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Wife's best friend is interested in being with wife...just once.

Tk425

By Tk425
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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qubist Established Member

qubist

Posted
Posted
If one of my wife's male friends asked me for permission to have sex with my wife, and when I said no, asked me if he could just make out with her then, that man's intentions with my wife would be shady. That man would also be out or our life.

What you are saying is right but what you are not seeing iMO is that standards are just subjective to culture and generation. what is tolerable by me might not be to you. in some culture even a man complementing another man's wife is not acceptable or in some countries even saying HI to her would be considered wrong.

the OP (TK 425) his wife and the BFF are from different generation where it's "OK" if she would ask him that when they are drinking together. should he make a huge deal about it? i don't think so. should he act upon it? absolutely he'd better make a statement to both of them that he does not approve it

jen1447 Established Member

jen1447

Posted
Posted
If one of my wife's male friends asked me for permission to have sex with my wife, and when I said no, asked me if he could just make out with her then, that man's intentions with my wife would be shady. That man would also be out or our life.

 

That's fine for you but I'm not sure how your wife's hypothetical male friend or OP's wife's real life female friend could objectively be said to be "shady." Define shady, and who are they being shady against if they're not deceiving anyone and not acting without permission?

 

I think you're looking at it from more of a personal values standpoint, which is fine but not universally applicable.

  • Like 1
Try Established Member

Try

Posted
Posted (edited)
Define shady, and who are they being shady against if they're not deceiving anyone and not acting without permission?

The Free Dictionary defined shady as "Of dubious character, morality, or legality; questionable". If a male friend of my wife told me that he wanted my permission to commit adultery with my wife, that would show me that he was of "dubious character", thus a shady guy. It would also tell me that as a guy that was lusting after my wife, that he wanted to more that just friends with her. BTW: most would say that a drug dealer was shady, even though he buys the drugs from a source and sells it to willing buyers because it is of dubious legality. Edited by Try
  • Like 3
Try Established Member

Try

Posted
Posted
I think you're looking at it from more of a personal values standpoint, which is fine but not universally applicable.
Are you really saying that it is OK for a wife to have male freinds that want to f**k them so badly that they dare to ask, but as long as they are polite about it that makes it OK? Yes I know that a small percentage of the population are in favor of open marriages, but the exception does not make the rule.
  • Like 1
MJJean Established Member

MJJean

Posted
Posted
That's fine for you but I'm not sure how your wife's hypothetical male friend or OP's wife's real life female friend could objectively be said to be "shady." Define shady, and who are they being shady against if they're not deceiving anyone and not acting without permission?

 

I think you're looking at it from more of a personal values standpoint, which is fine but not universally applicable.

 

I see the friend as shady, too.

 

So far, I have come up with:

 

Option A) She and the wife have talked about it and are in agreement, but the BF was elected to talk to OP and lied about the wife knowing and consenting. Which makes her shady.

 

Option B) She and the wife talked about it and the wife wasn't totally on board, so BF decides to get the OP into the idea so he can pressure the wife. Which makes her manipulative and shady.

 

Option C) She and the wife have honestly never talked about it, so she's asking the OP so that he can ask the wife as if the wife is some kind of property they can share. Which makes her a douchebag and shady.

 

All or none of the above, she clearly doesn't have respect for the marriage to even ask in the first place. As the BF of the wife and having been Maid of Honor at the wedding, it's safe to bet she knows the marriage isn't open. Asking to screw a married person in a traditional marriage is generally seen as inappropriate and disrespectful.

  • Like 2
jen1447 Established Member

jen1447

Posted
Posted
Are you really saying that it is OK for a wife to have male freinds that want to f**k them so badly that they dare to ask, but as long as they are polite about it that makes it OK? Yes I know that a small percentage of the population are in favor of open marriages, but the exception does not make the rule.

 

What's the difference between the male and female thing? But to answer your question, while no one mentioned being "polite," yes I'm saying that if no lies were told and no actions taken that weren't agreed upon, the simple desire for the spouse and asking about it is not "shady." (See below.)

 

The Free Dictionary defined shady as "Of dubious character, morality, or legality; questionable".

 

Let's look at all those then ....

 

"dubious character" - subjective moral judgment - who decides what's "dubious?"

"dubious morality" - same

"dubious legality" this actually seems helpfully specific and I assume it means "illegal," which sleeping with another person's spouse or asking to generally isn't.

"questionable" - according to whom? Subjective value judgment again.

 

If a male friend of my wife told me that he wanted my permission to commit adultery with my wife, that would show me that he was of "dubious character", thus a shady guy. It would also tell me that as a guy that was lusting after my wife, that he wanted to more that just friends with her. BTW: most would say that a drug dealer was shady, even though he buys the drugs from a source and sells it to willing buyers because it is of dubious legality.

Again that's fine in your own value system, but it's personal and subjective. You can't automatically apply it to the OP and/or his wife. His wife's very bisexuality itself suggests a more progressive attitude and likely personal values to go along with it.

Justcurious3 Member

Justcurious3

Posted
Posted (edited)
Hello,

 

So my wife and I have been married for just over two years and have been together for nearly six. A mutual best friend of ours for the last 5 years and also the maid of honor in our wedding has expressed to me her interest in taking her friendship with my wife to the next level just one time before we move across country in the near future. She just recently ended an engagement to a man she has been with for five years because the guy feared a commitment on that level and backed out.

 

This mutual friend of ours has reassured me that I would have nothing to worry about because she sees our marriage as an example she hopes to get one day. Both her and my wife are bisexual but my wife wants a family, kids, and a future with me and would never have an interest in a long term relationship with another woman.

 

When I expressed my reluctance and hesitation she said I could even be there if I wanted but from the wording it sounded more like I would be a spectator, rather than a participant in a threesome. She has not expressed any interest in sex with me although she may feel awkward saying that to me beforehand which is why she has not. She also stated this could spice up our love life which has slowed in frequency and has been an area of conflict. She went on to say my wife may be having this thought but is hesitant to discuss it with me because of how I might react but we both know our histories in that area, and I truly feel my wife could discuss this with me if she wanted to.

 

Advice/thoughts? Is this still cheating if this were to happen with or without my permission with our best friend who is another woman? She says she respects my wishes no matter what and would never force anything but this has been brought up a few times now. Should I be worried? Should I see this as a lucky hand I've been dealt? I just feel it could complicate things and make me feel betrayed, hurt, and question my self worth if my wife was interested in following through on this and it was to happen. It could ruin my marriage and ruin our friendship with this person. Please let me know your thoughts or perspectives.

Sounds like a trap to me. This "best friend" has lost her relationship and is now trying to ruin yours before you guys can move away from her and live happily ever after. She's misery and she wants company don't do it.

Edited by Justcurious3
Corrected your's to yours
  • Like 1
salparadise Established Member

salparadise

Posted
Posted
If one of my wife's male friends asked me for permission to have sex with my wife, and when I said no, asked me if he could just make out with her then, that man's intentions with my wife would be shady.

 

Why has the word "shady" become central to the whole thing all of a sudden? Like jen said, it's a subjective word; doesn't have a solid definition in its own right. Let's change the test to irreproachable and see how it all shakes out, eh?

 

I can imagine sitting down with one of my guy buddies... hey Leroy, ya know your hot little wifey gives me a boner every time. She knows what she's doing and, well, I think there is mutual admiration... after all, she likes dick and I like pussy ya know, and I want me some of that... but since I'm a standup kind of guy I thought I'd run it by you first. You wouldn't mind, would ya Leroy?

 

How the OPs situation any different? Does female-female change anything at all?

  • Like 2
elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted

How the OPs situation any different? Does female-female change anything at all?

 

It doesn't.

 

And it is viewed as "shady" because the implication is that she spent a lot of time around the wife giving a false impression to the husband and others, that she was just a friend.

 

"I am merely her platonic friend, we kiss, cuddle and hug, but we are just friends"

turns into

"I really want to make out and sleep with her, but I am pretending to everyone that she is my friend. I am getting turned on every time I touch her and I try and get as close to her as possible to feed my desires."

 

Men who do this to woman - pretend to be their close friend, ie share innermost secrets, spend time cuddled up on the sofa watching romcoms, choosing clothes, providing hankies, mopping tears over relationships, and then turn round and say they wanted into her pants all along, are not looked upon kindly to put it mildly, by most women. They think he is devious and no longer trustworthy.

I am not sure a woman up to the same game, should get a pass here.

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Morro72 Established Member

Morro72

Posted
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It almost sounds like she's trying to get you to help talk your wife into this. Pretty creepy if this is the case.

  • Like 1
jen1447 Established Member

jen1447

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Why has the word "shady" become central to the whole thing all of a sudden?

The OP actually used it first when he said he was perplexed at how the friend wouldn't find it shady to want to sleep with his wife.

 

It doesn't.

 

And it is viewed as "shady" because the implication is that she spent a lot of time around the wife giving a false impression to the husband and others, that she was just a friend.

 

But how do we know that? For all we know they're very open and discuss this sort of stuff all the time. They're both bi after all, so at the very least we know that they're aware of each others' progressive-minded sexuality. :)

elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted

But how do we know that? For all we know they're very open and discuss this sort of stuff all the time. They're both bi after all, so at the very least we know that they're aware of each others' progressive-minded sexuality. :)

 

Maybe they are between the two of them perfectly open, but the husband apparently wasn't aware that they weren't anything more than pals, and that is where "shady" comes into play here.

I doubt that the "friend" was merely suggesting this off her own back, so there is likely a bit of a conspiracy here.

He is may be a bit naive, but it appears all this "attraction" and desire to take things to another level, was news to him.

  • Like 1
Try Established Member

Try

Posted
Posted
Asking to screw a married person in a traditional marriage is generally seen as inappropriate and disrespectful.
Well said.
Try Established Member

Try

Posted
Posted
They're both bi after all, so at the very least we know that they're aware of each others' progressive-minded sexuality. :)
I do not agree that people that are bi are by definition assumed to be OK with being in an open marriage. Many people that are bi are in long term monogamous marriages, and would be just as appalled as many on this site.

 

Also, I love the term "progressive-minded sexuality" that you use. Cheaters would do well if they adopted this term into their cheaters script.

jen1447 Established Member

jen1447

Posted
Posted
I do not agree that people that are bi are by definition assumed to be OK with being in an open marriage. Many people that are bi are in long term monogamous marriages, and would be just as appalled as many on this site.

 

Also, I love the term "progressive-minded sexuality" that you use. Cheaters would do well if they adopted this term into their cheaters script.

 

Didn't say or imply "assumed to be OK with being in an open marriage," just that imo the likelihood of the discussion existing in the first place is significant.

jen1447 Established Member

jen1447

Posted
Posted
Maybe they are between the two of them perfectly open, but the husband apparently wasn't aware that they weren't anything more than pals, and that is where "shady" comes into play here.

I doubt that the "friend" was merely suggesting this off her own back, so there is likely a bit of a conspiracy here.

He is may be a bit naive, but it appears all this "attraction" and desire to take things to another level, was news to him.

I guess we'll just have to disagree on the interpretation of the OP. I personally don't see anything particularly sinister in there, given the openness of the proposal et al. :)

 

Bottom line is I understand some ppl may find it objectionable, and even OP apparently does to a degree, but not all ppl would, and I encourage OP to consider the possibility that given the circumstances it's an essentially benign proposition and not to condemn his wife and his friend for it.

Morro72 Established Member

Morro72

Posted
Posted

If one of my wife's friends asked me a question like this, I'd tell her to ask my wife. My wife would tell her "yes", "no", or "I'll get back to you after I discuss this with my husband" depending on what my wife and I have agreed regarding sex with other people and depending on whether she honors these agreements. In any case I can't see any point in discussing this sort of thing with the friend.

 

Of course there are a lot of possible outcomes depending on what my wife and I have agreed and whether she honors those agreements but that's all down the road from where you are now.

  • Like 1
Try Established Member

Try

Posted
Posted
I encourage OP to consider the possibility that given the circumstances it's an essentially benign proposition and not to condemn his wife and his friend for it.
I encourage the OP to consider the possibility that given the circumstances it's an essentially inappropriate proposition and not to rule out the strong possibility that his wife and her friend are now or may one day become more than just friends. If he is not OK with this, he needs to address it now.
jen1447 Established Member

jen1447

Posted
Posted
I encourage the OP to consider the possibility that given the circumstances it's an essentially inappropriate proposition and not to rule out the strong possibility that his wife and her friend are now or may one day become more than just friends. If he is not OK with this, he needs to address it now.

 

That's fine. Isn't it great when we tolerate one another and our respective opinions? :D

Thegameoflife Established Member

Thegameoflife

Posted
Posted
I am honestly confused by the amount of threads lately about bisexual partners wanting/considering/asking for sex outside of their relationship. Even if its the straight partner posting. How is this even an option? Because two girls together is hot? If this was about your wife asking for sex with another guy this wouldnt even be considered.

 

I say,.ask your wife honestly what she wants. We can only guess. But if she wants to sleep with another woman you are allowed the same. Even if you dont want to, make clear you should have the same right. Now watch her reaction. Thats your answer.

 

I wouldnt do it though. You are already doubting it too much now. Imagine how you feel afterwards.

 

The reason is that there is a shift in relationship dynamics and sexuality. People are becoming more open about sexuality, and have new wants and needs.

 

As a husband with a bi-sexual wife, I really don't care if she plays with women. I don't feel any threat to our marriage. Monogamy doesn't make a marriage function. Different things work for different people.

 

The thing is, I'm not responsible to anyone to justify my actions. I want my wife to be happy. I'm not a jealous guy, so it simply doesn't bother me. Some people say, "What if she leaves you?" If the marriage failed, at least it failed under the right conditions.

  • Like 1
Vercetti Established Member

Vercetti

Posted
Posted

She looks up to your marriage, well boot this friend to the sun so she has a even better example of a solid married pair. Honestly she has little to no respect, playing the friend will only happen once card in order to screw with your life. Your wife licking another women when your about to make a big move, shouldn't be on the table. As a husband your supposed to protect your wife from pervs that wish to turn her out. If call this person a friend and think it could somehow be a good idea...

dental Member

dental

Posted
Posted

Lots of semantics in this thread. Twaddle in my opinion. It's a strange, untrustworthy, dodgy request. Period. Can I suck face with your wife on your couch while you watch? And when we're done perhaps you can put the kettle on?

  • Like 2
Thegameoflife Established Member

Thegameoflife

Posted
Posted

The OP is already screwed in my opinion. They weren't asking for permission. They were letting him know that they have feelings for each other, to soften the blow his wife is leaving him before he moves for work. They've probably been together this whole time. Once the motion to move was on the table, the decision of who to be with began.

 

One of the reasons I accept my wife's desires, is because I know how people are. If I was against her desire for women, things like the OP's situation would occur. The chances are that your partner will one day meet someone. They then develop feelings for each other. The strong emotional bond then comes into conflict with the monogamous situation. Emotions are strong, and soon resentment of the marriage and partner begins. The usual signs are troubles in the sex department, and small petty fights start to surface. It's the mind breaking ties seen as barriers to the stronger rewards of the new relationship.

 

He was already on the path to this the moment they decided to deny their bisexual tendencies. It sucks, but we have to see things how they are in life, not how we think they should be.

Cali408 Established Member

Cali408

Posted
Posted

OP,

 

Have your wife dress up in her wedding gown and the BF in her bridesmaid outfit.

 

Could be just like a porn movie.

 

Hear that, it's opportunity knocking....

 

Humor aside, if your not comfortable say no.

OldRover Established Member

OldRover

Posted
Posted
The OP is already screwed in my opinion. They weren't asking for permission. They were letting him know that they have feelings for each other, to soften the blow his wife is leaving him before he moves for work. They've probably been together this whole time. Once the motion to move was on the table, the decision of who to be with began.

 

One of the reasons I accept my wife's desires, is because I know how people are. If I was against her desire for women, things like the OP's situation would occur. The chances are that your partner will one day meet someone. They then develop feelings for each other. The strong emotional bond then comes into conflict with the monogamous situation. Emotions are strong, and soon resentment of the marriage and partner begins. The usual signs are troubles in the sex department, and small petty fights start to surface. It's the mind breaking ties seen as barriers to the stronger rewards of the new relationship.

 

He was already on the path to this the moment they decided to deny their bisexual tendencies. It sucks, but we have to see things how they are in life, not how we think they should be.

 

I don't think the OP is screwed, he has a choice, and should be adamit about it. Put his foot down and not only say no, but hell no. There is absolutely NO good that will come of this. If it turns out lousy, there could be regret, and if it turns out great, there will be incentive to repeat. No up side... PERIOD.

 

If my wife insisted, I'd tell her divorce me first.

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