Just being jealous?

[Mendalore]

Right, completely agreed. I'm still holding that course. I'm just thinking that, at some point, days or a week later, that I want to get together to talk vs my initial text which was just "let's get together" like normal.

[ExpatInItaly]

Right, completely agreed. I'm still holding that course. I'm just thinking that, at some point, days or a week later, that I want to get together to talk vs my initial text which was just "let's get together" like normal.

 

Just pick up the phone and call her. You could end a lot of needless time-wasting by simply speaking to her, rather than waiting around to see if she responds to a text message.

[Mendalore]

Ok, I'll call her tomorrow night. Still going out with buds.

[kendahke]

Another thought - Should I confront *him* about it?

 

Never!

 

He's not the problem. She is. How she acted was the problem. She was very, very insensitive towards you. It's one thing to say "let's not be all touchy-feely around my dad and brothers", it's quite another to go out of her way to make you feel as if you were a bother to her while she was trying to get next to this other guy.

 

I think that her 180 on you that weekend and then flipping back into being attentive and loving is manipulative and it's really, really uncool. When you talk to her, ask her how would she have felt if the tables were turned and you acted towards her the way she acted towards you, to the point of going out of her way to make it clear she wanted attention from that other guy? It doesn't matter what she meant by doing what she did: what matters is that what she did hurt your feelings and embarrassed you.

[kendahke]

I want to talk to her pretty badly, but I don't want to come off as needy.

 

This is a tough balance between asserting my needs and being firm and coming off as needy. It could be construed either way.

 

You sent the text. Unless her phone died, she got that text.

 

You wait until she gets back with you. Or you go round to her house by the weekend and see her in person, if you want to assert yourself.

[Mendalore]

She just texted me. She's asking about work advice. I'm going to wait a bit and reply with my advice. As the conversation unfolds, should I bring up a point to talk or should I just try to make a date and then just start talking when we get together?

[Mendalore]

Interestingly enough, we've been talking via text and email loads today.

 

Told her "I'd like to see you and I actually want to talk to you and get your thoughts about a couple things, in person, as well."

 

I originally suggested tomorrow, but she said tonight because she "doesn't do well with the need to talk wait."

 

Meeting her at 7:30p, tonight.

 

Of course, now I'm overanalyzing.

 

I'm wondering if she wants me to dump her so she's not made out to be the bad guy.

 

I'm really hoping that this is just how she is and that she's just calmed down about our relationship a bit.

 

I'm wondering if she has a concern, it's something we can work on.

 

I'm wondering if she's just not attracted to me anymore and, if not, why?

 

I'm wondering, wondering, wondering.

 

I guess I'll get my answers later, provided she's honest...

 

Any last minute tips?

[Mendalore]

So much for last-minute tips! LOL!

 

So, we met up. Very interesting... I won't bore you with details, but I got answers I was looking for. We hashed stuff out for quite a while and felt satisfied, but I have some more questions...not really for her. Proceeded to get ice cream, watch a movie and spend the night, but didn't have sex. Told her I needed a little time to think and shift gears.

 

Turns out that she still wants to date (in fact, after we talked, she was more cuddly than she'd been in a while), but not date-date, as in she doesn't see herself with me on a permanent basis...

 

So, she still wants to hang out, do stuff, have sex, be romantic, kiss, cuddle, talk, etc, but she wants us to keep our options open.

 

This makes sense to me, really, and it's honestly how I should have been framing what we had for the first two months anyway instead of getting hyper-attached too soon. We hadn't been exclusive, a defined "couple" or anything.

 

So, really, what I'm planning on doing is just going with the flow and see where it ends up. If she winds up meeting someone, so be it. If I wind up meeting someone, so be it. If I decide that casual dating isn't for me and I bow out, so be it. If she winds up being more attracted to me and changes her mind about longer-term, so be it. Not holding my breath, but having the kind of "weight" off things will let me be my true self not hung up on her and that may be more attractive to her; who knows?

 

I don't really plan on actively seeking other people to date, but that's how I am normally, anyway. I've never been a big dating type.

 

I think this is a healthy move as long as I don't fool myself into thinking it's going somewhere, which I'm strong enough to do now that it's defined. The prior lack of definition is what was screwing my head up. At very least I gain more sexual experience and get to have a good time with someone whose company I enjoy. Win-win in my book...

 

While it's true that I may have an underlying hope that things may still work out someday, it's no longer an expectation like it was before.

 

Do you think this is a good approach?

Edited August 9, 2015 by Mendalore

[Qboro90]

She literally has outlined that you and her are going to be friends with benefits. What she said about not seeing herself with you long term/permanently, wanting to date but not "date-date", be able to have the option to see/date others, yet wants to continue seeing/sleeping with you from time to time is literally the definition of friends with benefits.

 

Based off your posts here I fear that you are only going to fall more and more for this girl with the more time that passed and mis interpret her actions when you're together and the affection during those times to mean that she's changing her mind about dating you long term and if you just stick it out and show her what a great BF you can be that she'll eventually see it and want to be with you exclusively. Believe me when I say that is not going to happen. Women will know early on whether or not they see themselves as you gf and if they do then they'll do everything possible in order to lock you up and establish exclusivity. She's doing the exact opposite. She knows you're not the BF she wants but she likes having a male toy to play with and have to entertain/care for her whenever she chooses. You've been clear that when she calls or invites you to things you will be there. Even said the other day when you had plans that you'd drop them if she texted you back within a certain time frame.

 

You've put her on a pedestal. And quite frankly you definitely overanalyze and try to play the game of "hot and cold" with her yet my intuition is that you're not very good at it, or that it's transparent to her when you're deliberately "being cool and carefree about you and her", waiting to texting back so she thinks you're not waiting on her, etc.

 

Expect that she will eventually find another guy she wants to be with and you'll be cast aside. You should at least entertain the idea and options of dating other women. Even if just for the fact that nothing drives a girl crazier than knowing the guy she's slept with is interested/seeing another girl.

[Empyrea]

This was a really painful read.. it reminds me so much of a situation I was in recently. I was the girl. You're definitely heading towards break-up station...

 

And it's so sad, you sound like a super nice guy, capable of communicating and you sound really invested in her. Unfortunately it shows and she's just not there yet, and now she probably won't be. It makes no sense, but with some girls you just have to play it cool until you're sure that they've fallen for you. If you slip her the L-word and get too coupley too soon - EXACTLY what happened to me also, then she will run the other way. And since I knew he was a great guy and we had a nice connection, I tried to give it another chance and just said we should cool it a bit and keep it casual, and he agreed in a similar fashion, but I could TELL that he was way more invested in it than I was and I felt trapped and suffocated. He brought up the "you've been so distant" and "I can't read you" talks so many times.. I deflected it a couple times with let's just take it slow, keep it casual, until I just couldn't take it anymore. It's not necessarily a saving sign that you met her family (my guy met mine as well) - what counts is how she acted; nor is the fact that she was more cuddly with you after "the talk" - so was I, because it was just a relief to have been able to express my reservations. *sigh* So unfortunate, so sad. I felt terrible for him and hated myself for it, but you just can't fake feelings.

 

The only last straw I can think of to recommend to you is to really, sincerely date other people and play it super cool, no pressure on her whatsoever, so that she would feel like she could really lose you. Because you're lying to yourself if you think you can wait around for her and be okay as she dates other people and is aloof and distant with you. You'll just begin to feel insecure, express jealousy and neediness and only push her away further. I understand that if you have really fallen for her then this will be nearly impossible to fake and maybe you should call it quits immediately, but you know, miracles do happen.

 

I'm so sorry. We girls are terrible people sometimes. Just next time don't reveal your investment too soon in the game, not until you're sure she's there as well.

Edited August 9, 2015 by Empyrea

[Mendalore]

Just to add closure to this, we did break up, fully.

 

We got together once after all this to play tennis about a week later. She said she missed me, we played tennis, cuddled a bit, kissed, slept, and that was about it.

 

Radio silence from both sides went on for about a week and a half before I left for a business trip. I posted a picture of the view from my suite on Facebook. She texted me and we started talking about my night; I was out with coworkers tying one on, having a good time and the back and forth was almost like when we first started dating. She was engaged, interested, responsive, funny, etc. The next morning, she texted me that she got a flat white for breakfast (our favourite coffee drink), I replied with something trite because I was busy.

 

Haven't heard from her since. Likewise, I haven't reached out. I'm doing the whole No Contact thing. I don't have a desire to reach out to her, but I'd be lying if I said that even a month-and-change later I don't wake up most mornings wishing she would. It gets out of my head quickly after exercise, breakfast and, most important, socializing with coworkers, but it makes for a tough morning.

 

This should probably be in the break-up section at this point, but is it really bad that I'm this fazed?

 

I want and need to move on, but it's taking its sweet time. I was over previous relationships way faster and this wasn't even, by strict definition, a relationship. I'm getting out with friends and exercising obsessively. I even quit smoking and went back to being a vegetarian. Self Improvement++, but she's still lodged in there. We share common friends, so I'm also kind of dreading a social situation where I'd see her, which is INCREDIBLY childish. I'm better than that.

Edited October 8, 2015 by Mendalore

[Empyrea]

Did you have a break up talk or did you just infer it from the radio silence? Not that it makes a difference, but it would be a bit cowardly of her not to address it properly and still keep you around for occasional chitchat and cuddles..

 

And no it's not weird that you're still upset. If you've read any threads here, there's a loooot of people that have trouble moving on, especially if the other person is inconsiderate enough to not provide full closure. But you've done great with the NC, keep it up! Don't reveal your vulnerability to her. Fake it til you make it. We've all been there. It really does get better.

 

Best of luck!

[Mendalore]

The break up talk is what I thought we did here - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/541264-just-being-jealous-3.html#post6483291

 

I think after we had that talk she was attempting to be nice by saying those things. Shortly after that (and after our tennis match), I received a sizeable raise at work. I suggested we go out to celebrate. Didn't hear back from her for 2 days after we'd been talking that day

 

I just really regret that our last back and forth was about a freaking coffee. *sigh*

 

This is the first time I've ever been dumped where there wasn't a concrete reason. In the past it's been, like, "Oh, you want 6 kids? Nope!" This was the first one that was genuinely due to something about me or that I did.

 

I feel very weak sometimes. Other times I feel great and I'm fine, but man, if she manages to get into my head. All it takes is seeing her first or last name (which are both relatively common) and BOOM.

 

The other part, too, is that she IS my best friend's sister. I *will* have to deal with seeing her again at some point. I never talked to him about all this, but he's aware that we're not seeing each other any more. He and his wife told me that they're on my team, "she was stupid," etc, but that's not what I want to hear. They shouldn't have to make decisions like that. I bear no hostility towards her, just sadness about the situation.

 

Which is kind of funny... If I was truly the type of man she's looking for, maybe even the man ANY woman is looking for, I should be able to get over something like this easily. It's somewhat emasculating.

 

I know "there's other fish in the sea" and all that, but it's never been something I've been able to take to heart. I'm 31 years old and can count the number of women I've dated, not just relationships, but girls I've actually gone on a date with, on one hand. If I don't make some changes, I'll be lonely for life.

[Mendalore]

PS - Thanks for the vote of confidence.