I let go [update]

[sacg]

Hey Luke. Just dropped by. Its push/pull dude, white/black, ego stroking and just plain manipulative behaviour! Let her go...

 

Man, get to BPD Family site, as i recommended before, get on the leaving forum. It will help a bunch man, and explain a lot of the wtf's, and why's in your head. Also prepare you for future expectations from this r/s, cause im guessing she aint done yet!

[sacg]

I know Oregon. I couldn't help but feel she wanted something more by wanting to come over. My common sense, my gut, tells me it's over. I just can't wrap my head around how she can be so cruel.

 

Trust that gut instinct man, never lets you down. I didnt, and I knew at the time i should have. And dont try and work out their actions. Mine seemed terrible cruel, disconnected, harsh and spiteful. Again, BPD Family will explain all this to you. There are people going through what you are with someone that possibly has a PD. That changes the game man, trust me.

 

 

I envy you that she just broke it off. At least it's closure.

 

Closure?? LOL, sorry to laugh mate, but you probably aint gonna get any closure either way. And my PBPDgf broke it off, pulled the trigger before i did, fear of abandonment and all that. And i still aint got closure, and most likely never will.

 

Good riddance, im getting stronger and Im coming out the FOG. You will too bro. Stay strong. Keep safe.

[sacg]

You need to man up about this. Feel your feelings tonight, and wake up a new man tomorrow. Don't be such a girl about this. It's over, she's not the person she was, or was pretending to be. Pick yourself up, realize your value, and get angry.

 

Great advice, I needed this weeks ago. Take it on board bro. Read it when you feel weak.

[Oregon_Dude]

Luke, listen to sacg. I have my very strong suspicions that my ex is a person with BPD, or at least she exhibits many of the traits. And I too joined the BPD Family community recently.

 

I'll never know if she actually has BPD, but many of the tendencies are there - self-harming, idealization/devaluation, abandonment during childhood, issues with eating, drugs and spending.

 

You will never get closure from this woman, and trying to analyze her actions is a fruitless endeavor. Getting over a pwBPD is tough, as their actions make absolutely zero sense. NC is often the best way to go.

 

I am still in a bit of shock that mine has totally left me alone without any seeming regard for my feelings. Whatever. She is always right, takes zero responsibility for the goings on in her life, and jumps from person to person, in both romantic and friend relationships.

 

Good luck to all of us.

[sacg]

Luke, listen to sacg. I have my very strong suspicions that my ex is a person with BPD, or at least she exhibits many of the traits. And I too joined the BPD Family community recently.

 

Really, username??? LOL, joke.

 

I'll never know if she actually has BPD, but many of the tendencies are there - self-harming, idealization/devaluation, abandonment during childhood, issues with eating, drugs and spending.

 

You will never know, but we all "knew" in our gut something wasnt quite right. And not ALL BPD's self harm, have major childhood truama or are too out of control. hf (high functioning) can almost carry it off as normal, even very well connected outside r/s's, in fact to everyone but those they are getting very close.

 

You will never get closure from this woman, and trying to analyze her actions is a fruitless endeavor. Getting over a pwBPD is tough, as their actions make absolutely zero sense. NC is often the best way to go.

 

Hence the reasoning for me to push him towards BPDFamily. Loveshack is great, helped me last time out, but some things need a little more speciality. Dealing with a break up is bad enough, dealing with a break up from a poss BPD is crazy. You question your own sanity, you keep getting recycled, you lose more self esteem. At BPD Fam man, youll get the experience and support you will welcome. Trust me. Youve just gone NC, its easy at first. Give it a few days and you'll be pining. Got to BPDfamily.com. :-)

 

I am still in a bit of shock that mine has totally left me alone without any seeming regard for my feelings. Whatever. She is always right, takes zero responsibility for the goings on in her life, and jumps from person to person, in both romantic and friend relationships.

 

They are not in reality dude, as you know. You are back or white, there or not. It tears me up to bro, how she could NEVER apologise, NEVER talk about anything, NEVER take responsibility, ALWAYS cause the dramas. Yet i deserved to be dumped and ignored. It was all my fault! Im a loser, End of......

[Oregon_Dude]

Really, username??? LOL, joke.

 

not ALL BPD's self harm, have major childhood truama or are too out of control. hf (high functioning) can almost carry it off as normal, even very well connected outside r/s's, in fact to everyone but those they are getting very close.

 

They are not in reality dude, as you know. You are back or white, there or not. It tears me up to bro, how she could NEVER apologise, NEVER talk about anything, NEVER take responsibility, ALWAYS cause the dramas. Yet i deserved to be dumped and ignored. It was all my fault! Im a loser, End of......

I don't get the username thing. Mine or yours?

 

Btw, my ex was definitely high functioning. She also had issues from the past. She's a sweet girl and I loved a lot of things about her. But ultimately she wasn't able to love the way I needed her to.

 

I'm out of sight, out of mind at this point. Even if she thought she made a mistake, she'd never admit it, because she is that f*cking stubborn and always, always thinks she is 100% in the right. I can't STAND people who think they're perfect.

[sacg]

I don't get the username thing. Mine or yours?

 

Lost in text dude. I was surprised you were on BPDfamily. Asked who you was? hehe

[Draper]

Luke, listen to sacg. I have my very strong suspicions that my ex is a person with BPD, or at least she exhibits many of the traits. And I too joined the BPD Family community recently.

 

I'll never know if she actually has BPD, but many of the tendencies are there - self-harming, idealization/devaluation, abandonment during childhood, issues with eating, drugs and spending.

 

You will never get closure from this woman, and trying to analyze her actions is a fruitless endeavor. Getting over a pwBPD is tough, as their actions make absolutely zero sense. NC is often the best way to go.

 

I am still in a bit of shock that mine has totally left me alone without any seeming regard for my feelings. Whatever. She is always right, takes zero responsibility for the goings on in her life, and jumps from person to person, in both romantic and friend relationships.

 

Good luck to all of us.

 

Jeeze, you know my situation from my thread... sounds eerily similar to how my ex was. Everything was my fault. Never willing to talk about anything. Always starting the fights and the dramas.

 

Best of luck, Luke.

[Oregon_Dude]

Lost in text dude. I was surprised you were on BPDfamily. Asked who you was? hehe

Oh! I'm Oregoneon. I'm just a lurker, haven't made a single post. You? Feel free to PM me if you prefer.

[Luke22]

Had a rough time last night and into today. Sad mostly. Like many of us, combing over everything in my head to see what went wrong and why it ended. I've spent several hours over the last day thinking about these things. Waste of time. It doesn't matter. It wouldn't change a thing.

 

Do i really want all my questions answered? No. The ones that were answered only created many more. I have to remind myself that it is over and these moments spent on trying to diagnose the problems are simply a waste of time.

 

If I'm going to be honest, we were not a match. Not that the whole relationship was a scam, we had many a great time. We also had many, many difficult times. I'm also being honest with myself that this year was 70% angst.

 

It had to end. That doesn't make the process any less painful.

[Oregon_Dude]

Sup, friend?

 

Dude, we all do this. It's normal, natural, and dare I say, even healthy to a point to replay the r/s, wonder what went wrong, and how you could have fixed it. You'd be abnormal not to do this. Just be careful that it doesn't turn into obsessive rumination.

 

You're doing fine man. You've got a good head on your shoulders, a big heart and a bright future ahead of you. Be glad that you loved and had the guts to put yourself out there. There will be other women, just gotta take the time to rebuild your life and your self-esteem. We're all here for ya.

[Luke22]

Thanks Oregon. I agree, it's a fine line between reflection and obsessive rumination. At this point, I'm just letting myself feel all these different emotions.

 

If these thoughts interfere with my day to day functions, then I'll need to consider them boarder line rumination. And that, my friend, is not healthy. I agree.

 

All still new. Licking my wounds. Some days I'm angry, some days other feelings come in waves. I'm thankful that "hate" isn't something I've experienced. That would neither be healthy nor productive.

[Oregon_Dude]

Dude, I'm 2 months out of a 4 months r/s and STILL have a tough time some days. I feel like I should be progressing better, but it's these 'shoulds' that add unnecessary judgment to my healing/lack of healing.

 

It's especially tough when the r/s was short-term but the level of love and emotions was HIGH. Add to that the fact that the ex possibly has a personality disorder, and well, these types of breakups are tougher to recover from than the typical, "well, we just drifted apart" types of normal person things.

[Liono84]

Dude, I'm 2 months out of a 4 months r/s and STILL have a tough time some days. I feel like I should be progressing better, but it's these 'shoulds' that add unnecessary judgment to my healing/lack of healing.

 

It's especially tough when the r/s was short-term but the level of love and emotions was HIGH. Add to that the fact that the ex possibly has a personality disorder, and well, these types of breakups are tougher to recover from than the typical, "well, we just drifted apart" types of normal person things.

 

It's weird, man. My prior R/S before my current ex was for 2.5 years. She broke up with me and although I did have a hard time the first month and a half, it was okay after that. Part of the reason was because we weren't compatible and in the back of my head I always knew I could do better. I would often times wonder about us working out in the long haul, but she pulled the trigger. I think the biggest adjustment for me at the time was learning how to be single again and reconnecting with friends, more so than anything else.

 

With my current breakup, it only last for almost about a year and it was a LDR. (However, because we talked on the phone skyped and texted every day along w/ visitng one another for a week straight every 2 months, I didn't feel the distance as much as others make it out of be a factor). But I'm taking this one much, much harder, and that's an understatement. I really felt like this was "the one" and I didn't even give a F#@K to even think about other girls. I may find a better looking girl, but I have serious doubts I will find a more compatible partner and that kills me.

 

I think the longevity of a R/S doesn't have anything to do with how a dumpee moves on post-breakup. It's the love that was there between the two. There are some couples who have been together for a long time, but there is a serious lack of affection and compatibility that has developed over time. They stick together for several reasons, most common being that both feel that they can't do any better or they're too comfortable to get out of it. I also feel as though longevity of a R/S has nothing to do with reconciliation odds. Sometimes, you can breakup with a person who you've been with for a very long time, and although common sense would point to having higher odds in getting back to together, that's not necessarily true, since you know the other person through and through and have exhausted all efforts. Whereas, with someone who you haven't been with the longest of time, there is always that "what if" factor....

 

This is just from my point of view from what I've experienced.....

Edited October 7, 2015 by Liono84

[Oregon_Dude]

With my current breakup, it only last for almost about a year and it was a LDR. (However, because we talked on the phone skyped and texted every day along w/ visitng one another for a week straight every 2 months, I didn't feel the distance as much as others make it out of be a factor). But I'm taking this one much, much harder, and that's an understatement. I really felt like this was "the one" and I didn't even give a F#@K to even think about other girls. I may find a better looking girl, but I have serious doubts I will find a more compatible partner and that kills me.

Word. My ex and I were LDR for a good portion of our r/s. We talked every. single. day, often for hours on the phone. We were in constant contact, between texts and phone convos. We shared every single g*ddamn thing. It got deep. I really did love her. A lot. Like you, I was sure this was the one, the one I always wanted. Things were so comfortable and easy and natural. And I still don't know why it ended and I will never know. They say closure is a myth and I believe them. But I also know that what happened in my r/s was the opposite of closure. All I have is a broken heart and unanswered questions.

 

The one thing I hear from everyone on here is what you said: that you don't think you'll ever find a connection as real and true as the one you had with her. However, having gone on many dates in the last two months, I can attest to the fact that women are generally the same. Not in a negative way - at least that's not how I mean it this time - but that flirtation and chemistry are possible with a great number of people. You also have to remember than the connection you felt with the ex was a product of time spent together, shared thoughts and constant communication. Therefore, it is only logical to reason that if you spend enough time and share enough stuff with the NEXT person, you will also find them to be unique and irreplaceable.

 

I will say that there are certain THINGS about my ex that I will never have in a r/s again... such as her total kinkiness and twisted, dark sense of humor. However, I'll say it again: I would rather have a less kinky partner in bed who treats me well and isn't a fickle child, than a sex queen who is totally crazy and treats partners like they are disposable at any given whim.

 

My point is that if my ex and your ex and everyone's ex is so special, then none of them really are; what they are is essentially a composite of time spent and emotion invested. Hope this makes sense.

[Luke22]

Just shy of two weeks from the official break up. Should've been three, but that's another story.

 

Today I've decided to make a conscious effort to stop talking about her to anyone outside this forum. I made the mistake of discussing her several times this week (well intentioned friends giving support), but it set me back. It's one thing to sign on here if I'm in a funk, need advice, want to vent...but that's different. When I'm on here, it's my downtime. It's the time I give myself permission to think about it.

 

When friends bring it up or I initiate it, it feels like I'm carrying around a ton of weight for the rest of the day. It's ruined a few outings for me already and is starting to have a negative impact on my days.

 

Only two weeks since BU, but this relationship has been on the rocks since December. I want to see myself in a much better place in 30 days. So, to be good to myself, as of today, I'm going to do my best to not mention her (unless I'm here), and if someone brings it up, I'm simply going to say I don't want to talk about it. If I want to talk about it, I'll come here.

 

Not sure if this is a good idea, but it's where I'm at. She is gone. The relationship is over. I don't to rehash it every moment of the day.

Edited October 7, 2015 by Luke22

[drseuss]

Your totaly right to do that , I was always blabbing on aboit my ex to my best friends and I was just winding my self up about it all , stopping talking about her all the time does help

 

Taking a day or two off here once in a while has been helpful too

[Luke22]

Thanks DrSuess.

[Luke22]

Good news, I have a date Sunday. She knows about the recent breakup and isn't looking for anything serious at the moment. I told her I wasn't in a position for anything more than dating at the moment.

 

Oddly, I'm excited. Been so long since I've had a real date. Looking forward to conversation and exploring a new person. Why should I sit around and feel badly for myself? I'm starting to feel better. Starting to workout again. A date would help me take my mind off things and just have a good time.

[Oregon_Dude]

Nice, dude! Enjoy it. Just a word to the wise going forward: don't mention the breakup to women. They will see you as not ready, damaged goods, etc. Maybe it's fine in this case, since she isn't looking for anything serious as you say, but it's generally a bad idea. I had to learn this the hard way last year.

 

Have fun!

[Luke22]

It has been four weeks since the breakup and NC. It was rough at the beginning. It wasn't until the last several days that I started to be honest with myself about the relationship and started to be honest with myself and reflected on its entirety.

 

 

In being honest with myself, we were not a match. We struggled for months before it finally ended. Before the breakup, the majority of our time was filled with angst, turmoil, fear, anxiety. After each time we met, I would feel this pit in my stomach that things were not going well. We were drifting as evidenced by decreasing contact, sex wasn't as "explosive", too many serious discussion and just a general drifting apart. I couldn't see this in the initial breakup. It's when I let myself be honest and reflect upon it that I was able to see it more objectively.

 

 

I also was careful not to let myself become consumed with sadness, anger, grief, playing the blame game. Sadness was something I had little control in. I felt enormous, crippling sadness for weeks. I genuinely missed her.

 

 

Today is four weeks. She is also on the vacation that we had planned to take together. I never thought I would arrive at this point, but I hope she has a good time.

Does she miss me? Does she think about me? Does she have regrets? I don't know. What I do know is answers to those questions would not help me heal.

 

 

What did I learn? Listen to my instincts. Do not lose myself in someone else (it is not fair to me nor is it fair to the person Im dating). Do not hang onto to a relationship that is toxic, causing both parties unnecessary periods of unhappiness.

 

 

When the grief started to pass, I kept busy. Took care of myself. Allowed myself to be unhappy. Reached out. Spent time here (sometimes hours per day). Most helpful was letting myself see the relationship with open eyes.

 

 

She is a good person. She deserves to be happy. I deserve to be happy. We simply were not a match. We tried too hard and too long.

 

 

I have started having long periods of indifference. I do not wonder what she is doing. I do not wonder who she is seeing. I no longer beat myself up for latching onto her at the end.

 

 

I do not hold any animosity for dumping me (I simply could not do it). She is not a bad person. Just because she fell out of love does not make her evil.

 

 

4 weeks. Hard work. Honesty. Tears. I'm much better. I can now say that I would not consider reconciliation. I can now realize that we were not a match. I am now able to find periods of happiness and laughter slowly creeping back into my life.

 

 

Sure, I accept that there will be waves of melancholy, but I'm ok with that. Its part of healing. I'm thankful for this site. The posts here made me take a hard look at reality and not lose myself in the end of a relationship.

 

 

Hard work. Honesty. Letting go. Moving forward. Lastly, I didn't love myself this summer...how would I expect someone else to love me? Love yourself first.

Edited October 22, 2015 by Luke22