Leigh 87 Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 IMO everybody who wants to find true love needs to stop worrying about BIG SPARKS as long as they are drawn to a person enough to truly want to see them more! If you don't, though, just forget it! Nobody knows how love grows, it's a big mystery, if you have many preconceived notions from movies, Walt Disney, porn or whatever you are likely going to be standing alone fantasizing while other people are open to maybe something happening in a way they weren't expecting! :bunny: Immediate sparks aren't akin to a Disny movie. It is basically instant sexual attraction without having to be neutral and apathetic before the attraction registers. It really is not something fairy tale. I know happy couples who had immediate big sparks. They just happened to be instantly very sexually attracted and grew to realse they were best friends and highly compatable! I think it's sad how people think waiting for a person that they are excited about and spark with is so "Disny "
Leigh 87 Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 When I mention sparks, I am not talking about instant off the charts earth shattering love at first site romance novel stuff..... I have personally never felt that instantly. Sparks in my books is something simple and white attainable if you're the type who attracts a lot of people you will surely experience my version of sparks often..... To me, the spark Is: - That zing - Immediate sexual intrigue - within minutes I realize there is something about them that draws me to them (their look their voice or the way in which they speak and say things) - I leave the first encounter feeling excited and happy - I fantasise about kissing them a little - From day one I cannot wait to hear from them and see them again - From day one their texts instantly put me in a happy mood - I grin like an idiot while with them and after they leave and sometimes randomly throughout the day /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ the guys I spark with are the texts I WANT to receive when I am at the same time feeling all annoyed when a "really lovely guy who is super into me " is also texting and it pisses me off because I feel no excitement surrounding the latter and I only wanna hear from the guy who I am more into. The biggest tell take sign for me is kissing. If I am dying to make out with them on the first meeting AS OPPOSED to having no feelings of wanting them in that way until a few dates in; that's a spark. When you are immediately sexually attracted rather than starting out with no sexual attraction and having to warm up to finding them sexy.......... No love at first site in my sparks. It is lust at first site. And it is more common for some than it is for others (to feel individually and/or mutually between two individuals) With my sparks, they always indicate that it is a guy I have a greater capacity to fall hard for.I always tend to feel much stronger degrees of emotion for men I spark with. I have tried dating a non sparks guy for nearly a year before and I have given non sparks guys a few dates many times over.. I personally NEVER feel as strongly and as much for non sparks guys than I did for my sparks men. I felt more intense feelings and stronger emotions for sparks guys I knew for a month than I felt for my non spark guy whom I dated for nearly one year............ Call me crazy. I can take it. But I personally just PREFER to have a spark from the outset because I PREFER feeling more passionate for my partner. I don't have a rush to settle down given I don't care whether or not I have kids. But just because I have all the time in the world to meet a sparks man who am also compatable with on a deeper level, the OP has every reason to give things a go Just be mindful thought... It is common for people who lack the sparks to, after a year or more, break it off lamenting " I love you but I am not in love with you...I don't feel head over heels for you the way I have others " I know I would rather not accept that I feel less in love and not head over heels at all because I HAVE felt these things before and just don't enjoy a relationship without these sparks. I enjoy being single more than I do in a no sparks relationship. Sparks rarely grow with me. And the sparks that did grow from nothing still werent as intense_ I still wasn't as in love with the slow burning sparks guys as I was immediate sparks guys. There are far more people that don't need immediate sparks in order to have a happy relationship than there are weridos like me....... And there are people who can feel just as strongly for non sparks people as they do sparks people.
Leigh 87 Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 IMO everybody who wants to find true love needs to stop worrying about BIG SPARKS as long as they are drawn to a person enough to truly want to see them more! If you don't, though, just forget it! Nobody knows how love grows, it's a big mystery, if you have many preconceived notions from movies, Walt Disney, porn or whatever you are likely going to be standing alone fantasizing while other people are open to maybe something happening in a way they weren't expecting! :bunny: Waiting for someone you're excited about and immediately attracted to AS OPPOSED to forcing yourself to date people you're not excited about and you're totally apathetic about seeing, isn't something from Disny; wanting to be excited and giddy about a first date isn't Disny or a fairlytale or " something from porn " Some people just don't feel like dating people who don't do anything for them. They would rather be friends. If it grows from friendship great I have personally never been averse or closed off to love blossoming from friendship.......... And yet it never has from people I had no sparks with. People are wired differently.......... Some people just cannot feel the romance strongly enough for people they initialy had no sparks with. It just doesn't grow into romance for some.. I am cold and closed off to feeling feelings for men. So for me personally, I actually do need a ZING, a JOLT, a little bit of excitement for me to even WANT to date a guy because otherwise I feel absolutely nothing at all and just dont need a partner enough to want to force myself to date a guy who I feel nothing for. More cold and stand offish people like me happen to need a little "more " just to feel the same desires and romantic notions as more emotional people who feels things easier. Once I spark I feel things. The absense if a spark for me has just never led to me feeling anything at all. We are all different and it doesn't mean I just want to have sex and that I want some unrealistic fairy tale....... A spark and needing a bit of a spark in order to want to date someone isn't some weird defective idea.
Rejected Rosebud Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 Waiting for someone you're excited about and immediately attracted to AS OPPOSED to forcing yourself to date people you're not excited about and you're totally apathetic about seeing, isn't something from Disny; wanting to be excited and giddy about a first date isn't Disny or a fairlytale or " something from porn " I did NOT say to date people you are "totally apathetic about seeing," in fact I said exactly THE OPPOSITE!! What I said: as long as they are drawn to a person enough to truly want to see them more! If you don't, though, just forget it! To clarify, if you don't feel interested, do NOT see them! OTOH if you ARE interested buy maybe your underpants stayed on when you met them, you might be messing yourself up by not seeing them anymore just because you didn't have a brain aneurism at first meeting!! I think it's disneyesque because a person might be passing up a greater love because of being stuck on superficial and unrealistic first impressions
Leigh 87 Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 I did NOT say to date people you are "totally apathetic about seeing," in fact I said exactly THE OPPOSITE!! What I said: as long as they are drawn to a person enough to truly want to see them more! If you don't, though, just forget it! To clarify, if you don't feel interested, do NOT see them! OTOH if you ARE interested buy maybe your underpants stayed on when you met them, you might be messing yourself up by not seeing them anymore just because you didn't have a brain aneurism at first meeting!! I think it's disneyesque because a person might be passing up a greater love because of being stuck on superficial and unrealistic first impressions My version of a spark isn't akin to a brain explosion. And how about people like me who have tried to date guys we didn't feel immediate sparks with and have given many of these guys a chance? Some people have given guys they didnt spark with a chance and just never seem to grow to feel strongly about non sparks guys. It is the reality for some women. If we don't feel sparks and romance from the get go webjust never seem to feel it later on and the one time I did it was severaly watered down compared to sparks men. Some of us have tried dating without immediate sparks and those guys didn't work out any better for us than the men we sparked with and actually felt excited about.............. 1
Author Yummm Posted August 11, 2015 Author Posted August 11, 2015 Thanks for the debate guys, very interesting! Regarding the original question, I guess we'll just have to see how it goes. I didn't 'expect sparks' from our initial meeting, nor do I think i'm looking to settle down anytime soon, I am simply comparing the initial meeting with this lady to my ex (which is probably not a good thing to do). With my ex I felt the 'sparks' that Leigh is talking about, I instantly felt sexually attracted to her, I wanted to get to know this girl and get her to like me (which was amazing because she already did as we had the MUTUAL attraction). I was dying to kiss her again after our first date. With this girl, it's alot more mature, we have been chatting for a while before the initial meetup, we get along, have funny banter, laugh, all of this without any magical 'spark' that I had previously. With that said, I still find her attractive and would like to kiss her, so there is something there. I'll update you as soon as I finish the next date! 1
Rejected Rosebud Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 My version of a spark isn't akin to a brain explosion. I have read alot of your posts and to me it seems like yes, it is. Very extreme sparks you describe!! And how about people like me who have tried to date guys we didn't feel immediate sparks with and have given many of these guys a chance? Leigh 87 I am not trying to convince YOU of anything, I am sure you are never going to change, I am talking to the OP here. I believe that as we go along in life we are likely to miss out on all kinds of wonderful if we are stuck in our preconceived notions so this is what I want to communicate to the OP.
Leigh 87 Posted August 16, 2015 Posted August 16, 2015 I have read alot of your posts and to me it seems like yes, it is. Very extreme sparks you describe!! Leigh 87 I am not trying to convince YOU of anything, I am sure you are never going to change, I am talking to the OP here. I believe that as we go along in life we are likely to miss out on all kinds of wonderful if we are stuck in our preconceived notions so this is what I want to communicate to the OP. Hang on. My version of sparks are that of immediate chemistry. That is hardly a brain explosion. Plus I know couples who started out with strong and intense chemistry so it certainly is not a fairlytale for two people to fall head over heels ( as opposed to more quietly in love) How is getting giddy with excitement over a new date unrealistic ? It happens. Often. At least half the couples out there started out with the big spark. If the OP is young and doesn't have a biological click ticking well he has already admitted to PREFERING to be smitten with a new date to the more watered down " ho hum " feeling. I hate to say it but ALL the attractive people I know who happen to also have good personalities, they ALL had the instant spark thing happening. Because they were attractive people with enough attention from the opposite sex for them to AFFORD that choice of " instant big sparks " versus " slow burn, lukewarm beginnings" Evey person I have ever met who had enough options to choose a big spark over more lukewarm beginnings ALL chose a spark. Bypassing the limerence and super lusty phase is something people accept when they don't get to date the people they feel really into. Some people can fall just as hard for a person SANS spark: most people I have met cannot. The people they had big sparks with were the people they loved the most intensely long term. Look it up. At least anecdotally, there are far more instances of low or no initial sparks leaving to great marriages that lack the passion they had with their prior sparks partners. And those with the most passionate marriages ( in terms of sexual intensity) usually started out with a hang. This is just from reading about this crap for a year or two on a daily basis. I could be wrong!
Yksik Posted October 13, 2015 Posted October 13, 2015 How did it all go? I'm in the same situation right now and I think my feelings are up and down with that man. We've been kind of dating for a half a year now. There defenetly is no limerence there from my part, but I'm feeling that safe kind of happiness... I've thought about ending it SO many times and right now I'm glad I didn't - the more I get to know him, the more I think It could work long term... I don't want to feel limerence anymore, I want real deep peaceful love.
Author Yummm Posted October 13, 2015 Author Posted October 13, 2015 How did it all go? I'm in the same situation right now and I think my feelings are up and down with that man. We've been kind of dating for a half a year now. There defenetly is no limerence there from my part, but I'm feeling that safe kind of happiness... I've thought about ending it SO many times and right now I'm glad I didn't - the more I get to know him, the more I think It could work long term... I don't want to feel limerence anymore, I want real deep peaceful love. It didn't end too well, sorry I can't give you any better news, but hey, if you're not feeling it and you're just feeling comfortable and safe then you're settling. That's not fair for either of you. Continuation to this story was here - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/543277-hot-cold-help-2.html
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