Author RoseVille Posted July 30, 2015 Author Posted July 30, 2015 I think this is all a bit clinical and inflexible. If you are dating, you are supposed to actually want to see him, not fit him into some self imposed schedule, that makes it almost impossible to see each other. I know, no-one should give up all interests and friends for a man, but there has to be some leeway. This is someone who you should WANT to spend time with, someone who you cannot wait to see. If it is all a bit of an inconvenience and you feel you are missing your other activities "to fit him in", you have to question why you are dating him in the first place. I like this guy a TON. I think this whole thing would have progressed naturally, as my other relationships have, had he not brought it up several times already. From date one, he was questioning my schedule and saying he didn't think I had time for him. So, I made more time. He again said I didn't have enough time for him. I made more. He has since said that a 3x a week relationship (where we are right now) is not what he wants. He's said that at 2 weeks, and again at 1 month. I'd agree with him if we were serious, but this early in the whole thing, that's not enough? So yes, I should want to see him, and I do. But to tell someone they're not doing enough at a month in, when you're seeing each other 3x/week? What will he expect at 6 months?
MissBee Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 Everyone is different, but I find that when I'm really into a guy I want to see him often. On average I'd say at the beginning of new relationships I see the person at least twice a week. Overtime it increases, but on average twice a week is about the usual. It's never anything I have to go all out of my way for personally as I'm genuinely excited so find that it's easy for me to rearrange some things to see him or invite him along to other things. I think if you're interested in something serious it's normal for there to be a steady increase in desire to spend time together and for me I look for that as a sign that we're growing and that makes me secure that he's interested. On my end, if I wasn't satisfied with time given I'd bring it up, but if the guy felt spending more time with me would be a hassle or rearranging his life I wouldn't want him to, I'd just take that to mean we have different needs in that regard OR he's simply not all that into me so he isn't craving to see me. In my own experience, all my dating that turned to relationships both the guy and I were always anxious to see each other and it developed at a mutual pace in terms of time spent and usually we'd want to see each other a couple times a week and then it would increase to weekend sleepovers, or every other day and things like that. 1
yellowhibiscus Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 Rose, IMO one month is not that long to have been dating someone. It would make me a little uncomfortable if I was dating a man who wanted to spend all of his time with me after only about 4-5 dates. You are still in the getting to know you phase. If you really like this guy though, see if there can be some kind of compromise. If he keeps pressuring it, maybe your lifestyles are just a little too different. 3
Author RoseVille Posted July 30, 2015 Author Posted July 30, 2015 Everyone is different, but I find that when I'm really into a guy I want to see him often. On average I'd say at the beginning of new relationships I see the person at least twice a week. Overtime it increases, but on average twice a week is about the usual. It's never anything I have to go all out of my way for personally as I'm genuinely excited so find that it's easy for me to rearrange some things to see him or invite him along to other things. I think if you're interested in something serious it's normal for there to be a steady increase in desire to spend time together and for me I look for that as a sign that we're growing and that makes me secure that he's interested. On my end, if I wasn't satisfied with time given I'd bring it up, but if the guy felt spending more time with me would be a hassle or rearranging his life I wouldn't want him to, I'd just take that to mean we have different needs in that regard OR he's simply not all that into me so he isn't craving to see me. In my own experience, all my dating that turned to relationships both the guy and I were always anxious to see each other and it developed at a mutual pace in terms of time spent and usually we'd want to see each other a couple times a week and then it would increase to weekend sleepovers, or every other day and things like that. I agree with everything you said. I've just never even had to have the "this isn't enough time" conversation, especially this early.
katiegrl Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 You're going to find anything and everything "troubling." You have a negative mindset. There is no "trouble" here except for your inability to make a decision. There are other men in this world. You can find someone you are compatible with. I'm sorry that the illuminati are forcing you to see him. Yeah, I know, quite disturbing. Oh wait, the illuminati AREN'T forcing you to see him and you got yourself into this mess and are whining about it anyway? You don't say. For some strange reason you are obsessed with this poster and this thread. Why do you continue to respond....I mean it's nearly every other post? Come on man, she isn't even responding to you anymore....you've said your piece, move the hell on. Sheesh! 8
Author RoseVille Posted July 30, 2015 Author Posted July 30, 2015 For some strange reason you are obsessed with this poster and this thread. Why do you continue to respond....I mean it's nearly every other post? Come on man, she isn't even responding to you anymore....you've said your piece, move the hell on. Sheesh! And what you see now was after what I think was a good start at a cleanup! Thanks to everyone who helped. I really like this one, so I want to do it right.
jay1983 Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 Rose, IMO one month is not that long to have been dating someone. It would make me a little uncomfortable if I was dating a man who wanted to spend all of his time with me after only about 4-5 dates. You are still in the getting to know you phase. If you really like this guy though, see if there can be some kind of compromise. If he keeps pressuring it, maybe your lifestyles are just a little too different. I'd forget about you in a month. I don't mean intentionally, but feeling and thoughts would fade away. Especially while meeting other women. New women: so are seeing anyone? Me: "uuuum, kinda....... I'm not sure" would be on mind and "no nothing serious" would come outts my mouth. 1
mrldii Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 I like this guy a TON. I think this whole thing would have progressed naturally, as my other relationships have, had he not brought it up several times already. From date one, he was questioning my schedule and saying he didn't think I had time for him. So, I made more time. He again said I didn't have enough time for him. I made more... Hmmm. This changes everything. Rose, I've read enough of your posts to know that you advise others that (presuming they're normal, healthy, well-adjusted adults) if they feel something is askew, chances are it is. Based on your indications that he has little other than his work to occupy him and your indication that you have several things in addition to work, I believe you are correct that he is looking to YOU to provide his life with interesting things and to keep him entertained and to stave off boredom. Not your circus; not your monkeys. If he's soooo bored and idle, he should welcome sharing in the activities you enjoy; it's not your job - especially this early in - to keep him occupied and engaged in the world around him. I, too, would view his wanting - and getting - more...and more...and more and continuing to fight for even more - as a huge warning sign. [i [i]knew [/i]by your name you were local to me...Go Giants!!! I know what I would do if a guy I was dating didn't like football...and *expected* me to give up watching my 9ers. Ain't. Gonna. Happen. ] 3
Author RoseVille Posted July 30, 2015 Author Posted July 30, 2015 M: I actually didn't mean RoseVille as in Roseville, but it's close enough as a bird flies! I'm on the peninsula. As for the rest, he's regularly talked about what a boring life he leads and how what's attractive to him is how busy and social I am. I do think he wants to be brought into the fold, but he doesn't want to participate in what I want to do (Warriors or Giants or Niner games) or it otherwise would be awkward (tagging along to brunch with girlfriends after church). I mean he is kinda boring, I'm like 99% of his entertainment.
jay1983 Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 M: I actually didn't mean RoseVille as in Roseville, but it's close enough as a bird flies! I'm on the peninsula. As for the rest, he's regularly talked about what a boring life he leads and how what's attractive to him is how busy and social I am. I do think he wants to be brought into the fold, but he doesn't want to participate in what I want to do (Warriors or Giants or Niner games) or it otherwise would be awkward (tagging along to brunch with girlfriends after church). I mean he is kinda boring, I'm like 99% of his entertainment. So what's attractive about him?
Author RoseVille Posted July 30, 2015 Author Posted July 30, 2015 So what's attractive about him? He's physically attractive, chivalrous, funny, sweet, thoughtful, smart, we have a lot in common... All a great start at the very beginning! He's just not busy, doesn't engage in activities and whatnot.
jay1983 Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 He's physically attractive, chivalrous, funny, sweet, thoughtful, smart, we have a lot in common... All a great start at the very beginning! He's just not busy, doesn't engage in activities and whatnot. So what in the hell do y'all talk about on the phone? "Oh I had some chicken for lunch best chicken I ever had. I did my laundry, feed my day. Now I'm watching baseball hu hu"
angel.eyes Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 I suspect you're troubled at having to make time because you aren't really into the guy (and more importantly don't really respect him). Thus you would rather be at ballgame #18 or whatever randomness () in the Giants season. When you really find someone with whom you click, you'll drop non-essential commitments like hot potatoes (or he'll jump at any opportunity to be with you...after all, it's about the company not the specific activity) in an effort to find time to spend with each other. When I've been unhappy about missing my group bike ride, tennis practice, or whatever, it was ultimately because I was on the fence about the guy and hadn't quite realized it yet. Dating involves negotiation and some compromise. If I really like a guy, I'll willingly cut back a little on some of my passions because I need to make time to spend with him. It's not something he has to ask. It's something I choose to do because I want to see him. I find excuses to see him more, and he does the same. To address the OP. Initially, it's once a week and it escalates within a few weeks from there. How quickly depends on our interest levels. If his expectations aren't working for you. Share what yours are, and together, come to a mutually acceptable compromise about how frequently you see each other over the next month or two. Eventually though, I think you'll come to realize that he isn't what you want.
fitnessfan365 Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 writergal - Once you hit three months, you expect a guy to spend every night w-you? Seriously?! That sounds really CLINGY. When two people are in a relationship, they should be able to have separate lives outside of each other. When you're allowed to grow as individuals, you flourish as a couple IMO. I personally don't think you should be seeing someone daily until you're living together. RoseVille - In the beginning, 2x a week is fine IMO. Then as you get more serious, frequency increases. Assuming you're not living w-someone, I think that 4x a week is great in the long run. You see each other enough to be consistent and have a healthy sex life, while also keeping some space to have your own life. 2
katiegrl Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 writergal - Once you hit three months, you expect a guy to spend every night w-you? Seriously?! That sounds really CLINGY. When two people are in a relationship, they should be able to have separate lives outside of each other. When you're allowed to grow as individuals, you flourish as a couple IMO. I personally don't think you should be seeing someone daily until you're living together. . fitnessfan, I know YOU will understand this...but I do live with my boyfriend and even we need time away from each other...we actually each have our own rooms for this purpose, and there are nights I will spend the entire night in my OWN room....simply because I need lone time...as does HE. He usually sneaks into my room in the wee hours of the morn though (or vice versa)...and we wake up together...but the point is even couples who live together need a certain amount of "space" at least WE do! But I won't fault writergal for wanting or needing to spend every night with her boyfriend either...as long as THEY are BOTH on the SAME page, I think it that works for THEM....then who am I (or anyone) to say that's wrong? Right? 3
Author RoseVille Posted July 30, 2015 Author Posted July 30, 2015 So what in the hell do y'all talk about on the phone? "Oh I had some chicken for lunch best chicken I ever had. I did my laundry, feed my day. Now I'm watching baseball hu hu" Pretty much that, on his end, anyway. (Except without the baseball, since he doesn't care about sports. It'd be laundry instead.)
writergal Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 Pretty much that, on his end, anyway. (Except without the baseball, since he doesn't care about sports. It'd be laundry instead.) Well, I think you could encourage him to find hobbies to occupy his time. Otherwise yeah he comes across as the type of guy who makes the woman 100% of his world. No one can be 100% to anyone in a relationship -- or should be. He really needs to stop goading you to give up your things/activities to spend time with him and he needs to get more social for his own sake, and develop his own interests. I've dated guys like him and each time I was totally miserable. I had to come up with the social plans, and each time the guy tried to socially isolate me from my friends so that I only spent time with him. I mean, ewww! Nooo! That's not the kind of guy I want to date anymore. Been there, have the t-shirt. Keep the boundaries with him firm. He can join you in some of the fun activities that you do, or develop his own outlets (which he should do anyway for his own mental health well being). Does he have any guy friends? Or is he a total loner? 1
Keenly Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 I like once a week for maybe 3 weeks. Then twice. When things really start heating up I might go two days, one lunch and a phone call. You know, to spice things up. 2
kendahke Posted July 31, 2015 Posted July 31, 2015 I like this guy a TON. I think this whole thing would have progressed naturally, as my other relationships have, had he not brought it up several times already. From date one, he was questioning my schedule and saying he didn't think I had time for him. So, I made more time. He again said I didn't have enough time for him. I made more. He has since said that a 3x a week relationship (where we are right now) is not what he wants. He's said that at 2 weeks, and again at 1 month. I'd agree with him if we were serious, but this early in the whole thing, that's not enough? So yes, I should want to see him, and I do. But to tell someone they're not doing enough at a month in, when you're seeing each other 3x/week? What will he expect at 6 months? Jeezus, does he want to climb inside your skin with you? Do you think he's hinting at trying to move in with you? 1
Author RoseVille Posted July 31, 2015 Author Posted July 31, 2015 Jeezus, does he want to climb inside your skin with you? Do you think he's hinting at trying to move in with you? I don't think so. But he's very keen on looking to the future, even talking about what we might do on NYE. It's a little unnerving.
writergal Posted July 31, 2015 Posted July 31, 2015 I don't think so. But he's very keen on looking to the future, even talking about what we might do on NYE. It's a little unnerving. But it's only July? Red flag! Red flag! 7
kendahke Posted July 31, 2015 Posted July 31, 2015 I don't think so. But he's very keen on looking to the future, even talking about what we might do on NYE. It's a little unnerving. Ooooh... yeah... ya think? Well, I don't think that at this stage in the continuum that it's reasonable to want to spend 4-7 days together with someone you're still getting to know. When I'm with a guy, I like spending time with him, but I also like having time to myself to do what I need to do, what enjoy doing--or doing nothing at all in silence, even after the 3 month mark. He's a bit too extra right now, IMO... I'd be curious as to why he's rushing you and putting pressure on you for something your relationship hasn't got the legs to stand on. One thing I will say: do not let him talk you into grinding your life to a halt just because he's dull and can't think of anything to do with himself. Opposites may attract, but they're still opposites. 1
Author RoseVille Posted July 31, 2015 Author Posted July 31, 2015 I also like having time to myself to do what I need to do, what enjoy doing--or doing nothing at all in silence, even after the 3 month mark. He suggested we do that... together. Hang out, in silence. It's like we're an old married couple. Should we watch Jeopardy before bed?
mightycpa Posted July 31, 2015 Posted July 31, 2015 ...do you see someone you're dating exclusively? Two weeks in? A month in? Three months in? 6 months? A year? And at what point is it not enough, worthy of breaking up? Apparently I'm a little greedy with my "me" and recreational time and the new dude isn't satisfied. He thinks I should me making more time, that I don't have the time for a BF, but this would require me to literally give up things/events I've participated in for years, and I think it's too soon for me to even want to do that. We're still early stages. So tell me what works for you.I'm kind of like you. I never wanted to spend all my time with someone I just met, I wanted to keep enjoying the things I liked. Who knew how long this would last, right? So here's where I think you're going wrong: I never saw someone exclusively: Two weeks in? A month in? Three months in? I waited until something like 4-6 months into it. That way, my "me" time became an established part of the relationship. See what I mean? 1
writergal Posted July 31, 2015 Posted July 31, 2015 I don't think so. But he's very keen on looking to the future, even talking about what we might do on NYE. It's a little unnerving. Your experience reminds me of a guy I went out with 3 times who was recently divorced with 2 children. By the 3rd date, he was talking about introducing me to his family, inviting me up to his cabin for Christmas (our 3rd and final date took place in June), meeting his 2 children and moving in together. I ran for the hills after that 3rd date. I used text to break up with him (I know, the coward's way out) because he would blow up my phone with texts or want to talk for hours. He was angry at first, but I blocked his phone # and luckily never heard from him again. I hope this guy isn't a stage 5 clinger, although his future forecasting makes me think he might be. Guys who future forecast are really insecure and can be emotionally codependent. Use your intuition with this guy. Don't let him manipulate you. 1
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