The part that loneliness plays in affairs

[RoseVille]

I know how I felt when I first got myself caught up with MM. I wasn't feeling very worthy, or desirable. I was lonely. To have a good looking family man risk everything just to have a tiny bit of me was quite the ego boost.

 

But soon after it started, I was lonelier than I'd ever been in my life. I think As provide a brief glimpse of not being lonely anymore, but it comes back just as quickly as it went away, and with even greater force.

[Popsicle]

I know how I felt when I first got myself caught up with MM. I wasn't feeling very worthy, or desirable. I was lonely. To have a good looking family man risk everything just to have a tiny bit of me was quite the ego boost.

 

But soon after it started, I was lonelier than I'd ever been in my life. I think As provide a brief glimpse of not being lonely anymore, but it comes back just as quickly as it went away, and with even greater force.

 

You're a darling, Roseville.

[elaine567]

I think loneliness is mostly the reason why a lot of single OW/OM find themselves instantly drawn to a married person. They should have the same feeling for a single person. What do you think?

 

I am not sure loneliness does play a big part, it may do in some affairs.

I believe some single people get involved with married people, as they know it is a temporary and superficial arrangement.

It is about sex, companionship, intimacy, etc. but they know no-one is going to railroad them into "love" or a "serious" relationship - it is for them "uncomplicated".

It is also exciting and daring and a bit naughty too and for some that is a huge draw.

 

Some, for reasons of their own, maybe do not want a "normal" relationship, so an affair can then work very well. Regular sex, but feelings are held in check, as it is "going nowhere".

A single FWB may be difficult to manage without them getting feelings involved, but a married FWB may be easier to control, as they have a secret they need to keep, and a potential necessity to keep it simple.

 

Some single people love the fact the MM/MW isn't butting into their lives, they can hold them at arm's length to suit them. It can allow space, and some single people just love their own space. Better a MM/MW they see once a week, than a single suitor wanting more and more.

An affair can also be seen as less icky or risky than casual sex with strangers.

 

An affair is an "impossible" relationship, so unlikely to progress, and some want that, no awkward questions re where is this going? or should we get married?

 

All very practical, uncomplicated and adult, until it isn't...

[BetrayedH]

I think being desired is a more powerful factor than being lonely. We all want to be wanted. Want to be loved.

 

I was thinking along these lines as well. The attention of a married man is very validating. He's already got someone to have sex with, he's got a family. Yet, he's willing to risk all of that (and maybe his career, if it's a workplace affair) to be with you. That's very validating. I'm sure it makes a woman feel very desirable and special.

 

Of course, given the passage of time where he doesn't leave the wife, it has the opposite effect. Sadly, it seems to commonly take a few years before an OW has really had enough. I think this is exacerbated by men that claim to be "staying for the kids" as it makes them appear noble (and thus, more attractive).

 

But at the beginning, I'm sure it's very validating for a woman to receive attention from a MM and to have him take such risks for her. Does the loneliness of a single OW factor into this? I suppose it would. I'd say it's advisable to get to the point in life where you don't need the validation of anyone. If you need external validation so much that you're willing to compromise on your own standards, it's time to address your self-worth.

[Popsicle]

I was thinking along these lines as well. The attention of a married man is very validating. He's already got someone to have sex with, he's got a family. Yet, he's willing to risk all of that (and maybe his career, if it's a workplace affair) to be with you. That's very validating. I'm sure it makes a woman feel very desirable and special.

 

This did nothing but piss me off. It made me very angry for his wife. It was a weird and confusing feeling -wanting this man but then being angry that he was treating his good wife that way. That's when I realized that an A is not for me and I wasn't cut out to be an OW. Doin it rong! lol

[BetrayedH]

I know how I felt when I first got myself caught up with MM. I wasn't feeling very worthy, or desirable. I was lonely. To have a good looking family man risk everything just to have a tiny bit of me was quite the ego boost.

 

I posted before I read this ^^^. Seems a fairly consistent theme to me.

[RoseVille]

You're a darling, Roseville.

 

 

I should add, I think xMM was lonely, too. And he remains lonely, now.

[BROKENOW]

The passion I had came from us both being lonely in our marriages. We found not only physical attraction but a strong connection before months of deliberation finally resulted in the affair. We were both lonely.

[Popsicle]

 

I should add, I think xMM was lonely, too. And he remains lonely, now.

 

Oh, I know, mine too.

 

And so, we all come full circle....

 

But more knowledgeable now.

[RoseVille]

Some single people love the fact the MM/MW isn't butting into their lives, they can hold them at arm's length to suit them. It can allow space, and some single people just love their own space. Better a MM/MW they see once a week, than a single suitor wanting more and more.

An affair can also be seen as less icky or risky than casual sex with strangers.

 

An affair is an "impossible" relationship, so unlikely to progress, and some want that, no awkward questions re where is this going? or should we get married?

 

All very practical, uncomplicated and adult, until it isn't...

 

This was true for me as well.

 

It worked for me, at first. It was perfectly enough time with a man who adored me; I really didn't want more, didn't have the time or energy for more. It worked, until it didn't.

[Popsicle]

In my case, I did want more, a lot more, even though I logically knew he couldn't give it to me. I HATED that he was married and couldn't. Eventually I just gave up once I realized that it was futile.

[BROKENOW]

E laine... I will always regret and so will he.... That we never progressed.. We just stopped in time.... He knew he couldn't go back... What has he gone back to after that? I know at least I tried to show him but he's a coward. An unhappy one.

[Poppy47]

I can agree with that.

 

One woman knowing that her husband is lacking in bed, but knows her ex-boyfriend is "a freak" (in her words) is a specific situation. Doesn't apply to all married women. Or to all single men.

 

I was just making the point that the married partner or single partner may not be lonely. They could both have people and activities in their lives, but still be ... wanting ... something.

 

That's right. Is it intimacy... that feeling of missing a soul mate, who might not be your spouse?

Poppy.

[NewLeaf512]

In my case, I did want more, a lot more, even though I logically knew he couldn't give it to me. I HATED that he was married and couldn't. Eventually I just gave up once I realized that it was futile.

 

 

Popsicle how long were you with exMM?

 

 

To revert back to topic, this may not make sense, but even though I was a frenetic mass of activity prior to my A, tons of work, parties, friends, a (very) few holidays, gym, blah blah blah I was lonely.

 

 

More than that, I felt dead inside. The lights were switched off.

[Popsicle]

Popsicle how long were you with exMM?

 

 

To revert back to topic, this may not make sense, but even though I was a frenetic mass of activity prior to my A, tons of work, parties, friends, a (very) few holidays, gym, blah blah blah I was lonely.

 

 

More than that, I felt dead inside. The lights were switched off.

 

It went on for 3 years until I said no more.

 

Some people are unaware that they are lonely, and that's okay really, except that you can fall victim to things like this, so it's good to be aware of it. It's not something you have to focus on though or work harder than normal to fix, just be aware of it so you don't get into trouble.

[NewLeaf512]

It went on for 3 years until I said no more.

 

Some people are unaware that they are lonely, and that's okay really, except that you can fall victim to things like this, so it's good to be aware of it. It's not something you have to focus on though or work harder than normal to fix, just be aware of it so you don't get into trouble.

 

 

I concur. I though being busy meant not being lonely.

[m4p]

 

I should add, I think xMM was lonely, too. And he remains lonely, now.

 

This sentence just simply sums up most xMM that goes back to their wives.

 

I feel fortunate as a single OW, that I can be a work in progress and heal and be a better person but these MMs, I guess they would just plod on like this the rest of their lives.

 

To relate back to OP's question, I truly believe that loneliness plays a huge part. It's not like I specifically seek out married/attached people. The physical chemistry I have and general character of that person is a defining factor too. My ex AP and I were colleagues but I didn't take much notice of him befor (because he was married, how ironic). It only took 1 single long conversation during a group lunch that made us start that weird tentative dance around each other.

 

I knew I was lonely then, not sure about him but he never out rightly said it but genuinely seemed to be pretty lonely too. (None of those I'm miserable at home crap and never a negative word against the wife, it was just how he seemed so delighted at the simplest things that I realized he didn't have in his life.)

 

Unfortunately, he had a lot of specific traits I liked in a partner and person. If a single male presented himself right now with the same combination of traits I can confidently say that I will be equally attracted to him too. And I wouldn't touch a married man with a ten foot pole anymore, no matter how sizzling the chemistry was. A lesson learnt a hard way.

[Popsicle]

I concur. I though being busy meant not being lonely.

 

It's easy to think that! And honestly, I can't say that I wouldn't encourage staying busy. It does help to refresh things.

[unluckycharms]

I'd been struggling with loneliness for some time when I met mine and I still do. He gave me tons of attention and it seemed like we really opened up to each other in the beginning, which made it harder to leave even as red flags started popping up suggesting that he might be in a committed relationship.

 

I had also recently been hurt by an ex and I don't think I was ready for another "real" relationship that had a chance of going anywhere. I remember joking with my friends, well before I had any idea that he was married, that he wasn't long term relationship material but I might as well have some fun. I'm at an age where you start to feel the pressure to grow up/settle down and it was weirdly comforting to be in a situation where I didn't have to face those possibilities. I just wish I knew how wrong I'd been about my ability to fall for him.

[cocorico]

I think loneliness is mostly the reason why a lot of single OW/OM find themselves instantly drawn to a married person. They should have the same feeling for a single person. What do you think?

 

The reverse was true in our case. I was single, but I was anything but lonely! He was M, but he was very lonely in his M.

[Got it]

We were both very lonely in our marriages. The loneliest that I have ever been was while married. It is a totally different feeling. So that definitely was a precursor to how we were both open to starting the affair.

 

Some of that we learned that we needed to address ourselves, that we needed to own our loneliness and figure it out internally and some of it was just ending the previous marriages.

 

I think the "wanting" of a deep connection with someone, to be 100% me, was my biggest motivator to the affair and the divorce.