Phoe Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 This sounds absolutely mentally exhausting. I hate to say things like this, but IMO, the only way to stop the torture is to walk away from the relationship. Which I know is no easy feat. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otter2569 Posted July 31, 2015 Author Share Posted July 31, 2015 Carrie, in my opinion, that's the way its supposed to be. Not to say you won't fight or have an issue here or there but you shouldnt have all the drama and instability. Being a guy I know I miss some of the obvious signs and underlying issues like stress, PMS and as i pointed out in a recent post she found some female items when i was moving and cleaning out stuff (bobby pin, earring, card from ex). regardless we should talk, support and nurture each other NOT tear each other up. Phoe - that is my nuclear option! Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Lately I am on some sort of freaking roller coaster ride - I can be guaranteed a fight every few days. They are getting so bad and I feel that they are out of control - and they start over nothing. I am a happy go lucky guy who grew up in a verbally abusive house so fighting is not my favorite thing but i am not push over either - I will go ape **** when i hit my limit. Any how, my GF feels that she can say what ever, when ever and calls it "expressing herself". Whenever I reply to "express myself" she always responds with one of a few canned replies: "you always blame me, you are trying to cause a fight, you always have to be right". I am so not like that and i know its a way to cut me down so then I go silent and tune out. Of course I am a jerk for that too. She goes on and on and on. eventually I hit the wall and go into a rage of swears and F everything. I rarely loose my temper but I am at the end of my rope. Then I am a jerk for saying mean things. I am ready to give up! How in hell do you fight so that you are heard and have a constructive argument? For what you described there is but one solution, not to play that game. And if need be, 'gtfo of my life'. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 I meant to say a good relationship should NOT be hard work!!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 I am feeling empowered! My old ways were to get so pissed that I would leave and drive home. she said that really hurt her so i tried and for several fights went to the couch or other room but did not leave - even though i wanted too. I noticed that when I changed my behavior she seemed to say things indicating that she wanted me to leave trying to push me there. Now I just roll over and go to sleep :0 Oh ... her poor 'feelings' ... they is soooooo important !!! F*ck her feelings ! Everything is a trigger for this woman, everything sets her off because the purpose on a grander scale is to recreate what she knows of a relationship. If she wanted to get better, she would take her meds ... she would do her therapy exercises to bypass that massive fear building up inside when anxiety about something sets in. She would ground herself in reality. But her technique is to dish it out and make it another person's problem ... some therapy !!! Stop dipping your d*ck in crazy and get a normal woman, and start by getting into therapy over being an enabler [you officially qualify for that status] ... which btw, will undoubtedly increase her anxiety levels ... and you would have caused that too !!! When you do break up with her, no 2nd guesses or anything ... because the crazy is going to go off the charts. There will be suicide threats, death threats and potentially stalking. There will be promises of sex, bj's and even allowing you to have a 3some ... just go and don't look back ! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otter2569 Posted July 31, 2015 Author Share Posted July 31, 2015 Allowing me to have threesomes...I am dumping her! The sex is pretty dam hot now. Once or at least twice a day is normal. Im sure I could have more if I wanted it. Why are all the hot, fun, single chics also crazy? Seriously, for my own piece of mind I need to work on handling the situation better, knowing how to recognize and diffuse them before it gets bad. How many crazy chics can a guy deal with? This has probably taken years off of my life. All I can say is, thank God I have my own place! Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 She is hot, fun, etc ... in part because she knows she is like this deep down. You have to offer something to keep that person around. Remove her insecurities that have shaped her at the deepest darkest core, and you will have a completely different woman on your hands. Chances are you would not be getting as much sex as you are getting now. It's simple ... if ppl are afraid they are not good enough, they go the extra mile, to desperately hold onto what they want/think they need. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Otter. I seriously think you need to take a deep breath and very calmly in a voice that is quiet and using low tones tell her that it has to change. If she starts getting upset just sit very quietly and wait until she is finished. Reiterate that you can not keep going on with all the drama constantly. Keep very calm, keep your body language very quiet, non threatening, keep your voice low and your breathing slow. Ask her if you understand her issue properly. I.e. I just want to make sure I have heard you properly. When I walked into the other room you were still speaking? That must have seemed very rude to you. I am afraid that my mind was elsewhere and I didn't realise that you were speaking to me. Please tell me what you were saying... Not all the hot chicks who are crazy in bed are crazy out of it. Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Not all the hot chicks who are crazy in bed are crazy out of it. If you know who she is, would you please tell her that I'm interested? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bachdude Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 I'm going to give a different spin here. In my experience, fights with women go on and on and on because they don't feel HEARD. The hysterics and crying and everything probably have more to do with that than anything else. You asked about how to diffuse the situation so here is one idea: Look, when she is upset about another woman just listen without getting defensive or trying to say she doesn't have a right to feel the way she does, or implying she is irrational or anything to this effect. Just freakin LISTEN and hear her out. After listening ask her what she is afraid of. Then, if its about her feeling insecure about losing you, REASSURE her that you only love her. That's all she wants. Some VALIDATION and REASSURANCE. Try it. You may be surprised. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Phoe Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Why are all the hot, fun, single chics also crazy? STOP thinking this. Start realizing that there are normal non-crazy women who are hot and fun. By dividing the world into normal=boring and crazy=fun, you're only setting yourself up to, as Radu put it, dip your dick in crazy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otter2569 Posted August 13, 2015 Author Share Posted August 13, 2015 After a few failed weeks of couples counseling and yet another (one of many) 3 hour fight about nothing and another night on the couch I packed my bags and walked out. Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 Allowing me to have threesomes...I am dumping her! The sex is pretty dam hot now. Once or at least twice a day is normal. Im sure I could have more if I wanted it. Why are all the hot, fun, single chics also crazy? Seriously, for my own piece of mind I need to work on handling the situation better, knowing how to recognize and diffuse them before it gets bad. How many crazy chics can a guy deal with? This has probably taken years off of my life. All I can say is, thank God I have my own place! she fears losing you. So you're not having sex sex, you're having make up sex or "don't leave me" sex or "let me show you I'm better than her" sex. Otter, it seems to me she is sensitive to comments about other women. Highly. All of your examples were filled with that - except for the dentist one. If she is insecure about other women, point it out to her, for her to work on it with the therapist and for the love of God, stop pushing that button. I see a highly dysfunctional RS where you know exactly which buttons to push to make her over react, and her responding very very aggressively to being provoked. Consequence: steaming hot sex. It appears she's rewarding you for bad behaviour. You two need to stop triggering eachother. Give her time to work on her issues. She's already a mental case, stop playing with her mind. Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 After a few failed weeks of couples counseling and yet another (one of many) 3 hour fight about nothing and another night on the couch I packed my bags and walked out. Well, this wasn't a much of a surprise, was it? I know it's hard even though you're the one walking out... but you already know that the way you two fought all the time over nothing only gets fixed one way. Are you done or are you going back for a few more rounds as soon as she calms down a bit? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otter2569 Posted August 13, 2015 Author Share Posted August 13, 2015 No, no surprise at all...we all saw it coming. She could push my buttons by being very mean and dismissive. It was always her blasting away "expressing herself" but any time i talked back I was cut off and accused of blaming, causing a fight, saying mean things. I could hardly finish a sentence without her stopping me. Good F'ing luck to her! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otter2569 Posted August 13, 2015 Author Share Posted August 13, 2015 The more i caught onto the pattern and the more disrespectful she became I started to check out. I put a lot of effort into to trying to be better and to making things work but nothing really mattered. The counselor said we were like tinder and all it took was a spark - so ****ing true. When I tried to apply what I learned it almost always failed, my olive branches were always rejected and escalating meanness and BS were too much. Link to post Share on other sites
NoMoreJerks Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 OK. I don't know your ex, but.... I have been the woman in a similar situation. Not as extreme, regarding things he said about other women. But, things like, not feeling respected, for example, feeling taken for granted. And I started numerous fights over the past month, some in front of his kid. I was really nasty in those fights, touched a nerve, critiqued his parenting style, basically said anything just to hurt him (subconscious fight-or-flight mechanism, not intentionally/pre-planned). He used to sit and listen, and sometimes try to defend himself. Honestly, the reason for my reactions were: 1) high levels of stress; 2) he was on vacation and hanging out all the time with his friends, including other women, and with his kid, and when we hung out, he was too tired to do anything with me, and I started feeling like I was no longer exciting/fun, etc. 3) I wanted him to actually hug me and hold me, and calm me down, because I couldn't stop the stress from evolving into anger. If he had done that (which he didn't do most of the time), then I would immediately have changed into the soft, nice me because I was comforted and my insecurities were pushed away. He did it a few times, and it worked. But because the fights kept reigniting, he thought it wasn't an appropriate strategy. I didn't do what I did on purpose. I also have never been like this before, so it doesn't make me "crazy." It was highly circumstantial. And it led to him eventually breaking up for good. Now I feel incredibly sad, upset, deeply regret what I did, can't understand why I did things. It's like I was so stressed and insecure that I subconsciously ruined the best thing I ever had, that I had taken for granted. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otter2569 Posted August 14, 2015 Author Share Posted August 14, 2015 NoMore and Bachdude, you sound very much like what I am living: shes stressed at work and always bitches about NOT being heard plus PMS and or Menopause come into play and the teenage kid thing adds another dimension...oh yeah plus insecurity. Its a dangerous cocktail. As a guy all I know is it is negative and bitching. The few olive branches I hold out are slapped from my hands and I want to run for the hills. Its like a loving fun beautiful women becomes a psycho in front of my eyes and i have to endure my weekly bloodbath. Its not a cut and dry situation which is why Iv'e hung on as long as it has but its ruined things for me. Me pulling back adds yet another issue to the mix. Cant we all just get along?! Link to post Share on other sites
bachdude Posted August 14, 2015 Share Posted August 14, 2015 NoMore and Bachdude, you sound very much like what I am living: shes stressed at work and always bitches about NOT being heard plus PMS and or Menopause come into play and the teenage kid thing adds another dimension...oh yeah plus insecurity. Its a dangerous cocktail. As a guy all I know is it is negative and bitching. The few olive branches I hold out are slapped from my hands and I want to run for the hills. Its like a loving fun beautiful women becomes a psycho in front of my eyes and i have to endure my weekly bloodbath. Its not a cut and dry situation which is why Iv'e hung on as long as it has but its ruined things for me. Me pulling back adds yet another issue to the mix. Cant we all just get along?! I know these fights well, Otter. They are no fun at all. Look, you gave it your best shot. You went to counseling and it didn't get better. The point of relating isn't to get torn down. Once the situation cools down in your emotions, you can look back and have a fresh perspective and probably learn a lot from it. Best of luck! Link to post Share on other sites
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