OK to Cheat?

[Popsicle]

It is not cheating if they have permission. If you have to let your spouse screw someone else in order to keep them then there is no point in even being married.

 

I completely agree and would never do such a thing, but you have to realize that there are people who like being married for a lot of other reasons that have nothing to do with sex or love.

[Spectre]

I completely agree and would never do such a thing, but you have to realize that there are people who like being married for a lot of other reasons that have nothing to do with sex or love.

 

The marriage isn't real if there isn't love. Legally sure, but it's an utter sham. Without love or sex that is not a spouse that is a friend.

[Popsicle]

The marriage isn't real if there isn't love. Legally sure, but it's an utter sham. Without love or sex that is not a spouse that is a friend.

 

I totally agree, but some people see marriage as a structure under which you raise kids, and or to live a comfortable and socially acceptable life/lifestyle. Some people will get married from day one for these reasons and some couples marriage just turns into this once the love dies and they don't want to divorce and give all that other stuff up. What for? It's very important to them. All the better if they can get the things they are missing in their marriage on the side (and with permission too!) yet still be able to stay married.

[oldshirt]

I think you are coming at this subject from the view of a experienced swinger, so the concept of introducing other people into a marriage is not foreign to you.

 

To many though, I would guess they would rather eat their own hand, than accept their husband or wife having sex with someone else and for their husband/wife to even consider doing such a thing or to even bring it up, would almost be an automatic divorce anyway.

 

Both paragraphs are true.

 

 

 

 

The original question asked in the thread was if it's OK to cheat. I think we all will tend to answer 'no' to that question.

 

 

It really wasn't my intent to introduce open marriage to anyone per se, but rather to differentiate between cheating and a mutually consensual 3rd option other than cheating or divorcing.

 

 

 

 

Some of this is simply about semantics and the words we use. The concept of consensual nonmonogamy is so foreign to some people that they use the word "cheat" in any reference regarding any kind of sexual activity that is with someone other than the spouse.

 

 

I was just pointing out that "cheating" by it's nature is dishonest, betrayal and nonconsenting. It is those criteria that makes it cheating.

 

 

When there is foreknowledge and consent, it is not cheating.

 

 

I realize that there are still people who aren't going to go for it whether it is cheating or not however.

[ShatteredLady]

Hi. I'm the OP. I find the variety of answers here fascinating. My situation isn't as grim as some portrayed. Most of the time sex isn't a physical problem for me. My question was motivated by 2 things.

 

Firstly, when I've mentioned my chronic pain & my husbands cheating & betrayal on the forum I've always been asked how sexually capable I am, as if his behavior could/should be condoned if I couldn't perform up to par all the time.

 

Secondly, we don't know what the future will bring. None of us do. Isn't that why all the "For better or worse. In sickness & health" is in our marriage vows? As one of the posters said, before (& even with Viagra) there are many conditions, particularly lower spine that can make a man incapable of having an erection. Numbness isn't the same for women...you can still do it. Far less women divorce their husbands in these situations than men do.

 

As a romantic, the idea that any physical condition, (when you need love, support, security etc the very most) can make it ok to desert your partner physically or emotionally is heartbreaking. Don't we all want to believe that if we were in an accident or had a disease beyond our control we would have MORE love & understanding from our partners? Marriage should be family.

 

Given the statistics for divorce when 1 partner (particularly the woman) suffers from chronic pain are depressing. Should we get real & share marriage vows that state "I promise to love you forsaking all others unless you get sick & need compassion & understanding"?

[Redheaded Mistress]

I don't agree with this "open marriage" concept.

 

You are either married or you are not.

 

Married people are supposed to have sex, it's a natural part of the relationship if one person cannot fulfill their obligations in this area then technically there is no marriage.

I am not talking about temporary situations where people are separated due to work or after childbirth.

 

The simplest thing is to discuss the possibility of annulling the marriage.

A friend of mine did this because her husband wanted to change sex. After he had the gender re-assignment surgery he was no longer able to be a husband to her and the marriage was annulled.

 

After this was done they split up.

 

IMO if you are unable to meet your partners needs in this area, then you should do the decent thing and set them free to be with someone else who can.

 

Honestly, I'm more OK with a couple saying "I can't meet your needs so let's talk about open marriage" than "I can't have sex as often as you'd like so I'm going to divorce you so you can go find somebody who puts out more."

 

But ultimately, neither is my business if it's not my marriage. Divorce your husband because you don't like how he snores for all of me. I just don't find anything constructive or altruistic by divorcing somebody because you can't put out as much as somebody else and you think you're doing them a favor.

[Arieswoman]

Oldshirt 23 #

 

If there is an agreement, then it isn't cheating.

 

OK.

 

The problem with all this is that once you open the door you can't shut it again.

 

Unfortunately, there is no guarantee against your partner falling in love with someone else. That’s like trying to stop infidelity inside of an open marriage. That would be ludicrous and almost impossible. This is the major risk to those involved in open marriages.

 

Sleeping with other people can be a gateway for STD's. One party may give the other permission to "play away" but they certainly wouldn't give permission to bring home an STD. If the non-playing partner is compromised healthwise then throwing an STD into the mix could have major repercussions on their wellbeing.

[ShatteredLady]

I don't think I could ever have an open marriage. It just doesn't fit with any of my notions of what a relationship should be. I know I couldn't remain emotionally detached & I believe I'd over think what my partner is feeling. I don't know really....

I never had issues with discussing all the details of ex relationships with old boyfriends (to be honest I liked it). That can build intimacy & be a fundamental part of getting closer. A truly open marriage of equals requires utter trust. I guess I'm saying I couldn't handle an open marriage with my husband.

[Arieswoman]

Shattered Lady,To go back to your original question;

 

is it ok to have affairs if your partner is sick?

 

the answer is "no".

 

I guess I'm saying I couldn't handle an open marriage with my husband.

 

and very few people can IMO.

 

You need to talk to your husband about how you feel.

[fireflywy]

 

I've mentioned in my infidelity posts that I'm a chronic pain sufferer who's been with my husband for 25 years. In each thread I've been asked how 'functional', particularly sexually I am. I'm ok but it makes me wonder.... If I couldn't have sex or was at an end of life situation would it be ok for my husband to cheat? I get the feeling his behaviour would be excused by some members.........

 

 

Of course we talk about communication etc but is the sad truth that even the strongest marriage will fail when unconditional love is most needed? is it ok to have affairs if your partner is sick?

No. It would not be okay for him to cheat if your marriage was never an open one or you never signed off on his hall pass.

Edited August 5, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[DIFM]

I think the more genuine question would be:

 

Is it okay to rationalize the breaking of an explicit or implied trust with your spouse.

 

That is the heart of the question. If you have an agreement about open marriage then there is no breaking of trust, with or without an illness. If there is an explicit or implied trust about fidelity, then again, it is not a question of being faithful because of illness, it is just a question of being faithful to the promise.

 

Having said that, what we should do and what we do do are not always aligned. But it does not change the principle of living up to our promise, without rationalizing reasons not to. A sick spouse may create a circumstance that makes one think about an affair more often, but we don't promise to never think things. We promise to not do things. It is about the promise, whatever they might be, not about the illness.