afraid to say you’re sorry.

 

Signs that he is in love with you: “We” has replaced “I”

 

Listen to his word choices. When he starts using words like “we,” “us,” and “Team Awesome” — Each guy will have his own way to describe the unit you’ve become — he’s not thinking of himself as a single man anymore. You’re now part of his life. And he loves that.

 

Signs that he is in love with you: When he talks about the future, you’re in it

 

Does he make plans for the future that include you? Did he invite you to his buddy’s wedding next fall? Does he joke about your future children together? When he’s got a future with you on his mind, he’s already decided that he has no intentions of letting you go.

 

Signs that he is in love with you: He says so

 

If he says he loves you, believe him. A man in love can’t keep it to himself for long.

 

All good points.

 

Ok now wait a sec. I agree about the above actions of love here, but an affair is typically a secret, so how would an OW or OM be able to do most of these things? If he can barley email or text out of fear of getting caught does that mean he's not into you and does not love you? This is what I mean about affairs and knowing if the OM or OW really love you?

 

I don't agree, really - my H found a way to do all of that during the A, and many others do too, in their own ways.

 

Sure, there are some people who do all that... and still can't get it together to leave a BS for the loved one, and no doubt there are some people who want to do all that, but are too constrained by their situations to take the risk... But in the main, I'd say it was a pretty accurate list.

[mea_M]

I don't agree, really - my H found a way to do all of that during the A, and many others do too, in their own ways.

 

Sure, there are some people who do all that... and still can't get it together to leave a BS for the loved one, and no doubt there are some people who want to do all that, but are too constrained by their situations to take the risk... But in the main, I'd say it was a pretty accurate list.

 

Exactly. To constrained or should I say comfortable to take the risk. My feeling, if someone loves you enough they will take that risk. Love would override that.

[Got it]

Ok now wait a sec. I agree about the above actions of love here, but an affair is typically a secret, so how would an OW or OM be able to do most of these things? If he can barley email or text out of fear of getting caught does that mean he's not into you and does not love you? This is what I mean about affairs and knowing if the OM or OW really love you?

 

Who says that has to be the dynamics? Sorry but I missed the rule book on affairs when I started mine.

 

Sorry but you are following a very misguided belief on affairs, or what you are willing to accept, than I ever did. I expected easy communication, face time, phone time, travel, etc. and any hoops he jumped through were his. Why would I accept so little?

 

Like I have said, my concession was he was married, everything else was his baby to rock.

[mea_M]

Who says that has to be the dynamics? Sorry but I missed the rule book on affairs when I started mine.

 

Sorry but you are following a very misguided belief on affairs, or what you are willing to accept, than I ever did. I expected easy communication, face time, phone time, travel, etc. and any hoops he jumped through were his. Why would I accept so little?

 

Like I have said, my concession was he was married, everything else was his baby to rock.

 

Well, I suppose anything goes then. was just trying to understand if real love is involved. That's all.

[OldRover]

I don't agree, really - my H found a way to do all of that during the A, and many others do too, in their own ways.

 

Sure, there are some people who do all that... and still can't get it together to leave a BS for the loved one, and no doubt there are some people who want to do all that, but are too constrained by their situations to take the risk... But in the main, I'd say it was a pretty accurate list.

 

You make a good point, but if he didn't love you, he'd probably not do any of those things....

 

Also, there's more things that are done to prove love... I actually had a better list from my counselor... somethings are very personal, and some things he would want to tell the world about. Actions do speak loudly.

 

A few KEY points...

There would be lots of communication, and understanding....not putting his OW in a position where she would wonder.

He would address you as US and not I.

He would talk about a future. (May not include his divorce, but probably should at some point).

He would spend time with you... whenever he could.

And he would say it.... not just once in awhile.... all the time.

And, yes, his best friends would know about you... and he would even arrange some double dating.

Also, the "love" part would certainly not be in the first few dates... it might take a year or so.

[Finally Settled]

Exactly. To constrained or should I say comfortable to take the risk. My feeling, if someone loves you enough they will take that risk. Love would override that.

 

As someone who took years to leave my familiar and comfortable life for my other woman, I respectfully disagree. I loved her with all my heart so when I wouldn't end the marriage she ended the affair and I was completely devastated. The pull of family, time, history, tradition, societal and personal expectation, and fear are most often strong enough to overshadow love.

 

I loved my other woman so much I was eventually unable to remain in my familiar and comfortable life. I did the right thing by my wife and left the marriage. In doing so I stepped towards what seemed a bottomless cliff which represented my future. I was one of the lucky ones who was eventually able to reconnect and make amends to both women. I am happily married to my other woman now and my xwife is happily engaged to a fine man who will give her the aspects of a shared life that I could, or would, not.

 

I work on a voluntary basis with men who have been unfaithful and it would more than likely surprise many of you how many do love their other women. Most will subscribe minimizing by telling their spouses and significant others the feelings were less than they truly are. Most will carry on discussing their other woman as often as their spouses and significant others during the meetings.

[Got it]

Well, I suppose anything goes then. was just trying to understand if real love is involved. That's all.

 

Mea, what do you expect in any relationship to know that the person loves you? I think if you answer it in a general sense you will get it for any particular subset. It really shouldn't have to change and maybe that it is the litmus test for you/others. Why change your expectations, boundaries, perimeters? There may be some areas open to compromise and others that are hard lines. Know the two and you will get your answer.

 

Some of what makes you feel loved is going to be different from myself, read The 5 Love Languages to find your love language. That will speak to what you want and need.

 

I have never doubted my MM/husband's love for me. I can see it in his eyes, feel it in his kiss, and see it every day in his actions. I have never had someone put so much energy into me/our relationship like he does on a daily basis. I have never seen someone so willing to stand up and keep working on the relationship. And I have never had someone so appreciative of my love, my thoughts, and my desires.

 

I will say, even when I wasn't sure if he was going to be able move forward with what he said he was going to do, I have never questioned his love for me. I do know, sometimes, love isn't enough.

[Cymbeline]

This question keeps coming up, but, unusually for the English language which has so many words to cover the different nuances of so many situations, it falls short with 'love'. Love has many stages and manifestations. Not all are enduring, not all viable in reality. Love has many layers.

 

In my case, my mid-life husband, struggling with career disappointment and fear of ageing certainly felt (feels?) extremely strongly about his OW. It was clear to me that having met me at age 21, he was unused to this feeling after 30 years and was unable to understand what had happened to him. He wondered what was wrong with him.

 

His OW wasn't really workable in the real world. He is very very senior in one of the worlds largest multi nationals. His ow a young admin assistant in his own dept. not a sacking offence but it would be considered a lack of judgement. In addition she has (to me) serious issues due to a chaotic background. She could not be more opposite to me. She is young, different ethnicity, uneducated and not especially bright or interesting. She is very pretty and sweet and undemanding.

 

He is used to being kow towed to. He is used to making decisions and leading with confidence, so the confusion and realisation of what he has done is extreme and new to him. He is as blindsided as I am.

 

Is this love? Well yes, I would call it a kind of love. It seems more than lust to me. Could it work in a life where I am deeply involved with all aspects of his life as are his three children - two currently at Ivy League universities? I believe not and rationally neither does he. So he ended it but kept contact for a further 6 months, partly out of care and guilt towards her but partly because he couldn't resist doing so.

 

It is certainly passion, which he had not felt so powerfully for a long time (if ever due to the erotic dynamics of such an affair).

 

The enduring nature of attachment in our basically very sound and successful marriage seem to have won out, but I have little doubt that for a time, he felt very strongly for his OW and willnprobably always regard her with affection, even though he doesn't understand why.

 

I'd say this has a lot to do with mid life growing pains and is a common theme among affairs between individuals of different ages and status. It wasn't a fake feeling though.

 

.

[mea_M]

As someone who took years to leave my familiar and comfortable life for my other woman, I respectfully disagree. I loved her with all my heart so when I wouldn't end the marriage she ended the affair and I was completely devastated. The pull of family, time, history, tradition, societal and personal expectation, and fear are most often strong enough to overshadow love.

 

I loved my other woman so much I was eventually unable to remain in my familiar and comfortable life. I did the right thing by my wife and left the marriage. In doing so I stepped towards what seemed a bottomless cliff which represented my future. I was one of the lucky ones who was eventually able to reconnect and make amends to both women. I am happily married to my other woman now and my xwife is happily engaged to a fine man who will give her the aspects of a shared life that I could, or would, not.

 

I work on a voluntary basis with men who have been unfaithful and it would more than likely surprise many of you how many do love their other women. Most will subscribe minimizing by telling their spouses and significant others the feelings were less than they truly are. Most will carry on discussing their other woman as often as their spouses and significant others during the meetings.

 

Just wanted to let you know I see you're points. I'm also happy it all worked out for you.

 

[mea_M]

This question keeps coming up, but, unusually for the English language which has so many words to cover the different nuances of so many situations, it falls short with 'love'. Love has many stages and manifestations. Not all are enduring, not all viable in reality. Love has many layers.

 

In my case, my mid-life husband, struggling with career disappointment and fear of ageing certainly felt (feels?) extremely strongly about his OW. It was clear to me that having met me at age 21, he was unused to this feeling after 30 years and was unable to understand what had happened to him. He wondered what was wrong with him.

 

His OW wasn't really workable in the real world. He is very very senior in one of the worlds largest multi nationals. His ow a young admin assistant in his own dept. not a sacking offence but it would be considered a lack of judgement. In addition she has (to me) serious issues due to a chaotic background. She could not be more opposite to me. She is young, different ethnicity, uneducated and not especially bright or interesting. She is very pretty and sweet and undemanding.

 

He is used to being kow towed to. He is used to making decisions and leading with confidence, so the confusion and realisation of what he has done is extreme and new to him. He is as blindsided as I am.

 

Is this love? Well yes, I would call it a kind of love. It seems more than lust to me. Could it work in a life where I am deeply involved with all aspects of his life as are his three children - two currently at Ivy League universities? I believe not and rationally neither does he. So he ended it but kept contact for a further 6 months, partly out of care and guilt towards her but partly because he couldn't resist doing so.

 

It is certainly passion, which he had not felt so powerfully for a long time (if ever due to the erotic dynamics of such an affair).

 

The enduring nature of attachment in our basically very sound and successful marriage seem to have won out, but I have little doubt that for a time, he felt very strongly for his OW and willnprobably always regard her with affection, even though he doesn't understand why.

 

I'd say this has a lot to do with mid life growing pains and is a common theme among affairs between individuals of different ages and status. It wasn't a fake feeling though.

 

.

 

Very well said. Thank you.

[ShatteredLady]

I think it depends on the persons emotional depth & what you/they mean by 'love'. As life progresses & things aren't all rainbows you start to learn the true nature of a person & their ability to give. Is lying, cheating, hurting etc. 'Love'? I think some selfishly love themselves far too much to ever truly, selflessly, love anyone unconditionally. They do their best (sometimes) but by definition aren't 'MOST' in an affair too screwed-up emotionally to know what they're really feeling about anyone or anything?

I think some are on a journey & falling in love. Only time will tell. Indefinitely going back & forth with all the lies & drama is too emotionally complex to define as real love.

[mea_M]

I think it depends on the persons emotional depth & what you/they mean by 'love'. As life progresses & things aren't all rainbows you start to learn the true nature of a person & their ability to give. Is lying, cheating, hurting etc. 'Love'? I think some selfishly love themselves far too much to ever truly, selflessly, love anyone unconditionally. They do their best (sometimes) but by definition aren't 'MOST' in an affair too screwed-up emotionally to know what they're really feeling about anyone or anything?

I think some are on a journey & falling in love. Only time will tell. Indefinitely going back & forth with all the lies & drama is too emotionally complex to define as real love.

 

 

You see the part about the lying and drama is exactly why I questioned the love factor of the OW /OM to begin with. To me that's so far away from love it's more like selfish deceit and very self centered. I suppose I look at love as minus those things. I never even saw that when I had an ea long ago. Heck I was head over with my own self I think.

[unluckycharms]

Aha.. Yes. You could have represented something from his youth or just about anything that would create that mental escape. The illusion of the affair and secret. The chemical reactions that the brain and body so wholeheartedly twist into some huge fantasy. This makes sense. It's a false sense of love perhaps? I'm not saying that's how it went in you're case, just elaborating On you're thoughts. Which leads me to believe in most cases affair feelings are not real genuine love. It feels like love, but more often then not illusion of love.

 

It was an interesting dynamic that I'm only really gaining perspective on as I get more distance. He had recently gotten married and viewed it as a huge mistake (obviously I only have his word on this, but it seems least partially true) and I think he he saw me as the life he wished he still had. I'm over a decade younger, am still out dating and partying/having fun with friends and am also lucky to make good money for my age - all of this made me "free" in his eyes while he viewed himself as financially trapped and not able to go live it up like he used to. He lied to me about his age and marital status for many months which I think shows that he just wanted to escape his reality and probably also knew that I wouldn't have dated him if I'd known the truth. The guy's a real piece of work and if I didn't hate him for dragging me through the mud I'd probably feel bad for him.

 

I'm still trying to figure out why I went along with it. Finally sprung for therapy, which is ridiculously expensive where I live, just because I want to make sure I can understand why I stayed around as long as I did. I can say for sure that it wasn't the illusion/secrecy of the affair itself though because I started trying to end it once I found out he was married.

[Cymbeline]

The Road Not Taken

 

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

 

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim

Because it was grassy and wanted wear,

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

 

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way

I doubted if I should ever come back.

 

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

 

by Robert Frost

 

Most of us, most of the time, are pretty ok with what we have, but sometimes wistfully wonder about that 'Road Not Taken'. Some of us try to see what the other road would have been like. Others stay on track.