Yummm Posted August 16, 2015 Posted August 16, 2015 (edited) So just a little question about what to do, I can't really read into these games properly.. I'm inexperienced in the dating field so some mature advice would be appreciated. Been chatting to a girl for about 2 months - went on my travels and came back after staying in contact during holiday. We agreed to cut down the texting once i'm back from travels as it was getting pretty intense (alot of sexting and lengthy deep conversations.. yes, I know this was silly) and we would meet in person and continue from there. I met her last Sunday, she was lovely, we got on great and had a laugh. She seemed very keen and wanted to see me again. There were alot of arm touches, leaning on my shoulder, smiling and gazing into my eyes, all signs that the date was going well. That night we continued speaking on skype and she told me how great it was to meet me, she can't wait to see me again etc. The next day I asked her if she was free to see me this week, which she wasn't, she said she had alot going on at work and had her sisters engagement aswell. That was fine with me, I said let me know when you're free. During the week she was being very cold, one word answers and after a few days of this I did ask her about it. I asked if she could tell me if this wasn't working for her i'd appreciate that. She called me up and got quite upset upset at that! I apologized and everything went back to normal and seemed fine. She told me she really wants to see me, she's just got a really hectic week and weekend and needs to sort things out. I said 'sure, i'm here if you need anything, let me know when you're free' and she really liked that. This weekend I messaged her in the morning wishing her a great weekend, she didn't respond until 1am the morning after, saying she wants to talk to me about her long tiring week. I listened for a while, then told her I was with some friends and I had to head off for the night, i'd speak to her about it in the morning. She replied with 'no don't go'. I asked her if everything is okay and she just ignored the message, I followed up the day after and she just brushes it off, once again giving me one word answers and not interacting in conversation. Fact of the matter is that I'm getting bored and frustrated. I know most of you will say just move on and get on with it, which I will, but i'd really like to know what she's playing at? Either she's interested and playing games or she's just becoming disinterested? It doesn't make sense to me. Don't want to get wrong signals and miss an opportunity if i'm being silly and overthinking, that's why I ask! Some added info: She was always a big texter, i'm not. She used to spam me with long messages and initiated contact most of the time. Edited August 16, 2015 by Yummm
d0nnivain Posted August 16, 2015 Posted August 16, 2015 I can't tell anything from text so I might not be much help. It seems you are trying to get this relationship into the real world while she's still hiding behind a device. On that level alone you may be fundamentally incompatible. I'd call her on the phone using voice & set up another date. Talk to her about communications styles & your expectations. See if that changes things. I would take her at her word that work is busy & her sister's engagement has her running raged but you do need to be specific about what you want from her -- phone conversations, an in person date once per week etc. Do not make this about sex, yet. 1
Author Yummm Posted August 16, 2015 Author Posted August 16, 2015 I can't tell anything from text so I might not be much help. It seems you are trying to get this relationship into the real world while she's still hiding behind a device. On that level alone you may be fundamentally incompatible. I'd call her on the phone using voice & set up another date. Talk to her about communications styles & your expectations. See if that changes things. I would take her at her word that work is busy & her sister's engagement has her running raged but you do need to be specific about what you want from her -- phone conversations, an in person date once per week etc. Do not make this about sex, yet. Thank you d0n! I forgot to add that during the phone conversation where she got upset before I apologized and cleared the air, she told me "you are expecting too much, we've only seen eachother once so I found it so rude that you called me out saying something was wrong!" That shocked me a little, as I wasn't expecting anything apart from her to show some interest in somebody she is apparently really into rather than giving me nothing to work with for a week when she was so keen for the last month. So I am a little skeptical to give her a call and tell her about my expectations if I got that response last time! So far I've left it to her. Today we had minimal chat and she asks no questions, so I don't think i'll be responding until she shows some interest. If she's still the same this week and doesn't suggest a time to meet when she's free (as I pressured her twice last week about meeting me) I will assume that she's not interested and I'll call her and tell her it's not working. Does that sound fair?
d0nnivain Posted August 16, 2015 Posted August 16, 2015 Let me clarify. You call to set up the date. On the date in person where you can see the nonverbal clues you discuss expectations. You also have to find out what she wants & what her expectations are. I can see where she would be upset when you practically demanded that she tell you if she wants to break up. She had told you she was busy with work & the sister's engagement but even knowing that after 1 date & a few texts you were making her busy schedule all about her rejecting you. Chose your words wisely when you do speak. If you'd rather back off to see if she comes to you, that is a valid strategy but in this case it might not work since she's already a bit miffed. Hence my suggestion: you call her. You set up a date. Then you do nothing in between except maybe a quick text the day before to confirm. It's a mix of both strategies. 3
carhill Posted August 16, 2015 Posted August 16, 2015 Yep, build intimacy by pressing flesh, not spewing electrons. Also, continue to meet and date other women. A compatible, attracted and attractive one may rise to the surface. People have personal lives and, generally, unless one has history with a particular person, that person is a stranger and dating is getting to know them and, if it works out, the person rises up the priority ladder over time. The way I read this is that she defined her boundary regarding your displeasure with her contact and you defined your boundary regarding being her sounding board. Consider those issues resolved, move on with life and ask her out on a date when you feel like it. The answer will be whatever it is, just like with the other women you're asking out. 1
Author Yummm Posted August 16, 2015 Author Posted August 16, 2015 (edited) Let me clarify. You call to set up the date. On the date in person where you can see the nonverbal clues you discuss expectations. You also have to find out what she wants & what her expectations are. I can see where she would be upset when you practically demanded that she tell you if she wants to break up. She had told you she was busy with work & the sister's engagement but even knowing that after 1 date & a few texts you were making her busy schedule all about her rejecting you. Chose your words wisely when you do speak. If you'd rather back off to see if she comes to you, that is a valid strategy but in this case it might not work since she's already a bit miffed. Hence my suggestion: you call her. You set up a date. Then you do nothing in between except maybe a quick text the day before to confirm. It's a mix of both strategies. Appreciate it, I get where I could have been abit too forward, although in my defense her actions were very strange, especially after being so forward and keen previously for the past month. I'm going to leave it for today, if there's no response from her i'll give a call tomorrow and ask to set up a date. I still feel that she should be the one to reschedule as I have asked her twice last week to let me know when she's free. @Carhill - cheers mate. I will have no problem moving onto the next, I just had another connection with this one and don't want this to be a wasted opportunity if I decide to blow things out of proportion too soon. Edited August 16, 2015 by Yummm
aloneinaz Posted August 16, 2015 Posted August 16, 2015 Yumm- Here's my thoughts. When I was single and dating, I would NEVER waste excess time and energy in texting or communicating with someone before I met them. Occasionally I would connect with someone OLD who only wanted to be texting pals and not commit right away to meeting. When this happened, I'd vanish. I didn't want to waste my time. The norm for me when dating was to connect with someone OLD. Exchanges some emails and then text. If I like what she had to say, I'd call her to see if I liked them on the phone. If I did, I'd ask them out during the call. In almost all cases, a date would be lined up in the next few days. I'd have LC until I met them on the date. There are single people out there who only want to have a texting buddy and someone to BS with. I wasn't looking for a new texting pal. I was looking to meet someone who wanted to meet/date and see where it would go. In your case, I think you spent far too much time and energy w/her before ever meeting her in person. You clearly got emotionally invested with her before you met. She's now demonstrating that she's not interested and you should stop contact with her and move on to someone who's serious about dating and spending time face to face. 1
Gaeta Posted August 16, 2015 Posted August 16, 2015 She has another prospect and is giving you just enough to keep you on the hook. If I was very interested in a man and he'd point to me I have been pretty quiet lately I would never go ape-shyt on him. I would go: Oh really? I am sorry I did not realize. I have been busy though but things are getting back to normal'. She went busurk on you to turn the table on you to better hide her game.
Author Yummm Posted August 16, 2015 Author Posted August 16, 2015 Az my man! I was waiting for your response! Yeah, I know I made that mistake, I'm not even a big texter so this was foreign to me! I did emotionally invest, not as much as you probably think, but it was nice to have some distraction after my previous story as you know. Do you genuinely think asking her for a date next week is a waste? I don't feel like I have anything to lose personally... She hasn't shown complete disinterest, as there are random times where she wants to talk and says she wants to see me. More like hot and cold treatment.
Gaeta Posted August 16, 2015 Posted August 16, 2015 People have their texting style. There is not a 'normal' amount of texting. Some like it a lot, some like it minimal. What you need to pay attention to is the change in pattern. If this girl had always been a minimal texter than it's not big deal but a big texter that goes suddenly quiet and they goes ape-shyt on you? nah, something is up 2
Author Yummm Posted August 16, 2015 Author Posted August 16, 2015 People have their texting style. There is not a 'normal' amount of texting. Some like it a lot, some like it minimal. What you need to pay attention to is the change in pattern. If this girl had always been a minimal texter than it's not big deal but a big texter that goes suddenly quiet and they goes ape-shyt on you? nah, something is up Thank you Gaeta So you too think I shouldn't bother asking her for a date next week? Should I just go silent? Just to elaborate we did make it clear that texting should be cut down because it was getting intense.
carhill Posted August 16, 2015 Posted August 16, 2015 IMO, Gaeta has some good insight. That's why I mentioned to continue to ask out and date other women. When I was dating, I expected women to be dating and having sex with other men because, well, in my generation, that's how things went. It was normal. Women were pursued by, and accepted dates with, many men and some of those men became sexual partners, this back before AIDS hit in the 80's. There was always another guy 'on the hook'. Over time, for some, one man rose to the top. For the men, same. They dated as many women as would have them. The women would 'go cold' when their attentions and feelings of the moment were directed to another man, or their husband if they were married and having affairs. Common stuff. Unremarkable. I did find it confusing for a few years but by my mid-20's had it figured out. Shotgun approach and don't take early interactions seriously and avoid early emotional attachments. Pull back a bloody stump often enough and one gets the message. Good luck! 1
Author Yummm Posted August 16, 2015 Author Posted August 16, 2015 It's a shame people can't be honest about their intentions... I'm always open! Anyhow thanks for the great responses. I do have another date set up with somebody else for next week, just not as excited as I was for this lady to be honest haha!
Gaeta Posted August 16, 2015 Posted August 16, 2015 Thank you Gaeta So you too think I shouldn't bother asking her for a date next week? Should I just go silent? Just to elaborate we did make it clear that texting should be cut down because it was getting intense. Yes you can ask her out for next week. A little bit of competition should not scare you at this point you only saw her once. But in this particular case here I really don't like the attitude she gave you over the phone. It was not justified. I would be turned off by someone popping a vein at me.
Author Yummm Posted August 16, 2015 Author Posted August 16, 2015 So she messaged me again, and I asked if I can call her. Going to call her in a couple of hours and ask to set up this date
Versacehottie Posted August 16, 2015 Posted August 16, 2015 Yumm- Here's my thoughts. When I was single and dating, I would NEVER waste excess time and energy in texting or communicating with someone before I met them. I agree with 100% with this part of what aloneinaz says. For 100 reasons. Not only because of the texting buddy thing; I think guys make too much of that as "the answer". The biggest problem is that if you've gone into depth conversation-wise and sexted and stuff, the in-person date is going to seem like a let down in comparison. You may not have as much to talk about or discover since you've done all that talking via text, phone or email. If you build the connection in person, you will attribute it to the date and the person themselves. Therefore, leave some mystery so you can build momentum on the date not have it fizzle out because of the date. That's just a good rule of thumb. Ok, as far as OP's question. Very hard to tell with this girl. I feel for you. She is giving off major mixed signals. Here's the only thing that seem to stand out as something I could place my finger on. I think if she is a big texter and initiator of texting whereas you are not, she may just think these deep texts are routine and not read too much into them. Whereas you because they are out of your norm, think they mean you have a bigger connection then she actually means. The frequency and depth are misleading, which match with when she kinda reprimanded you that you just started dating and you are expecting too much. I would go off that statement. It's not fair to you exactly because prior to that her texts and sexting would seem to indicate MORE but think this is how she operates and what she means. Pull back. Act casual. Let her set the pace. She should be worried that her reaction is a red flag to you anyway so don't act like it isn't by kissing her ass. Good luck. 2
aloneinaz Posted August 16, 2015 Posted August 16, 2015 As Carhill stated, NEVER put all your apples in one basket!! I did the same as him. I wanted 3-4 gals "on the line" to date. If I only had one? Guess what? I'd massively overthink everything interaction, text, call, etc.. With several girls that I was dating, it was much easier to not get emotionally attached to any of them. When I met my now 2 year GF, I was dating two other ones that I didn't think had any potential for LT. The more I dated my GF, the more I wanted to spend time with her only. After a few weeks, it was apparent that we both REALLY dug each other. I then stopped dating the others and spent my time w/her. Here's how I'd handle this girl you posted about. I'd back way off. I agree with Greta that she's dating others too. Let her instigate the majority of the convo. Don't always be available to communicate with her either. If she thinks you're sitting around HOPING she'll text you and then you text with her until she's done, you're not a challenge. Some will construe what I'm saying as "playing games" but in reality, sometimes you have to do this as long as you don't get carried away. If you fell compelled to ask her out one final time, do it. But, then go LC until you have the date (if she accepts). In the mean time, keep getting more gals on the line to date and spend time with. When you find one that rocks your world, focus on her if the feelings mutual. 1
Author Yummm Posted August 16, 2015 Author Posted August 16, 2015 Solid advice guys, really makes sense! @Versache - I completely get the mistake I made with texting, I didn't expect it to go this far. With regards to her being a big texter, yes, but her opening up to me about everything isn't her 'normal' way of texting. It took me a while to get her comfortable with me and eventually open up. At this point she was waaaay more forward, telling me 'how am i going to keep you off my mind whilst your away?' 'can we still chat so we can see eachother when you're back?', taking every little thing i said so seriously and valued my opinion way too much! This kind of freaked me out at first but I can't lie I enjoyed the attention (as I've been recovering from a breakup) and it seemed to grow on me. Whilst I type this she is now going back to spamming me with messages, asking me about my weekend and what she should cook for dinner, even though I told her i'll call her at 9pm, so it's very strange! Anyway, like I said, i'm going to give her a call in a couple hours, i'll update you guys. Thanks for the solid advice, I do have other girls in the pipeline, also have another date this week, but i'm just more into this girl as it stands
Versacehottie Posted August 16, 2015 Posted August 16, 2015 Solid advice guys, really makes sense! @Versache - I completely get the mistake I made with texting, I didn't expect it to go this far. With regards to her being a big texter, yes, but her opening up to me about everything isn't her 'normal' way of texting. It took me a while to get her comfortable with me and eventually open up. At this point she was waaaay more forward, telling me 'how am i going to keep you off my mind whilst your away?' 'can we still chat so we can see eachother when you're back?', taking every little thing i said so seriously and valued my opinion way too much! This kind of freaked me out at first but I can't lie I enjoyed the attention (as I've been recovering from a breakup) and it seemed to grow on me. Well maybe she just got caught up with the things she was saying. I don't think you can know that she was "serious" about it. Some girls do this. To get themselves into the game, ie either A) get your attention on high so that THEN she can decide if she likes you or not. The words aren't quite real; they do it backwards. Act overly into it, act serious and commit so that then they can see what they will decide. B)Mean it when they say it but easily have dating ADD and jump to other priorities and perhaps people just as easily and then back to you. Hence the texting today. I think she senses you pulling away and wants back in the game. I wouldn't take ANY of it seriously just yet. She very well could be emotional, drama, game player and her words mean little. Actions mean everything. You said it yourself. You were enjoying the attention off of your breakup. She was enjoying the attention of having you fall into her trap and being enticed by her. Take it with a grain of salt at this point. See what happens next; don't put too much weight onto anything she does until she proves herself a lot. Good luck 1
Author Yummm Posted August 16, 2015 Author Posted August 16, 2015 So I just got off the phone with her. It was a nice chat, during the whole chat she kept saying 'i'll tell you about that when i next see you, remind me to show you that when i see you' so she pretty much made it clear that she still wants to meet up. I asked her if she's free this week and she said Wednesday night is good for her (this is the night that i'm going on a date with somebody else). So we agreed that this weekend is good. Thanks for all the advice guys, i'll keep it LC until then, whilst taking all your advice and not investing into much and over analyzing our conversations! 1
Author Yummm Posted August 23, 2015 Author Posted August 23, 2015 So we had a nice date but decided we'd stay friends. Later that evening she then called me up all sad and confused saying that she really likes me but the only reason she decided to stay friends was because she thought I became disinterested and didn't make her feel 'special' by only dating her (as I was open about dating others as I was told by HER to take a step back)...... Very very confusing, but that's the update! Thank you for the advice guys!
KatZee Posted August 23, 2015 Posted August 23, 2015 (edited) So we had a nice date but decided we'd stay friends. Later that evening she then called me up all sad and confused saying that she really likes me but the only reason she decided to stay friends was because she thought I became disinterested and didn't make her feel 'special' by only dating her (as I was open about dating others as I was told by HER to take a step back)...... Very very confusing, but that's the update! Thank you for the advice guys! Cop out. She just wasn't into you. It had nothing to do with you not making her feel "special." If she was super into you, she'd be trying to make you more interested. She told you to step back, and now she just wants to be friends. Classic let down. For future reference, ANYONE pulling a hot and cold, IS NOT INTO YOU. It really is this simple. It doesn't matter what the situation is, what the story is, if the person is male, or female. If they're hot and cold, they are not sure, you're a back up. Details don't matter. Edited August 23, 2015 by KatZee
Author Yummm Posted August 23, 2015 Author Posted August 23, 2015 Yeah I agree. I was actually the one who instigated being friends as I wasn't feeling the sexual spark after the second date. She agreed but seemed upset that's all, then followed by the call later that evening got me confused. Thanks for the input!
katiegrl Posted August 23, 2015 Posted August 23, 2015 So we had a nice date but decided we'd stay friends. Later that evening she then called me up all sad and confused saying that she really likes me but the only reason she decided to stay friends was because she thought I became disinterested and didn't make her feel 'special' by only dating her (as I was open about dating others as I was told by HER to take a step back)...... Very very confusing, but that's the update! Thank you for the advice guys! This kills me.... SHE tells you to take a step back, which you do, then announces you didn't make her feel *special*....and assumed you lost interest. What a load of crap. Your response should have been "well the feeling was mutual darlin... all the more reason why it's best we go separate ways. Wish you the best, good luck." I would not even bother being friends. Just more drama... Just next her, she sounds like she doesn't know what the hell she wants.
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