Taking a trip w/o formerly WS

[Raena]

It sounds like what you are asking is whether or not you should tell her that this triggered you. Personally, I think communicating about this kind of stuff up front is the best way to handle it. If you are having an issue, the best way to approach it is to shine the light on it and deal with it as it happens. Tell her how you feel. If you don't, you risk allowing it to fester in your head and cause more problems down the road.

[Popsicle]

As Clay said, you stayed with her, so I think you should let it go. I mean, what would you even say anyway and what would be the point? Whatever you say/ask, she will say she's not doing anything.

[singer23]

She cheated and you are the one with life long issues and triggers. The unfairness of the whole situation !!!

 

Why wouldn't she realize that this is such a careless thing to say to you ? Does she still realize how much her affair still affects you to this day ?

[Hope Shimmers]

Married people should not go on separate vacations.

 

Why not? Because they "might" cheat on each other if they do, so the only way to prevent it is to go together?

 

Very sad concept.

[road]

My wife and I do, from time to time. Mostly short trips, but a trip is a trip. In the absence of other problems, I can't really see why not. However, we're not in R or anything like it.

 

Nothing wrong get up and do a day trip alone then be home that night.

[Morro72]

Nothing wrong get up and do a day trip alone then be home that night.

More like a weekend or a week.

[Sub]

Just to kind of flip it, because I've been in this situation a few times since D-Day: I've wondered if the trust my WW has in me is tested at these points as well. She's always been supportive of me doing things on my own, going places for a day or a couple days to get away or hang out with a buddy. But there's the occasional joke about staying away from cute girls while I'm away, or something to that effect. "Are you going to play wing man?" has been mentioned. (My BF is recently D'd from his WW.)

 

I get it. I think she knows I'm not going to fool around. But in a way it's a nod to the elephant in the room. So I guess one way I've dealt with that potential trigger is realizing that it goes both ways. It's not just about me trusting her when we're apart, but her trusting me as well. Maybe it helps to know I'm not alone in that boat.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Just to kind of flip it, because I've been in this situation a few times since D-Day: I've wondered if the trust my WW has in me is tested at these points as well. She's always been supportive of me doing things on my own, going places for a day or a couple days to get away or hang out with a buddy. But there's the occasional joke about staying away from cute girls while I'm away, or something to that effect. "Are you going to play wing man?" has been mentioned. (My BF is recently D'd from his WW.)

 

I get it. I think she knows I'm not going to fool around. But in a way it's a nod to the elephant in the room. So I guess one way I've dealt with that potential trigger is realizing that it goes both ways. It's not just about me trusting her when we're apart, but her trusting me as well. Maybe it helps to know I'm not alone in that boat.

 

 

Yeah, definitely dealt with that before. Especially in the beginning when I was very honest with her regarding my desire to "level the scale" and stuff like that.

 

It was a tough spot for her because on the one hand, she knew she deserved it if I had chosen to even the score, but on the other, she would still be devastated if I did. So of course, I went out with my buddies EVEN MORE back then, if only out of spite, and to let her know what it's like to sit home and worry about it.

 

We got past all that, but I do wonder if it's the same for her. I suppose that's one of the realities of infidelity. I wonder if she will ever do it again, and now that it's on the table as a reality, she probably wonders of I will.

 

Is this tragic? No. Not to me. I think if we had been more realistic about the situation from Day one, and more actively involved in preventing it, we may have avoided it altogether.

 

 

So I brought it up last night. She just said " oh wow...sorry, that was the furthest thing from my mind. It makes sense now that you mention it, and I'm sorry I didn't even think about that. "

 

Told her it was no biggie, but that I just wanted to put it out of my mind.

[happyman64]

So I brought it up last night. She just said " oh wow...sorry, that was the furthest thing from my mind. It makes sense now that you mention it, and I'm sorry I didn't even think about that. "

 

Told her it was no biggie, but that I just wanted to put it out of my mind.

 

Good for you. That was the right decision.

 

 

Communication is key.

 

 

I am glad you told your wife that what she said triggered you.

[merrmeade]

One of the readings from our wedding vows ( yah yah...I know ) was from Kahlil Gibran's The Prophet.

 

I think he does a good job of setting the right tone for marriage, and the understanding that it doesn't mean you need to be chained together physically in order to maintain a bond.

 

 

 

On Marriage

Kahlil Gibran

 

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.

You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.

Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,

And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

 

 

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.

Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,

Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

 

 

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.

For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together yet not too near together:

For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

hmmm, reading this, I suddenly remembered: My father was a minister and married my H and me. We never got around to providing him with our own vows (foreshadowing or what?), but said we wanted something other than the traditional lines and went with this from Gibran. He sneaked in the church lines anyway - said he "just couldn't help myself," and look at what happened! None of them took! (sorrry for the t-j - just couldn't help myself"

[bubbaganoosh]

This is why for me it's one and done. You cheat, your gone.

 

Your living a life where you plan on going on a two week trip with your kids and leaving your WW at home by herself, knowing that in the past she cheated while you were gone so you tell me how you plan to enjoy yourself on vacation with the kids when your mind is still back home?

 

In other words your living a life where you have to look over your shoulder always wondering if your wife is on the up and up 24/7 or close to it.

 

If you divorced her after she cheated, you wouldn't have to live like that. Sorry if this sounds harsh but it comes down to that the trust you have with her is not there and probably will never be there again and if you can't trust your spouse whose supposed to stand shoulder to shoulder with you and have your back then why continue that life?

[TrustedthenBusted]

This is why for me it's one and done. You cheat, your gone.

 

Your living a life where you plan on going on a two week trip with your kids and leaving your WW at home by herself, knowing that in the past she cheated while you were gone so you tell me how you plan to enjoy yourself on vacation with the kids when your mind is still back home?

 

In other words your living a life where you have to look over your shoulder always wondering if your wife is on the up and up 24/7 or close to it.

 

If you divorced her after she cheated, you wouldn't have to live like that. Sorry if this sounds harsh but it comes down to that the trust you have with her is not there and probably will never be there again and if you can't trust your spouse whose supposed to stand shoulder to shoulder with you and have your back then why continue that life?

 

Thanks for the feedback.

 

I think you missed something vital though. I will have an AMAZING time, and not worry one bit about what she's doing.

 

The trigger I experienced was just about a painful memory, not some fear that she will do it again. I have no fear that she will do it again.

 

Disclaimer: I'm not saying that I'm positive she won't....only that I don't fear it.

 

Trust is gone, sure. But this does not apply to just my wife. It applies to everyone. Any of her potential successors included. Just look at this place. It's a wonderful cross section of humanity who all learned the same lesson. Trust is a fool's game. To me, it's much better to live knowing that all you can really control is YOURSELF, and the best you can hope for is that the other humans in your life will show you the same courtesies you show them. But I will never again lull myself into believing that anyone on this planet has my best interests in mind more than I do.

 

So in that regard, it's been "one and done" for me as well. And while I have chosen to remain in my marriage and keep my family intact ( and do the work to ensure we are as happy and fulfilled as we can be ) the blind trust and 100% faith is "done."

[cozycottagelg]

I'm glad that you addressed it, it was brave and the right thing to do so that you can go enjoy yourself.

 

With that said, and I know it isn't the point of the thread, but if my husband said he was taking the kids somewhere for 2 weeks and I got to stay home alone, I'd have their bags packed and be SO encouraging. Mama needs a break

[qubist]

TrustedthenBusted: first of all let me tell you how much I admire your confidence, you are so certain that your W is clean now and your M is fully Affair proof. I wonder where that comes from specially that she had cheated before. if you don't mind elaborating more on this what makes you confident your M is Affair proof

[TrustedthenBusted]

TrustedthenBusted: first of all let me tell you how much I admire your confidence, you are so certain that your W is clean now and your M is fully Affair proof. I wonder where that comes from specially that she had cheated before. if you don't mind elaborating more on this what makes you confident your M is Affair proof

 

 

Thanks, and I appreciate that. But let me clarify that I don't think my marriage is affair proof at all.

 

I think the way we've worked through things has made it Affair-Resistant, at best. And I think this is the best we can expect from two human beings.

 

We both already know, with 100% certainty, how devastating and permanent the effects are, and we are both 100% clear on what will happen if anything even CLOSE to an affair takes place again. I've taken one bullet for her, and our marriage already. I will not take a 2nd. Not even a blank. ( EA )

 

So my confidence, if you can call it that, really has nothing to do with what she does when I'm not around. It's much more about living my life, and enjoying the people in it ( her included ) without constantly drudging up a past that we'd both rather not focus any more of our time or effort on.

 

She is sorry. She understands how deeply she hurt and betrayed us all. She wishes she could take it back. She went to IC to help her understand why she would even consider doing something so stupid. She gave me transparency times infinity back when I thought that's what I needed. She's been truthful about things that would have been much easier to lie about.

 

I mean...what else can she do, absent of building a time machine?

 

I basically put myself in her shoes and thought..." How would I like to be treated if I had screwed up royally, and begged for forgiveness?" i came up with an image of what that would look like... and I treat her like that.

 

Will she be tempted to cheat again someday? Probably. She's a very very beautiful and successful woman surrounded at work by a bunch of handsome successful men. Statistically speaking, several of them will test her boundaries, and try their luck.

 

It's her decision to make at that point, and is completely out of my hands.

 

So why spend my time, or live my life worrying about it? if it happens, I feel confident that I'd be able to tell, and I'm confident in the choice I'll make if that time comes.

 

So instead I just focus on the good things that are happening around me, if which she is a major part, and hope for the best.

 

When I do look back, the thing I regret the most is all the time I wasted being upset, depressed, angry, lonely, ashamed etc... I burned years that I can't get back.

 

I'm not burning another day.

[drifter777]

When I do look back, the thing I regret the most is all the time I wasted being upset, depressed, angry, lonely, ashamed etc... I burned years that I can't get back.

 

I'm not burning another day.

 

So you regret reacting to a cheating wife pretty much how every normal, well-adjusted man reacts? That does nothing but punish yourself now for something you did then and only 20/20 hindsight proved that your wife would stop cheating and that you would find peace and forgiveness. That's like saying you regret the panic & depression you went through when you found out you had cancer but now that it is cured you see what a waste it was to react that way.

[TrustedthenBusted]

So you regret reacting to a cheating wife pretty much how every normal, well-adjusted man reacts? That does nothing but punish yourself now for something you did then and only 20/20 hindsight proved that your wife would stop cheating and that you would find peace and forgiveness. That's like saying you regret the panic & depression you went through when you found out you had cancer but now that it is cured you see what a waste it was to react that way.

 

 

Meh... I think my reaction was typical, and there are things about it I do not regret. I told her to get out. Don't regret that. I kicked OM's ass. And aside from spending a little time in the backseat of a patrol car, I don't regret that either. I got an attorney and learned my rights in the nick of time, and made that abundantly and shamefully clear to her. I don't regret that.

 

But I also spent a year living as a digital Ninja, discreetly tracking her whereabouts, conversations, internet activity and work/social calendar...all for nothing, as there was nothing to be found, and all the while having my own secret conversations with married women as I sought to settle the score. I regret that.

 

I spent a lot of time being drunk.

 

I spent a lot of time having a VERY short fuse with my kids.

 

I spent a lot of time blaming myself.

 

I spent a lot of time focusing on my shortcomings, instead of living my life.

 

I spent a lot of time tying to shove the evil genie back into the lamp, rather than accept that he is a part of the family now.

 

Living well has proven to be not only the best revenge, but also the best medicine, and I only wish I had figured that part out sooner.

Edited August 5, 2015 by TrustedthenBusted

[the_artist_1970]

Oh man...thanks for the feedback, but this suggestion is like Code Red, Defcon 1, Black Ops Special Forces Ninja level sneaky. Nope. Not for me. No VARs, No keystroke loggers, no PIs, no hiding down the street... none of that stuff.

 

That is no way to live, and if I felt like I needed that stuff now ( 6 years later), I'd just move on, if only for my own sanity.

 

No, it's not like I'm worried about what she'll do when I'm gone. She's an adult and will either do the right thing, or the wrong thing. And sorry if I wasn't clear, but the kids are coming on the trip.

 

What I'm struggling with is whether or not to say anything about how I feel/felt. I don't want to sweep a trigger under the rug, but I also don't want to raise some trust issue where there really isn't one.

 

Do I just go with the odds? Because odds are she was just being accommodating and helpful, knowing that I very seldom take this much time off, and was looking forward to it.

 

 

To those of you newly in R...this is the kind of fun you get to look forward to 5 years form now.

 

I know what you mean about not really thinking about not checking or even worrying about whether former WS is cheating. After going through all of this hard work of rebuilding I know without a doubt I would leave him faster than a NY minute if he EVER betrayed me again and I don't check or look for anything. To answer your question, one of the things that I have learned since my DH had an A is that if something makes me feel uncomfortable or if I have questions or need verification that I am safe in this marriage, I am NOT holding my tongue. I communicate when I am concerned about things and he gives me reassurance. No matter how stupid it may seem. You should not hold your tongue when something concerns you, it will just cause that little green monster to grow until one day you will explode which would cause a major love buster in your M.

[qubist]

Trustedthenbusted: in another word you healed yourself from insecurities within your relationship. I liked when you refer to your marriage now as Affair-resistant rather than affair-proof. correct me if I'm wrong, you thing you are doing your part to make sure your R with your W a healthy one and feel like your W is doing her part from her side too. and that's all you can ask for, hopefully there is also communication flowing between you and ger so nothing falls through any crack. I admire your wisdom I know you payed a high price to acquire it.

[the_artist_1970]

Thanks for the feedback.

 

I think you missed something vital though. I will have an AMAZING time, and not worry one bit about what she's doing.

 

The trigger I experienced was just about a painful memory, not some fear that she will do it again. I have no fear that she will do it again.

 

Disclaimer: I'm not saying that I'm positive she won't....only that I don't fear it.

 

Trust is gone, sure. But this does not apply to just my wife. It applies to everyone. Any of her potential successors included. Just look at this place. It's a wonderful cross section of humanity who all learned the same lesson. Trust is a fool's game. To me, it's much better to live knowing that all you can really control is YOURSELF, and the best you can hope for is that the other humans in your life will show you the same courtesies you show them. But I will never again lull myself into believing that anyone on this planet has my best interests in mind more than I do.

 

So in that regard, it's been "one and done" for me as well. And while I have chosen to remain in my marriage and keep my family intact ( and do the work to ensure we are as happy and fulfilled as we can be ) the blind trust and 100% faith is "done."

 

I get this exactly. Some ppl will never understand forgiveness and some ppl will never truly know what it is like to overcome infidelity and building a stronger marriage. Rebuilding isn't for everyone. It's amazing how ppl don't understand that we have known our partners for decades and aren't so quick to throw away a beautiful marriage because of one very bad error in judgement. I know exactly what you are saying. There is absolutely no fear that DH will cheat again, nor is there great concern because the only person that I can guarantee won't ever be a cheater and a liar is me. Enjoy your vacation and tell your W how you feel.

[drifter777]

...

But I also spent a year living as a digital Ninja, discreetly tracking her whereabouts, conversations, internet activity and work/social calendar...all for nothing, as there was nothing to be found, and all the while having my own secret conversations with married women as I sought to settle the score. I regret that.

 

I spent a lot of time being drunk.

 

I spent a lot of time having a VERY short fuse with my kids.

 

I spent a lot of time blaming myself.

 

I spent a lot of time focusing on my shortcomings, instead of living my life.

 

I spent a lot of time tying to shove the evil genie back into the lamp, rather than accept that he is a part of the family now.

 

You can regret but all I see is "normal" reaction. You pulled out of the worst of it fairly quickly and seem to be coping very well now. You didn't waste time - you spent it well.