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My ex slept with various guys while we were "broken up". What about our hints though?

charliebrownie

By charliebrownie
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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charliebrownie Member

charliebrownie

Posted
Posted

Hi guys,

 

Here is the story of my contradicted heart.

 

I dated this girl on and off for about a year and a half, then we broke up. I am the one who left her because I was always too focused on my career (lots of work, having to travel abroad from time to time, etc.). I thought it was not fair for her to be with someone that was not available as much as she wanted (her demands were considerably increasing and I just couldn't handle them and felt frustrated).

 

Even though my feelings were kind of fuzzy at the moment, I do know that I truly loved her and that it was mutual.

 

Anyway, we never really stopped talking (Fb, mails, etc.). About one month ago and a half ago -maybe a little more- we started giving each other hints, implying that we missed each other and wanted to see each other again, etc. For example, she asked me if I was seeing someone, or had been with someone else. I said, no. She said, "good, I would be so jealous if you did, I wouldn't want any other girl to have sex with you". I pretty much replied the same thing, embracing the whole thing with a little touch of cute humor, probably with a smiley and some cheesy message along.

 

Then, about three weeks ago. She invited me to her place. I prepared dinner, we drank wine and talked for a long time. It was a pretty lovely evening. We brought up cool stories about our relationship, told each other how much in love we had been (and still were) with one another. We held hands, tenderly hugged, kissed on the cheek and agreed to have another evening like that. Then I went home. It rather felt like we were wanting to take things slowly, which seemed fair enough. After all, I was the one who broke up in the first place, i was not going to push for anything or force things my way.

 

After that, we kept on sending each other cute messages ("thinking about you/ looking forward to see you again..." ). Then she told me she was going to spend a few days abroad with her friends, that she needed to relax. But we agreed to catch up again when she'd be back.

 

And so we did. She came back from her trip. We met, had dinner, talked a lot about our still existing feelings, and I told her I wanted to make things up, and that I was mad at myself for having left her. She was dubious, but still agreed to give me a second chance -albeit some of her friends had fiercely tried preventing her from doing so. Then we went to her place, had a drink, laughed some more and had great sex. This was like 4 days ago.

 

Yesterday we met again. And, I told her (kind of randomly) that I had the impression I had interrupted something in her life. Maybe she was seeing someone else or hooking up with someone? Maybe she would've wished that I didn't reappear "so soon" because she wanted to have a little more fun with some other guys? She answered me with a huge smile on her face that I was right. The smile of pure honesty, the smile of a playful child being busted by their gentle mom with their mouth full of candy. It had all just happened. It happened when she was abroad with her friends. Various times in just a few days, with totally random dudes she met at parties and all. So there I was, feeling like an ****. But hey, I asked for the truth and got it. Plus, after all, I had guessed right (I've always had some sort of sixth sense).

 

So, here's the thing. I know we weren't together. I know she didn't technically cheat on me, she didn't violate the rules of relationship because we weren't in a relationship. But still, we had been giving each other hints for a while. And she basically asked me almost two months ago not to see anyone else because that would drive her mad jealous... Did I overinterpret the hints? Is it really ok, and not that much of a deal, that she hooked up with about three guys in a few days, then invited me over for great sex and told me she still loved me?

 

I feel like my heart is broken. She says I shouldn't be jealous because we "hadn't signed" anything, and that she believed that I was never coming back to her so she had to allow herself to live... But what about our hints then?

 

What should I do? What are your views on this? Please, help me out!

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted

Intellectually you know she didn't cheat. Emotionally since she was with these guys after you started down the path of reconciliation I'd wonder about her commitment to you. I keep asking why now, especially since she previously admitted that she'd be upset if you were with another woman. If there is any hope of getting past this you need to talk to her. Only you know if you want to move forward.

  • Like 3
Gus Grimly Established Member

Gus Grimly

Posted
Posted

What should I do? What are your views on this? Please, help me out!

 

My Ex of 4 years is now in a romantic relationship with 2 men. This is only 3 weeks after she broke off our engagement. 1 of the men she's sleeping with was a hook up she made during a "break" we took 3 years ago. My Ex has been desperately trying to find hookups ever since the BU. She's a 35 years old mother acting like she's in her 20's. Discovering what a desperate floozy she's become only weeks after the BU was disheartening.

 

The point is: she's moved on and wants the attention and physical contact of, as it would seem, any man who gives her the time of day. That's her life and her choice. Nothing I can do but forget about her and our past. It's time to focus on myself and move forward. I deserve better and so do you. There's someone out there right now who will make us happier than we could have ever of hoped.

 

Take the Ex off the pedestal and put yourself up there for a while. :cool:

  • Like 4
central Established Member

central

Posted
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She was manipulating you to get you back while not having to give up her other sexual partners in the meantime in case you didn't work out. She'll probably do the same in the future, on other matters, and may well be able to rationalize cheating on you in the future.

 

I'd suggest breaking up for good this time and then find a woman with integrity.

  • Like 3
kendahke Established Member

kendahke

Posted
Posted
I know we weren't together.

I know she didn't technically cheat on me,

she didn't violate the rules of relationship because we weren't in a relationship.

 

Keep repeating this to yourself.

 

But still, we had been giving each other hints for a while.

 

That was not a contract or an agreement for fidelity. No declaration was made by either of you of your intention to reanimate your relationship before she left to go on holiday. You chose not to push for anything.

 

And she basically asked me almost two months ago not to see anyone else because that would drive her mad jealous... Did I overinterpret the hints? Is it really ok, and not that much of a deal, that she hooked up with about three guys in a few days, then invited me over for great sex and told me she still loved me?

 

My question is why you didn't ask her the same question she asked you? It would have alleviated all of this had you done it. You assumed one thing based on speculation when something completely different was afoot by fact.

 

Also, why would her friends go HAM on not giving you a second chance?

 

I feel like my heart is broken. She says I shouldn't be jealous because we "hadn't signed" anything, and that she believed that I was never coming back to her so she had to allow herself to live... But what about our hints then?

 

What should I do? What are your views on this? Please, help me out!

 

Her hints were not a contract for fidelity.

 

I'm quite sure it's hurtful that she proceeded as she did, but she wasn't under any obligations to act a certain way.

 

IMO, what you should do is to own that you left things pretty nebulous when she went on vacation. Hinting is not being direct and asking for what you wanted. If you did not make it clear to her when she left that you intended upon being a constant in her life, then perhaps this is something that you should work in on the future--to own your voice and speak up for what you intend and want.

 

If you can't abide that she, being free and not in a relationship with you, went and had herself some fun, then you need to leave her alone and get on with your life.

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Chi townD Established Member

Chi townD

Posted
Posted (edited)

Yet, another thread with miscommunications and "technicalities". She gave you the impression that you two were on the road to reconciliation and then she tells you that she's going away for a little bit. And in a few days time, she slept with several different guys several times. She comes back and tells you all about it. If I'm reading this correctly, I think that she enjoyed watching you squirm a little bit. I think she took some enjoyment out of it. She didn't want you to date anyone because it would make her "mad jealous". Yet, it's okay for her to sleep with 3-4 different guys and then tell YOU not to be jealous because you two "never signed" anything.

 

 

Let this one go. No she technically didn't cheat on you, be I think she mislead you with reconciliation. I think it's best for you to walk away before you get any further invested into this girl.

 

 

My advice is to walk away. This girl doesn't know what she wants out of life and I can probably say that she took away at least one or two of those guy's phone number. DO you want to be competing with these guys?

 

 

Go back to NC and find a girl that wants to settle down with one guy.

Edited by Chi townD
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PaperCrane Established Member

PaperCrane

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After having that kind of talk and those evenings together that to me signifies that something was remade, especially her comment about you with other women. Golden rule here, treat others yada yada. I would have assumed because of that, that she herself didn't want to do anything with another man. However, she did just play you, and did it rather well.

 

You opened up and became vulnerable after you broke up with her. She was feeling awful, as most dumpees do.

 

Her ego was getting stroked and you showed your belly when you took her 'jealousy' bait.

 

Now that she has you where you had her a little while ago, she now has all the power if you continue to pursue a relationship again. You will always remember that because it happened during a very emotional time in your life and in essence would become a building block to what you'd be making.

 

Do you really wanna remember a year from now "Oh I'm so glad I got back together with my ex after some sweet dates, and when she made me promise not to be with any other women, that was so cute. Oh and then she randomly banged a bunch of other dudes and I had to pry it out of her after playing around in those sloppy seconds! Yeah that was so swell."

 

I'd walk away again. That type of behavior to me is unappealing at best.

  • Like 4
Satu Established Member

Satu

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Posted

OP:

 

You just found out why so many people choose to go NC after a breakup.

 

One of the reasons is *to protect oneself from further hurt.*

 

 

 

Take care.

  • Like 4
ZiggyZoo Established Member

ZiggyZoo

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Posted

Even if you two were technically broken up, she KNEW she was hinting towards some sort of reconciliation and she KNEW you were interested. The fact that she'd treat your emotions and your heart so carelessly speaks measures about her character. You deserve to be with someone who shows at least a little bit of respect for your feelings. She's selfish as all hell, to say the least, and if you continue on with her, you'd have already let her know that you accept this type of behavior from her. Not worth it.

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organizedchaos Established Member

organizedchaos

Posted
Posted
Even if you two were technically broken up, she KNEW she was hinting towards some sort of reconciliation and she KNEW you were interested. The fact that she'd treat your emotions and your heart so carelessly speaks measures about her character. You deserve to be with someone who shows at least a little bit of respect for your feelings. She's selfish as all hell, to say the least, and if you continue on with her, you'd have already let her know that you accept this type of behavior from her. Not worth it.

 

Yep. She didn't cheat. There was no agreement but what she did do was pretty crappy and not very sincere. Take that as a measure of her character and maturity.

  • Like 5
jen1447 Established Member

jen1447

Posted
Posted

OP, this isn't ultimately about her, it's about you and your sensibilities. It bothers you. That's fine, and you don't have to defend or explain yourself, but neither does she. (We don't seem to often choose our sensibilities, they just are what they are, so trying to talk ourselves out of them is a fool's game.)

 

Bottom line is the values/sensibilities don't seem to match up and appear irreconcilable (think her delight at reflecting on the hookups and your torment in thinking about them), so ....there's probably someone better out there for each of you.

  • Like 5
Gus Grimly Established Member

Gus Grimly

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so ....there's probably someone better out there for each of you.

 

I "know" there is someone better out there.

 

Standards and self-respect still exist in this world. You just have to be aware that a lot of people who think they have standards don't necessarily act accordingly. They usually act out of lust and not love.

  • Like 4
elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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When you break up with someone, especially when your felt " I thought it was not fair for her to be with someone that was not available as much as she wanted", then it is no surprise when that someone decides to take that literally.

You essentially set her free and she acted like she was free.

YOU then decide that you do love her and you are now available, but she had already taken you at your word.

 

Never break up with anyone that you cannot bear to see with anyone else. Even the most loyal will end up with other people, if they think you are done, or the relationship is totally finished.

No-one wants to hang around grieving forever, so they tend to take opportunities that are offered, even if their heart isn't in it.

Most dumpers do not change their minds, so moving on is usually the best thing for a dumpee to do.

  • Like 4
mightycpa Established Member

mightycpa

Posted
Posted

Here's what jumps out at me:

I am the one who left her because I was always too focused on my career ...and... I thought it was not fair for her to be with someone that was not available as much as she wanted
Wow. That was so magnanimous of you. Essentially, you cut her loose so she could be with other guys, because as a relationship partner, you acknowledged that you couldn't cut the mustard. Fair enough. Just remember, you set the tone. Now the game is afoot!
Anyway, we never really stopped talking... she asked me if I was seeing someone, or had been with someone else. I said, no. She said, "good, I would be so jealous if you did, I wouldn't want any other girl to have sex with you". I pretty much replied the same thing
If there was ever a time for you to assert your mistake and jump into this with both feet, this was it. This was the moment that both of you could have either put up, or shut up. But you decided to drag it out. Don't forget the tone of your breakup. From her perspective, your reason is still valid. Strike one!

Then, about three weeks ago. She invited me to her place. I prepared dinner, we drank wine and talked for a long time. It was a pretty lovely evening. We brought up cool stories about our relationship, told each other how much in love we had been (and still were) with one another. We held hands, tenderly hugged, kissed on the cheek and agreed to have another evening like that. Then I went home. It rather felt like we were wanting to take things slowly, which seemed fair enough. After all, I was the one who broke up in the first place, i was not going to push for anything or force things my way.

Steeeeeerike two! Because you've probably forgotten, you cut her loose to be with other guys, because as a relationship partner, you determined that you couldn't be all that she needed.
After that, we kept on sending each other cute messages ("thinking about you/ looking forward to see you again..." ). Then she told me she was going to spend a few days abroad with her friends, that she needed to relax. But we agreed to catch up again when she'd be back.
Still can't pull the trigger. For all she knows, you're toying with her. Strike three! You're out! Lucky for you that your at bats aren't over until after three outs.
She came back from her trip. We met, had dinner, talked a lot about our still existing feelings, and I told her I wanted to make things up, and that I was mad at myself for having left her. She was dubious, but still agreed to give me a second chance -albeit some of her friends had fiercely tried preventing her from doing so. Then we went to her place, had a drink, laughed some more and had great sex. This was like 4 days ago.
Fina-****ingly. You hit a solid fly ball it could go right out of the park... but it seems you didn't seal the deal. Sex doesn't mean you're back together. Oooh! Outfielder caught the ball! You're out! Batter up!
Yesterday we met again. And, I told her (kind of randomly) that I had the impression I had interrupted something in her life. Maybe she was seeing someone else or hooking up with someone? Maybe she would've wished that I didn't reappear "so soon" because she wanted to have a little more fun with some other guys?
UFB! You really go out of your way to **** things up, don't you? Steerike One!
She answered me with a huge smile on her face that I was right. The smile of pure honesty, the smile of a playful child being busted by their gentle mom with their mouth full of candy. It had all just happened. It happened when she was abroad with her friends. Various times in just a few days, with totally random dudes she met at parties and all. So there I was, feeling like an ****. But hey, I asked for the truth and got it. Plus, after all, I had guessed right (I've always had some sort of sixth sense).
You pissed off the pitcher, so she beaned you in the head with a fastball.
So, here's the thing. I know we weren't together.... sob story goes here...I feel like my heart is broken.
Stings, doesn't it? I want you to pay attention to the part I've bolded here:
She says I shouldn't be jealous because we "hadn't signed" anything, and that she believed that I was never coming back to her so she had to allow herself to live...
Let's review:

 

 

  1. You cut her loose to be with other guys because you didn't think you would be a good enough relationship partner.
  2. You (dumper) start flirting with her, but you don't admit your error and ask her for another chance. Had she posted on this forum, everybody would have told her to shut you down. You're lucky she didn't.
  3. You (dumper) show more affection, still no admissions or requests to take it all back. Again, had she posted here, she would have been advised to cut this off. But, you're lucky, she didn't.
  4. You (dumper) bang her, but that's all it is. Ditto for the advice she'd have received, and that she probably received from her friends. They're no different than we are.
  5. At this point, you've left things in limbo.

So she does what any of us might have told her to do. She went out and lived a little. After all, the guy that dumped her and came back and banged her didn't ask for the relationship back. That's what I would have told her.

But what about our hints then? What should I do? What are your views on this? Please, help me out!
Don't be so ****ing wishy-washy about people you want to be with is my advice. Don't break up and toss them aside if you don't want to be replaced is my advice. If you don't want her out there riding the baloney pony whenever she feels like it, then act like you don't want that. Ask for her to be yours, and if she says yes, then treat her like she's yours. Otherwise, if you still don't think you're the guy that can do that, then you should cut her loose for the same reasons you did the first time, and stay away.

 

You're probably teetering on the edge of your last chances with this girl. In fact, it may be too late already. She's given you plenty of opportunities, but you haven't taken them. She's already proven that she's willing to try out other guys, and that is a big sign that moving on has been thoroughly considered and accepted as a viable option. Frankly, I don't think your chances are too good here. You went and ****ed it up, and now you're crying because she acted perfectly normally. Better get your **** together fast, because you were the one who betrayed the relationship, and you haven't done **** since then to put it back together.

  • Like 6
Chi townD Established Member

Chi townD

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But, she should have never lead him on with endearments, platitudes, sex and hints of reconciliation.

 

 

 

If she wanted revenge, well...she got it. Good on her. Now, OP I think it's time to move on.

 

 

Go back to NC. Time to heal and focus on making positive changes in your life.

  • Like 3
Satu Established Member

Satu

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Posted

She exacted revenge whilst smiling sweetly.

 

I won't condone or condemn her behaviour, but it is understandable.

 

If you value something, don't throw it in the garbage pail.

  • Like 2
lop98 Established Member

lop98

Posted
Posted
Let's review:

 

 

  1. You cut her loose to be with other guys because you didn't think you would be a good enough relationship partner.
  2. You (dumper) start flirting with her, but you don't admit your error and ask her for another chance. Had she posted on this forum, everybody would have told her to shut you down. You're lucky she didn't.
  3. You (dumper) show more affection, still no admissions or requests to take it all back. Again, had she posted here, she would have been advised to cut this off. But, you're lucky, she didn't.
  4. You (dumper) bang her, but that's all it is. Ditto for the advice she'd have received, and that she probably received from her friends. They're no different than we are.
  5. At this point, you've left things in limbo.

 

Fantastic summary of what happened here. Can't believe the posts that emphatize from a dumpee perspective 'Uh yeah my fiancee left me too and is now hooking up with another guy!'.. NOT comparable.

 

He did standard dumper behavior... he bailed out of the relationship but made sure he breadcrumbed her nice and well and then comes back to check out old territory, verifying availability, cooks for her, spends time with her but only kissing on the cheek and discussing the past, only to one night have sex and afterwards not much (typical), making it seem like it was a one night thing... if you think she wasn't hurt and the trip came out of the blue, most likely you're wrong, and most likely the way she hooked up with these guys was a result of dumb fun mixed up with pain. You don't really seem to know much about what she's been through, since you made it all sound as casual as your decision to break up with her, so the smile was probably rejoicing for justice being made or something along the lines.

 

Sorry that you got your heart broken but you kind of did it yourself. Now proceed to NC and healing on your own, and hopefully learning from this experience and taking care of people you love in the future and relationships you don't want to lose for good. Relationships are not some school you can just take a break from while you focus on making money, ideally it's teamwork that also includes navigating through the challenges, the idea that after six months you can enroll back in is mostly based on luck... humans are emotional, they're always moving, and moving on. You may find them still sitting in the same spot but good luck finding their emotions still arranged in the same way you left them, especially after the way you exited their lives or worse, didn't and just wandered around kind of toying kind of not.

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charliebrownie Member

charliebrownie

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Posted (edited)

A lot of divergent opinions on this thread, keep them coming please. It stings, but this is truly helpful.

Edited by charliebrownie
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Chi townD Established Member

Chi townD

Posted
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So, my question is, What are your thoughts on this, Charlie? And what's your gameplan?

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charliebrownie Member

charliebrownie

Posted
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Posted (edited)

 

 

 

 

 

 

My question is why you didn't ask her the same question she asked you? It would have alleviated all of this had you done it. You assumed one thing based on speculation when something completely different was afoot by fact.
Ok, I should have been more specific. I actually asked If she had seen someone, which she interpreted as "dating"... See how much of a thin line that is? Of course, she was not dating because she was only randomly hooking up, so she legitimately answered that she was not seeing anyone.

 

Also, why would her friends go HAM on not giving you a second chance?
Well, because of my frequent absences, working on my career. Also, they never really got along with me, we have very different lifestyles. But I was never rude or anything to them.

 

IMO, what you should do is to own that you left things pretty nebulous when she went on vacation. Hinting is not being direct and asking for what you wanted. If you did not make it clear to her when she left that you intended upon being a constant in her life, then perhaps this is something that you should work in on the future--to own your voice and speak up for what you intend and want.
That is very true. Thanks. Edited by charliebrownie
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charliebrownie Member

charliebrownie

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Yet, another thread with miscommunications and "technicalities". She gave you the impression that you two were on the road to reconciliation and then she tells you that she's going away for a little bit. And in a few days time, she slept with several different guys several times. She comes back and tells you all about it. If I'm reading this correctly, I think that she enjoyed watching you squirm a little bit. I think she took some enjoyment out of it. She didn't want you to date anyone because it would make her "mad jealous". Yet, it's okay for her to sleep with 3-4 different guys and then tell YOU not to be jealous because you two "never signed" anything.

 

 

Let this one go. No she technically didn't cheat on you, be I think she mislead you with reconciliation. I think it's best for you to walk away before you get any further invested into this girl.

 

 

My advice is to walk away. This girl doesn't know what she wants out of life and I can probably say that she took away at least one or two of those guy's phone number. DO you want to be competing with these guys?

 

 

Go back to NC and find a girl that wants to settle down with one guy.

My advice is to walk away. This girl doesn't know what she wants out of life and I can probably say that she took away at least one or two of those guy's phone number. DO you want to be competing with these guys?

 

Most definitely not.

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charliebrownie Member

charliebrownie

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I "know" there is someone better out there.

 

Standards and self-respect still exist in this world. You just have to be aware that a lot of people who think they have standards don't necessarily act accordingly. They usually act out of lust and not love.

Thanks a lot for your support. I actually know this is not the first time she has shown a tricky behavior. I have seen her fluttering her eyelashes at other people. Once she told me she had invited her ex to her place... While we were together... He had no business to do there. And apparently he tried to kiss her, but she refused.

She was so happy at the idea of me getting jealous. She guaranteed me that nothing happened though. And the fool that I am let that go. But, even if nothing really happened, isn't that shifty enough?

 

Ok, I think I'm a fool.

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charliebrownie Member

charliebrownie

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Thanks, this is actually really helpful. I think my sensibilities already knew what to do before posting the whole message. I just needed to submit my story to some sort of trial.

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charliebrownie Member

charliebrownie

Posted
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Posted

 

 

 

 

 

 

OP, this isn't ultimately about her, it's about you and your sensibilities. It bothers you. That's fine, and you don't have to defend or explain yourself, but neither does she. (We don't seem to often choose our sensibilities, they just are what they are, so trying to talk ourselves out of them is a fool's game.)
This is actually very helpful, thanks a lot. I guess my sensibilities already knew what to do before posting the whole message.
Chi townD Established Member

Chi townD

Posted
Posted
Thanks a lot for your support. I actually know this is not the first time she has shown a tricky behavior. I have seen her fluttering her eyelashes at other people. Once she told me she had invited her ex to her place... While we were together... He had no business to do there. And apparently he tried to kiss her, but she refused.

She was so happy at the idea of me getting jealous. She guaranteed me that nothing happened though. And the fool that I am let that go. But, even if nothing really happened, isn't that shifty enough?

 

Ok, I think I'm a fool.

 

 

 

Okay, more of her true colors are showing.

 

 

First and foremost, go to a doctor and get checked out for STD's. She slept with SEVERAL different guys in just a couple of days, then came back and had sex with you, THEN AFTERWARDS decided to inform you of these other dudes. Thus, putting your health and life at risk. There's a good chance she had unprotected sex with these guys. So, get checked out for your own piece of mind.

 

 

Now, you're telling us that while you were dating, she invited her Ex back to her place, the two of them alone; yet, she wants you to believe nothing happened. Yeah, if you believe that, then I have a bridge to sell you. You also eluded to the fact that it's almost like, she "gets off" on making you jealous.

 

 

Dude, just let this one go. Go NC and start making positive changes in your life.

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